coping with a miscarriage

[siri]

I went to the OB this morning and it looks like I am miscarrying. The spotting I had yesterday turned into heavy bleeding and cramping today. She said my HCG level was neagtive so it must have beem a really early pregnancy that didn't even implant. I briefly even questioned if I was even pregnant in the first place but I have three positive preg tests last week.

Part of me feels so devastated that I lost this pregnancy.

Part of me wants to pretend like it never happened and just treat it like a really late period.

Part of me just wants to start trying again soon.

Part of me worries that this will happen again next time.

For those of you who experienced a m/c-
How long for the bleeding to stop?
How did you deal with it?
Did you tell anyone other then DH?
Did you have safe preg afterwards?
How long did it take for your cycle to return to normal? How long before you ttc?

Thanks for all the love and support.

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

No BTDT, but a HUGE:hug5:. I am so very terribly sorry for you loss...

[cdlamis]

So sorry for your loss and sadness. Hugs!

[BabyMine]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry.

[jjordan]

I'm so sorry.

The "good" news is that, since your m/c is apparently very early in the pregnancy, it will likely be similar to a bad period and you can start "trying" to get pregnant right away. Both of my m/c's were later in the pregnancy so my experience was different than what yours will be. I did go on to have two successful pregnancies (one after each m/c). In each I requested extra hcg monitoring at the beginning, along with an early ultrasound, for peace of mind.

My dh & I chose to tell only a very few people about the m/c's, mainly close family (parents & siblings) and a couple of close friends.

Let yourself grieve and be sad, and certainly if you have a job feel free to call in sick for a few days. Consider reading "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" if reading helps you to cope.

[SkyrMommy]

:grouphug: No BTDT, but hugs - so sorry for your loss.

[mom2binsd]

I am so sorry, I read your post the other day with the memory of how my miscarriage at 8 weeks started. I think the bleeding was heavy for a few days, and no D&C was needed. MY OB had said we could start trying once I had one regular cycle, but we chose to wait as we a little longer. Luckily no problems getting pregnant the next time and along came DS. My 8 week miscarriage was my first loss of that type.

Prayers for a speedy recovery, I too just wanted to almost forget about the missed opportunity. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel at this time!!!

[bubbaray]

Many many hugs

[alexsmommy]

Part of me worries that this will happen again next time.

For those of you who experienced a m/c-
How long for the bleeding to stop?
How did you deal with it?
Did you tell anyone other then DH?
Did you have safe preg afterwards?
How long did it take for your cycle to return to normal? How long before you ttc?

Thanks for all the love and support.

So, so, so deeply sorry for you.
Sadly btdt multiple times.
In response to your questions:
1. It really depends/varies based on the individual and how far along you were. Hopefully given how early you are it will be more like a heavier/slightly longer period.
2. Some crying, some denial, some raging, some more crying, some talking
3. In the moment I only told DH, but that's just how I deal with things. Over time I did tell close girlfriends, and the last one before DS3 I told her right away. That one hit me particularly hard because I thought it might be my last chance for a third child.
4. I had four m/c b/w DS1 and DS2. I did have an RE involved, but due to an insurance change, I took a four month break from IUI attempts and became pregnant with DS2 on our own. I had one m/c b/w DS2 and DS3 and went on to conceive DS3 four months later.
5. When I had d&c's it was usually four weeks - but keep in mind I tend to get my period after 4-6 weeks when EBF so I am ridiculously regular. With the natural ones, b/w 4-5 weeks. It really just depends on how quickly you hcg returns to normal and it sounds like yours is already back down.

Don't be discouraged, plenty of women go on to have healthy pregnancies. Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to mourn. Again, so sorry.

[egoldber]

I am very sorry. :hug:

A site that I have found very helpful for answering many of the common questions about miscarriage is pregnancyloss.info

[carolinamama]

For those of you who experienced a m/c-
How long for the bleeding to stop?
How did you deal with it?
Did you tell anyone other then DH?
Did you have safe preg afterwards?
How long did it take for your cycle to return to normal? How long before you ttc?

Thanks for all the love and support.

