s/o Would YOU go to a playdate at a SAHD's house? [Archive]

lowrioh

03-19-2010, 09:38 AM

DH is a SAHD and when I asked him why he doesn't invite some of the SAHMs over for a playdate he says that he didn't think that they would be comfortable. He is a super friendly guy, totally non-threating and according to my friends (who go to the town playgroups) everyone really likes him a lot. I feel really bad for him since DD is getting to an age where it is getting harder to keep her entertained.
So, would you be OK with going to a SAHD's house for a playdate or do you think it would be weird or even scandalous (a la "Little Children"...and no DH isn't a gorgeous as Patrick Wilson)

wellyes

03-19-2010, 09:43 AM

SnuggleBuggles

03-19-2010, 09:47 AM

infomama

03-19-2010, 09:52 AM

We have friends who both work from home and I enjoy spending time with both of them so my answer is yes... I would be happy to sit and have a cup of coffee with him while the kids play.

pinkmomagain

03-19-2010, 09:54 AM

we have a couple of sahds in dd's preschool. they are really nice guys. that said, i personally have hang ups when it comes to men (it's my own craziness and issue going back to childhood), so i personally would feel uncomfortable going to the playdate. if another mom and child would be going too, i wouldn't hesitate. i'm sure i'm the exception, as i know these dads have had playdates with other moms/kids.

wendmatt

03-19-2010, 09:54 AM

I had a great friend that was a sahd, we used to have lots of playdates, unfortunately they moved away. He seemed standoffish at first and we discussed it at a later date and he said he felt alittle wierd being the only sahd and didn't persue playdates because he didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. we were sad when they left.

WatchingThemGrow

03-19-2010, 10:03 AM

I know a SAHD - actually 2 of them from when I was teaching. One I would see at the park once I quit teaching and had DC. He was very quiet, so I don't know if "playdates" would have been his thing. Not sure if the other one would have either. The one in my neighborhood was very chatty, but I don't know if he did.

Wonder if he'd be more likely/comfortable to go to structured events rather than playdates - like a music class, library storytime, a gym class, etc. Wonder if there's a way to find some other SAHDs in the area?

Elilly

03-19-2010, 10:06 AM

I would be happy to host at my home with another mom present as well. But I would not likely go to a SAHD's home for a playdate with just me and my DC.

ett

03-19-2010, 10:11 AM

I would be happy to host at my home with another mom present as well. But I would not likely go to a SAHD's home for a playdate with just me and my DC.

:yeahthat:

Gena

03-19-2010, 10:14 AM

My DH is a SAHD too. He has a hard time sometimes knowing how to talk to the "other Moms". It took a little time, but he enjoys taking DS to our weekly playgroup (which is held at county building, not a private home). He does do some playdates with other SAHDs. Sometimes he has meets up with SAHMs at the park or indoor play places.

But our playgroup and our playdates are usually with other families who have children with autsim, so we have more community ties to these families through support group, special events, etc. I think that helps DH make connections and feel more comfortable.

lowrioh

03-19-2010, 10:21 AM

Having said that, he may have come up with the "might be uncomfortable" excuse but really just doesn't want to. So I'd encourage him once or twice but then leave it alone.

At first, that's what I thought it was but lately he has been going crazy trying to keep her occupied and has been going out of his way to find stuff to do.

He does take her to our town's playgroup at the town center three times a week. He did take her to a music class last session and to the library story hour but she just wants to run around and play with the other kids and he thinks that she is being disruptive.

I just feel bad for him. Although we live in a very liberal area, sometimes people just make crappy comments when we tell them DH stays at home. I know that they don't mean it in a derogatory way but I know they wouldn't say things like that to SAHMs.

I'll just leave it for now and maybe drop some hints to some of the SAHMs when I see them at the park.

Melaine

03-19-2010, 10:33 AM

I wouldn't go alone with DC but if it were a group playdate with a couple other moms, I'd definitely have no problem (assuming this is a family in our circle of friends, not just a random person we met at Target who wanted to have a playdate!).

I just don't hang out with a guy alone as a rule to prevent any possible impression to anyone that there is anything inappropriate going on. But yeah, if it were 3 or 4 parents getting together with their kids for a playdate I wouldn't care if one or more were SAHDs.

tmahanes

03-19-2010, 10:34 AM

I totally would not have a problem with it at all! But then again I am an athletic trainer so in my job I am frequently the only female with anywhere from 15-100 males depending on the sport. So completely would not bother me or my DH for me to do that!

