ugly baby??

[malphy]

I was always a firm believer that there was no such thing as an ugly baby. That is until one was born into my family. And I feel sick, sad and guilty that I feel this way.

The baby is physically unattractive but i figured they would grow out of it. They have not. There is just nothing appealing about the poor child's face. Now that the baby is getting older and getting a personality it has not gotten any better. The baby is not happy and and does not have a great personality.

It is awful, there is nothing about this child that makes me want to hug, cuddle, kiss or fuss over them. I have never felt this way about any child in my entire life. I feel so shallow.

I try to find things that I can compliment the baby on but there is nothing. What is that all about?? I love this family so it is not like I am harboring any ill will. It is getting very uncomfortable for me to even be around them because I feel so bad.

I keep thinking about that seinfeld episode about the ugly baby but I don't think this is funny or nice.

WTF is wrong with me??

Has anybody else encountered a baby that did not bring out the warm fuzzy feelings?

[Raidra]

I totally have. I always feel bad about it, too, but not every baby is adorable. Usually their personality makes up for it, so that's especially tough in your situation. How old is the baby now? Some kids are just funny looking until they get much older (like, upper elementary or even middle/high school).

No advice, really, but you're not the only one who knows a less-than-cute baby. :)

[fortato]

Oh yeah.
No doubt about it. I worked in an infant room in a daycare... and not all of the babies that came through there were cute.

Don't feel bad.

[ThreeofUs]

There are babies out there that just aren't physically attractive. Don't feel too bad about what you're seeing, but maybe you could work on seeing something nice about the child, kwim? You don't want to have to hide any time the kid comes in the room, after all!

;)

[SnuggleBuggles]

I've been there. Try and focus on personality. I bet the little one is beautiful on the inside. :)

Beth

[gatorsmom]

You never know, kids change so much when they were little. I shouldn't post this but when Sisi was born I told DH that she'd better be smart. She was not a cute baby. Bulging eyes, no lashes, yellow from jaundice, double chin (even though she was a skinny baby) and a huge port-wine stain birthmark on her upper lip leading into her nose. But she's really, really changed and she's just a little dolly now. So cute. She looks nothing like she used to.

Just hope for the best when you see the ugly baby next time. :)

[DrSally]

I actually haven't personally met a baby I didn't think is cute, although I haven't know a ton of babies (most of my friends are having babies now). I'm sure they're out there. I agree with focusing on personality. Sometimes there are babies that are cute, but not as cute as others and when I look at them and can see some aspect of their parents (nose, eyes, etc.), I can see how they will grow to look like their parent (who looks great). Sometimes I think certain features translate better into a more grow up face than a baby face, KWIM?

[JBaxter]

Oh yes I have seen some very unattractive babies. I hope they grow out of it or they get really smart.

[Snow mom]

I don't think you have to think every baby is cute. Just be smart enough to not say you think the baby is ugly to the parents ;). Personally, I see a lot of variation in how attractive different babies are and I generally won't talk about how cute a baby is unless that is how I truly feel. Luckily other people seem to dole out the cute baby complements more easily than I do. I've seen so many comments about how adorable some very not cute babies are on facebook. I just stick with "congratulations". We realize physical beauty isn't the end all be all in adults, so why does everyone talk about baby looks?

[LexyLou]

Yes. Just like adults, not all babies are cute.

But I'll say this. My first born was not a cute baby. Really, she wasn't. But now at 4 she's blossoming into a beautiful little girl.

I've always said, I'd rather have/be an ugly/ok looking kid and then blossom during puberty vs the other way around.

I had a friend growing up who was an amazingly beautiful child. I'm talking breath taking. Then she hit puberty...eeek.

[megs4413]

i have to say this thread makes me sad. :( the idea that you're struggling to be around the child because it's unattractive just really bugs me. my son was born with a severe cleft lip and palate. i'm sure most people found him terribly unattractive...i hate to think they were uncomfortable around him because of it. it had never occurred to me that a grown-up would think that way. :(

[KpbS]

You know, I've seen kids who are not attractive young children really grow into their looks and develop fun personalities. All hope isn't lost :) Looks aren't everything.

[malphy]

i have to say this thread makes me sad. :( the idea that you're struggling to be around the child because it's unattractive just really bugs me. my son was born with a severe cleft lip and palate. i'm sure most people found him terribly unattractive...i hate to think they were uncomfortable around him because of it. it had never occurred to me that a grown-up would think that way. :(

I have a friend who's son had a very bad cleft lip and yet I did not consider him ugly. There was still something about him that was cute.

