My DH not invited to the wedding? Really?

[Canna]

An old High School friend with whom I have kept in touch, but not a super-close friend, really, since Middle School, sent me an invitation to her wedding which arrived today. The outer envelope is addressed to Mrs. Myname Lastname with no mention of DH - and the inner envelope also says Mrs. Myname Lastname! I don't know what to do. Could she really have invited me to the wedding without my husband? Can I contact her and ask about this? I generally feel it's very rude to ask, "Can I bring my kids, my boyfriend, my sister, etc?" BUT I also seem to recall that the rules of etiquette would call for inviting married couples to your wedding together. Oh, the wedding is maybe 5 hours and 3 or 4 states away.

Also possibly relevant - or maybe not - my friend was not born in the U.S (though she mainly grew up here) and her family is from another culture. So maybe I'm having a wedding etiquette miscommunication problem? What would you do???

[Meatball Mommie]

Personally, I'd ask. But that's me - I'm straightforward like that. I'd phrase it as if you were trying to plan travel for the event but weren't sure if hubby was included. Especially since you really do need to travel for the event - maybe make it sound like you and hubby would make a mini vacation/long weekend out of it and were wondering if he should make plans of his own while you go to the wedding?

If he were just your boyfriend, then I'd let it go, but you're married, and in my mind are a package deal.

[mommylamb]

That does seem odd. Does she know you're married? I assume so. I don't know... if I were in your shoes and I didn't feel comfortable enough asking her about the DH issue, I think I'd feel that we weren't close enough to make it worth it to go to the wedding. I say, either ask her or decline.

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

That seems odd to me, too. I would ask...

[♥ms.pacman♥]

i don't know, maybe she didn't know (or wasn't sure) you were married? otherwise i think it's just an oversight on her part (maybe someone else helped her do the invitation addressing and they goofed?) otherwise, it's very rude to not invite someone's spouse, i think that's pretty universal. i don't know of any culture where it's acceptable to invite someone to a wedding w/o their spouse.

in any case, i would just ask. i agree i think it's rude of guests to ask "Can i bring my kid/friend/new boyfriend" to the wedding? but in the case of spouses it's fair game.

[Canna]

She definitely knows I am married. She has met my husband, received holiday cards with pictures of the family, etc. We've been married for 7 years!

[crl]

That's odd. Spouses are definitely supposed to be invited together to weddings. Do you want to go? If not, I'd just decline. If so, I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd hate to ask, but I'd also not likely want to go without my DH. . . .

Catherine

[♥ms.pacman♥]

She definitely knows I am married. She has met my husband, received holiday cards with pictures of the family, etc. We've been married for 7 years!

oh i see..then in that case, giving her the benefit of the doubt i imagine that it must have been an oversight on her part (if it's a wedding for like over 200 people, sometimes doing all the invitation addressing can turn one into a zombie).i would just ask her if your husband is invited as well. IMO that's a more polite/indirect to ask...instead of saying "Can xxx come to the wedding?" you can say is "Is xxx invited too?" that way it doesn't sound like you are "imposing" or asking her a favor, you are merely asking a question..KWIM?

[ett]

That is very odd. I would definitely ask if you are thinking of going. Perhaps it's a cultural thing where they assume if you're invited, then your spouse is also invited.

[codex57]

I'd ask. Nowadays, too many variables. Like, maybe she didn't write out the invitations herself. Didn't know the proper etiquette on how to address, etc.

For our wedding, there were tons of "rules" we had no clue about. I'm sure we broke tons of etiquette rules. Some intentionally, others unintentionally.

[Globetrotter]

Ask her. You could say that you were wondering if dh was invited so you could know whether to make child care arrangements.

Maybe it's a huge wedding (we had almost 500 people - ridiculous, I know, and not my choice!) and she is outsourcing the invites to a relative. Maybe she doesn't know American etiquette or how to address envelopes. is she first generation American? I made a few faux paus at my wedding, but I was young and clueless:ROTFLMAO:

for instance, I sent known couples one invite and assumed they would coordinate. In one case I sent the invite to the guy because he and I were very close (I considered him a younger brother), and his girlfriend was quite upset. That even resulted in our friendship ending, but there was a lot of underlying jealousy on her part because I was so close to him. Under normal circumstances, it didn't matter to other friends, but I knew later that was not the done thing and I wouldn't do it again. But then how do you deal with it? Do you send seperate invites to individuals? I would say X and guest, but I assumed they would be coming together.