I am so sorry you are going through a miscarriage. It sucks and I say that with experience, unfortunately. Please take care of yourself and grieve as you need to.

To answer your questions:

I have had d&c's each time but I *think* I bled for a week or two.

I didn't deal very well. It took me a good year to realize that m/c's are a real loss and it's okay to grieve even if others don't understand it because they have never felt that way. Now, I remember those babies I lost. I think it helps talking to women who have gone through it and understand but can honestly tell you that you will survive.

I've found that I need that support from others after a m/c so yes, I tell people but only those that I think will be supportive. People who knew me asked what was wrong anyway since I was down.

YES - I had a safe pregnancy afterwards. I had DS1 with no problems, then 2 m/c's, and then DS2 without any complications. Adn I'm crazy enough to want to go through it again in the future.

My cycle returned to normal pretty quickly. I've heard some OBs saying to wait 3 normal cycles and others saying it's okay to start trying right away. Personally, I would think it would depend on how I was feeling emotionally if I was doing well physically.

Huge hugs to you. We are here if you need to cry, vent or talk. There are definitely alot of us on here that understand.

[KathyN115]

So sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage at about 10 weeks, prior to having DD. I had intermittent bleeding for weeks, finally on u/s there was no heartbeat. However, may people knew I was pregnant, so they all ended up knowing about the m/c. I needed a D&C, so the bleeding wasn't for too long after. I waited one cycle before trying again (successfully!). Physically I felt OK but I was really upset for a while. (((HUGS)))

[ezcc]

I just went through this last month-hugs I know it is hard. I was about 8 weeks and we were on vacation (ugh), it took me almost 10 days for the bleeding to stop, but I think most people are quicker than that. There were only a couple of days of really bad/heavy bleeding and cramping. I just used pads, I kept sending dh back to the store (in a small town in Costa Rica mind you) for more/bigger ones. We had told some people about the pregnancy, so had to of course tell them, people were very supportive and it was nice to talk to a few mom friends who had gone through mc themselves. My cycle has regulated itself again I think, I just got my period and it's been about 6 weeks. My midwife did say it's not a bad idea to wait a month or two more for emotional health reasons than anything else. I'm sorry for your loss-

[ray7694]

I also had an early mc and went on to two successful preg. Never trouble after just lots of monitoring. I was devastated. My dh took it even worse than I.

We tried a couple months later and was pregnant again in a few months.

Tell whoever you feel comfortable telling. I personally know MANY people who have had a mc. Everyone heals differently. Just be sure to take time to heal yourself and your dh.

[lchang25000]

So sorry to hear. :hug: I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy around 7 weeks. Turned out, it was a blighted ovum. I had mild to moderate bleeding for a day or so with no bad cramping. No ones knows about my first pregnancy and miscarriage except for DS. My parents to this day still do not know. We tried again after 2-3 months and got pregnant a few months later. I was very cautious to announce my 2nd pregnancy until I knew all was well. My second pregnancy turned out to be DS. :)

[jse107]

I had a m/c between DS and DD. I was about 8 weeks along. Went for an u/s, where there was only a very, very, very faint heartbeat. We knew I would fully m/c--and I started to bleed two day later on my own. OB recommended a D&C, which I had. Bled for a week after and then started trying again as soon as I ovulated! Took us 7 months, but DD came along just fine!

For me, the grieving was more about the loss of an opportunity and the sadness of having to start TTC again.

[sunshine873]

I am so sorry. I have been there and I know it's a hard thing to deal with. :hug:

When I found out I was pregnant I was on such a high. Once I had the miscarriage, I was terrified that I'd never be able to feel that way again, and I wanted that feeling back more than anything.

