Would You Be Mad?

[Raidra]

My husband never goes out with friends. Very occasionally he'll go see a movie with another guy who's a movie buff like him. Tonight he wanted to go out for drinks with some guys from work, 'cause one of them is leaving the company.

I am completely exhausted, I got zero sleep last night, and I agreed to stay up until his train would get in at 11:35 so he wouldn't have to walk home in the snow. I tried calling a few times around 11:35 to make sure the train was on time, and he didn't answer. He just called me now (11:45) to say that he won't be on that train and will find another, they're just having a good time. There's one last train for the night, which he would have to be on in 25 minutes (very unlikely), and he wouldn't be able to walk home from where that train gets in, I'd either have to stay up or he'd have to take a cab.

Is it normal for married men to stay out drinking until midnight? I'm really upset and hurt, but can't really tell if it's just that I'm not used to him going out, or if it's pregnancy hormones, or what.

[Naranjadia]

To me it would depend. Are you mad about him staying out late or are you mad about him being inconsiderate about the arrangments you made to stay up for the train?

I would be mad about staying up late in a state of sleep deprivation and then finding out that I didn't need to do it after all because he'll have to cab it.

I wouldn't be mad because he's having a late night with friends - especially since it doesn't sound like a frequent thing. My DH doesn't drink, but he does stay out late with a friend - they go to a late movie so he's around when the kids go to bed and then they usually talk for hours.

[bubbaray]

I wouldn't be mad, but his feet would be pretty frostbitten. Because I would NOT go pick him up.

I wouldn't have agreed to pick him up regardless -- its not like I could leave my kids alone to go to the train.

Have him walk or take a cab home.

[dcmom2b3]

I think that married men do stay out drinking till late hours when it's a special occasion (as this seems to be).

I don't know that I'd be mad. But I would be sleeping, that's for dang sure. Cab, dog sled or on foot, he'd have to get home as best he could.

[Raidra]

I'm mad at both.. that he was inconsiderate, and that he's out late.

He used to go out more frequently before we were married, and it always ended up with me being majorly inconvenienced.. once when I had the flu, he missed all the trains and I had to drive 45 minutes each way, in the middle of the night. Actually, he pretty much always missed his trains and I either had to drive all over to pick him up, or he wouldn't answer his cell and I'd have no idea what was going on. After enough fights (over the consideration issue, mostly), he stopped going out as much.

I'm also ticked off because he's in Boston going to various bars with a bunch of people I've never heard him even talk about. It's not like he's at the movies with his friend that I know. When I go out for fun, it's just a bunch of us moms having dinner, and we're almost always back by 11--and we don't drink really, because we all have to drive. There's no way I'm doing anything inappropriate. I just think that his time for bar hopping is past, I guess.

[jgenie]

DH will occasionally stay out if he has an out of town friend passing through town. I would be mad about asking me to stay up and then not needing me to. He should have called earlier to let you know he was staying out later than planned. As for the picking up from the train, that wouldn't happen here - since DS1 arrived DH is on his own for transportation to and from the train station - I'm not bundling up little ones to save him a cab ride.

[Jo..]

I may have unrealistic expectations, but I would be mad.

Neither DH nor I go out drinking. We put that chapter behind us when we married and had children. Now, we have fun as a couple or as a family.

DH knows that if something special happens at work, he can take that person out to LUNCH to celebrate.

[gatorsmom]

My husband never goes out with friends. Very occasionally he'll go see a movie with another guy who's a movie buff like him.

Is it normal for married men to stay out drinking until midnight? I'm really upset and hurt, but can't really tell if it's just that I'm not used to him going out, or if it's pregnancy hormones, or what.

It sounds to me like he hasn't done this in quite a while and was just missing going out with the boys. I'd say it's not normal for a married man to want to hang out with his single friends on a weekly basis (but that's just not my definition of normal), but it doesn't sound like yours does this. So, I"m guessing he just needed to go out, connect with the guys, and let off a little steam. Just my 2 cents but if I were you, I'd try to be happy for him (but I wouldn't be happy at ALL if he started doing this regularly).

