Dinner with BIL you detest...would you go?

[conniez]

BIL just invited DH (and supposedly me) to dinner at a fancy restaurant. He and SIL are both working, so I guess once in a while they dine out at really expensive steakhouses. I don't know how many of you remember, but BIL and I have a history...when I visit MIL (whom he lives with), we basically stay out of each other's way. I don't want to be rude and not go to dinner with him & SIL, but I think DH is asking me to go so it won't just be him.

BIL could care less whether I go or not (he told DH if I don't want to go that he doesn't really care)...plus when the issue of who would watch our girls came up, BIL said "You could leave them here with mom, but I know that "M" wouldn't like that so she can stay her a$$ home ahaha". Would you go knowing it would be really awkward?? BIL's an ass so he wouldn't give a crap if we don't talk, but I know that I don't want to be there. At the same time, I LOVE SIL (she's an absolute sweetheart). DH seems to be oblivious to the fact that I detest his brother because he asked me to go like there is no bad blood there. I don't know what to do.

[Sillygirl]

My question is why your DH is going. If someone spoke like that about me to my DH, brother or not, he would not then turn around and socialize with them. I understand not wanting to cut ties with your blood relatives, but I don't see how your DH can be as oblivious as you say he is. Why isn't he sticking up for you?

[conniez]

My question is why your DH is going. If someone spoke like that about me to my DH, brother or not, he would not then turn around and socialize with them. I understand not wanting to cut ties with your blood relatives, but I don't see how your DH can be as oblivious as you say he is. Why isn't he sticking up for you?

If you knew my BIL talk like that is actually normal, and I'm sure DH either assumes he is joking or just being his usual jerky self. DH didn't tell me any of this...I looked over his shoulder after he told me BIL was asking if we wanted to go to dinner and I saw what they were saying on messenger. It's so hard to explain, but seriously, no one within their family thinks that BIL is a jerk. Kid you not! They all take this as part of his personality because he's always treated everyone like this/talked like this, etc. They also attribute his behavior to the fact that he was the firstborn son (a real biggie in Asian cultures). The sad thing is, BIL is right: I DON'T feel comfortable leaving my girl's at his/MIL's house because of the way they take care of kids. They don't even watch my 2-year old when she's running around.

[malphy]

I wouldn't go. What is the point of going? To make dh happy? He is not showing that he cares about your happiness in this instance. If he wants to go he should go but he should not expect you to go.

I have similar issues with dh and his family. i won't tolerate them but I don't come between him and them, kwim?

[conniez]

I have similar issues with dh and his family. i won't tolerate them but I don't come between him and them, kwim?

I totally know what you mean. I would never ask him to choose between "us" and "them", but I think DH takes after his family when it comes to problems/confrontation. They like to sweep things under the rug and pretend issues don't exist. I guess DH and everyone else in the family assumes that BIL and okay now because what happened was over 10 yrs. ago. I still don't like him because of the way he acts and treats people, and I honestly don't know why someone as nice as my SIL married him.

Trust me, I've asked DH several times why everyone in his family makes excuses for BIL and his bad decisions. He tells me BIL is old enough to make his own decisions even if he doesn't nec. agree with everything BIL does. I respond by telling him that doesn't mean he should condone/excuse things BIL does (like sneaking pot into DH's food). ugh! I often joke to my cousin-in-law I wish I had known then what I do now (that you marry someone's family and NOT just them).

[hillview]

I'd go. I am a family first person, if it is important to DH I'd go. It sounds like it is a once in a while see them situation. Can you and SIL maybe hang at the bar once the guys are seated or maybe the boys could (you could coach DH).

If you end up not going, could you invite SIL to lunch sometime soon?

/hillary

[BabyMine]

Go only if they are paying. Then order tons of food and wine. Drink the wine there. Then have them put the food in a box and take it home. :rotflmao:

I wouldn't go. In fact I know DH wouldn't go.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'd go. I am a family first person, if it is important to DH I'd go. It sounds like it is a once in a while see them situation. Can you and SIL maybe hang at the bar once the guys are seated or maybe the boys could (you could coach DH).

If you end up not going, could you invite SIL to lunch sometime soon?

/hillary

:yeahthat: My thoughts too.
Beth

[TwinFoxes]

I can't imagine my DH asking me to go, but if he did I probably would. I would talk about innocuous things like the weather/sports/American Idol, or make sure I sat next to SIL and really caught up with her...so much so that I didn't have time to talk to BIL. Plus I like eating out. :)

[kristenk]

That sounds like a very unpleasant dinner to me. I wouldn't want to go. I can't imagine that my husband would ask me to go considering the history.

Why don't you see about having lunch or dinner on a different night with your SIL? It sounds as if you don't have reliable childcare for the evening, anyway.

It would be nice to go out to dinner, but I'd much rather go out for an expensive dinner with my husband and leave the ILs at home.

[hillview]

Could your DH suggest a boys night and you and SIL do a girls thing?
:)
/hillary

[HIU8]

No I would not go, but I DESPISE my BIL and know that somehow he would find a way to make us pay for his meal. I do NOTHING with my BIL unless it's a big family gathering in which I have no choice.

[AnnieW625]

I have had issues with my in laws in the past and I always just go even though sometimes it's harder than I'd like it to be. Maybe he is trying to mend a bridge even though he said you didn't have to go. In fact he invited you both he shouldn't take back that invite. Good luck with your decision.

[kijip]

I'd go to dinner with MY BILs that I dislike. But, no, I would not go to dinner with YOUR BIL or with mine if my BIL acted like yours. Family first is great, but it is clear (if I am recalling previous threads correctly) that your BIL doesn't care a lick about you as a family member and that your husband really needs to man up and defend his wife and child.

[maestramommy]

I'd go to dinner with MY BILs that I dislike. But, no, I would not go to dinner with YOUR BIL or with mine if my BIL acted like yours. Family first is great, but it is clear (if I am recalling previous threads correctly) that your BIL doesn't care a lick about you as a family member and that your husband really needs to man up and defend his wife and child.

:yeahthat: I'd call SIL instead to arrange a girls night out or something at another time.

[malphy]

I'd go to dinner with MY BILs that I dislike. But, no, I would not go to dinner with YOUR BIL or with mine if my BIL acted like yours. Family first is great, but it is clear (if I am recalling previous threads correctly) that your BIL doesn't care a lick about you as a family member and that your husband really needs to man up and defend his wife and child.

Very good point!

When does your family, dh, you and dc supersede or at least rate as well as original family? When it was just me and dh i iddn't really care as much but as soon s we had a child we created our own family, kwim? Wwhen does that family staart to take on some importance? Wwhen do you draw the line to stand up for your spouse and child?

[gatorsmom]

In your situation, I wouldn't go because it would only lead to arguments between DH and I later on and make you feel bad. if DH asked me why I didn't want to go, I'd tell him this. If he doesn't want to go, then he shouldn't either. If he does, he's free to, but I won't be coming with. jmho.