To answer your questions:
-I think the bleeding stopped right around 2 weeks or so.
-It was tough...very tough. I wasn't prepared for the influx of hormones. I would spend portions of the day curled in a ball crying. I also had some pain at times too, and found that a warm bath really helped with that.
-I did tell people other than DH. It was so miraculous that we were pregnant to start with that we told everyone right away. So, naturally we had to tell them about the m/c too.
-Yes, I got pregnant afterwards. Very soon. Since I was only 5 1/2 weeks along, my Dr gave me the OK to try again as soon as I felt emotionally ready. After the bleeding stopped, the hormones seemed to level off too. We decided to try again right away and I was able to get pregnant right away again. It ended up being a complicated pregnancy, but that was not attributed in any way to the m/c and I now having a smiley little 13 month old little girl to show for it!

Everyone heals differently. Some fast, some slow. My advice to you is to rest, this is very stressful for your body. and give yourself permission to be sad if that's the way you feel. Hang in there...

[kdeunc]

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage in September 07 at 6 weeks. I chose to have a D&C because it was two days before my SIL's out of town wedding. DH and my parents knew immediately (they were coming into town to help with my other children for the wedding). We did not tell anyone else until later in the week after the wedding. No one knew about the pregnancy but DH & me. I waited one normal cycle and got pregnant in November 07. DD was born in July 08. I was 37 when I got pregnant and knew I was not going to wait to ttc.

I will say that I worried the entire pregnancy with DD. I thought about the miscarriage a lot especially around my due date for that pregnancy. Allow yourself to be sad. I found that it does get easier but I still think about it, even with a baby post mc. Take care of yourself!:hug:

[Tanya]

I'm so sorry.

I had a "chemical pregnancy" after a frozen embryo transfer from IVF. My hCG level was really low and I never got a positive on a home pregnancy test, just the blood tests. My level went up, but it didn't double in two days and then it dropped on the 3rd blood test.
I had a heavier than normal period (I had to stop doing progesterone shots in order to start bleeding).
Hmmm, this happened around Thanksgiving and I live in my own little depression hell, but the m/c is just a part of that since we are about out of options/money for getting pregnant. I get up in the mornings because my two daughters depend on me and I know how lucky I am to have them. As for the m/c, I still feel so sad and I'm not sure how to describe it...maybe empty and just always so sad.
Dh, of course, was with me through it all. Other than that, I told another mom going through infertility and I told one of my close friends. I really don't tell too many that we have been going through ivf though.
I haven't had a pregnancy after the m/c. My doctor has had me wait a few months to start again. My periods have been fairly normal since the first heavy one, but I'm on various drugs to prepare for another frozen embryo transfer.

Tanya

[infocrazy]

For those of you who experienced a m/c-
How long for the bleeding to stop?
How did you deal with it?
Did you tell anyone other then DH?
Did you have safe preg afterwards?
How long did it take for your cycle to return to normal? How long before you ttc?

Thanks for all the love and support.

I am so sorry. It was our very first pregnancy. I started spotting at 5 wks and actually miscarried at 6.

1. I spotted for a week, then it was like a normal, although slightly heavier period.
2. I was really sad for a while, obsessed about what I could have done to make this happen, realize I didn't do anything, and talked to DH. I would be fine for a few days, then bust out crying for no reason. Then I started over-researching everything but particularly the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I was really uneducated about the entire fertility process in general and I cope by researching.
3. Very very very few people, although over time I have been much more open about it. It is sadly shocking how many people have similar stories.
4. Yes, 3 more pregnancies, although DS3 is a different story altogether.
5. I feel like I returned to normal on the third cycle after and that is when we got pregnant with DS1. It took about a week longer for the first period after, the next one was about a week shorter than normal, then we were pregnant.

No matter what you are feeling, it is right and normal.

Sorry.

[DebbieJ]

So sorry for your loss. I've BTDT.

I had a D&C and I think the bleeding lasted about a week and it took 1-2 months for my cycle to regulate. We had told a select few that we were pregnant, and then when the loss happened, we sent out an email to all our friends and family. That was the easiest way to tell everyone at once. Most people were supportive and I was shocked by the number of "me too" responses I got.

As for dealing with it, it takes time. Give yourself space and time to grieve. We all deal with it differently. For me, it still sneaks up on me and surprises me sometimes. Last month was 2 years and even though I now have a precious 5 month old son, I still cry for the baby we lost.

(((HUGS))) to you!