[gatorsmom]

I don't know that I'd be mad. But I would be sleeping, that's for dang sure. Cab, dog sled or on foot, he'd have to get home as best he could.

:yeahthat: He wants to stay out late, he pays the consequences. I'd be snuggling in my bed not worried about him a bit.

[bubbaray]

He used to go out more frequently before we were married, and it always ended up with me being majorly inconvenienced.. once when I had the flu, he missed all the trains and I had to drive 45 minutes each way, in the middle of the night. Actually, he pretty much always missed his trains and I either had to drive all over to pick him up, or he wouldn't answer his cell and I'd have no idea what was going on.


Don't call and don't answer the phone. He made a choice to miss the last train. YOU don't have to make the choice to enable him.

He needs to wear the big boy pants. Or snow boots.

[MontrealMum]

Well, my DH isn't one to go out at night. At all. Not that I'd prevent him from doing it. It's just that he, and his friends, are usually in bed pretty early. They are freaky morning fitness people. I am not.

That said, if he asked ahead of time, or mentioned it a few days in advance, I'd be fine with DH staying out as late as you're mentioning. My rule is that I need to know where he is, and when - ballpark - he's coming home. But I wouldn't pick him up in your situation. No freakin' way I'm waking a kid to bundle him into the car to drive to the Metro. And you have more kids than me.

What I'd be a little ticked about in your situation is the whole last-minute-edness of it all. It leaves you in the lurch, and feeling defensive. But I don't think it's unusual for a guy in his 20s - or a woman for that matter ('cause I think you guys are lots younger than DH and I are) to want to stay out til midnight every now and again. What comes with that is being to make his own way home. That's what cabs are for :) And yeah, I wouldn't answer the phone either. If you're having the weather we are, it's fairly mild there. Let him deal. I hope you're sleeping :)

[Raidra]

Nope, still awake. :(

My parents live downstairs, so I was planning on leaving them with the monitor while I ran out to get him. He obviously didn't make the train home, which means he'll be paying an enormous cab fare.

He doesn't have his keys, and I won't leave the door unlocked while I sleep, so I think that's what's keeping me awake (believe me, I've been trying to sleep) - listening for a knock or the doorbell.

He's really not the type to go out. We've never, ever been to any sort of bar together, apart from while we wait for a table in a restaurant. I guess I'm just wondering what exactly constitutes the 'fun' they're having, since apparently it's worth pissing off his wife, spending a fortune in cab fare, and risking not being able to get into the house. Like I said.. he's out with people he's never mentioned before, too, which makes me curious.

[MontrealMum]

Nope, still awake. :(


Ugh, I'm sorry :hug:

DH did something similar to this quite a few years ago when a friend of his got married. It was the bachelor party and they stayed out until something like 4 am at a variety of stip clubs. Like your DH, mine is not one to stay out past 11, so I was worried. And I was also pretty PO'ed. And this was long enough ago that it wasn't second nature to grab a cell and call.

I totally reamed him out - and we didn't have children at that point! But he's never forgotten it. My advice is to try to relax - hard, I know - but to be very firm when he does get home that this sort of behavior is unacceptable. Not the staying out late or having fun - because that's normal - though unusual for your DH. But the whole unaccountable, last-minute, hanging out with people you don't even know bit. And staying out so late that you inconvenience others or cost your family a pretty penny in cab fare...not acceptable...at all. Honestly, I'd probably let him pay the cab fare. It's an expensive lesson, but sometimes those are the ones that really hit home. Not the concerned wife... :hug:

[gatorsmom]

Nope, still awake. :(

My parents live downstairs, so I was planning on leaving them with the monitor while I ran out to get him. He obviously didn't make the train home, which means he'll be paying an enormous cab fare.