Or it could be that she has to invite a lot of people (like my parents did) and she is trying to limit the numbers by not including spouses. I was recently invited to a surprise 50th bday and dh was not. i couldn't care less since two close friends were going to be there for company, but her dh felt terrible and apologized profusely that they had to keep the numbers down to fit (this is true - the room was full!). My two friends' dh's were invited, and that made it more awkward for the host, but the other dh's are much closer to them and even vacation together so it made sense and I completely understood. Sometimes people have to made tough decisions and, after my fiasco of a wedding, i am a lot more understanding :)

In huge weddings, it is not uncommon for everyone to be invited to the wedding but just close family and the couple's friends to be invited to the reception. this is simply to keep it manageable while maintaining social obligations of having to invite so and so because they invited you to the weddings of their three kids (don't get me started on that one :)).

wow, sorry, I really went off on a tangent here!

[Snow mom]

Are you going to travel to the wedding? Will your DH also go if invited? Would you go without him if he truly isn't invited? I find it so strange that it appears he wasn't invited. I thought you had to allow unmarried guests bring a date so not allowing a married guest to bring their husband is uber-strange. I would be pretty straightforward and just ask if your DH is also invited. Like PP, if I didn't feel comfortable asking, I wouldn't make the effort to travel across many state lines to be at the wedding.

[dhano923]

I think she is inviting only you. I'm indian, and I know our wedding etiquette isn't the same as "American" etiquette. Sometimes people will invite a group of old friends, but just the friends, not their dates or spouses. I don't know what ethnicity your friend is, but for us, it's normal to do it that way. Indian weddings are elaborate, but not super formal, if that makes sense.

[viba424]

I would ask because if you dont you'll never know what was up with that.

[bubbaray]

I think she's only inviting you. Clearly, she knows you're married -- plus, she addressed the letter to you in your Mrs. Married name.

Frankly, *I* would not ask. But I also would not attend. I would send my regrets.

Then again, I hate weddings.

[boolady]

I think she's only inviting you. Clearly, she knows you're married -- plus, she addressed the letter to you in your Mrs. Married name.

I agree. Is it possible that it is a financial issue? I wouldn't invite just my married friend, but are they on a tight budget and she didn't want to exclude you, but couldn't afford to invite all of her friends with guests? I know I'm stretching here, but I'm trying to figure this out.

[kijip]

I think that she likely just invited you.

And I think it is rude, unless she somehow knew you would want to come alone and he would not want to come.

I have a rule that I will only travel to the weddings of:

-My brother
-My dad (were he to get married again, he is 67)
-My MIL
-My BIL
-My own sons
-Friends who are close enough to see on Christmas day and call for emergencies in the dead of night.

Everyone else, I might go if it is in town. Or I might not. :p

[neeleymartin]

I think she's only inviting you. Clearly, she knows you're married -- plus, she addressed the letter to you in your Mrs. Married name.

Frankly, *I* would not ask. But I also would not attend. I would send my regrets.

Then again, I hate weddings.

i feel just the same way. easy for me to decline, i hate weddings.

[TwinFoxes]

I thought you had to allow unmarried guests bring a date

Nope...etiquette says the opposite. You don't have to let unmarried guests bring a date, and they shouldn't assume they get to.

As to OP, if I was really unsure, and it was something I wanted to attend, I'd probably ask in common friends what they thought. It could be a misunderstanding (although a weird one). If you don't want to go anyway, send your regrets and a gift if you're so inclined.

[hillview]

I think she's only inviting you. Clearly, she knows you're married -- plus, she addressed the letter to you in your Mrs. Married name.


Agree. I was thinking that maybe she was doing a girl friend table/gathering.

Depending on how much I wanted to go and if other girls I knew would be in same situation, I'd might go.
/hillary

[jacksmomtobe]

I think you ask. Say that you noticed that the invite was only addressed to you so you wanted to confirm that only you were invited. Especially since it is a wedding that is a major trip for you not just an excursion for the evening or afternoon. Overall though I think you don't cut out a spouse. If you need to cut numbers you don't cut a spouse. A better route to go is to not invite you and explain that she is really constrained with numbers. I think you want to invite those closest to you and any spouses/guest that are necessary to make them comfortable and enjoy the wedding.

[Globetrotter]

A better route to go is to not invite you and explain that she is really constrained with numbers.

Really? See, I disagree with that. I think that would have caused more hurt feelings. Maybe I have a different perspective because 75% of my social life involves my girlfriends, rather than couples or family events!

I am curious to know which culture the bride is from, as there are cultural differences, too.

[BabyMine]

If you really wanted to go then I would ask. I you want to skip it I wouldn't say anything. If I have a question about anything I always ask rather than assume. If it is a cultural thing then she will just explain just that but at least you would know.