irritated with friend...am i justified or overreacting?

[dukie41181]

I have a friend who I went to grad school with and have worked professionally with on and off since then. Since I got married 5 yearsa go she has gotten divorced and is now a single mom to 3 children. She is also in a very messy relationship and has been since before her divorce was final. She was my main support (other than my husband) when I went through infertility and was there for me when my pregnancy began. Since then she has been distant. I probably saw her 3 times during my pregnancy and only once since my daughter was born! Once! She claims she is busy working (which I know to be true) but I am pissed at her beecause she could be in a very. Different work situation if she'd been responsible professionally on the front end (but that's an entirely different story). She chooses to spend all her time with her boyfriend and disregard friendships. What's really hurtful for me right now is that she didn't even acknowledge my daughter's first birthday! She knows how HUGE a deal it is for me and while she was invited to her birthday party (and didn't come because of work) she didn't even call to say happy birthday. Nothing! But she did write a few days laaater asking about how to meet up so she can get something from me se needed for the office. So today she is coming by to grab this item she needs and I find myself passive aggressively slow to be available. I kind of want to say something but don't know if I want to open the conversation or just let the friend ship go. Am I justified to be irritated with this friend or overreacting?

[BabyMine]

Your justified but I don't think it's so black and white. It almost sounds like your friend is a little jealous and sad that her own marriage didn't work out. She spends all her time with her BF becasue she is trying to hold onto this man. Her children remind her of her failed marriage. She called to ask for something from you becasue she truly wants to reconect with you but can't come out and say it so she makes an excuse. She isn't persuing her career becasue she is still down/depressed from her divorce. There isn't any motivation there anymore. This is JMHO.

[dukie41181]

Your justified but I don't think it's so black and white. It almost sounds like your friend is a little jealous and sad that her own marriage didn't work out. She spends all her time with her BF becasue she is trying to hold onto this man. Her children remind her of her failed marriage. She called to ask for something from you becasue she truly wants to reconect with you but can't come out and say it so she makes an excuse. She isn't persuing her career becasue she is still down/depressed from her divorce. There isn't any motivation there anymore. This is JMHO.

For the sake of keeping my original post somewhat short (and because I was typing as I was nursing my daughter) I left some details out. But since its come up now, I will elaborate a bit.

As far as being jealous that her marriage didn't work out, I don't think thats the case. She was very ready to get out of her marriage but I do think she is embarassed a bit about the status of her relationship with her boyfriend. She is trying to hold onto her boyfriend and its a situation where logically she knows she should be getting far far away. This goes back to issues she has had in other relationships. She cannot be alone. She will sit in a dysfunctional, messy relationship just to be able to know that at least she has someone there (even if that someone isn't good for her). Its a problem and she knows it, thus I do think she is embarassed a bit about the relationship. That and she's bad talked him soooooo much to those of us she used to talk to that she feel like she can't talk about it anymore (she has actually admitted this). As far as coming out today, it wasn't out of desire to reconnect but out of need. I had office keys that she needs in order to get in tonight to see a client. If she really wanted to reconnect she would have made an effort before 10am on the day she needs them, kwim? She has had plenty of other opportunities and opted to go skiing with her boyfriend or some other social activity with him. So I don't see this about her wanting to reconnect in any way, shape or form. As far as the career stuff, its mostly because she is wildly disorganized. When we graduate from grad school we do so with a limited license and then need to practice under a fully licensed supervisor for a minimum of time and contact hours (on top of taking a statewide exam) in order to be eligible for the full license. In order to bill insurance companies for sessions, a full license is mandatory. Well, she didn't do what she needed to do in order to obtain her full license and she was practicing in a setting where she billed insurance. Long story short, she eventually had to leave the clinic because none of her sessions were going to be reimbursed and so now she is working a stressful agency job, with long hours and its impacting her. Her career issues are due to her disorganization and irresponsibility. Anyways, she now has done what she needed to do in order to get her full license and is back practicing a bit at the clinic thanks to me. I connected her back with the clinic. I told her LONG before push came ot shove that she needed to be doing something different for licensing and she didn't. I feel like I have helped her out (or triend my darndest) for a while now and its getting very old when the street has become one way. To mucky the waters even more, while I was struggling with infertility she had an unplanned pregnancy and miscarraige with her wonderful boyfriend. It was hard for me to be there, but I was because thats what friends do for each other. I feel like I was always there for her and now, nothing. Thats hurtful!

She has already come to pick up the keys. She was here for about 3 minutes. I wasn't overwhelmingly warm and I think she picked up on it. Back to the passive aggressive thing I don't strive for! I feel like perhaps I could communicate to her better in writing but don't really know if its worth it. We've been through alot together in our friendship and I'd hate to see it all thrown to the wind. Perhaps if I try to communicate to her I could leave it at being hurt that she never acknowledged my daughter's birthday. She never even ASKED about the party. She was here and never even asked how my daughter was! Give me an f'in break!

[kijip]

She is in a dysfunctional relationship and she is embarrassed by it. It is common for people to withdraw (or be forced to withdraw) in these types of situations. She may not be able to be the friend you deserve right now and you need to decide if you will be there when she needs a friend again or not. Either option you take is fine and only you can decide what is best for you.

[sste]

Her behavior seems a little cold . . . whether knowingly or not I can't say.

I tend to think that friendship is a thing that needs to be held very lightly. Our life stages and issues are sometimes in sync with our friends and sometimes not. I like to back off from friendships but still stay in contact - - who knows if a little further down the road she will be in a good place and will be able to be a better friend. As to whether or not to talk to her, I might limit that to I have missed you recently and DD's birthday was just not the same without you, I know you are busy with new BF but can we make plans to catch up just the two of us? See how that goes.

[luza]

What's really hurtful for me right now is that she didn't even acknowledge my daughter's first birthday! She knows how HUGE a deal it is for me and while she was invited to her birthday party (and didn't come because of work) she didn't even call to say happy birthday.

Just curious--does she make a big deal about her own or her kids' birthdays? Some people just aren't into birthdays, and it makes it harder for them to remember and make a fuss about others' celebrations. Don't ask me how I know this.

[JustMe]

! I feel like perhaps I could communicate to her better in writing but don't really know if its worth it. We've been through alot together in our friendship and I'd hate to see it all thrown to the wind. Perhaps if I try to communicate to her I could leave it at being hurt that she never acknowledged my daughter's birthday. !

Yes, I think you are justified, but someone once gave me some advice that may be relevant to this situation. When I was complaining about a friend whose actions I was hurt by, another friend said "You know, sometimes you just have to give people a break. Life can be tough and you don't always know everything that is going on for them". I have used this advice repeatedly.

I think it is worth at least trying to make things better with this friend, given that at least in the past she has been a good friend to you. You say that you don't know if trying to communicate is worth it and in the next sentence point out that you've been through a lot together and would hate to see it all thrown to the wind (which to me means it is worth trying). I think it is a good idea to try to communicate your hurt feelings to her, but I might try to do it in a way that opens up more of a 2 way conversation...meaning, you could just say you want to check in with her about some things and also ask how she is feeling...if she is hurt or struggling with anything between the 2 of you.