Katigre

03-19-2010, 10:35 AM

If I knew the SAHD already through playdates at parks/community locations (library, etc...) then I wouldn't hesitate to go to a playdate at their house if it was a group event. We actually just made friends with a SAHD and his kids over the past year and I feel comfortable going over there for playdates now (though i'll be honest and say that I feel more comfortable if it is me and another SAHM plus the SAHD so it's not just him and I and the kids).

I think what he should do is bite the bullet and invite 2 SAHM's+kids over to play and for lunch. And make sure he's all lovey-dovey when he talks about you and that there are obvious wedding photos around - that makes the SAHM's feel more comfortable, like 'this is a great family man, he's a safe person to hang around with, no flirting or danger'.

billysmommy

03-19-2010, 10:38 AM

KrisM

03-19-2010, 10:57 AM

I'd have no problems with it, assuming it was someone I knew from other playgroups, etc. If it was someone I just met at the park, I'd rather continue meeting at parks, etc until I knew him better.

Our MOMS Club had a SAHD for a few years.

wellyes

03-19-2010, 11:05 AM

I just don't hang out with a guy alone as a rule to prevent any possible impression to anyone that there is anything inappropriate going on.

See, I don't get that - the idea that you need a 3rd party to verify that it's kosher. I could understand not going out to coffee or dinner with a guy friend (even though I would). But a playdate... both of you have your own kids present! What would people think, that the two of you snuck off to do something naughty while the kids played 15 feet away? Anyone who'd think that has such a dirty mind!

citymama

03-19-2010, 11:05 AM

Not only would I, but I have gone to playdates at a SAHD's home. I wasn't the only other parent there (there was one other dad and kid and one other mom and kid). I know DH was a little shy to go to playgroups at other mom's homes unless he knew there were other dads present; he preferred to meet up with one or two of his daddy friends and do something like a playground or zoo visit than play at home. If your DH is uncomfortable, I wouldn't push it. Maybe he'd be OK with attending playgroups at other mom/dad's homes though, or making playdates to meet at some fun location like the zoo.

jayali

03-19-2010, 11:19 AM

My husband is a sahd (sort of - works while DS is in school). We personally are not the "playdate" type. We meet in parks and museums, but don't do "in home" playdates. We talked about playdates when I decided to go back to work. We would not hesitate to have parents present on playdates at our house, however, we would not feel comfortable with playdates without parents present. It is my craziness. Even once the children get older (DS is almost 6) we won't have children at our house with just my husband home. Again, my craziness - but we had a family member once accused of something ugly by a boy, who was a friend of the family. Completely unsubstantiated and retracted, but it has left scars on our family. I would NEVER put DH in that situation based on our family history.

My husband (and son) get invited on and go to plenty of playdates where he is the only dad. There is a standing playdate on Monday at a friends house and the Moms call him their "eye candy" (trust me he is far from it).

JTsMom

03-19-2010, 11:33 AM

I would go to, but I think the idea of having a couple of people over at the same time would probably be the best way to guarantee others being comfortable. I doubt too many moms could possibly object to that.

gordo

03-19-2010, 11:36 AM

Before I moved, my neighbor was a SAHD with two kids the same age as mine. We had playdates all the time - my house, his house, outside, etc. No issues.

crl

03-19-2010, 11:41 AM

I would go. But I know DH would feel that way if he were a SAHD, so I understand where your husband is coming from.

Catherine

mamicka

03-19-2010, 11:44 AM

This wouldn't be an issue for me. If this was someone I already knew from elsewhere it wouldn't matter if it were a SAHD or SAHM I'd be equally willing/interested in having playdates anywhere.

Moneypenny

03-19-2010, 11:52 AM

DH is a SAHD. He has hosted lots of playdates with SAHMs and also attends them at the house of the SAHM. He has told me that he doesn't feel comfortable initiating the request, but he's a pretty quiet guy so I don't think he initiates requests with the other SAHDs, either.

alexsmommy

03-19-2010, 11:57 AM

Mmmm, had to think about what I've done. For SAHD who I met through the kids and didn't know the mom I suggested meeting in public places - not for proprieties sake, but because it took pressure off us having to generate small talk. For the two dad's that I met through the mom, I eventually knew them well enough through efforts by the mom that I was comfortable going to their homes or having them over.

TwinFoxes

03-19-2010, 11:57 AM

You mean would I hesitate to be PRESENT at a playdate with a SAHD? Heck no! Absolutely not.