[g-mama]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[shawnandangel]

No advice, just wanted to say I am terribly sorry for your loss.

[sste]

Everyone is different so what worked for me may not work at all for you. I had very early losses - - all before 8 weeks and our doctor's thinking was all implantation issues. I think quite a few of these losses. I say I think because I stopped taking pregnancy tests so that way I wouldn't know *for sure* that it was failure to implant versus a late period. I found that helpful. I didn't think of the loss at that stage - - 5 or 6 or 7 weeks - - as a baby but rather as the potential for a baby and the potential for a certain future I had envisioned. This was painful enough. I would have felt differently about a loss at 9 or 10 weeks and for a loss over four or five months I would personally want a grave and burial. Obviously, everyone sees this in radically different ways - - I know people who mourned a loss at 5 weeks at the same level of those who mourned a stillborn baby. That wasn't the case for me though.

I bled for about a week -- like a period but atypical in color and nature of discharge. I almost always started trying again within a month.

Hang in there. It is crushing to feel like you are finally pregnant and then have it ripped away after you have seen those pink lines on a test!

[AnnieW625]

Hugs to you and your DH.

I think I have miscarried not knowing I was pregnant twice, both times I had gained 5lbs out of nowhere, and my period was more than a few days late (had just gotten married the first time, and the second time had just moved so I knew stress could be messing w/my cycle even though I was on the pill both times). The first time (2003) I never took a test so I'll never know for sure, but I know my period was at least two weeks late once it started so I think it was an egg that never implanted correctly. The same thing happened the second time (2005) although I did take a test that time (HPT, and at drs.) and it was negative, but my period was still overly late. In both cases I ended up losing those 5lbs within weeks, and my cycle came back. I don't recall having any really heavy bleeding or my period lasting longer than normal. I got pregnant with DD in July of 2005 and the pregnancy was normal. I never told DH about the first possible pregnancy (I know I told him eventually I just can't remember when; but he did know about the second possible one because I told him I was going to the clinic to take the test.)

I did lose a second baby to tri-18 at 26 weeks (2009) and had to have a D&E surgery. It was hard, I bled for a good week after that and had to deal with breastmilk coming in. It was tough, but I had the support of my family, my husband, and I went and saw a counselor at my medical group once and it was helpful. I got pregnant just over three months after my surgery. This baby is healthy and is due in just over two months. I did worry a lot until I had a 13 wk. u/s to measure fluids and some early blood work to check for deficiencies. Once all that came back clean it made this pregnancy soo much easier.

[KpbS]

Sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

[June Mommy2]

For those of you who experienced a m/c-
How long for the bleeding to stop?
How did you deal with it?
Did you tell anyone other then DH?
Did you have safe preg afterwards?
How long did it take for your cycle to return to normal? How long before you ttc?

Thanks for all the love and support.

I am so sorry for your loss.
1. I had 2 early m/c, one at 6 weeks and one at 5. I bled for about a week with each one.
2. With the first m/c, it was totally unexpected and I took it pretty hard. I just wanted to lay around and cry for a few days, and throw myself into 'research' to find out what happened.
3. We had told our families and close friends that we were pregnant, so we did tell those people about the m/c.
4. I had 2 m/c before my successful pregnancy with my DS. Do you know if your OB does any testing after a m/c? Mine did not until you experienced 3 :(
5. My cycles both returned to normal within a month and we began ttc as soon as possible. I had my first m/c in May, 2nd in Aug and conceived my DS in Oct.

Again, I am so very sorry :grouphug:

[Ceepa]

I'm sorry. :hug:

[Indianamom2]

First, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having BTDT, it's hard.

To try to answer your questions (since this is very similar to my situation):

-
How long for the bleeding to stop?

If I remember correctly, it was like a regular period in length of time. (It's been around 6 years ago though.) I do recall the Dr. (a real jerk, I must say) telling me that it would be just like a normal period. Well, it wasn't. I say this to sort of prepare you. I m/c'd around the 5 week mark and there was significantly more cramping and more (sorry, TMI) tissue passing. I definitely knew when I was m/c'ing. It was not particularly fun or pleasant, but I don't remember it lasting a lot longer than a regular period.

