Would you hesitate to have a male friend babysit for your DD?

[citymama]

OK, here's paranoid mommy seeking advice. I know I would shake my head if I read that subject line but here I am posting it myself. DH and I really want to go to a concert this week but our regular babysitter can't make it. Our relatives who usually help with babysitting are tied up that night too. We have a guy friend whose son is the same age as DD (they adore each other) who has asked us to watch his son in the past. (He is a divorced, single dad - we've known him a long time.) He is willing to watch DD for us along with his son tomorrow.

Initially I was thrilled - great babysitting swap. However, I'm now having second thoughts. There is absolutely no reason why, other than the fact that a) he's a guy and there's no mom around and b) it's going to be quite late at night, after his kid is asleep. (The show starts at 8 on a weeknight which is his son's bedtime - DD is not likely to go to sleep at someone else's home.) I worry that DD will be upset once her buddy is asleep and she's at someone else's home without mom and dad.

On a rational level, there are absolutely no grounds for me to worry. He is a great dad and a good friend of ours. I feel awful to be second-guessing this! And if I decide to cancel, I am not sure how to explain it to DH, who thinks I am absolutely nuts to worry about this at all.

WWYD? I'm a total paranoid nut, aren't I?

[Kestrel]

Yes, you're a total paranoid nut.


So am I. I think it goes along with being a new mom. :)


However, it doesn't mean you're wrong. If you "have a bad feeling", listen to it, and make other arrangements. Most likely, you'd worry while you were out, anyway, and not have a good time. However, if you just think that you should be worried, but aren't... go for it. Listen to yourself.

Perhaps you would feel better if he could watch the kids at your house? Then, your DD would be in a familiar place, even if you weren't there... and his DS would be OK because his dad is there? (You could sweeten the deal by offering to make dinner for all... both single dads I know would do nearly anything for free homemade food.)

Good luck!

[kijip]

I would not hesitate to have a good, close male friend watch my children. I do hesitate to have anyone watch my children who I don't trust.

[Globetrotter]

That's a hard one. I have left both my kids with my BF's husband when his wife is not around. They are family to us and I trust them completely. Their dd is my dd's BF, so they are joined at the hip when they are together. I just have a good sense about him, and I am usually very cautious about these things. I've also left them with my cousin and a couple of other close friends, but in all these cases my dd has close friends her age to play with, so they are never alone with the guy. I also talk a lot about inappropriate touch, though I know that's not always enough.

In your case, I would be a little concerned that they would be alone for some time after the little boy went to sleep. Chances are that absolutely nothing will happen and it would work out fine, but you have to ask yourself what is your gut instinct. Would you be worried all night? Is it worth it?

It's really a shame that it comes to this :(

[citymama]

It's really a shame that it comes to this :(

Tell me about it. I am ashamed of myself for even asking this question. I keep thinking, my god, would someone else second-guess my DH watching their DD? Yikes, how awful to even think of that happening for an instant!

The more I think about it, the more I think: of course I trust our friend. I wouldn't even be leaving DD with him for an instant if I didn't. I think the factor making me less comfortable is DD being awake for hours after his son is asleep - her comfort level, not her safety. Is she going to get antsy at another home without her parents when she is sleepy but not asleep, and doesn't have a playmate around? She is at heart a girl's girl - loves being with women of all ages, but generally more cautious around men. She knows our friend well, but still asks where the boy's mama is and says she misses her.

[maestramommy]

If the only reason you're worried is because there's no mom around, then yeah that's not rational. If you think your dd isn't going to sleep in someone else's house, then it doesn't matter whether your sitter is a guy or not, right?

[egoldber]

I would not hesitate to have a good, close male friend watch my children.

:yeahthat:

[infomama]

I would not hesitate to have a good, close male friend watch my children. I do hesitate to have anyone watch my children who I don't trust.
:yeahthat:. One of dd1s best friends Dad is a widower and I can't imagine not letting her spend time over there.

[SnuggleBuggles]

No, it would not be an issue for me. My BIL frequently babysits for us and does a fantastic job, better than the teenage girl neighbor.

Beth

[Momof3Labs]

10 years ago I would have agreed with these posts.

Growing up, my parents had good friends who were our guardians should something happen to mom and dad. Both teachers, good people.

Fast forward 20 years, the husband now has a conviction for child molestation. I still struggle to process it when I think about it. We know some of the details from newspaper reports online.

And my DH has a close family member who is a child molester (he didn't tell me for a long time - fortunately we never had them babysit the kids). It's coming out that he may have multiple victims in the family, instead of just the one we knew about.