I have been trying to find ANYTHING about this child that I could grab onto and yet I cant. There isn't anything at all that is endearing about this child.

I guess that is why I am so freaked out over this. I can't believe that I cannot find a single thing to be positive about. I keep waiting for something to pop up as the child gets older but no luck. I wont give up but I just can't understand why this should be so difficult.

[sheleo]

When I've seen a baby that is not what most would consider beautiful/cute (and beauty is in the eye of the beholder), that same unattractiveness made them cute. Kinda like he's so ugly he's cute. Weird, huh? Look into his/her little eyes, you'll find something that will call out to you.

[baymom]

I definitely have! Don't feel bad about thinking that way! But, it wouldn't hurt to 'fake' it around the parents/extended family..... :-)

[Karinyc]

You know, it's not the cute/not cute part that bothers me when I meet/see a child. It's more the "endearing" part that I find disconcerting. I've met many "unattractive" children who are lovable & endearing. I've also met "beautiful" children that I did not find endearing. It's tough. I just think that like adults, you're not going to connect or like everyone. It's difficult and makes for awkward situations, but I wouldn't harp on it. Your opinion may change over time. Don't feel guilty about how you feel.

[malphy]

Thank you eveerybody, for your replies. They are helpful!

I will keep looking for that special something in this child, it is in there soemwhere.

[lchang25000]

Oh yes I have seen some very unattractive babies. I hope they grow out of it or they get really smart.

:yeahthat: Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder though.

[bubbaray]

See, I think all babies look like Yoda.

I dunno, just not a "all babies are sooooo cute" kinda person. I do fake it though. LOL.

[Globetrotter]

Personally, i think a lot of newborns aren't very attractive, but they grow into their features after a few weeks.


Originally Posted by megs4413 http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/images/buttons2/viewpost.gif (http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=2646855#post2646855)
i have to say this thread makes me sad. :( the idea that you're struggling to be around the child because it's unattractive just really bugs me. my son was born with a severe cleft lip and palate. i'm sure most people found him terribly unattractive...i hate to think they were uncomfortable around him because of it. it had never occurred to me that a grown-up would think that way. :(


:grouphug: See, I think he's adorable. My close friend has a child who has a severe cleft and other facial differences that have not been corrected, but I think she is beautiful. She happens to be a lovely child inside, and that helps, but even otherwise, when i see her I truly see a beautiful girl. I agree with PP who said an endearing quality makes all the difference. People I like become more attractive to me, and vice versa.

To the OP, you are brave to admit this, but I think it's true that some babies just aren't all that cute. I hope you are able to get over that, though, as it would be sad to miss out on that interaction :(

[elektra]

One of my nieces falls into this category, IMO. I would just try not to think so much about it or feel so guilty. In my case, I haven't given it a ton of thought, I guess I probably figured that she will eventually grow into her face or will have an adorable personality, or whatever. Give yourself a break. :)

[MamaSnoo]

DD has an "ugly baby" in her class at daycare. Actually 2, IMO. Both started in the center around age 4 mos, and were really not cute. Even DH commented to me after a pickup. I never really connected to these babies as infants (like I did with a couple of the others); I do not think it related to their appearance. But the most touching thing was to see the parents (all of them lovely people--inside, I mean, not a pun) overflowing with love for those girls. I just focused on the beautiful quality of the family relationships.

So, if you need to say something to your family with the "ugly baby," maybe pass on a compliment on their parenting/family relationship? That goes a long ways to help a newer mom feel good. To me, those kinds of comments picked me up more than any comment about DDs appearance.

FWIW, Now at close to 2, both the "ugly babies" are becoming pretty little girls.

[awoodm]

i have to say this thread makes me sad. :( the idea that you're struggling to be around the child because it's unattractive just really bugs me. my son was born with a severe cleft lip and palate. i'm sure most people found him terribly unattractive...i hate to think they were uncomfortable around him because of it. it had never occurred to me that a grown-up would think that way. :(

Just wanted to say that my DS1 was born with a cleft lip and palate as well, and I think he is just the cutest thing on the planet! I love looking at all his newborn baby pictures and remembering him that way! I may be weird or partial, but I think cleft babies are beautiful. I have a very special place in my heart for all of them. :heartbeat:

To the OP, I can understand where you are coming from also, and I've had the same thoughts. I think it just comes from the assumption that everyone has that babies are all cute. Of course they aren't. You can not like babies for the same reasons you don't like adults. Don't feel guilty- that will just make it harder on your relationship with the family.