Having said that, he may have come up with the "might be uncomfortable" excuse but really just doesn't want to. So I'd encourage him once or twice but then leave it alone.

Yep this would be my DH. I think he'd rather poke his eyes out with a hot poker than have to entertain by himself.

See, I don't get that - the idea that you need a 3rd party to verify that it's kosher. I could understand not going out to coffee or dinner with a guy friend (even though I would). But a playdate... both of you have your own kids present! What would people think, that the two of you snuck off to do something naughty while the kids played 15 feet away? Anyone who'd think that has such a dirty mind!

:yeahthat: I totally agree with this entire statement. What kind of person assumes there's impropriety at a playdate? (not meaning pps, but the gossips who would think that.)

katydid1971

03-19-2010, 12:00 PM

One of my best friends is a SAHD. DH and I are very close to him and his DW. We have countless playdates as well as costco dates, etc. He also has watched DC many times and is our ICE person if DH and I can't pick up DC at school. When I was prego with DD I had a few scares and was checked into the hospital a couple times and he would take care of DS. We love him and his whole family and really appreciate them.

bubbaray

03-19-2010, 12:20 PM

No, I would not. But we don't really do playdates anyway.

Tagging on to jayali's post above, I would also be uncomfortable with my DH hosting a playdate alone. I wouldn't want to put him in a position of being accused of something. I have no fears about him, I just wouldn't want there to be a situation.

g-mama

03-19-2010, 12:28 PM

Only if I had known the man previously, and my dh knew him. Otherwise, I would not go. I would only do it if it were a playgroup with more than just me and my dc.

PearlsMom

03-19-2010, 12:34 PM

Even once the children get older (DS is almost 6) we won't have children at our house with just my husband home. Again, my craziness - but we had a family member once accused of something ugly by a boy, who was a friend of the family. Completely unsubstantiated and retracted, but it has left scars on our family. I would NEVER put DH in that situation based on our family history.

What an interesting perspective -- and I'm so sorry for your family to have to go through that.

Raidra

03-19-2010, 12:59 PM

I haven't had the opportunity, as I don't know any full-time SAHDs, but there's one family we used to be close with where the dad was a teacher, and we'd get together at parks during the summer, sometimes with both parents, sometimes it would be just him. We had things in common and got along well, so I wouldn't have hesitated to go to their house for a playdate if the mom was out. Some of the dads in our homeschool group I'd probably do the same with, since I already know them from family events.

But there are some other dads I know that I don't have a *thing* in common with, and mix that with my own shyness, and I probably wouldn't do a playdate one on one with them. I would just feel really self-conscious and I think it would be awkward.

I do think the PP whose husband doesn't host unchaperoned playdates has a good idea. I'd probably feel the same way and not want my husband to take that risk. I don't think I'd think twice about some of the dads we're friends with watching our kids without me around, but on the other hand, I wouldn't want to put my husband into that situation just in case of a misunderstanding or something.

lowrioh

03-19-2010, 01:01 PM

I was talking about having one SAHM and their kid/s over at a time....DH wouldn't be comfortable watching other people's kids at this stage since DD is still pretty small.

hellokitty

03-19-2010, 01:02 PM

I would be happy to host at my home with another mom present as well. But I would not likely go to a SAHD's home for a playdate with just me and my DC.

:yeahthat: With an exception of one friend who is a sahd. We've been friends for 18 yrs and I'm friends with his wife too. I wouldn't mind having 1-1 playdates with him and his children. However, for other situations, I agree with the poster I quoted above.

BelleoftheBallFlagstaff

03-19-2010, 01:41 PM

I wouldn't hesitate at all. If we got along well, I would have no issues. To me a SAHP is a SAHP.

BelleoftheBallFlagstaff

03-19-2010, 01:49 PM

g-mama

03-19-2010, 01:58 PM

See, I don't get that - the idea that you need a 3rd party to verify that it's kosher. I could understand not going out to coffee or dinner with a guy friend (even though I would). But a playdate... both of you have your own kids present! What would people think, that the two of you snuck off to do something naughty while the kids played 15 feet away? Anyone who'd think that has such a dirty mind!

It's not that it would be like you snuck off and did something naughty. Lots of things happen between men and women that are inappropriate that are not physical. It might give an impression of a too-close-for-comfort relationship and not in a physical way. I wouldn't want my husband to do it, and I'm sure he wouldn't want me to. And neither of us is a jealous person, and neither of us has trust issues. It just does not seem appropriate, IMO.

mmommy

03-19-2010, 01:58 PM

I wouldn't hesitate at all. If we got along well, I would have no issues. To me a SAHP is a SAHP.

