Kind of Depressing: No close friends...

[mommysammi]

I moved a lot after college for DH's job. At the beginning of all the moves, I was excited about the new places and meeting new people. I was able to meet many new people and kept in touch with them through email or facebook. The moving got harder when we had children because I became a SAHM and didn't really meet a lot of people after that. After ten years of moving around, we are finally back in our hometown and not moving anymore.

Before moving back home, I was looking forward to seeing all my old friends. Now that I'm back, it's so difficult to fit in. I don't feel part of the group anymore. I understand that things change, people change, and everyone moved on with "life." I feel very fortunate to have met so many people in the past ten years but I also feel very lonely. I see other moms weekly at playgroups, library, toddler classes but everyone already has a group they belong to. They will talk to me cordially but nothing deep.

These days, the only real conversations I have are through facebook. I don't get invited to any adult events. I know it's going to take time but it's getting a little depressing. Tear.

[liamsmom]

I know just how you feel. Pretty much the same thing has happened to me; ten years later I'm back in my hometown, but I don't know anyone. I have one close friend from high school, but she is unmarried with no children, so even having time to get together it's hard since we have different lifestyles.

But I think you are doing the right thing by going out and meeting more people. It may be sort of superficial now, but these relationships can grow. I'd also suggest trying to do something without the kids (I know that sounds um, ambitious.) But maybe if you were able to meet other adults at a book club, church group, bowling league or something, then you might feel like more of a participant rather than an interloper. Does that make sense?

And don't lose touch with your long-distant friends! Talk to the ones who know you really well and can cheer you up!

[salsah]

:hug5: i know how you feel. it is tough but hang in there.

[denna]

I know exactly how you feel. I have done nothing but move around for the past 9 years and neither DH nor myself are in our hometowns and where we are now is probably where we will be for the next 5-10 years (at least). It is a bummer not to have any close friends nearby and very few friends (even far away). I wish I had some advice but Im totally in the same boat and not sure how to get out of it.

Just wanted to say that you are not alone and keep your head up!

[MoJo]

I actually mentioned something similar in the IRL/computer friends thread. Except that we aren't "home," and there is no "home" to go back to, because none of our long-time friends are in their hometowns either. There could be a home state, or a town with a few friends, but no "home." (We both come from areas that are even more economically depressed than the one where we are currently living.)

We've been here for six years. I've developed good relationships with my co-workers, but apart from that, it's very hard. Everyone here seems to spend most of their time with their (extended) families, and they don't seem to have a need for more than a very casual friendship. We don't have any family in this state, and I'm more lonely than I care to admit. I'd be going nuts if I didn't have FB to stay in touch with (and very occasionally arrange to see) my distant friends, and I'd be a basket case if I hadn't stayed part-time at my job.

I heard a report on the radio that all of this mobility that former generations didn't have has impacted women the most. Unfortunately, knowing I'm not alone in my loneliness doesn't help one bit, especially when the people here don't seem to feel that way.

My group hug smilie is missing this morning, so hugs anyway.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think it's a matter of just getting out there and finding a niche. I too felt like last year when ds1 started this new school that there were so many people I was interested in being friends with but they all had groups and seemed set for friends. Well, I wiggled my way into the groups, at least the periphery, so I do get included in things. What has helped is just paying attention to anyone else on the fringe because I have been able to strike up good friendships with 2 of them.

Otherwise though I just have 2 good friends from back in the days of ds1's 1st playgroup.

I agree that the superficial can grow into deeper. Remember, some of these people have had 10+ years together so it's natural that they are close. But, there's no reason that in time the same can't happen. Be a good listener and a good friend. Till then, make your dh your bf. :)

Beth

[maestramommy]

I know how you feel. My closest friends lived far away even before we left CA. I did make a few good friends after the kids started coming, but it wasn't exactly the "bosom friend" connection. And of course since we've moved I haven't really made more friends. It's just really hard when you can't get out as much as you'd like, and everyone seems to be busy with their families. I'm sure I will make friends again eventually (sure hope so!), it will just take time.

[lmwbasye]

Oh my goodness, I know exactly how you feel. DH and I met in college and he did ROTC and XC and I rowed for crew (very very early mornings). Our schedules did not allow for a lot of "normal" college social activities. The few times we could go out at night (no homework, early morning practice, drill, etc.) we went on dates with each other. Then he went active and we've been moving ever since.

We have one close couple that we normally don't live anywhere near (we do this year, though) and that is it. We are moving again in June and I'm now a SAHM and hoping to find a way to find some friends where we are moving (even if it's for just the 2 years we are there).

Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are not alone. HUGS!

[scrooks]

I actually live about 30 min. from where I grew up but I still only have 1 close friend. My other close friends have moved away (its a very depressed area) and my extended family lives in another state (this was always how it was when I was growing up). I have lots of superficial friendships and am friends with some people from work but we don't really do anything socially with anyone besides my one close friend and her DH and they don't have kids so it's hard to coordinate. It makes me sad but at the same time I am relatively comfortable.