[Melaine]

You know, I've tried to be careful not to compliment children too much on appearances, because I have realized HOW much we do that without even thinking about it. It's like children grow up thinking that that is what matters. It is difficult, because when they are little, they haven't developed virtues to compliment and their personalities are still growing. But, rather than use the term "cute", I try to remember to say "precious". I know it's technically just semantics, and maybe I'm the only one who notices, but every child is so precious, you know? That word just means, to me, that each one is special and valuable in the sight of God, and so loved by Him.

My babies were beautiful, I'm not going to lie, but their "personalities" were, I'm sure, a big turn-off (sometimes even to DH and me). They cried almost constantly, hated strangers, and were often impossible to comfort. But that didn't change that they were so precious and loved.

If you feel close to the family and love them, then I would encourage you to tell this baby that you love him/her, because you do. Love is a choice and it's not all about feelings. Don't feel like you have to use terms like "cute" if it isn't true, but the love thing is true because you can make it true.

[hellokitty]

OP, don't feel bad. I have had those feelings too. I think that all babies are cute in the way they act, but some babies do look a little odd. Sometimes, they have a particular facial feature that really sticks out, but like others have said, it's not uncommon for those babies to totally change in the way they look as they grow up. Also, I think that sometimes ppl's idea of what is cute/beautiful about a baby differs. Like, I can't get enough of babies that have TONS of hair. All of mine had tons of hair and so I think that's cute and when I see other young babies with a big mop of hair, I just think it's adorable.

FWIW, I thought that one of my babies was ugly. DS1 was always cute, he was a petite, very smiley baby with lots of personality. Ppl always commented to me about how cute he was. DS2... well this sounds awful, but during the first few months of his life, the big joke in our family was that he looked like Kim Il Jung! I kid you not, this kid looked JUST like KIJ, and worse yet, he was an ANGRY baby. He did not like to smile, he was fussy, he didn't have the kind of flirty personality that a lot of, "cute" babies have, he was just kind of a pissed off baby. I had to wear him ALL.OF.THE.TIME, b/c he was so high maint. The only thing he had going for him was his hair. Straight up spike, ppl could not resist to come over to touch his hair. They never said, "what a beautiful baby," but ppl would say, "I love his crazy hair!" That's ok. What is funny is that if any of my children would become a model, it would be DS2. He has grown into a very attractive little boy. If we go anywhere with little girls btwn the ages of 6-8, he gets sooo much attn from them. I have this B&W photo of him when he was about 3 wearing jeans (no shirt), not smiling and he looks like a little Calvin Klein model, lol. DS3 was born with these adorable bull dog cheeks (as soon as he was born, the doctor and nurses kept commenting on his cheeks). DS3 is not only cute looking, BUT he is a total ham. Ppl just eat him up, b/c his personality is so great, even if he is feeling fussy, if someone smiles at him, he will smile back and coo at them. So, of course, a lot of ppl tell me about how cute and beautiful he is. I wonder what he will look like when he is older. So far, he is looking like DS2, but he skipped the KIJ phase all together (lol). I actually feel kind of bad for DS1, b/c I think that his two younger brothers will end up with more of the good looks, but most definitely DS1 makes up for it with his personality and brains.

We all have our strong and weak points. It's like how there's always been that long running joke about the girls who go to U of Michigan vs. the ones that go to Michigan State... and even my brother (U of M alum) admits that it's true (fwiw, he married a fellow UofMer).

[sste]

I tend to think there is something about this child that is non-interactive - - I don't think its just the physical appearance. I observed this during DS's babyhood. DS was a beautiful infant and baby - - really striking and it kind of shocked DH and I and we spent months peering in the mirror trying to figure out if either of US was that good-looking to explain this! He was also very social and affectionate. Our close friends had a baby that was not so cute BUT really the thing was that that baby did not interact, did not engage you, really he just sat there in a fog of his own interrupted only by crying for things.

Anyway, the thing I noticed was that the difference between the two babies only became worse over time, even though the other baby physically became more attractive. And part of it was that people would literally rush up to DS right past our friend's baby and google at him and interact with him. And so DS became even more sociable. And the other baby just sat there.

The fact that you have posted this gives me no worries that you are the type to make yourself go through the motions with this baby. And I think that is fine (and from my experience more than most do).

[khalloc]

I met a baby once that had a huge honking nose. I've never seen a nose like that on a child. I thought noses got like that later in life. His mother had the same nose.

I only met the baby at my mom's friend's house so I didnt know him enough to say whether or not his personality made up for it. But I did not think he was cute at all.

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

My Kate was not a very cute baby. But that can change!


http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a96/goodtastenomoney/bday%20baptism/NicksKatesFun011.jpg

http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a96/goodtastenomoney/bday%20baptism/IMG_6597.jpg

[Ceepa]

Susan, that girl is adorable.