So, based on my experience, I would also hesitate to leave my kids with a male friend or relative.

[TamiRuns]

I have let one of our best male friends watch my boys and had no reservations whatsoever. We literally have only a handful of people/family we trust with our boys and this "uncle" (who dh has known ~20 years) is one of them. You have to do what you feel comfortable with. If you aren't going to enjoy yourself because you're worried all evening, I'd probably not go.

Let us know what you decide...

[hellokitty]

I understand your dilemma. And I don't fault you for it. I know so many ppl, including my own family who have had close male relatives that they thought that they could trust and then yrs later it came out that they had molested (or tried to molest) a child (boy or girl). It's a very hard decision, esp if you have read that book, "Protecting the Gift." I have no advice for you, but just wanted to say that I can understand why this would be a difficult decision for you and I don't think you are being paranoid. If I had daughters, I would be extra paranoid about situations like this. It's like your brain vs. your heart.

[poppy]

It's probably fine and if you've known and trusted him...

I personally don't like the idea of males watching my DC (though women molest also) b/c I'm not comfortable. As a former prosecutor, I've had cases where children were raped and/or sodomized, and victim's family shaking their heads saying it was someone they trusted or knew forever. It's really your call but I would never ignore that voice in my head, if I'm not comfortable, no matter how great the person appears or has been. I'd rather be a paranoid nut than have something happen.

[srhs]

On a case by case basis, I would be comfortable with male adult friends as sitters for my boys--mostly DHs of DFs come to mind.
I know this is not what you were asking, but I would not be comfortable with male adolescents.

eta--Potty trained or in dipes would affect my comfort level too.

[hillview]

I wouldn't hesitate to have a male friend watch a DD (I have DSs) if it was someone I trusted etc. That said if you have a nagging feeling about this person I'd give it a skip. Also if the issue is not that he is a guy but that the situation wouldn't work for DD then skip. Finally, you are the momme and if you are not comfortable that is also fine. Maybe a stay there not over night would be easier to start from? You get to decide :)
/hillary

[StantonHyde]

One of our best high school sitters growing up was a neighbor guy. He played with us. He was fun. My mom asked me years later if anything ever happened because someone had just made a comment about how her grandchildren would NEVER have a male sitter. I was happy to let my mom know that her gut was right--Scott was a great sitter.

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

I would not hesitate to have a good, close male friend watch my children. I do hesitate to have anyone watch my children who I don't trust.

:yeahthat:

[klwa]

I go with paranoid nut.

I'd say it should be fine if you trust him.

[MoJo]

One of my best friends is a guy. I trust him with my life, and I wouldn't hesitate to trust him with my daughter's. (She will be going to his house if I need to go to the hospital before my mom can get here when DD#2 arrives.)

On the other hand, my mom suggested my brother could move in with me to watch the girls so I could continue to work if my DH goes into the military. I hesitate A LOT on that one. I'd let him come help with the house. . . but I don't want to leave him alone with the kids.

Depends on the guy!

[smiles33]

I am always the paranoid nut (one friend says I'm the most paranoid person she has ever met), so I'm glad to see I'm not the only one. :jammin:

But seriously, even if it's an unreasonable fear, your peace of mind is important. I would not leave my DDs alone with any man other than DH, their 2 grandfathers, and my brother. In fact, I have not left either DD alone with anyone other than family, male or female. They both go to daycare centers with multiple teachers (min. 4 at all times, 1-3 in the infant room, 1-6 in her preschool). I am that paranoid.

[kransden]

Since it is not child molestation you seemed to be worried about, but comfort of your dd. How about a special movie they can watch after the son goes to sleep. My dd would bring a special blanket and stuffed animal then fall asleep on the couch.

[crl]

I don't think you are awful. And I am paranoid about all sorts of things (plastics, car seats, etc) so I'm not going to throw stones.

That said. We've had a male babysitter for DS. And DH used to do criminal defense work, including defending child molestors. So we're very aware of these issues. Ours was an aid at DS' preschool. We know the background checks, etc that take place for employees there so we felt comfortable using him. And my brother and I had a male babysitter when we were kids. We were on the old side to have sitters, but mom didn't want to leave us alone at night so she hired an Air Force Academy Cadet. He made me brush my teeth before bed, but other than that he was great.

Catherine

[PAfirsttimemom]

Since it is not child molestation you seemed to be worried about, but comfort of your dd. How about a special movie they can watch after the son goes to sleep. My dd would bring a special blanket and stuffed animal then fall asleep on the couch.

