lmh2402
03-17-2010, 01:57 PM
first, i want to say a huge thank you to everyone on this board - someone in my previous thread mentioned that they hoped i took all the feedback in a way that felt supportive, and not like it was demonizing my DH. the answer to that is YES, getting all your responses and suggestions is probably the only thing that kept me from bawling at work yesterday. and/or trying to stuff DH into the dishwasher last night. kidding...sort of.
i don't feel like i can talk to my family or friends IRL b/c i don't want them to hate him. and there have been things that i've told them before, that have caused lots of issues...
to answer as many of the questions that you all asked, i'll try to see if i can remember...i certainly won't be in order
DH is 38, soon to be 39
the positive qualities that make me love him:
- 99% of the time, he is extremely upbeat and positive...i am much more of a cynic and have battled depression for as long as i can remember. his positive attitude and perspective is a very calming force for me.
- he is very easy going. which, is a blessing and a curse, actually.
- he tries to be thoughtful in interesting ways. like signing me up for a class he thinks i might like...or talking the dog for a walk at night and bringing me back a milkshake
- he has really made huge strides in the sharing of household responsibilities. given where he came from...and what his norm was. the fact that i NEVER clean the kitchen after dinner, to me is a sign that he tries. he will fold laundry. he will take out garbage. he'll get on his hands and knees and clean the bathroom on the weeks if/when our cleaning woman has been sick or weather has prevented her from coming, etc
also...DH is way quicker to apologize than i am. pretty much always. i struggle with grudges
so these are a few things i know and love about him
OH...and he adores DS. he has rearranged his work schedule so he goes in little later...b/c he never gets home in time before bed. he takes DS right after his morning nursing. he plays with him, prepares his breakfast, feeds him and puts him in for his first nap. he lights up at the sight of him. he spends absurd amounts of time videotaping him and taking pictures. he's super in love with him. and i love that.
that said, he has done some things in our marriage that i would never, ever, EVER dream of doing to him. without getting into all of it now...let's just say i uncovered some very clear signs of him struggling to understand that he was no longer single. and that almost brought our union to an end. i still think about what happened almost every day. and at times it does simmer just barely below the surface.
re: the question about the amount of time spent with my family, yes, i do think that the amount of time we see my family can be overwhelming for him. it can be overwhelming for me!!
but this is where i sometimes get really irritated...i'll say "no" to an invite from my family...and DH will call back and say "yes." it's like a love / hate thing for him. i think he actually also envies my closeness with my parents and my siblings a bit. his family is just...very different.
as for other things going on with him... this is where that overly sunny disposition sometimes gets in the way. the man can NEVER say...something is bothering me. i am upset. i feel sad. i am mad. or scared. or angry.
in the "do you feel settled" thread, i mentioned that we have been on a financial rollercoaster since '07. DH was in commercial-mortgage-backed-securities at a big investment bank. when the bubble burst, he lost his job. and he was out of work for 9 months. it was not good. he wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. he wanted to think it was all going to bounce back and he would just get the same job somewhere else. but the landscape had totally changed. he finally got a job in a law firm - something he said he never wanted to do. but that law firm serviced investment banks. guess what, they soon closed their doors (it was a small shop) and he was out of work again - two months before my due date
now he's in a totally different kind of job - still dealing with real estate and banks, but it's not the same. he's taken major pay cuts. and with it, i think major ego cuts
but not once, during all of this, has he ever been able to say, "i'm scared/mad/sad/angry/confused." i've tried to have conversations with him about how he feels about his new job...and he just says, "it's fine. it's a-ok. it's going to be ok."
so...i do think that all the turbulence has left him feeling deeply shaken, yet unable to process it.
i think/hope i answered the questions.
as for us today, i am not sure. he woke me up in tears at 3am to say he was sorry for our argument and the way he spoke to me. he said he wanted to agree on a number of weekends away. he said he could see why i was upset about the position i was put in regarding this weekend.