OP, don't feel bad. I've had similar thoughts.

[arivecchi]

I personally think most babies are not cute until they are about 5-6 months old. I know a lot of babies who aren't cute (my two boys have gone through some ugly phases - that's for sure ;)), but that does not prevent me from bonding with them or finding other qualities that are endearing. Do you think there is something esle going on here? An old conflict with the parents perhaps?

[crl]

We adopted DS from China, and (sshh) I was actually hoping for "ugly" referral pictures. I've seen one set where the baby looked just like Winston Churchill. I think they are hilarious and somehow actually really cute. (un)Fortunately we got really cute referral pics.

I agree with others that often not-so-cute babies turn out to be beautiful adults.

I don't think feeling guilty about your lack of connection to this child will help anything. I like the suggestion of focusing on the family relationships, especially since you like the family.

Catherine

[ThreeofUs]

i have to say this thread makes me sad. :( the idea that you're struggling to be around the child because it's unattractive just really bugs me. my son was born with a severe cleft lip and palate. i'm sure most people found him terribly unattractive...i hate to think they were uncomfortable around him because of it. it had never occurred to me that a grown-up would think that way. :(


:hug: Megs. When I come to think about it, I've never seen a baby with a cleft lip (and I've seen many more than most people) who I thought was unattractive. Hurting, yes, and needing help, certainly, but such a thing never in any way made me or anyone I knew uncomfortable. :hug:

I have a friend, though, who is a photographer. She had a baby like Lisa describes the was Sissy first looked - long and thin, double chin, grown-up features on a baby face. She loves that baby (who's now 12) SO MUCH, but was just distraught that her baby just did.not.photograph.well. At all. All that changed later, but at the time, as friends we had to support her as she struggled with her baby's singular appearance. Sometimes babies just don't look cute, even to their parents.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

i wouldn't feel too bad..i admit not all babies i see are cute. most are yes but there are maybe 10% or so that look ugly or odd/strange to me.

also, i realize that while i think he is absolutely adorable, not everyone will think my DS is cute. who cares though, i'm not going to stress myself over it. 'm sure every mother thinks their own child is the most beautiful baby and that is what matters.

[codex57]

I think most babies aren't that cute. I rely on personality, but I'm ok if their personality isn't that great. It's just like with adults. Cept babies can change looks and personality dramatically so I don't stress much and just hope for the best.

Shoot, my DD isn't too cute IMO. Frowns a lot too. Cept she's finally smiling now and the features are softening. I'm crossing my fingers. I hope she gets cuter than her bro cuz he's pretty cute and it would suck to be uglier than your brother.

[emily_gracesmama]

Katie was huge with a huge red as in flushed head and then she got horrible baby acne, I said she'd better be smart too, except a few mths go by and she's suddenly an adorable ringer for her older sister. Personality then wasn't much to be desired since she slept rotten and now she's a clown and so damn funny, they change so quick and I bet if you spent more time around the baby you'd see the cute and fun, do you think you are shying away from spending time because of the feelings, you may not be giving yourself time to see the special parts of this child!

[mommy111]

A big yeah that to what Jen said right before me...a lot of kids have physical features that are not necessarily proportional or 'pretty' (most kids look like little reptiles with their large heads and little bodies) but I have never seen a baby that I did not think was cute and precious. OP, the little one that you are talking about is a gift from God to humanity, is a joy to her parents and could be an Einstein when she grows up, I would focus on that rather than the double chin and I'm sure you'll learn to like her. Plus kids tend to start out very inwardly focussed and suddenly blossom when they learn to interact with the outside world.
And Susan, Kate is absolutely adorable and was a cutie pie of a baby. Megs, Prince Charming has been just that all along, I look at that photo of him that you have in your avatar and feel like giving him a hug every time, and Lisa, you had better delete that comment about Sissy before she gets old enough to google her mom's posts ;) Just sayin'

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2sHZnMsc6M

Am I the only one thinking of Seinfeld????

[Jo..]

I was so disappointed when DD was born. I thought she was SO ugly.

DS was a physically gorgeous little creature, and I was expecting her to look exactly like him. I was so shocked when she did not.

DS, however, has a very needy temperament, while DD is happy go lucky and clean and helpful and just SO sweet. She is growing into her looks.

I hope your relative does, too.


ETA: Megs, I have always thought that JJ was BEAUTIFUL!!!

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

I was a cute baby, but my cousin said at first I looked like Alfred Hitchcock....

[viba424]

All babies are cute. Some are just cuter than others.