s/o - familys with both parents working / how do you manage?

[jess_g]

My dh wants me to return to work but I know this would mean working from 8 to 6 every day. We have 3 kids (2 in elementary and one in middle school) and I can't imagine what to do with the kids for those after school hours. I have a ds that would not want to stay at school in after school care (and I don't blame him for that as its a very unstructured program) and a dd that does alot of afterschool activities which involve a lot of driving. I know we could hire a babysitter for after school but that seams like it might be expensive for 3 kids and defeat the purpoose of going to work to earn some extra money. Plus we would need to trust her driving the kids around. Also what do you do about doctors appointments (of which my ds has at least 2 per month)? Do you take time off work for each of them?

This is just something I have been thinking abut for a while. I know my dh will not help out any with the kids so it would make my day very long too. I guess I am just wondering what other families have done when mom goes back to work.

Jessica.

[Joolsplus2]

My earning potential isn't very good, so I work flexible retail hours (Babies R Us, some evenings, mostly weekends, about 20 hours a week) when DH is home to watch the kids. Childcare would cost as much as I earn, I think. It just really depends on what your work experience is and what your earning potential is, you have to whip up a spreadsheet and find out how much it is really going to cost you to be at work (child care, wardrobe, gas, extra meals out because you're too tired to cook...I saw this on TV once, and it actually cost the family rather a lot more for the mom to work than to stay home!).

[HIU8]

I work PT from home, so I work around school, after school activities, doctors appts etc... My neighbor went back to work (3 kids). She hired an after school babysitter who picks the kids up from the busstop and is with them until roughly 6 pm. I know they do afterschool activities as well. I don't think she would be working if she was not bringing in a substantial amount ( that is not hindered by the cost of the sitter). Another friend works 30 hours a week. So she works 4 days a week. She is off every Friday. All doc appts are made for fridays. Her kids are small, so their classes etc... are also made for Friday's.

It can be done. I don't work FT right now b/c of DS's OT schedule and DD's SLT schedule. Right now PT works better for us. I bring in the $$ that goes to pay for preschool and summer camp. If I did not work at all, neither DS nor DD would be able to be in any type of a preschool program (even 1 or 2 days a week).

[lizzywednesday]

I was in the 5th grade when my mom went back to school for her nursing degree. There were classes at "normal" times and then there were rounds rotations ... and when she started working, she got lousy shifts because she was new.

A lot of responsibility for my brothers and sister fell on my shoulders a couple of days per week and, although I was involved in after school activities (soccer, basketball, softball, etc.) I managed to get where I needed to go by making arrangements with friends' & teammates' parents. My brothers ended up in our school's "extended day" program, which focused on completing homework assignments and a little bit of playtime until Dad got home.

We were also VERY fortunate that my dad's parents lived nearby and could watch my sister a couple of afternoons per week.

The summers were actually harder than the school year because I had to get myself to my own activities and then ensure my sibs made it to their stuff. Fortunately, all the activity sessions were just down the street!

By high school, I'd worked out a deal with my parents that I'd only have to be responsible for the two youngest. On occasion, my sibs would accompany me to chorus and play rehearsals - I'd supply them with crayons and coloring books and a quiet corner, while the directors would raise an eyebrow and then ignore the situation.

[JustMe]

I don't suppose its possible at all for you to find a part time job? I am single, and reduced my hours from 40 to 30. Dd goes to an in-home childcare afterschool 2x/week and I am home for her 3x/week. I make less money than if I worked full time (obviously!), but we do save some on childcare, and are making it. I am able to schedule any appts dd and I have for the 3 days I am home afterschool.

I don't know if this differs regionally but if you do go back full time, with 3 kids I would think an afterschool babysitter would not only be the easiest logistically, but would be the cheaper than paying for 3 slots in afterschool programs/childcares/etc. I don't know how it works, but I'm sure you could check driving records. I was actually hired for a similar position when I was younger and the mom had me drive her around for a while so she could see how I drove!

[jess_g]

Thanks everyone. I know that it would be possable to go back to work but it seams that I would be giving up a lot to do so (sleep, time with the kids, less afterschool activities for the kids, etc..) and my dh thinks it will be so easy. Just hire someone to be me for the afternoons. I had not thought about summer either. I doubt that adding costs for summer camp would help with the finances any. As it is we try to spend the minimum on summer costs but if I work it will add up quickly. I guess its all something to think about.