How did you deal with it?

Well, I cried (and I'm not a crier). I felt angry. I had been trying for a year prior to this, with help, and I was so frustrated and demoralized. I just didn't understand why so many women could get pregnant so easily, especially those that didn't even want/couldn't/wouldn't provide for children, and I was having so much trouble. I was ready, I had the means and willingness to love a child and I couldn't get pregnant and now, couldn't stay pregnant. I felt like my body was betraying me. It hurt.

For a short while, I felt like crying whenever I saw a baby/baby products/commercials...this was also during the time when Johnson & Johnson ran the "having a baby changes everything" campaign. Talk about hurt! For a long while, I was frustrated with those who "had it easy".

However time is a great healer. In a few weeks, I started feeling more hopeful again. Within a month's time, I was emotionally ready to start trying again. However, when I did get pregnant again, I worried more and there was sort of an innocence lost during that first trimester. I was hopeful for the future, but too hurt to truly let go and just believe that everything was going to be okay.

Did you tell anyone other then DH?

We did tell both sets of parents. We actually told them when I started spotting because we wanted the extra prayers, but we asked them not to tell anyone else. They didn't. Over time, we both shared with close friends/other family members if the topic came up. Now, I have no problem sharing if it will help someone else through the same thing. The hurt is no longer there.

Did you have safe preg afterwards?

I had an almost 42 week perfectly easy/safe pregnancy about 6 months later. I did have some bleeding/cramping at the 5 week mark with DD, and I was certain I was m/c'ing again, but everything was fine.

How long did it take for your cycle to return to normal? How long before you ttc?

Well, prior to this pregnancy, I had been annovulatory and so was taking Clomid to ovulate/have a period at all. Ironically, it took a failed pregnancy (technically a blighted ovum) to get my body back to ovulating on its own. I still had some issues with longer-than-normal cycles, and needed clomid to help get pregnant, but the m/c actually helped kick-start my hormones/cycles. But I'm not the norm for this question.

Again, I'm so sorry to hear this news. I know it hurts, but it will get easier. Remember that a lot of how you're feeling now is also fed by increased hormone levels. It's kinda like adding insult to injury. Take some time to heal and rest and know that you are not alone. :hug:

[Dream]

Sorry for your loss and pain:grouphug:

Wishes for a speedy recovery.

[LD92599]

Huge Hugs! This happened to me as well, 3 positive tests at home and then what i thought was spotting - it was my period a week later than usual/early MC. It's fairly common too :-(

However we got PG the following cycle and i'm now 21 weeks!

[MZS V]

Hugs to you! My BTDT experiences mostly involve ectopic pregnancies and fertility treatment, so not exactly the same as far as recovery and ttc timing.

I hope you will allow yourself to feel whatever you need to during this time. FWIW, I chose not to tell others, but that is prob more about my personality and how I know *I* best deal with grief.

Thinking of you.

[wendmatt]

So sorry for your loss. Don't forget it is a loss and allow yourself to grieve. I had a m/c (early on though) and was pg 4 mths later (but there was a time inbetween that we couldn't try). As a pp said, it's not uncommon but that doesn't lessen the pain, be kind to yourself. Hugs to you.

[DrSally]

I'm so sorry. I hope others have more BTDT advice. I think all of the things you are feeling are totally normal.

[ThreeofUs]

Hugs! So very sorry you're going through this.

:grouphug:

[BigDog]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I miscarried between 6-7 weeks while on vacation. I had light spotting for about 5 days, and then heavier bleeding for 2 days and then that was it. I didn't need a D&C since I was still early in the pregnancy. My OB suggested I wait to have one regular period before trying again. I got my period within 4-6 weeks. I wasn't distraught by the miscarriage - I think because it happened so early on - but I was disappointed because in my head it was the perfect timeframe for me to be pregnant. Having the miscarriage threw my ideal timeline off, so I decided to wait 3 cycles before trying again. I got pregnant again on the first try, but I was optimistically cautious. Right now I'm 12 weeks and everything is looking great so I hope I continue with a healthy pregnancy. I told my family and friends about my miscarriage because I'm the type of person who feels the need to share everything.