He doesn't have his keys, and I won't leave the door unlocked while I sleep, so I think that's what's keeping me awake (believe me, I've been trying to sleep) - listening for a knock or the doorbell.

He's really not the type to go out. We've never, ever been to any sort of bar together, apart from while we wait for a table in a restaurant. I guess I'm just wondering what exactly constitutes the 'fun' they're having, since apparently it's worth pissing off his wife, spending a fortune in cab fare, and risking not being able to get into the house. Like I said.. he's out with people he's never mentioned before, too, which makes me curious.

Raidra, sooo sorry you are going through this. I take back some of what I said- yes maybe it's normal for him to want to do this occasionally, but I think he's really being inconsiderate in that he doesn't have keys to let himself in, he's not communicating with you or even considering the cost of the cabfare.

If I were you in this situation (and I've done this before before DH started AA), I'd lock the door and go to bed. Why should YOU the pregnant wife, risk your health and sleep when he's being inconsiderate? You did try to help, he can't blame you for that. Now you are tired, and rightly so. Lock the doors and go to sleep. Let him figure out on his own what he's going to do next. Sometimes people need a cold splash of reality to figure out that their actions have consequences. AND when your children wake up on Saturday morning, let them come in and give dad a kiss good morning!!!! If it were me, I'd want to make sure he understood that if he repeats this behavior, it won't be easy. Not easy getting home, not easy getting up in the morning, not easy dealing with the wife or kids. but that's mean-old me!

:hug: Try to get some rest.

[mommy111]

Honestly, the part that I would get mad about is his not calling on time so that you didn't have to leave the house in the cold.
At this point, I'd just lock the door and go to sleep and keep the cell phone by me so that he can call you up when he gets home. If this is not likely to be a repeat performance, then I'd even consider picking him up but he would have to call me when he got to the station, and I'd leave home once I knew he is at the station because I wouldn't want to be waiting in the cold twice while pregnant.

[mommylamb]

I would have no problem with him staying out late. It's not like this is an everyday occation for him. But, I'd be annoyed about the train thing. Then again, if he were coming in at 11:35, I would have told him to get a cab anyway and gone to sleep, and would have been none the wiser if he came home late. In your shoes, I'd be a little irked that he didn't call earlier and tell you not to worry about staying up late, but I wouldn't be very mad. I'd be happy for him that he got a night out with the guys since he doesn't do that often.

[TwinFoxes]

I hope you got some sleep eventually.

The only parts that would bug me were a) making me stay up late and then not telling me he missed his train (I'd be REALLY mad at that, I like my sleep) and b) not having his keys so he'd have to wake me up to get in. If cab fare's an issue, I can see why you would be annoyed at that.

DH rarely goes out. But if a situation occurs where he gets an invite I encourage him to go. I think it's healthy to do things without me and the girls. He's always been like that, perfectly happy to hang with me (we used to go out a lot Pre-kids). I wouldn't care that I didn't know the people, he's an adult and I trust him, not a teenager whose friends I have to meet, ya know? I think everyone deserves a night out.

[Twoboos]

Raidra, I am so sorry. I hope things look better this morning and you got some extra sleep while making you DH get up with the kids - my favorite revenge, LOL.

If this is truly a once off, then I'd be annoyed with the train/picking up. It really ticks me off to be part of DH's plans that are inconsiderate to me.

I have some strong feelings about this, since DH frequently seems to cross this line, and is not safe about it. It makes me feel he does not respect me or my stand on this, or my time for that matter - but there's always a "good reason" that it happened again.

Just watch out if it starts to turn into more often. :hug:

[hillview]

I'd have not agreed to pick him up that late and had him walk or cab it and I'd be asleep when he got home. If it is occasionally it would be fine with me. Since he has a history of missing the train (which I get -- if you are out having fun etc) that seems like something to address -- I'd assume that he would miss the train and make other plans for him getting home so I wouldn't get annoyed.

