Do you try to help your parents when they are having relationship issues?

[twowhat?]

It's a long story. But in a nutshell, my brother has been through an inpatient program for his drug addictions and is now living with my parents until another inpatient facility has a spot available for him. He seems to have improved a lot with the first treatment program. But things are still stressful at home of course. My parents have been bickering. Really arguing. I'm sure it's because they are stressed out over this whole situation. Now I'm stuck between it all - both my mom and my dad have been emailing me individually about how they feel. What do you do? I've tried to tell them they need to talk to each other. Today I just gave up and told my dad that I don't know what the answer is but that he can call me anytime he needs to talk.

But really - should I try to help them? Or is it silly that their child is trying to help them with their marriage problems?? Should I just leave them alone and tell them I don't know how to help? It's not like I have a whole lotta free time on my hands for this either. I know things are hard for them right now. But if they refuse to see a counselor what else could I do?

[niccig]

Hell No. It took me until my mid-20's to realise that my parents' relationship issues and lack of communication is THEIR problem. I do everything possible to not get drawn into their dramas, and to protect myself and DS from it. I had no choice as a child but to be dragged into things, but I get to choose now.

I think it is very unfair of them to try and bring you into the middle. It's like their asking you to take sides. I would keep doing what you are doing "I won't get in the middle of you and mum/you and dad. You need to go see a counselor." I understand that they feel they can vent to you, but it puts you in a very difficult position. They need to talk to an objective 3rd party.

[PearlsMom]

Sometimes children have a huge insight in how their parents relate to each other and can be good facilitators -- for instance, I know that my dad gets frustrated when my mom uses exaggerated phrasing, and my mom gets hurt when my dad walks away from a conversation without telling her he needs time to think. So sometimes they end up arguing without much real disagreement. It's no fun to be in the middle, but sometimes you can explain each parent's perspective to the other better than s/he can.

That said, if it's a position that makes you uncomfortable, it's not your job to referee. I think that offering to be a sympathetic but neutral ear is a reasonable compromise.

[maestramommy]

I've had this experience for years. My parents have always had issues, and 40 years into their marriage, the issues have only gotten worse because they've gotten older and more ornery. They both complain to me separately all the time. Mostly I just listen, ask if they've thought about counseling. But I don't think anything will change because they both have similar faults, and think it's only the other person.

[elektra]

I think that offering to be a sympathetic but neutral ear is a reasonable compromise.

:yeahthat:
I do help my dad out in this respect. I would also keep urging for the counseling.

[m448]

My parents just split up a couple of years ago after 30+ years of marriage. I spent the better part of my formative years and early adulthood in the middle.

I say never.

Why? Because as a married woman now myself I realize that there are always intimate details that only the spouse is privy to and which a counselor could probe. However what people see on the outside as annoying habits, behaviors, etc. are only the symptom of what is truly another problem. So unless you're a licensed counselor (and if you were you would not be allowed to counsel family, there's a reason for that), then no, no and no again.

I would set the boundary I had to set with my parents many years ago. I would change the subject when one of them brought up the topic or began to gripe about the other. Eventually I changed that to "no I will not talk about that with you. You need to talk to mom/dad"."

[twowhat?]

Thanks, this helps! I'll stay out of the middle and just offer my sympathetic but neutral ear (what great wording!)

[mecawa]

No, I stay out of it.

[HIU8]

:yeahthat: My parents got divorced when I was 34. It was the happiest time of my life. I hated the fighting and I hated my mom telling me stuff. I would NEVER get in the middle of it. I lived it.