Jessica.

[HIU8]

I does get expensive. For the hours I work (even PT) when the kids are not in camp this summer (we could not afford 9 weeks of camp), they will go to their old in-home daycare. That will be for a total of at least 3 different weeks this summmer (for 20 hours each week). It adds up. Plus, DS is going to private K next year--so I'm working to be able to pay for that as well.

[Meatball Mommie]

It's definitely a struggle!!

School vacations and random teacher in-service days are the hardest. I lucked out because I work for the family business with my DH, BIL, MIL & FIL.

I decided to go back to work when our older son was entering K. We wanted to send him to a Montessori school and it was too expensive for me not to work, KWIM? Plus we said that if we're sending 1 there, we might as well send both boys (younger son was/still is in preschool). I couldn't do 2 different schools with the same drop off & pick up times in opposite directions. So... I started looking for work. I'm a chemist but don't live in an area with many tech companies (I grew up in NJ where there are lots, and worked in the Atlanta area before moving here). I couldn't find a job that wasn't an hour commute 1 way - with 2 kids and a DH who works a lot, that just wasn't going to work for our family. Lucky for me, the woman who did A/P at the family biz gave her notice and we decided to try having me take her place. I don't work closely with DH at all - he's the Operations Manager, so very little overlap, and it's worked out awesome.

It certainly helps that my work week is only 35 hrs and my hours are close to what the kids are in school for. My FIL (who is semi-retired) takes the boys to and from school every day, so when I leave in the morning, he has the boys brush their teeth and get their stuff together and they leave. Then he picks up the boys in the afternoon and brings them to his house just to feed the animals, then comes home. By that time, I'm home from work. My income just pays for their schooling and our mortgage. That alone is a huge thing though. Unfortunately, with paying for a babysitter when we need one during vacations and the summer, we don't have a lot of extra money. Hopefully that will change someday, but for now, it's the sacrifice we want to make. Our boys education is important to us and the private school is our choice.

Vacations are hard just bc. it's hard to find a babysitter that's available. Most people want a full-time nanny position, but we don't need that. I have a college student that watched them all last summer for us and her younger sister (HS age) can do days here and there during the year.

Daily life is hard - After a year, I finally feel like I have things in "control" (dinner, activities, piano practicing, homework for my now 1st grader). At times it is very hectic and I hate when we have weeks where our weekends are booked solid, but what can you do? DH sort of helps out. Up until VERY recently (like last week), I did everything, but bc. of some financial stuff, he's now doing all the bills and grocery shopping (trying to pay off debt and save money). I would get very stressed out - esp. around the kids' birthdays with party planning.

If I didn't have to work (i.e. pay for the kids school), I wouldn't. It's not worth the trouble finding a babysitter, the hassle of having to juggle everything, and the cost of the babysitter or after school care.

[KHF]

My dh wants me to return to work but I know this would mean working from 8 to 6 every day. ....
I know my dh will not help out any with the kids so it would make my day very long too.

This says it all right here for me. If your DH is so gung ho on your going back to work, then he's going to have to shoulder some of the additional responsibilities involved with that. You said in another post that he thinks it will be so easy...then let him share some responsibility for what is a family decision.

Bottom line, I do not know how single parents do it. I have the utmost respect for them. However, in a 2 parent household, there has be some division of labor. It's the best way to make sure everyone is happy, healthy and gets done what needs to get done. My DH is pretty good about jumping in to help in the evenings when he's not in school and on the weekends. I have to do most doctor's appointments, etc. because I am closer to home and have more leave time. But we split the household duties, childcare responsibilities, etc.

[dhano923]

If your DH is not willing to help out more if/when you go back to work, then that's a big issue right there. I was a SAHM for 3 years before I went back to work. My DH telecommutes, so he will empty/load the dishwasher between conference calls, and he takes DS to/from school while I take DD to/from the babysitter. He does DS's homework with him when he comes home. If I have to work late, he will make the kids dinner -- easy stuff, like mac and cheese or spaghetti.