On a similar situation, DH is ALWAYS late getting home. I have given up thinking about it and I just assume he gets here when he gets here. I do my own thing (dinner, bath etc). It reduces my pissyness and makes it much easier.
/hillary

[mom2binsd]

On occasion my DH has done this...he has a terrible time walking away from a good time with his buddies, I've learned that he's a big boy, he'll take a cab if he's had drinks.

It's annoying when they don't call, let him know you don't appreciate it but I wouldn't let it become a bigger issue.

[hillview]

Just read your update on the second page. He does need to grow up some and BRING HIS OWN KEYS. I was doing that at 12. Also he should have called and that would piss me off. Next time I'd make sure he pretended to be an adult -- make responsible plans for getting home (cab) and take his own key.
/hillary

[JamiMac]

It sounds to me like he hasn't done this in quite a while and was just missing going out with the boys. I'd say it's not normal for a married man to want to hang out with his single friends on a weekly basis (but that's just not my definition of normal), but it doesn't sound like yours does this. So, I"m guessing he just needed to go out, connect with the guys, and let off a little steam. Just my 2 cents but if I were you, I'd try to be happy for him (but I wouldn't be happy at ALL if he started doing this regularly).

:yeahthat: I would not be mad, but I'd make him take a cab!

[kristenk]

I'd be annoyed at the inconsideration, but not at the late night. I sort of think DH's evening last night sounds a lot like his earlier nights out which led to fights, etc. I'm sort of wondering if you wouldn't be as annoyed if he hadn't done similar stuff before. It just seems like a reminder of more difficult times, you know?

If DH stayed out that late one night, I wouldn't be annoyed. I would be incredibly annoyed at HIS night out with the boys (which lasted longer than planned) inconveniencing ME - especially an overtired, pregnant me. That's just not right.

I would expect DH to join the land of the living this morning and perhaps have some quality time with the kids so I could make up some of the sleep I missed out on b/c he couldn't be troubled to answer/use his cell phone or remember to take his keys.

[kijip]

I would be irked about not calling and having to wake up to accommodate him not having his keys but I am not upset by the odd night out here and there. If my husband were going out he would either be back by the time he said or he would just let me know he was not sure when he would be coming back and don't wait up sort of thing. My husband rarely goes out late (usually only for a friend's bachelor party or some of his friend's band I don't like to see). He is reliable and trustworthy and has no issues with alcohol or a history of this causing an issue with us. In your shoes I would be mad. It's not cool that the plan changed, that he has no way home and he does not have his keys.

[kep]

I would have no problem with him staying out late. It's not like this is an everyday occation for him. But, I'd be annoyed about the train thing. Then again, if he were coming in at 11:35, I would have told him to get a cab anyway and gone to sleep, and would have been none the wiser if he came home late. In your shoes, I'd be a little irked that he didn't call earlier and tell you not to worry about staying up late, but I wouldn't be very mad. I'd be happy for him that he got a night out with the guys since he doesn't do that often.



Yes, this. It would be more the lack of communication and planning that would irk me. Certainly nothing to be mad about. Now if he were out drinking every night, that would be a different story.

[pinkmomagain]

I wouldn't be mad about him going out (my dh too doesn't socialize on his too much, so I try to be reasonable when he does). But I wouldn't even put myself out there to go pick him up at the station, let him take a cab or figure out another way home.

[R2sweetboys]

I would have no problem with him staying out late. It's not like this is an everyday occation for him. But, I'd be annoyed about the train thing. Then again, if he were coming in at 11:35, I would have told him to get a cab anyway and gone to sleep, and would have been none the wiser if he came home late. In your shoes, I'd be a little irked that he didn't call earlier and tell you not to worry about staying up late, but I wouldn't be very mad. I'd be happy for him that he got a night out with the guys since he doesn't do that often.

This is exactly how I feel. He doesn't go out often so I don't see it as a big deal.