My DH's job is moving in a year or so and we are trying to decide what to do (stay or go). On one hand we don't have a ton of friends or family here and it is a depressed area. On the other hand, we do have some aquiantences and I have a part time job here. If we move I probably would stay home with the kids and it terrifies me. I'm not super outgoing and don't make friends easily and many recent posts about lonely moms have scared me. Sorry to hijake your post and ramble...I am in the same boat...not very many close friends close by!

[brgnmom]

I can relate in many ways. I have realized that the quality of my friendships is so much more important to me than the quantity of friends. I have had to let go of two friendships in the past year because of their toxic nature... one of them turned almost every situation into a downer. When I confided to her about planning to start trying for baby2, she emphasized the "start trying" phrase -- indicating that I would have a hard time getting pregnant which was really discouraging.

Since then, I've become content to have my DH as my best friend. I've also appreciated my friendship with my sister. I was her matron of honor for her wedding when I was 5-months postpartum. We are super close even though she lives on the opposite coast from us. We talk at least a couple times per week. When we were visiting CA last summer, my sister spent almost every day during the week (lunch break) with my DS and me.

In terms of friendships with other moms nearby, I have one mommy friend who I'm close with and we have playdates and lunch dates regularly. we also take dance class, yoga class & zumba together when we can. our kids are in preschool together. I also hang out with other moms with kids in the same class, but we talk at a more superficial level.

Just remember that you're not alone in feeling the way you do.

[Cheburashka]

I feel your pain. I moved to a new city, and while I have met a lot of new people, they're not really people I feel connections with. Sometimes the only thing we seem to have in common is two X chromosones. And now with DD it's very hard to go out places or have people over. I'm very close to family, I talk to everyone usually once or twice a week on FB (for some reason, DD sees the phone up to my ear and thinks its her time to cry), but I haven't been able to see them in months. I keep telling myself when DD gets older we can start doing mommy and me classes, I can start leaving her with her dad and join a book club or gym, or I might be able to get a part-time job. But for now, it's very very lonely.

[hellokitty]

I don't know if the mom's group you belong to is a formal group or just one pulled together. However, there are formal moms group like MOMS club. It took me over 4 yrs of being a sahm before I was able to make any real, "friends" in our area, and it was through MOMS club. www.momsclub.org is how you can find out about your closest chapter. It's not just about joining too. You need to sign up for stuff and get involved. Volunteer to head up a project or position, that is a really good way to get to know others and work closely with other moms. I was on the board for two yrs as VP and became very close to all of the board members, not to mention, I was very aware of who the new members were, organized the activities, etc.. I decided not to run again, b/c I was going to be having DS3 and I miss being on the board. I already have a good base group of friends though, from all the time and effort that I put into the group. The only thing is that d/t my kids' school schedules, the new baby, I am not as aware of who the new members are and I am very spotty about attending events. However, this wk, I've attended several events and it's just been so nice to catch up with ppl again, plus meet new members. I still get together with my closer friends, and we meet outside of the group pretty regularly.

Also, if you are going to playgroups and such, if there is a particular mom that you feel like you would like to get to know, ask her if she'd like to go out to lunch together after playgroup with the kids or invite them over, etc.. You need to take the initiative at some pt or another and not just leave that up to someone else, b/c it may never happen. I do feel closer to some of my MC friends than others, so we get together outside of MC events. That is what the group is there for, for everyone to build up friendships from. I've had a few friends that joined and then did not re-join. They said that it did not work for them. Wellllll, most of them barely went to any events. If you don't go to any events or sign up for any of the playgroups and other small clubs (recipe club, book club, couponers, etc.) then YEAH, it is going to be hard to make friends.

I find that I have made most of my friends with other transplants to the area. Those who grew up here and still live here already have their network and aren't really interested in mtg new ppl. This is why our moms club is so great. I would say, less than 20% of the woman are locals to this area, others are all like me, from some place else, WANTING to make friends. I tried for 4 yrs to attend library story time, signed up for kindermusik, etc. and was not really able to hit it off with any other moms. So, I do understand how hard it can be.

[viba424]

I agree. Ive found that moving to a different area and also just plain getting older takes away a lot of the friendships I always thought I would have. I used to have a ton of friends to visit when I went home and now everyone has sort of lost touch and I have nobody to call when I go home. After ten years, I still dont have a group of friends where I live now - at least not like the friendships you develop growing up... I just socialize with coworkers and DH, but thats fine for us because work keeps us all busy. Ive found lost interest in the kinds of social activities I would have been interested in 5 years ago anyway. DH and I joke about what shut-ins we are!