DS has tennis and chess club but luckily those are both on campus -- we don't have to drive him. When DD starts dance classes in a few months, he will most likely take her. We'll have to figure that out later. We have a cleaning lady that comes every 2 weeks so she does the mopping, bathrooms, etc. We only worry about the small things the rest of the time. If the kids are off, my DH will watch them. If it's a couple weeks like Christmas break, then he will ask my mom to help out and she watches DS during the afternoons when DH is doing all his conference calls.

I work about 45 hours/week. My commute is about 20 minutes, including dropping/picking up DD, which is on the way, luckily. DH and I alternate who attends DS's school programs like recitals and class parties -- one of us is always there. The one time DH was on a business trip and I couldn't make it, my mom attended. We try not to let the kids feel like both of us working takes away from them. I'm away from the house more, but then I spend more time with them on the weekends as that's when DH works on his side-business computer consulting.

[egoldber]

My dh wants me to return to work but I know this would mean working from 8 to 6 every day. .... I know my dh will not help out any with the kids so it would make my day very long too

If anything, going back to work has made my DH truly appreciate what I did as a SAHP. I don't know that he really got it before.

Because of DH's travel schedule, if I am going to work at all, we need full time child care. And the only way we can afford that is if I work full time.

What makes this bearable for us most of the time is I have a job with very flexible hours. I work 6:30-3 two days a week and 7-3:30. Actually I work 6:30-3:30 5 days a week and I bank the extra 90 minutes every week (my work allows this) as credit hours. This means that I am up and out the door before anyone else is up. DH gets the kids ready and to school and daycare. I do the pick-up.

My younger DD is in a preschool which also offers before and after care hours from 7:30-6. Generally she is there 8/8:30-4/4:30.

My older DD is in the before and after school child care at her school. It is unstructured, but it is not chaotic at all. She actually loves the before&after care because it is a very social time, whereas during the school day the kids are not really permitted to socialize very much. The before and after care give us coverage from 7:15-6:15, but generally she is there from 8/8:30 - 4:30/5 (but 9-4 is her school day). She is really only able to do the after school activities that are available at her school, that is a major downside to me WOH.

The evenings are the nutso time at our house. The time between pickup and bedtime is crazy inducing for all of us. Younger DD is tired and older DD is trying to do homework, we're trying to make dinner, etc. :dizzy: And then after bedtime I prep the lunches and supplies for the next day.

You canNOT do this without your DH's help. Well, I mean I guess you could, but don't do it. Figure out child care and then add up how much salary you will realistically bring in.

When DH is away, it's crazy. I have to do both dropoff and pickup and it's hard especialyl when traffic is bad. This is when I use those banked credit hours because I can't really work a full day AND be able to pick the kids up on time.


School vacations and random teacher in-service days are the hardest.

This and snow days are a big deal. You need to look at the calendar and figure out how to manage these down days from school. And summer. I hate summer. Full time child care for elementary school kids is camp and it is NOT cheap. I pay more for camps for my older DD in the summer than I do for full time child care for my younger DD.

We have a cleaning lady every 2 weeks. No way could I also clean.

ETA: I think our before and after school care costs are reasonable. Before care is $140/month and after care is $290/month.

[AnnieW625]

We send DD to an in home daycare center, which follows the local school district calendar. Right now daycare is open during the summer, and then is closed on major holidays throughout the school year, a week during spring break, and two weeks at Christmas. DH and I alternate days off for the weeks that daycare is closed. My mom has come in the past to help with DD for the second week of Christmas, but this past year she wasn't able to do so because of her new job. We are hoping she is able to do it again this year. When DD starts elementary school and has summers off we'll most likely send her to YMCA daycare camp and the baby will continue at daycare until it's ready for elementary school also. DD is in daycare from 7:30 to 5 pm (sometimes a little earlier if I can get out of work on time). I work from 7 or 7:30 to 4 or 4:30, and DH works from 8:30 to 5:00.

We are lucky that if DD continues ballet that she'll be able to go on Saturdays for many years to come:) . Swim lessons will most likely just take place in the summer and are also on Saturdays or after work around 5:30.