[mommy111]

I sort of think DH's evening last night sounds a lot like his earlier nights out which led to fights, etc. I'm sort of wondering if you wouldn't be as annoyed if he hadn't done similar stuff before. It just seems like a reminder of more difficult times, you know?


That.
Whether we would be mad or not at this situation is, in my mind, irrelevant. After reading your update, it sounds like you have a hard time dealing with this situation and that he knows this makes you mad and is a sore point. And consideration in marriage involves not doing something that you know is a hot button for your spouse. So I think you have every reason to expect him to manage this better.
I hope you're feeling better now and that DH has sincerely apologized for acting like an irresponsible 10 year old and doing stuff that he KNOWS makes you mad.

[codex57]

If it's occassional, it doesn't hurt. It can even be healthy to blow off steam as long as he doesn't get in trouble or anything. It's similar to your girls' night out thing. One late night isn't gonna hurt.

However, I would not be lifting a finger to help him. He wants that night out, fine. You should get some sleep. He's a big boy. He can take care of himself. If he's dumb enough to forget a key (or not make one; how hard is that?), he can pound on the door until he wakes one of you up to let him in. If a cab fare is super expensive and you guys can't afford it, he can walk. There's always the option of trying to convince a car driving buddy to drive him if he doesn't wanna walk.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I would have no problem with him staying out late. It's not like this is an everyday occation for him. But, I'd be annoyed about the train thing. Then again, if he were coming in at 11:35, I would have told him to get a cab anyway and gone to sleep, and would have been none the wiser if he came home late. In your shoes, I'd be a little irked that he didn't call earlier and tell you not to worry about staying up late, but I wouldn't be very mad. I'd be happy for him that he got a night out with the guys since he doesn't do that often.

I only got this far in reading posts but I completely agree.

Both my dh and I go out and stay out till 12 maybe once/ month or a bit less. I don't know, nothing inappropriate is going on, just hanging out with friends.

I hope all worked out. Don't give him a hard time about going out with friends- focus on him not having his keys and you waiting up for him. Going out with friends till 12 should be allowed, imo, especially if it isn't an all the time thing.

Beth

[infomama]

I wouldn't be mad, but I'd probably make him take a cab if I was totally worn out.

[California]

This is something I had to learn the hard way... those first times when you decided to go rescue him early on in your relationship? Guys learn from that. You were ticked off and you still went and picked him up. I think we get especially steamed as wives when we are resentful. You had certain unspoken expectations he didn't meet. You are resenting that you stayed up late, that he didn't call you, that he's spending money at the bars and on cab fair. Figure out what you are OK with for your own behavior-- not picking him up, not being his key holder, etc., and set those boundaries for yourself. If you get upset, get in a fight, then it blows over and next month you are offering to pick him up at 11:30 p.m., nothing has really changed.

[poppy]

I am very sorry you are going through this. I feel upset for you.

I would be mad regardless if he rarely does this if you are that far along.

I had preterm labor, early morning and if my DH missed it, I'd be pissed.

He should take your condition into consideration. I wish men could get pregnant and if we went out to a club with the girls while they sat home, how'd they feel.

I would not pick him up. Let him face the consequences. Calling isn't that hard given all the technological advances. It's just not acceptable. It's not like he had to find a pay phone.
I would not jump at him as soon as he got in, but maybe in the morning or sometime the next day, explain why you are upset and let him understand how his actions affect the family, esp. given that you are due in April.

[California]

Oh, and to answer your question-- I'd be mad too. Absolutely. What time did he end up getting in? I'm not pregnant and that part about not calling before the train came in, that would have definitely upset me. This isn't something to be blamed on hormones. He was inconsiderate-- and HE KNOWS IT. You did have a plan with him, and just imagine if you'd been waiting for him at the train station. He could have called for sure. Staying out later without making a further plan so that you didn't have to wait up for him-- that was also inconsiderate since he knew he didn't have a key. As far as the drinking/night out part, I think every couple has to decide for themselves what is OK and what is not OK. Some couples are OK with the spouse going out and getting drunk. For others that's absolutely not OK at all. That part I can't weigh in on. But not calling, or following through with what you agreed on, that part I would definitely be upset about too. Hugs to you. At least he rarely does this!