Feel better and know that everything will be ok.

[smilequeen]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Whatever your feelings about the miscarriage they are going to be normal for you, everyone handles a loss differently. It is a real loss though and you deserve the time, space, and sympathy for whatever it takes to get through it. Big hugs.

I have had 2 miscarriages, one just a few weeks ago. The first was at 10 weeks after my OB could not find the heartbeat on the doppler. This most recent was at 8 weeks discovered at a follow up u/s. Mine were later and both needed D&Cs, but I will try to answer your questions as best I can :(

How long for the bleeding to stop? With the D&Cs I spotted for a week or so, at the point you are at it will likely be more like a heavy period I imagine :(
How did you deal with it? The first one I dealt with very very badly. I was totally devastated. I was scared to death that I was never going to have a child at all. I needed therapy to get through it. This one I imagine I'm dealing with fairly normally. I am very very sad, but I am functioning well. My older kids are keeping me busy. Nights are the hardest b/c when the kids are asleep I have more time to think about it. This time I have a lot of anger about having my second miscarriage.
Did you tell anyone other then DH? The first one a lot of people knew I was pregnant. I was 10 weeks, no bleeding or cramping, and I thought I was pretty safe. I have never told anyone that I didn't trust to understand after my first pregnancy, so there are people who know this time but not as many. I learned who was going to say crappy stuff after my first m/c and I don't tell those people anything.
Did you have safe preg afterwards? After my first m/c I had my 2 boys. This time, I really hope so. I feel more confident about being able to than I did the first time b/c I do have the 2 boys.
How long did it take for your cycle to return to normal? How long before you ttc? My cycle was actually normal right after my first D&C and then I developed a cyst and had some strange cycles. I am not sure about this one. After my first m/c we started trying right away. I HAD to emotionally. This time we are waiting for one normal period b/c I need to take a breath. I started seeing an acupuncturist after I developed that cyst, I got pregnant the first cycle I saw her which was 4 months after my m/c. I started seeing an acupuncturist this time right away hoping that my cycles go back to normal and stay that way. I am also more relaxed about getting pregnant again this time, but do feel an age crunch (I am 35)

Anyway, I am very very sorry :(

[infomama]

I'm so sorry. I've walked in your shoes so I will try to shed some light.

First off when I was told I had miscarried I was incredibly sad..I cried, I was scared and I prayed a lot. My OB told me that this happens so often and many women done even know they had become pregnant in the first place. I told my immediate family but no one else knew. I can't remember how long it took for the bleeding to stop but DH and I started trying less than months later and I became pregnant with dd1 (a 40 week uncomplicated pregnancy).

Take care of yourself....

[jacksmomtobe]

No BTDT that but just wanted to send you some hugs!!

[catpagmo]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug:

[JTsMom]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug:

[fortato]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Whatever you feel, it's ok to feel that way.

[salsah]

so sorry for you loss. how far along were you? i get the sense from your post that if you hadn't taken the pregnancy test, you would have thought this was just a late period. if that is the case, i can share my BTDT experience. if not, ignore the rest of this post.
i wouldn't dwell on it too much. i don't mean to sound harsh (your feelings are justified), but this kind of thing (spontaneous abortion of an embryo) is common and may have happened to you before but you didn't know that you were pregnant. it happens to many women who don't even realize that they were pregnant.
if it is that early, then the bleeding will last as long as a regular period and you will not need to wait to try to conceive again. (unless your ob said otherwise.) and there is no reason to fear another miscarriage.
my situation may have been different because we were struggling with infertility. after many failed attempts with fertility treatment, we were beyond excited when we found out that i was pregnant (first time). when we found out that i was miscarrying, we were sad, but hopeful. it was a sign that we CAN get pregnant. it motivated us to keep trying. and because it happened so early in the pregnancy, our fertility doctors and my ob didn't see any reason to be concerned about it.

i hope this helps. :hug5: