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View Full Version : Do you Feel "Guarded" in Your Friendships with Colleagues or Other Moms?



sste
02-25-2010, 03:45 PM
I was thinking about the loneliness thread earlier today and I realized that I have a higher than average number of really close friends . . . but no super-close friends where I currently live and really none made in the past five years. And that part of that is that at this stage in my life the people I am meeting are either within my professional network or are other moms. With the colleagues or professional network people, I have alot in common with them but quite frankly tend to think it is in my best interest to keep my general eccentricity a bit under wraps - - and not confide in them the way I typically do to friends about personal ups and downs. With the moms, I feel like there is a wierd undercurrent of competitiveness or insecurity and that I have to be very guarded in what I say lest anyone possibly feel judged - - its a bit exhausting really. Also with other parents, I do feel a little concern that any admissions by me of feeling upset or down or having a bad temper will involuntarily translate into a judgment by the other mom about how this has affected my child (who ironically given my genetic contribution is at the extreme upper end of good-natured and well-adjusted).

Does anyone else experience this? It has taken me aback because I always thought that the in the trenches quality of parenting would promote alot of friendship bonding. Maybe I just need to get over it . . .

SnuggleBuggles
02-25-2010, 04:09 PM
I am totally honest about my struggles with parenting and I think that has gotten me more friends. They confide in me things that they don't tend to admit out loud for fear of being judged because they feel comfortable with me. I realize that some people old back and try to look "perfect" but that isn't me. I look like I have my act together for the most part- fully stocked diaper bag, nice clothes, I clean the house well before a playdate...but I will do things like admit that I stayed up late the night before cleaning or that I ran out of snacks for ds the other day. Little things at first. I just try to be who I am. If they want to judge me for having typical parenting struggles or something then they are not the friends for me.

Now, what I do do is not get close to people for a real long time. And I tend to only have 1-3 really close friends. I am picky about who I really let in and get close to. I have a lot of people I am friendly with and could call friends but not a lot that I would call upon if something bad happened. I am trying to open up a bit better lately. I got burned in the past though so I feel more guarded that way.

Beth

maestramommy
02-25-2010, 04:10 PM
Well, in my local moms group back in CA, I didn't feel guarded as much. Most of them I met when Dora was just past nb stage, and we went through a lot of infancy and early toddlerhood together. We also just liked to hang out, so in between the weekly playdate, MNO, and meeting to go walking in the park, the same group of moms saw each other a fair amount. So unless there's a really incompatibility of personality or parenting style, a bond gets forged.

Now in my new town, I'm joining an existing MOMS club. It seems as though the core of the group (and it's big) have known each other quite some time, their oldest kids are older than mine, and it's a small down, so the MOMS club has done a lot of service projects for organizations I read about in the paper. The moms are really nice, but I haven't really "bonded" with anyone yet. I could attribute that to the New England reserve I'm always hearing about, but at the end of the day, it just takes time, AND it takes energy and initiative. I haven't sensed any competitive parenting, and most of the intense convos involve eating green:p and keeping kids safe. In fact, for a town that's supposed to be very safe, there's very little free range parenting as far as I can tell. But that could just be my not knowing the other moms as well as I should.

I will say when I posted on my MOMS club message board about my struggles with supplementing, with Dora's behavior last year, and needing a babysitter, the response was overwhelmingly supportive. That has helped a lot in terms of me feeling more connected.

C99
02-25-2010, 06:04 PM
It has taken me aback because I always thought that the in the trenches quality of parenting would promote alot of friendship bonding. Maybe I just need to get over it . . .

Maybe you just need a good therapist? I mean that in a nice way, but I think there are times when women (maybe men do this too, I don't know) mistake having a close friend for having a good therapist. I do not confide anything much to colleagues because it's just not appropriate IMO. I like my co-workers, but I don't need to socialize them outside of work.

With my friends, I am very open about what's going on with me today, last week, 5 minutes ago... I'm like Beth (snugglebuggles) in that way. I call it like I see it and that sometimes gets me in trouble, but I'm honest about it. Certainly, there are people with whom I am more guarded in my comments, but generally, I am the same way with everyone. If you are going to judge me for admitting that I spanked my daughter last week, we probably wouldn't be good friends anyway. ;-) That said, there are some things that bother me that don't bother anyone else, and I'd rather not alienate someone with whom I have an otherwise good relationship by bringing it up repeatedly instead of shelving it for another time/audience.

LarsMal
02-25-2010, 06:19 PM
Also with other parents, I do feel a little concern that any admissions by me of feeling upset or down or having a bad temper will involuntarily translate into a judgment by the other mom about how this has affected my child (who ironically given my genetic contribution is at the extreme upper end of good-natured and well-adjusted).


This is how I feel. I am only completely open and honest with my very close friends, who know me well enough to know that my ups/downs/frustration/temper does not mean my children aren't loved, cared for, and safe. It is therapy for me to be able to open up and joke with my close friends about the things I sometimes say and do (no mental or physical harm!) to my kids. I am a pretty sarcastic person. My good friends know that, and know that I absolutely love and adore my kids- even though they make me crazy! Sometimes I'll post something on my FB status and my closest friends will understand and can joke back with me, but I wonder if my friends who aren't around me as much wonder what kind of mother I really am! (I hope this doesn't make me sound like a terrible mother!)

Until I really get to know someone and they understand my personality and humor, I remain fairly guarded.

sste
02-25-2010, 06:31 PM
[QUOTE=C99;2641173]Maybe you just need a good therapist? I mean that in a nice way, but I think there are times when women (maybe men do this too, I don't know) mistake having a close friend for having a good therapist. I do not confide anything much to colleagues because it's just not appropriate IMO. I like my co-workers, but I don't need to socialize them outside of work. QUOTE]

Well, therapy is generally helpful so certainly not dismissing that. But, what I mean more is that to me close friendship is about sharing one's ups and downs on a personal level. About feeling you can make yourself vulnerable to another person. This does not mean the friend can or should solve your problems - - but they are a source of support you can generally rely on. I do see your point about colleagues and tend to agree. But I guess what I am trying to say is that if I exempt all my colleagues from close friendship potential AND I tend to think young/new moms can be hyper-sensitive and -defensive, this is not leaving me with much to work with in the friendship department!

Also, part of it for me is that being a parent is a modest, even small, part of my identity. I think that has to do with who I am and also the fact that DS is very much his own person and appears predisposed to thrive without much intervention on my part other than the normal time and affection. For many parents, their parenting is a huge part of their identity and if you ask them "How are you doing" they will invariably respond with a description of how their child is. If you ask them "How do you feel about this," they will respond with how it affects their child. I do understand this is a difference in perspective between me and apparently much of society! But I feel like it makes it hard to get to know the woman . . . I ONLY get to know them as a parent . . . and that relationship is fraught with alot of ego-involvement at least in the early stages of parenting.

Ceepa
02-25-2010, 06:39 PM
I find that I'm most open with friends who are in the same place in life
(mother vs. non-mother) and those who share the same parenting philosphy. I can't tell you how many times I've edited what I was going to say when I know someone would handle a situation with their kids completely differently. I'm generally not in the mood to debate differences or try to "teach" my friends about what wonderful parenting ideas I have :rolleye0014: so I keep a lot to myself until I can let loose with a good friend, local or long-distance.

And at this point in my life I'm still working on reclaiming "me" outside of "DC's mom"

bubbaray
02-25-2010, 06:42 PM
I am very guarded with others in general. Particularly coworkers.

Then again, I have a picture of my girls and my dog in a large dog crate as my "desktop" on my double-screen computer at work. It really makes people pause, LOL.

FTR, the door to the crate was open and everyone is smiling. Well, except for the dog who was not particularly pleased that he was now sharing HIS crate with the little people.

Twoboos
02-25-2010, 06:49 PM
This is interesting, I've been thinking about this in another way. It's that when I am meeting new people now, I just feel like an idiot. Like I am always saying something dumb or people are rolling their eyes behind my back. Ex: At a gathering for the K moms earlier in the year, a lot of them knew each other already and had hung out before from previous classes. I forced myself to go even though I felt really uncomfortable - everyone was really nice but I just felt like an outsider.

I am generally pretty sarcastic and am usually afraid people don't "get" me, and may be offended (which makes me feel horrible). I a lucky to have some friends who do get me, and love me anyway. :)

So Julie, I am right there with you. :) Sarcastic Women, Unite!!

mecawa
02-25-2010, 06:53 PM
I am VERY guarded to a fault with almost everyone, and it is one of the reasons I don't have a ton of close friends. I'm not even sure why I am that way. I don't know if it is a protection thing or what, I just don't open up, and let very few people in. I have 2 REALLY close friends that I grew up with, 1 semi close friend that I met through kids activities,and everyone else is either family or an acquantice. I'm trying to change that but its hard, my sister is the same way too. I've had friends who I've been semi close to but the friendship didn't last or didn't evolve into something closer because I just don't open up like everyone else around me who seems to tell me there life stories. For instance when DD2 was born she was REALLY sick and I had my semi close friend calling wanting to now all the details and I found it so hard to share that with her, and she was just trying to be there but I just felt, like I needed to pretend to be strong like it wasn't bothering me, like I was confident when in actuality I was falling apart. Where if that were her, she would be calling me with all the detail, ykwim?? It's something I'm trying to get over, I'm just overly guarded and private. So I know exactly where the OP is coming from.

Ceepa
02-25-2010, 06:56 PM
So Julie, I am right there with you. :) Sarcastic Women, Unite!!

Let's start a club.

deborah_r
02-25-2010, 07:49 PM
Yes, I feel very guarded. I feel like I've forgotten how to truly make friends. I always worry about how something I might say will sound and what people will think, especially other parents.

LarsMal
02-25-2010, 08:41 PM
Let's start a club.

Wait...we have something in common?! ;) :p

Ceepa
02-25-2010, 09:00 PM
Wait...we have something in common?! ;) :p

Wait ... are you being sarcastic? :D

scrooks
02-25-2010, 09:28 PM
This is interesting, I've been thinking about this in another way. It's that when I am meeting new people now, I just feel like an idiot. Like I am always saying something dumb or people are rolling their eyes behind my back. Ex: At a gathering for the K moms earlier in the year, a lot of them knew each other already and had hung out before from previous classes. I forced myself to go even though I felt really uncomfortable - everyone was really nice but I just felt like an outsider.

I am generally pretty sarcastic and am usually afraid people don't "get" me, and may be offended (which makes me feel horrible). I a lucky to have some friends who do get me, and love me anyway. :)

So Julie, I am right there with you. :) Sarcastic Women, Unite!!

I could have written this. I feel the same way! Sometimes I think I try to hard to fit in or something. I also feel like most people don't get me!

DebbieJ
02-25-2010, 09:56 PM
Now, what I do do is not get close to people for a real long time. And I tend to only have 1-3 really close friends. I am picky about who I really let in and get close to. I have a lot of people I am friendly with and could call friends but not a lot that I would call upon if something bad happened.


This is interesting, I've been thinking about this in another way. It's that when I am meeting new people now, I just feel like an idiot. Like I am always saying something dumb or people are rolling their eyes behind my back. Ex: At a gathering for the K moms earlier in the year, a lot of them knew each other already and had hung out before from previous classes. I forced myself to go even though I felt really uncomfortable - everyone was really nice but I just felt like an outsider.



:yeahthat:

DS1 started Kindergarten this year and I am *finally* getting involved in the PTO and meeting the other moms. I've been totally clueless as to how to navigate this new word of potential friendships.

g-mama
02-25-2010, 10:35 PM
No, I don't feel guarded. I was very, very shy up until college. I "blossomed" in college and really started becoming an extrovert after meeting my dh in my mid-20s. I feel like I'm making up for missed years of friendship and camaraderie now. I have many more friends at this stage of my life (close ones and acquaintances) than I did when I was younger. I feel comfortable with who I am, and would say that I'm the opposite of guarded. I am an open book. I am very honest about my parenting challenges and struggles. I agree with others who said this makes people comfortable and perhaps feel that they won't be judged. This is a very good phase in my life as far as having people I can talk with, lean on, and have fun with.

Tammy
02-25-2010, 10:55 PM
This is interesting to hear what other moms have to say. I've been thinking about this lately too. It seems like the older I get- the less "close" friends I have. My best friend is still close by and we talk (email) almost daily and get together as often as we can with our girls. My other very close lifelong friend moved far away and we talk on the phone probably every couple of months and email and that's it. Another one I lost touch with and because of the person she's become- I don't miss her. I am close friends with my SIL and that's great- but there are several time I feel like I can't say what I really want to without someone getting mad at me. I used to not worry about this. Not like I'd say something mean, but that I would be nice about it and still be honest. Now unless it's my best friend- I probably hold back more and don't say what I really want to. I have met a couple of moms from DD's class and they're super nice and I'd like to get together with them more. I could use more friends honestly and I think if I let myself open up more about things- it would help.
Recently I changed jobs and moved to a different location, so I really miss my coworkers who were also close friends. Now where I am now- I am friends with some of the people, but no one really close and I miss that.

Minnifer
02-25-2010, 11:03 PM
Me three (four? five???) on the being-very-sarcastic-and-feeling-like-people-don't-get-me thing!!! I *always* feel like I have to tone it down - otherwise I have that experience where I say something that is incredibly witty and insightful (if I do say so myself) and people just stare at me blankly and blink a few times. Drives me nuts!

My whole life, I have felt like I have to be a little "fake," i.e., not really say what I think or feel. My natural inclination is to be VERY honest and up front about everything - very little holding back on anything if you know what I mean - and I have NOT found that this is very well received. Again, the stare/blink reaction. Because of this, I feel like I *have* to be guarded, or else people look at me like I have 5 heads.

I feel like it is very, very rare in life to find friends (or anyone really) where you really "get" the other person, and are "gotten" by them - you know, like when you're out together somewhere at some event or something, and something happens, and you can look across the room at that friend and know that they are thinking the same thing about it, and have the same take on it, and you can crack up together about it later? Very rare...

I go back and forth between thinking this is all part of the human condition - feeling "other" from everyone else - or that it's just me :p .

bubbaray
02-25-2010, 11:06 PM
Me three (four? five???) on the being-very-sarcastic-and-feeling-like-people-don't-get-me thing!!! I *always* feel like I have to tone it down - otherwise I have that experience where I say something that is incredibly witty and insightful (if I do say so myself) and people just stare at me blankly and blink a few times. Drives me nuts!

My whole life, I have felt like I have to be a little "fake," i.e., not really say what I think or feel. My natural inclination is to be VERY honest and up front about everything - very little holding back on anything if you know what I mean - and I have NOT found that this is very well received. Again, the stare/blink reaction. Because of this, I feel like I *have* to be guarded, or else people look at me like I have 5 heads.

I feel like it is very, very rare in life to find friends (or anyone really) where you really "get" the other person, and are "gotten" by them - you know, like when you're out together somewhere at some event or something, and something happens, and you can look across the room at that friend and know that they are thinking the same thing about it, and have the same take on it, and you can crack up together about it later? Very rare...

I go back and forth between thinking this is all part of the human condition - feeling "other" from everyone else - or that it's just me :p .


a huge :yeahthat:

I hate the "five heads" look. Especially when I've been particularly witty.

jenfromnj
02-25-2010, 11:20 PM
I really do know what you mean. I'm SAH with my DS right now, but when I was working, I always kept a bit of distance from anyone with whom I had a professional relationship. It was similar to what you mentioned, I didn't relish the idea of them seeing how wacky I really am (even moreso because I was in a really male-dominated, buttoned up profession). While I had good working relationships with most of my colleagues, they were definitely not a warm and fuzzy types of relationships.

As far as other moms, I am fortunate that my 2 closest longtime friends, as well as my sister with whom I'm very close, have children only slightly older than DS, and we're able to be quite real and honest with each other.

However, the moms I've met at playgroups and baby-related activities such as DS's music class, are another matter entirely. With them, I absolutely feel as you do--guarded. Perhaps it's a function of not having met the right group of people just yet, or of this geographic area, but I feel as though there is such an underlying competitiveness and that the moms can be extremely judgmental. I, like some of the other moms here who have responded, have an extremely sarcastic sense of humor, and I sometimes find myself holding back a bit and watching what I say, which I was definitely not one to do pre-DS.

As you said, I had hoped that among groups of moms, there would be a certain sense of wanting to support each other and become the best parents we can be (sorry to sound hokey)--but that's definitely not the sense that I've gotten from most of the moms groups and the like I've encountered so far.

g-mama
02-25-2010, 11:40 PM
My natural inclination is to be VERY honest and up front about everything - very little holding back on anything if you know what I mean - and I have NOT found that this is very well received.

To be honest (pun intended), it's usually not. I have a neighbor who became a friend and her overly brutal honesty just wore on me. I felt like she was just a total ball buster and it was so unpredictable what she would go off on a rampage about. She was quite confrontational and that just not my thing. Sometimes being overly sarcastic is a way to amuse oneself but doesn't "win friends and influence people."

Seitvonzu
02-25-2010, 11:56 PM
reading through this thread makes me feel more fortunate than i would have thought at first when i opened it. i've been having a "blue funk" this week -- precipitated by a rather dramatic playdate that left me feeling drained and homesick. as soon as i got home i called a friend i haven't seen in forever to get a dose of similar values/parenting style. my DH laughed when he came home and i said i called this particular friend, because sometimes i complain about her being exhausting. i think sometimes i'm just exhausted and insecure in general and it has nothing to do with my friends ;)

my friend wasn't home, so i called another friend (who was also at the playdate) and it was a relief to hear that she felt the same way when she got home. we "processed" the situation together and then closed the conversation by saying we'd see each other at the library on wednesday. i met the few close "mommy friends" (but really just "mommy" to differentiate them from other groups of people i know) i have when i went to the breastfeeding support group (not la leche) at the local hospital. my baby was 5 weeks old and eating 18 times a day. i was really exhausted. i was whipping out my breasts in front of people and couldn't care less (you fed the baby and then had them reweighed to see how many ounces they were having). people were in all sorts of overwrought situations. all of us were nervous first time mother's trying to do what was best for our babies. all of us went through situations where we wanted to pull our hair out (we were always talking about going to "crazytown"). i was having fantasies about leaving my child, her tinysized but extensive wardrobe, and a cooler of pumped milk at the meetings ;) of course i never did this, people would have known it was my child from all the bows in the diaper bag!

point of all that is-- i was really honest with these people from the start. in that situation it was really easy to open up to people. i dont' know what i would have done the last two years without my mommy friends! i'm not sure how i'm going to make such good friends again if we move...maybe i'll have to have another baby! ;)

Minnifer
02-25-2010, 11:59 PM
To be honest (pun intended), it's usually not. I have a neighbor who became a friend and her overly brutal honesty just wore on me. I felt like she was just a total ball buster and it was so unpredictable what she would go off on a rampage about. She was quite confrontational and that just not my thing. Sometimes being overly sarcastic is a way to amuse oneself but doesn't "win friends and influence people."

Yeah, that's actually not what I meant when I said I was honest and up front - I meant that, whether something going on in my life is good or bad, I'll talk about it honestly - I find that many people put up a front about how wonderful!!! things are and how happy!!! they are. And never, ever talk about anything non-shiny/happy/sunny. I am much more "real" than that.

And my comment about being sarcastic was a separate point to being honest and up front - they are not necessarily tied together.

Also, I don't think being sarcastic automatically equates to being "overly sarcastic" or confrontational - sure, some people may be, but not everyone. I am *not* caustic or mean or a "ball buster," but there are still plenty of people who don't get my humor.

Methinks this is a perfect example of what I was talking about ;) .

SnuggleBuggles
02-26-2010, 12:00 AM
Yeah, that's actually not what I meant when I said I was honest and up front - I meant that, whether something going on in my life is good or bad, I'll talk about it honestly - I find that many people put up a front about how wonderful!!! things are and how happy!!! they are. And never, ever talk about anything non-shiny/happy/sunny. I am much more "real" than that.

.

That's me too.

Beth

g-mama
02-26-2010, 12:05 AM
Yeah, that's actually not what I meant when I said I was honest and up front - I meant that, whether something going on in my life is good or bad, I'll talk about it honestly - I find that many people put up a front about how wonderful!!! things are and how happy!!! they are. And never, ever talk about anything non-shiny/happy/sunny. I am much more "real" than that.

And my comment about being sarcastic was a separate point to being honest and up front - they are not necessarily tied together.

Also, I don't think being sarcastic automatically equates to being "overly sarcastic" or confrontational - sure, some people may be, but not everyone. I am *not* caustic or mean or a "ball buster," but there are still plenty of people who don't get my humor.

Methinks this is a perfect example of what I was talking about ;) .



I'm the same way in terms of being honest. I guess I thought you meant something else, which reminded me of the personality traits of the neighbor I mentioned. I didn't mean any offense to you. I didn't mean to direct my comment at you specifically, just some other moms I've met who are overly sarcastic, shouldn't have made it seem like you were, as I wouldn't even know. :)

ohiomom
02-26-2010, 12:12 AM
I have 1 long term friend (from way back in college) and one super mid-term friend to whom I can I can tell absolutely everything and everything. I have 2-3 other friends that I can also truly lean on, but they aren't my go-to friends because they are less likely to confide in me when troubled. They prop me up, but I get little opportunity to reciprocate so it feels weird and I don't want to be a "burden". I have several lighter-style friends that I can share most everything, but we don't stay in touch as much as the others. Any parents that come off as competitive don't become my friend. I do not have the time or energy to deal with that crapola.

I have a leadership position at work. It bites at times because there are women I could REALLY connect with, but feel I need to keep at arms length because of my work role. I wouldn't make a final decision re: any performance issues with them, but I would definitely have a voice and take a lead in the "dirty work" behind the scenes. That said people at work confide in me all the time. Particularly a few with big life issues to manage. I'm glad they are comfortable doing so, but it is hard to put their worries aside and get my own work done at times.

I adore my first 2 girlfriends mentioned and am very grateful for the others. I have no clue what I'd do without them as outlets. :hug:

Minnifer
02-26-2010, 12:15 AM
I'm the same way in terms of being honest. I guess I thought you meant something else, which reminded me of the personality traits of the neighbor I mentioned. I didn't mean any offense to you. I didn't mean to direct my comment at you specifically, just some other moms I've met who are overly sarcastic, shouldn't have made it seem like you were, as I wouldn't even know. :)

Oh, no worries, I just wanted to clarify :) . I do know exactly what you mean and have run into people like that a fair amount - so sarcastic that they come across as bitter/caustic, and it can be incredibly off-putting. I actually used to have a close friend who was like that, and it was a big issue for us b/c I could only handle her in limited doses - she was very, very draining...

C99
02-26-2010, 02:20 AM
But I guess what I am trying to say is that if I exempt all my colleagues from close friendship potential AND I tend to think young/new moms can be hyper-sensitive and -defensive, this is not leaving me with much to work with in the friendship department!


OK, now I understand what you mean. Perhaps you need to set the example among new-moms where you aren't hyper-sensitive and defensive?

I think it's really hard to move from "hi, how are you?" friends to deeper friendships, if that is what you mean. I have lived in the same neighborhood for 7 1/2 years and I still can't get beyond that with many of my neighbors. For those w/ whom I have, it's because one of us opened up about something and let ourselves be vulnerable.

Also, don't discount the Internet as a way to make friends. Two of my closest mom friends I met right here on the BBB. I actually just went out to dinner with them both this evening!

I've been part of a playgroup since my oldest was 6 months old. At one point, I was really close to everyone in playgroup. Now I am close to 1-2 people only. I still like everyone, but I have said obnoxious things without thinking them through entirely and managed to alienate some group members at one time or another. Most of these were patched up. Everyone who knows me from the beginning of time can recount some moment where I said something obnoxious because I didn't think about it. I try not to be brutally, negatively honest, as g-mama said her neighbor is, but I still stay stupid things. I guess that is the downside to making yourself vulnerable.

egoldber
02-26-2010, 07:55 AM
Well, I am more guarded at work than with other friends. There are things I won't share at work: that I'm considering changing jobs, how unhappy I am with my commute, how wretched juggling child care really is, etc. I am too concerned that if I share these things it would get back to my boss. But I don't really have any reservations talking about parenting and my kids and my challenges with them.

In fact, I have gotten a lot of great perspective and feedback from other women at work with older kids who have been through the challenges I am now facing. I think children tend to be a great equalizer. Everyone who has been a parent can appreciate the challenges of raising children, even if our kids have different challenges. Everyone has a story or perspective to share.

I have very much found that being open in talking about my parenting challenges has brought me closer to other parents. My younger DD is a terrible sleeper and when I share that it's amazing the outpouring of sympathy and support I often get. If I mention my older DD's anxiety I tend to get wonderful feedback and support from both people who have anxiety or who have dealt with it in their own children. It's been amazing to my how many people can relate to my challenges in one way or another. And I do think that people feel like they can let their guard down around someone else who isn't trying to sugar coat the parenting experience.

But to make a friend you have to be one. That means reaching out to people. I find that when I try to be uber self sufficient, people are put off by that. If I ask for help or offer to help others, then that's a big first step.

Now really, I am not that good at this LOL!! My natural tendency is to be quiet and reserved and not put myself out there, but I find that tends to be a self-reinforcing, isolating behavior. This is one area that my DH is so good at. He just has no trouble at all putting himself out there and making friends. Wherever we go or move, he always ends up with a large circle of friends and I have trouble.

DebbieJ
02-26-2010, 11:07 AM
As far as "mommy friends" are concerned....I think it's easier to make friends when you have your first. You join a moms group and most of you have infants and are adjusting to motherhood, so you have something in common.

I joined the MOMS Club when I had DS1. They had playgroups arranged by age, and in my playgroup, most of us had just had our first, so we all had something in common and hit it off very well. I didn't make any close friends with those ladies as we were planning on moving out of state, but it was nice to be with a similar group of women.

When I moved and joined a different MOMS Club, DS1 was older and they did not have playgroups by age, so it was really hard to break in. There seemed to be a core group of moms that had nurtured the club from the beginning and they all stuck together. I tried to offer suggestions and even volunteered to help plan the annual banquet and got totally shut out. I barely made any friends in that group and I think some of them didn't like me.

We all have different struggles as moms and I wish we were able to listen and respect each other without getting upset or offended. I'm struggling with that right now--my two best friends IRL don't understand my current struggles with my two DS's and often give me a hard time for not answering my phone so it's kind of a sore spot for me. When I get stressed or depressed, I tend to put up some pretty strong and high boundaries and instead of understanding that, they are getting upset with me. *sigh*

boolady
02-26-2010, 11:58 AM
I am a very guarded person who is not comfortable in large groups of people. I wish I was, because as pps noted, you've got to put yourself out there as friendly. I just have a hard time with it. I have always tended to have a small, tight group of friends rather than a larger group. I am always convinced that I am annoying people or disliked when I'm sure I'm not.

Contrary to a lot of posters' experiences, I actually have an easier time making friends at work than outside of work. I just always feel like an uncomfortable outsider. Luckily, I have a few great friends and my two sisters, who I'm very close with, or I'd be really alone.

ThreeofUs
02-26-2010, 12:28 PM
My whole life, I have felt like I have to be a little "fake," i.e., not really say what I think or feel. My natural inclination is to be VERY honest and up front about everything - very little holding back on anything if you know what I mean - and I have NOT found that this is very well received. Again, the stare/blink reaction. Because of this, I feel like I *have* to be guarded, or else people look at me like I have 5 heads.

I feel like it is very, very rare in life to find friends (or anyone really) where you really "get" the other person, and are "gotten" by them - you know, like when you're out together somewhere at some event or something, and something happens, and you can look across the room at that friend and know that they are thinking the same thing about it, and have the same take on it, and you can crack up together about it later? Very rare...

I go back and forth between thinking this is all part of the human condition - feeling "other" from everyone else - or that it's just me :p .


:yeahthat: I so recognize the "five heads" look. I'm just happy my DH will crack up when I say such things. ;)

Minnifer
02-26-2010, 12:59 PM
As far as "mommy friends" are concerned....I think it's easier to make friends when you have your first. You join a moms group and most of you have infants and are adjusting to motherhood, so you have something in common. Yes, I agree - I had a core group that I hung out with when DD was first born, and it was really fun, b/c we all did have that in common. But now that DD is older, I find that just having a kid isn't enough to hold those friendships together, and most of us have drifted apart. It has turned out that the other moms and I don't have enough in common where we probably would have been friends absent the kids, and it's become much more noticeable now that we're not in the newborn/infant trenches. Has anyone else had this experience? I've also found that the older kids get, the more the various differing parenting styles can add to that feeling that we no longer have much in common (and even seem to cause some tension sometimes)...

And as to this:
I so recognize the "five heads" look. I'm just happy my DH will crack up when I say such things. ;)... this is exactly why I need to get back on my search to find one of these (a DH) - too bad that's been so much harder to find than even friends :p .

Reyadawnbringer
02-26-2010, 01:23 PM
Let's start a club.

Can I be in the club?? :loveeyes:



Me three (four? five???) on the being-very-sarcastic-and-feeling-like-people-don't-get-me thing!!! I *always* feel like I have to tone it down - otherwise I have that experience where I say something that is incredibly witty and insightful (if I do say so myself) and people just stare at me blankly and blink a few times. Drives me nuts!

My whole life, I have felt like I have to be a little "fake," i.e., not really say what I think or feel. My natural inclination is to be VERY honest and up front about everything - very little holding back on anything if you know what I mean - and I have NOT found that this is very well received. Again, the stare/blink reaction. Because of this, I feel like I *have* to be guarded, or else people look at me like I have 5 heads.

I feel like it is very, very rare in life to find friends (or anyone really) where you really "get" the other person, and are "gotten" by them - you know, like when you're out together somewhere at some event or something, and something happens, and you can look across the room at that friend and know that they are thinking the same thing about it, and have the same take on it, and you can crack up together about it later? Very rare...

I go back and forth between thinking this is all part of the human condition - feeling "other" from everyone else - or that it's just me :p .

This is me exactly. Add to that the fact that I have moved around so much in my life and it is VERY difficult for me to find close friends. Any friend I have needs to be an extrovert otherwise I will likely never be friends because I am too introverted to just put myself out there. The one best friend I have right now is so completely extroverted that she scared me at first LOL. Since I am such a introvert it is also HARD for me to even fathom a mom's group. Also, I live in a town where people KNOW I don't fit in. My ideals and views are vastly different and foreign to them. To them, I am just some weird new age-y hippy mama (but I am totally not! thats just the category I get put into).

Anyway, luckily I have been able to keep in touch with my one good friend even though we live so far away. It does get hard though :(

sste
02-26-2010, 02:04 PM
This thread has given me alot to think about! I think part of the surprise for me is that I have at least a half dozen extremely close friends across the country . . . so this local "guardedness" is not my norm.

It is an interesting point about sharing parenting challenges. I haven't had major parenting challenges in a while - - it sounds obnoxious to even write that and obviously DS is only 2 so who knows what will come down the path. We did have a big scare where it seemed like DS was grossly developmentally and physically delayed at 15 mos and everyone around us was very supportive. But seven months later DS, who apparently had an atypical development curve, ended up quite a bit ahead in developmental testing--we were blessed on that one. Other than that, he eats very well and always has from day 1 of nursing, he has always been a good sleeper, he is social and happy, he is at the very low end of tantrum behavior for a two-year old, and easy to redirect from problem behaviors. He is not bullied and not a bully. At two years old, he probably has more natural coping skills than DH and I put together - - always telling himself and others "its alright" or when he wants something he can't get uttering with acceptance and hopefulnes, "tomorrow!" He is fine at the doctor, dentist, with babysitters, with strange people, with strange animals, on vacation, with transitions . . . Nearly every day the daycare people rush over at pick up to tell us what a doll he is. This has zero to do with my "parenting" - - he is just a very easy child of the type who will likely thrive in any situation outside of abuse/neglect. I really don't know how this child emerged from my gene pool.

In addition, my world view of parenting is just very different from many parents - - at least with a child like my DS. I am pretty satisfied with good enough and in general don't think it helps DS particularly to dwell on whether all the people and situations in his environmental are "meeting his needs." I don't want him to grow up with that "the world revolves around me" mindset I see in so many of my grad students and I want him to be adaptable and attuned to others and able to make the best of situation. So, I am very rigorous about finding quality care and school situations for him but then I tend to step back and focus on occasionally modeling coping skills or helping him to see a situation differently (x doesn't want to play with you means it is a chance to make a new friend). Other than we read, play, lots of hugs, and baths . . . mostly fun stuff.

Obviously this may all change and I may be posting here in a year or two with a bigger DS and bigger problems. But for the present, I think some other parents may think I am not being honest about my parenting challenges. My super-mellow DS has not created a great platform for bonding! Really, my greater challenge is parenting my own and DH's "inner child" or whatever it is called these days . . . because DS quite frankly seems to be the absolutely even-keeled and enormously joyful member of this family . . .

ThreeofUs
02-26-2010, 09:57 PM
I think a lot of friendship development is situational. I have *fantastic* friends from college and grad, and then from my working life (b.c., doncha know). I had time to bond with them, share lots of the same experiences, etc. Now, my time is really compromised. I'm still making friends, but the process is slower and interrupted frequently. We need to entertain more, I think, and have families with similar outlooks over more.

And BTW, after reading and thinking about this thread, last night I had awful dreams of social inappropriateness. Saying the wrong thing, blurting out social solecisms - you name it, I did it last night.

Gotta think positive for tonight!

jent
02-26-2010, 11:43 PM
Yes, and the reasoning depends on the situation, though I have to say that it's mainly that I'm a guarded person in general.

At work, I just don't feel comfortable sharing things that feel too personal. I do tell stories about DD, both good and bad. Usually I'll share a story because it's cute, but I'll also tell stories to say "oh, no, DD is not Little Miss Perfect, in fact she threw a tantrum yesterday over X..." . But, I draw the line at discussing in detail things like my conflict with DH over whether we should have more kids. Just not the right topic for the I-have-2-minutes-between-patients chit-chat. I'm in a position of semi-authority-- I'm a doctor in a group practice, employed by the practice, so I am not the boss, but not just one of the staff, either. So my relationships with staff are friendly, but kind of at arms' length. Also, for obvious reasons, I don't discuss that I'm not always happy with this office and thinking of leaving.

The first (and only!) new mom's group I joined did have a vibe of competitiveness/judging, and that's probably the main reason why I stopped going (that and the drive-- it was quite a ways from my house).

Since then, the other moms I've met (through DD's daycare and the classes we've taken) have all been nice and friendly, but I haven't gotten to know them very well. I think the time factor is a big thing. I've known the other daycare parents for a long time, and we're friendly, but we see each other only briefly at pickup/dropoff. We tried to have park playdates over the summer, and did have a few, but it's hard b/c we all work different schedules, and weekends often fill up with other commitments. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't feel the need to be guarded with these people, but things stay at a pretty superficial level. Our conversations do tend to focus on kid-oriented topics, but that's because that's what we have in common, so, what else are we going to talk about?