[fivi2]

I wouldn't be mad, but I'd probably make him take a cab if I was totally worn out.

:yeahthat:

dh goes out fairly often, but he is responsible for getting himself home safely.

[brgnmom]

I may have unrealistic expectations, but I would be mad.

Neither DH nor I go out drinking. We put that chapter behind us when we married and had children. Now, we have fun as a couple or as a family.



:yeahthat:

[TwinFoxes]

Some couples are OK with the spouse going out and getting drunk. For others that's absolutely not OK at all.

I don't think OP said that her DH went out and got drunk. Maybe he did, but that wasn't what I was assuming. A lot of mature adults can go out for drinks and not get drunk.

[Raidra]

Thanks for all the support, guys. :)

He got home just a little before 3am, we went to bed without saying a word to each other. To his credit, he did get up with the kids as usual (Saturday is always my day to sleep in, Sunday is his). When I got up at 10:30, I let him have it. I think he got the idea.. I don't get really visibly angry at him that often.. when we have disagreements, we almost always keep cool and discuss things rationally. But I told him that he was a complete a$$hole last night and it was inexcusable. I know it's different for every couple, but for me (us?), it's inappropriate for him to be out so late, regardless of whether it was inconveniencing me or not. He's not in his 20s anymore, you know? After a bit of venting on my part, I just came out and told him I needed 2 things - complete assurance that he was not doing anything other than drinking (he had an emotional infidelity-or-whatever-they-call-it issue ten years ago that still makes me feel insecure) - and a full apology and participation in our day (he was quite sick all day, but that's his own fault). Then we moved on and I tried to be somewhat sympathetic, though with some goodnatured teasing thrown in.

Clearly, he can't handle going out for drinks.. this is the same issue we dealt with several times while we were dating. He gets carried away and acts like a total jerk, and drinks to the point where he has to make the cab driver pull over *twice* in a half hour so he can puke. I thought he had matured, but I guess not. He pretty much agrees, after being sick all day, that he won't be doing that again. It's not like he could spend the day in bed.

My insecurity definitely played a part in me being so angry. I think it's reasonable for him to expect me to deal with those feelings provided he's reasonable about his nights out. I totally would have sucked it up and not said a bad word if he had come home at 11:35, even if he was drunk. But he knows this is difficult for me, and I don't think he should expect me to not mind him staying out until 3am.

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

We both go out on occasion, me more than him actually. DH is a beer salesman, so sometimes he HAS to go out for work, to either hand out schwag or to be a bodyguard to a beer girl. DH stays out late a few times per year, usually I drive him, and he takes a cab or gets a ride home w/a DD. He is pretty good about calling. I never agree to pick him up late. I go out with my mom friends every other month or so late. Last time we went to a drag show at a bar (I was helping DH out for work promoting Pryde Vodka, which he reps) and went to Denny's with friends til 4am! I felt like I was 21 again! I haven't stayed out that late for YEARS, DH was glad I had a night out, and didn't care. Both women are married. To me every now and then you need a night out with the same sex to bond, relate, etc. My GF's are far more likely than DH to get on the dance floor and look foolish with me. :jammin: We never drink enough that we don't function the next day. Neither of us gets more than buzzed.

In your case, I wouldn't go pick him up. I wouldn't be mad at him for having fun and staying out later than he expected, but he chose to stay out late, and he needs to figure out how to get home. If he knows you don't approve of him staying out late, and he did anyway, than he broke trust. It all depends on the boundaries you have in your marriage....

Glad you worked things out. And with the emotional infidelity, I may have felt different, too.