BUT...he says all this, but then he starts trying to turn it around again. saying things like, "i can see that you aren't able to be flexible enough to handle me trying to change plans to go with the flow."
ummm...no...that's not quite accurate
anyway, he was in that kind of annoying-trying-overly-hard mode this morning.
i'm not sure how i feel. b/c we've dealt with this issue over and over again. i've had the conversation and the fight about not being put in the position of being the bad guy. i've had the conversation about how strange his priorities feel. and how much it hurts me to feel like his time with his friends is all he looks forward to and terms as "enjoyment."
he always gives me the yes, yes, yes...and then it always is the same thing...a month or two later
i do think we're going to go see my therapist next week as a couple, rather than me going for my private appt
thanks again.
i don't feel like i can talk to my family or friends IRL b/c i don't want them to hate him. and there have been things that i've told them before, that have caused lots of issues...
to answer as many of the questions that you all asked, i'll try to see if i can remember...i certainly won't be in order
DH is 38, soon to be 39
the positive qualities that make me love him:
- 99% of the time, he is extremely upbeat and positive...i am much more of a cynic and have battled depression for as long as i can remember. his positive attitude and perspective is a very calming force for me.
- he is very easy going. which, is a blessing and a curse, actually.
- he tries to be thoughtful in interesting ways. like signing me up for a class he thinks i might like...or talking the dog for a walk at night and bringing me back a milkshake
- he has really made huge strides in the sharing of household responsibilities. given where he came from...and what his norm was. the fact that i NEVER clean the kitchen after dinner, to me is a sign that he tries. he will fold laundry. he will take out garbage. he'll get on his hands and knees and clean the bathroom on the weeks if/when our cleaning woman has been sick or weather has prevented her from coming, etc
also...DH is way quicker to apologize than i am. pretty much always. i struggle with grudges
so these are a few things i know and love about him
OH...and he adores DS. he has rearranged his work schedule so he goes in little later...b/c he never gets home in time before bed. he takes DS right after his morning nursing. he plays with him, prepares his breakfast, feeds him and puts him in for his first nap. he lights up at the sight of him. he spends absurd amounts of time videotaping him and taking pictures. he's super in love with him. and i love that.
that said, he has done some things in our marriage that i would never, ever, EVER dream of doing to him. without getting into all of it now...let's just say i uncovered some very clear signs of him struggling to understand that he was no longer single. and that almost brought our union to an end. i still think about what happened almost every day. and at times it does simmer just barely below the surface.
re: the question about the amount of time spent with my family, yes, i do think that the amount of time we see my family can be overwhelming for him. it can be overwhelming for me!!
but this is where i sometimes get really irritated...i'll say "no" to an invite from my family...and DH will call back and say "yes." it's like a love / hate thing for him. i think he actually also envies my closeness with my parents and my siblings a bit. his family is just...very different.
as for other things going on with him... this is where that overly sunny disposition sometimes gets in the way. the man can NEVER say...something is bothering me. i am upset. i feel sad. i am mad. or scared. or angry.
in the "do you feel settled" thread, i mentioned that we have been on a financial rollercoaster since '07. DH was in commercial-mortgage-backed-securities at a big investment bank. when the bubble burst, he lost his job. and he was out of work for 9 months. it was not good. he wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. he wanted to think it was all going to bounce back and he would just get the same job somewhere else. but the landscape had totally changed. he finally got a job in a law firm - something he said he never wanted to do. but that law firm serviced investment banks. guess what, they soon closed their doors (it was a small shop) and he was out of work again - two months before my due date
now he's in a totally different kind of job - still dealing with real estate and banks, but it's not the same. he's taken major pay cuts. and with it, i think major ego cuts
but not once, during all of this, has he ever been able to say, "i'm scared/mad/sad/angry/confused." i've tried to have conversations with him about how he feels about his new job...and he just says, "it's fine. it's a-ok. it's going to be ok."
so...i do think that all the turbulence has left him feeling deeply shaken, yet unable to process it.
i think/hope i answered the questions.
as for us today, i am not sure. he woke me up in tears at 3am to say he was sorry for our argument and the way he spoke to me. he said he wanted to agree on a number of weekends away. he said he could see why i was upset about the position i was put in regarding this weekend.
BUT...he says all this, but then he starts trying to turn it around again. saying things like, "i can see that you aren't able to be flexible enough to handle me trying to change plans to go with the flow."
ummm...no...that's not quite accurate
anyway, he was in that kind of annoying-trying-overly-hard mode this morning.
i'm not sure how i feel. b/c we've dealt with this issue over and over again. i've had the conversation and the fight about not being put in the position of being the bad guy. i've had the conversation about how strange his priorities feel. and how much it hurts me to feel like his time with his friends is all he looks forward to and terms as "enjoyment."
he always gives me the yes, yes, yes...and then it always is the same thing...a month or two later
i do think we're going to go see my therapist next week as a couple, rather than me going for my private appt
thanks again.