My mom looked at going back to work when I was 11 yrs. old (bro. was 8, and sister was 1) and she realized that even though at the time she would've been making $8 an hour, which was a great wage then it would've been used for commute costs and afterschool care for bro. and full time daycare for my sister so she wouldn't have been making much more than $2.50 an hour or so. She opted to stay home full time for another six years. She did do some in home babysitting for one family (so she didn't have to get licenses or take classes) and that helped a bit and was easy because she could take the kids to go pick up my sister at elementary school.

ETA: I cook a couple of nights a week and I try to cook enough for leftovers. DH does the dishes. I do the grocery shopping on the weekends. DH goes to the gym a couple of nights a week, and I go on my lunch hour. I also do volunteer work a couple of nights a month and DH is home for those nights and usually cooks DD's dinner. Laundry gets done on the weekend or at night and I hate to say it now gets folded and put away as needed. We do have a house cleaner that comes every other week. We'd be lost without them. DH travels for a week about once a quarter, it's really doable for us. My boss is flexable if I need to come in late or leave a little early.

[smiles33]

The only way to make it work is to get your DH to help or make enough that you can afford to keep the babysitter a few extra hours to help w/chores & meal prep. For us, I love my job and it was not a question at all that I would return. However, my job is 45 minutes from our house while DH is 5 minutes away. What works for us is:

- I get up at 5:30 and bring DD2 to my on-site daycare. I work 7:30-4:30 to avoid the worst of rush hour traffic. DH gets DD1 ready every morning and does drop-off at her preschool 10 minutes from our house. I pick her up 2 days/week on the nights DH works until 6. He does the other 3 nights as he normally gets off by 5.

- DH cooks 3x/week (huge portions that we can re-heat for lunch and dinner for another 2 days) and does all the grocery shopping. We both bring lunch to work to save money (though he usually just comes home to eat). I load/unload the dishwasher and handwash pots/pans either the same night or a night later (or sometimes 3 nights later if it's been a really tough week). Frankly, the kitchen is only really sparkling clean on the weekends or after our cleaning service comes ever 2 weeks. I STRONGLY recommend that as it saves us from bickering as I'd rather spend time w/my girls than clean for an hour or more every night.

- I prep bottles/wash my pumping stuff every night. DD1's new preschool offers hot meals and snacks so I no longer have to cut up fruit/pack food for her.

- I only do laundry on the weekends.

- DDs' doctor's appts are all Mondays as DH only works 4 days/week. When DD is sick, I work from home as DH can't take sick days without closing his entire office. If I have a critical meeting, I call one of the grandmothers to see if they can come over. We are very lucky that both sets of grandparents are nearby and retired early (all are under 65).

- DD1 isn't in any special classes yet but I'm hoping to rely on grandparents to do the shuttling if I am still working f/t. I may also decide to go to p/t then. For now, 2 kids in daycare costs us about $3,000/month so I can't go part-time yet. My job pays for daycare, our benefits (DH is self-employed) and a few hundred dollars of "fun money." Plus, it keeps me intellectually engaged and connected in my field, which are priceless benefits to me!

Anyhow, long story short, if your DH refuses to help, you'll need to pay for some help or you will be exhausted/cranky/resentful trying to get everything done that you used to do when you were a SAHM.

[egoldber]

DH cooks 3x/week (huge portions that we can re-heat for lunch and dinner for another 2 days) and does all the grocery shopping.

My DH, when he is not traveling (about 1 week a month) works from home. He does all the grocery shopping and much of the meal prep. We also do cooking in batches and then eat lots of leftovers.


My job pays for daycare, our benefits (DH is self-employed) and a few hundred dollars of "fun money."

This is basically us. DH is self-emplyed, so I carry all our health insurance. After childcare and commuting costs (probably 2/3 of my take home), we don't come out far ahead, but it does pay for itself with the benefits, our increased ability to save for retirement and the stability it provides us in an uncertain economy.

[secchick]

We have DS in a Montessori daycare that is near my office (NAEYC accredited), which is where DD went until she started pre-K at a Catholic school. We pay through the nose for degreed teachers, etc. and I can stop by whenever. At DD's school, she goes to the extended day program which is $4/hour and is staffed mainly by college students and she also has ballet/dance during this time as well. That's a big part of our decision to send her to that private school. In-service days we put on our calendar well in advance and figure out who takes off or works from home that day or arrange for my parents to come in. For her vacations we use camps. Not cheap, but cheaper than the Montessori and comparable to her tuition + extended day costs.

Personally, I am uncomfortable with nannies and babysitters and in-home care for regular and extended use. Every single person I know who installed a nanny-cam has fired the nanny (not for abuse or anything, but generally for neglect, such as leaving the kid in the high chair/exersaucer for a really really long time or almost the entire day so they could watch TV uninteruppted, and other similar things). I fear the same thing about in-home daycares, but you'll never know because you don't have a camera.

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

I think there's a big difference between working with small kids and working with older kids. Frankly, I think working with small kids is pretty easy. They are in one spot the whole day and there's no homework.

My oldest only started school this year and it has been different and an adjustment. He is in Kindergarten and attends the after school program at his school. The after school program has been AMAZING. Just like Beth said, that's where the socializing and fun happens. I also like that he has made friends across all the grades and across classrooms. His school is K-5, so he will attend the after school program (most likely) for all these years. I worry about what we will do when he is in middle school. I doubt he will be in an after school program at that point. My DH and his 2yr older sister were at home alone from that age on, but I'm not sure we want to go that route.

DH & I split the chores. I probably do more kid care, but he does more of the cooking & cleaning. We have a cleaning service every 2 weeks, which is seriously awesome.

Our afterschool care is great, also, because it is open on in-service days, winter break, ski week and the like. They were closed on MLK Jr day and Vetern's Day, though, and we don't get those off.

For summer, we are doing camps through the Y (which also runs our after school care) and the cost is not so bad.

Even with 2 kids, we come out quite a bit ahead with me working. And really, DH does not want the burden of being a sole provider, especially knowing that layoffs are likely at some point in our careers. I would say the stability and security net of having 2 working is the main reason we are a 2 parent working household.

Downsides are probably being able to be in different activities. DS did soccer in the fall, and that worked okay. We'll see how it works going forward.

ETA - My older son was in inhome daycare from 2 until he started Kindergarten and it was such a positive thing for us. My younger is in inhome care now and it is really great. He has another 3 years before he starts K, so we may move him to a more school-like setting in a year or two. For us, it's also a lot cheaper than the center daycare that my older son started in (and we ended up leaving due to issues not related to money), so that's a bonus. By cheaper, I mean like $800/mo cheaper, really adds up!

[egoldber]

Frankly, I think working with small kids is pretty easy.

Yup, younger DD is easy. Drop her off and pick her up and she's done. And they are open year round so no need to hunt around for summer camps.

Elementary school with it's maze of random holidays, teacher work days, snow days, early release days, spring break and summer break is :dizzy:

[sste]

Why don't you start by hiring a babysitter one day per week after school and using that day for job hunting, informational interviews, and skills development. This will give you a trial run and increase the chance you can get a job that involves enough $$ to make it worthwhile. During that day, you and your DH agree in advance on a division of responsibility (e.g., he makes breakfast for kids, you pack the lunches, etc.). Do NOT let DH out of his end of the bargain. Agree that you will alternate taking days off from work if the kids are sick on your "work" day. Remember, this is your family's trial run and everyone should treat it seriously.

My strong hunch is that your DH will NOT be so into your working after a few weeks of this . . .

[C99]

My kids are younger than yours and I just went back to work. I definitely think you have to let some things go or let the expectation of some things go re: your children, home, standards, etc. And others have said it: your DH has to be willing to be your partner in everything that isn't working -- homelife, childcare, etc.

We hired a nanny so that the transition would be easier for our children. It's also nice because if one of the kids are sick, she still works (unlike daycare, where one of us would have to stay home), and if there is a day off from school, I don't have to scramble to find childcare. I gave my 7-y/o the option of staying with the nanny afterschool or going to aftercare at school and he chose aftercare, which really surprised me. He still goes on the occasional playdate after school, but we reciprocate these mainly on the weekends. He does an outside-of-school after-school activity once/week, but that is it.

Another thing we did to make it work is that my DH works a slightly shifted schedule. He does school dropoff and preschool pick-up, feeds DD and DS2 lunch, and does some grocery shopping and errands. He has way more flexibility than I do, so he often works from home and usually starts work at noon and goes until 8 or 9. I get home at 6 and do all the nighttime stuff -- dinner, homework, books, etc.

I actually went back to work sooner than I had anticipated, but when it became clear that i was getting an offer, I really looked at what our "break even" point would be, where my salary would outweigh the cost of working. I was a bit worried about it, actually, but even after childcare and convenience factors, it's a better deal for us financially.

HTH

[Tinkerbell313]

As a working mom, I am overwhelmed.

DH's job requires that he travel quite a bit...sometimes we know weeks in advance...sometimes he finds out the day before. Some days, the travel is just a one day flight down to Florida and then back...other days...its a flight out to the west coast for 2, 3 or 4 days.

My job is a 9 to 5 job. I get the kids ready in the morning. DD, who is in kindy, gets on the bus at 7:50. I then get DS in the car and drop him off at his child care center (which is on the way to work) at 8:15 (he prefers to eat breakfast there). I do not have to be in work until 9...either I go in early while its quiet or I will run an errand or two. I leave work pretty much at 5PM. DD will be at her afterschool program by then. I pick her up and then go down one block and pick up DS. We usually get home by 5:45pm or 6 the latest.

I empty back packs, clean out my lunch container...and start making dinner...sometimes its crock pot...sometimes not...usually it takes about 45 minutes to make dinner. We eat and then we clean up. So, we are done around 7:15 to 7:30pm. We do homework (if its not already done...usually she gets it done at her afterschool program...but I like to go over it with her...although its too easy for her). If its not bath night, we will play one game and then off to bed. If its bath night...we take a bath and then off to bed. Sometimes I will read to the kids.

Then...I will do one house chore...laundry or cleaning bathrooms, or vacuuming. Then, its 9:30- 10PM and I am ready for bed.

I feel like our house is always a mess...it is...there are papers everywhere, waiting to be filed...somedays, the clean dishes in the dishwasher just sit there (I never let dirty dishes sit around...they always get cleaned), the dust on the tv screen is unbeleivable. Beds never get made...except on Saturdays when I wash bedding. Sometimes, laundry just sits in the laundry basket waiting to get folded. And it doesn't help that we are updating/renovating our 1923 house...so we have peeling wall paper, cracked plaster walls...boxes everywhere. WE have clutter everywhere...we have no closets downstairs...and only one in the hallway upstais...and one each in two of the three bedrooms.

We have no family here...and its a rural area...although we live in town...but no kids around us. We try our best on weekends to take our kids to the local museums or ice skating...something fun...not all day...we want to spend time with them though...after all, we wanted kids.

Other parents with more kids seem to do it just fine with little to no issues. We on the other hand...its difficult for us...although we are making it work.

[MoJo]

I couldn't do it unless it was an absolute necessity. I've done it for a few weeks (filling in for a co-workers vacation) and gotten sick every time. (Me, not DD).

I know lots of moms who work full time outside the home, and EVERY one of them has other family besides just DH close by to help with appointments, sick days, snow days, and after-school activities. Most of them have more than one other family member who can help out. And many of them still use the after-school care programs as well.

Many jobs don't offer much in the way of vacation or sick days at first, and that's why I knew when I looked at going back that I'd likely loose my job if DD got sick, and DH only gets 3 sick days and no vacation, so his taking the time off wasn't a real possibility either. (Our closest family member is three hours away and working full time herself).

One thing that works for some people I know is actually working at the school, or at the Y (where they have their kids for after care/after school activities and summer camps for almost nothing since they are employees), or something like that. I love *MY* kids, but I don't like big groups of kids that much. But it helps tremendously for those who can do it, even if they are working in the office.

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

I should add we have NO family in our area to help us.

What we do have is professional jobs where we can work at home with kids are sick or daycare issues, where we can work late as needed, but are not required to put in certain hours, that sort of thing... No travel required 99% of the time, which is huge.

We are looking into having the ILs possibly move here in a few years when they retire. We'll see how that pans out.

[vludmilla]

It works for me because our work is flexible and we don't work 10 hour days. We have very short commutes (15 min). These are the reasons it works. DH or I can usually pick up DD by 3:15 and that makes all the difference in the world to be home by 3:30 or 4.