[gobadgers]

Oh I feel your pain too. And we only moved an hour away, to a different town in the same metropolitan area. I also live an hour in the other direction from where I grew up. And I do have the chance to occasionally get together with old friends, but I feel like I want so badly to find and make friends with people in the neighborhood, down the street, in the same school district, etc...

It's hard, hard work to meet people! We've been here for almost 6 months and I feel like I have a couple acquaintances. We go to music classes, gym time, story times, found a local mom's group. All these require time and effort to get the kids out the door, and sometimes I feel so exhausted I just don't feel like I am in proper shape to meet new people. I'm very rarely the type who can just strike up a conversation with another mom at the playground, although I'm trying to get better.

I agree with a previous poster that mom's groups are nice because they tend to be populated with other transplants who are more willing to meet new people, strike up new friendships. Actually I find the "mom's night out" activities to be really valuable because I feel like it's more about connecting other moms, with more chances to talk uninterrupted rather than running after the kids (that might sound strange, but I hope you know what I mean!) And in turn it makes it more fun to get together with kids then.

I keep telling myself that it will take years to make those real, deep friendships, but it is so difficult in the meantime. I hope you find it easier with time (actually I hope we both do :waving4:)!

[Minnifer]

Ugh, I have the same problem. My social circle has gotten smaller and smaller and now w/DD it's practically nonexistent at a time when I really need it.

And I'm single, so I *really* envy you moms who at least have husbands / partners for adult company and to do things with.

To me, it feels like many of the mothers groups are designed for SAHMs (either part or full time) and I have never come across any group that schedules things on weekends. I have had a very hard time making other mom friends as a result - my only real free time is during the weekend.

Very depressing...

[MoJo]

Hellokitty,
Thanks for the momsclub link! I wrote to see if there's one in my area (although the site says if you haven't heard of them, there's probably not.)

And I have the opposite problem as Minnifer. . . I work evenings and weekends, which means I can't do any "Moms Night Out" type activities.

[jgenie]

:hug: I know how tough it is to start over and to feel so alone. We left our families and friends and moved across the country right after we got married. It was really tough to make friends and start to set down roots. After DS1 was born I had a hard time finding SAHM friends to do things with. I signed up for classes and forced myself to get out every day so we could see people. I hope you find people to connect with soon. :hug:

[Globetrotter]

:grouphug:

Maybe you haven't met the right mom friends. Many of my closest friendships have been formed with other moms, and we are honest about our shortcomings and frustrations. I am in a couple of playgroups, and somehow we clicked (the people who didn't click left) and now we are like family. I know that doesn't always happen. My SIL hasn't been able to find any playgroups in her area, and she lives in a pretty populated urban area, so that is puzzling to me (and we've tried to look). I have other friends who are WOHM full time, like I think you are, and that also is a bit challenging, but our local moms group has evening and weekend groups. I think our local moms club is really good and very well attended... I got lucky. We met through the club, but now we are just great friends.

Outside of that, many of my WOHM friends met their mom friends through Gymboree or daycare, etc.. One of my groups is made up of mostly WOHM, and we meet on the weekends.

[mommysammi]

Thank you very much for letting me know that I'm not alone. While I wish none of us have to go through this, it is a little comforting to know I'm not the only one. I know it's very rough to go through it let alone admit how lonely we are. Thank you so much for sharing.

I have been back for two years and am finally admitting how lonely I am. I was afraid that if I told anyone I was lonely, I'll be perceived as a loner and that I brought it upon myself. My old group of friends do not have kids and most aren't married. Their lifestyles are so different that they find my life boring. One of them actually said they didn't care to listen to any more stories about my kids when I confronted her why we don't "talk" talk anymore. I was too naive to think that I can rekindle a friendship from ten years ago. Unfortunately, there aren't many, if any, transplants here. This is just going to take more time. In the meantime, I feel very grateful to have the BBB. Thank you.

[Mom Magic]

I know how you feel! Another group you might want to look into is Mothers & More--It is a national non-profit organization with chapters all over the country and they really focus on the needs of all kinds of moms- SAHM, those who work full time outside the home, part-time, WAHM, etc.-- with everything from playgroups to mom's nights out, to discussion meetings on topics like financial planning, kids' nutrition, potty training, etc. I've been part of my local chapter for a number of years and met some really nice women--many who joined specifically to make new friends. Website is www.mothersandmore.org and you can search for a chapter in your area.

Another way I've met people and "broken in" when it seems everyone knows each other is to volunteer. I've helped with projects at preschool, been a school room parent, coordinated a fundraising event, helped with school bookfairs, etc. Everyone has some skill that someone will appreciate you sharing! As soon as my son started preschool, I found out who handled volunteers and contacted her offering to help with any projects they had. They immediately put me on a bunch of committees, which really helped me get to know people and feel less like an outsider. It also helped me feel useful and like I was making more of a contribution than simply doing laundry and endless mom chores!

Hugs to you-- and good luck!

Andie
DS 1/2000