This sounds like a perfect idea.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Ever since the 8yo boy next door (moved last year) told us about how his single father was doing stuff to him on his weekend visits, we're paranoid about ALL such things. It doesn't seem right to hold those prejudices, but we have several situations, plus the real-life, recent story from the kid himself. Is there no other mom to trade babysitting after-hours with?

[kijip]

Ever since the 8yo boy next door (moved last year) told us about how his single father was doing stuff to him on his weekend visits, we're paranoid about ALL such things.

That is not shocking. Most childhood sexual abuse is perpetrated by family members, often fathers.

[ChristinaLucia]

I don't think your paranoid. I wouldn't do it. For me, it's not worth the stress. I wouldn't enjoy my evening because I would be worried.

Good luck with your decision. Totally not easy.

[Jo..]

Yeah. I think for the most part chances are you'd be fine. But WHO wants to take chances with THEIR children? No one.

Statistically, child molesters are almost always male.

It sucks, sucks sucks that this is something to consider. Even the most friendly kindly men are suspect in my eyes. It breaks my heart, but I'd rather err on the side of being a paranoid freak than to put my children in harm's way.

[srhs]

Statistically, child molesters are almost always male.

It sucks, sucks sucks that this is something to consider. Even the most friendly kindly men are suspect in my eyes. It breaks my heart, but I'd rather err on the side of being a paranoid freak than to put my children in harm's way.
This is why my church doesn't allow men to change diapers or assist in the bathroom in the children's education programs. (There are facilities to change their own children in the men's room.) It's kind of controversial, but this one rule significantly cuts down on the likelihood of a perpetrator joining our church and applying to be a teacher just to get access to our LOs.
(This is not our only safety policy of course, just 1 that applies here.)

[citymama]

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies - basically, each response mirrors something going through my head!

So we didn't do it. I figured I wouldn't be able to enjoy the concert if I was worrying about DD's comfort.

Yes, in this case, the most important part of my hesitation was DD's comfort - in a situation where the kids were spending 4-6 pm together, I wouldn't think twice, but late in the evening with a not-so-familiar caregiver and no buddy made me uncomfortable.

I think the post that closest echoes my feelings about the question in my subject line is the PP who said "it depends on the guy." So true. We love this friend dearly, but he is not the most on-the-ball caregiver in some ways. He's the dad reading the newspaper at the playground while his kid grabs a one-year old's toys; he's the guy who is so daunted by PTing that his 4 yr old is still in diapers. He is a very loving and devoted dad, but I think probably flaky enough that we will not tap him as a babysitter except if it's at our home while the kids are playing or something. Oh, and wonder of wonders, DH agreed with me on this one!

WtG and others - those are heartbreaking stories about child abuse. Yes, it's true that some of those in most trusted positions around kids (family members, clergy, etc) are responsible for perpetrating abuse. :(

[gatorsmom]

WWYD? I'm a total paranoid nut, aren't I?

Well, if you are, so am I. Can you ever really know someone? And the stats say, IIRC, one in four women will be sexually attacked/molested at some point in their lives. And I personally couldn't have fun at a concert wondering the whole time if I'd made a mistake leaving my DD. So, to answer your question, I'd offer the ticket to DH and his friend and stay home with DD myself, probably.

But that's me.

[momof2girls]

Yeah. I think for the most part chances are you'd be fine. But WHO wants to take chances with THEIR children? No one.

It sucks, sucks sucks that this is something to consider. Even the most friendly kindly men are suspect in my eyes. It breaks my heart, but I'd rather err on the side of being a paranoid freak than to put my children in harm's way.

:yeahthat:

I would go with your gut instinct. Do you think you would be able to truly enjoy your night out anyway if you are worried?

[bubbaray]

So, based on my experience, I would also hesitate to leave my kids with a male friend or relative.


:yeahthat:

[mommysammi]

Count me in as a paranoid nut too then. I will never leave my children with a male except DH until I know my children are old enough to protect themselves from harm and can tell me about it. I'd rather be safe than sorry.

[MamaMolly]

Though I know the initial issue is resolved for the OP, I just wanted to chime in and say I appreciate this thread. It has made me sit here and think if we have any male friends I'd be comfortable leaving DD with. I think part of the issue for me is that we aren't really close to the guys in our couple/parent friends.

So then I thought about relatives, and sad to say that is a very small list. The message I'm taking from it is to trust your guts!

Good thread!