:yeahthat:

kransden

03-19-2010, 02:11 PM

No problem here, I already do that.

If he feels weird, how about in a public place like a park or Chucky Cheese?

niccig

03-19-2010, 02:12 PM

We've met 3 SAHD's over the past 2 years and have gone over to each of the houses for playdates, both one-on-one and with a group. The first time was always a little awkward but I feel that way on the first playdate with moms also.

This would be me too. I always feel awkward on the first play date at someone else's house, especially if I'm just getting to know them. This would apply to SAHM or SAHD. After that, I'm no longer uncomfortable.

If I had met your DH at a few events like park/story time/playgroup and the kids played well together, I would do a playdate at your house.

Maybe your DH can suggest a playdate at the park if he's uncomfortable or thinks the other parent would be uncomfortable. Then work up to playdates at home.

daphne

03-19-2010, 02:23 PM

Absolutely. I hang out with one of the SAHD's in our neighborhood all the time. Our DSs are very good friends, so they play together almost every day. I've never given it a second thought. I'm sort of surprised by all of the hesitation in the thread.

MontrealMum

03-19-2010, 02:27 PM

Yes, I would. We - as a family -- are very good friends with another family where the dad is a SAHD. His DD and our DS are one day apart, and we all share similar interests in terms of skiing, biking etc. The only reason I haven't done any "alone" playdates with them is because neither DH nor I are at home with DS during the day, but if I were, I'd do it in an instant.

I will say that this particular dad is very outgoing and works hard to find activities and groups that he and his DD can participate in. Weekly, they do swimming one day, gymnastics another, and are also part of a mom's group. Sometimes they do reading time at the library. He's the only dad, and he said it was a little uncomfortable at first, but he feels welcome now. I think the bigger thing for him to overcome than being the SAHP of the less common sex, is that they're from out west and he didn't really speak much French before moving here. But I know being the Dad in a group of moms hasn't been easy for him (I've asked, I was curious), and that it's taken a lot of perserverence on his part.

noodle

03-19-2010, 02:39 PM

Assuming we got along, I'd go without hesitation.
My favorite playdates with DC1 were with a SAHD at his home. I met the dad through a mutual friend. I was no more anxious going the first time as I was going to a playdate at a SAHM's home for the first time (except maybe with the SAHD I may have been slightly less concerned about how fashionably I was dressed...).
I was way less lonely and DH was thankful that some of my social energy was used during the day.

boolady

03-19-2010, 02:39 PM

mousemom

03-19-2010, 03:08 PM

I'm amazed that so many people say they would not. This makes me sad for DD, who is home one day of the week with just DH while I am at work. I guess the fact that her mom is at work means she loses out on a playdate?

Unfortunately, this seems to be the case for DS at the moment. DH is a SAHD/PhD student and we don't know many families with kids. Now that DS is at an age where he might enjoy/benefit from more social contact, I've been trying to encourage DH to try and make friends with others at the park/library and try to arrange some playdates, but he says he doesn't feel comfortable since the others are Moms. (He also says he doesn't have time, but that's a different problem.) I've started taking DS to an evening library storytime twice a month and I'm hoping I can meet some other Moms/kids there and maybe set up some playdates.

maestramommy

03-19-2010, 03:27 PM

We have a standing weekly playdate with a SAHD and his ds. They are our neighbors, and the ds is the same age as Dora. So far it's been working really well, although it sometimes feels like it's more of an "adult facetime!" for the SAHPs:p

niccig

03-19-2010, 03:29 PM

So far it's been working really well, although it sometimes feels like it's more of an "adult facetime!" for the SAHPs:p

Aren't all playdates like this? DS enjoys playdates, and so do I. Most of our playdates are with long standing friends, so I get to catch up and DS gets to play. win-win.

maestramommy

03-19-2010, 03:52 PM

Aren't all playdates like this? DS enjoys playdates, and so do I. Most of our playdates are with long standing friends, so I get to catch up and DS gets to play. win-win.

You're probably right lol! It probably feels that way even more so for the SAHD because he didn't intend to become one, circumstances dictated, and I know he is freaked out by how he's going to cope because his DW is due with their second child in a matter of weeks. She is a family practitioner and will definitely be going back to work after her mat. leave is over. They are trying to figure out childcare options but it's not easy because money is tight. Every time we get together he has this dazed, slightly shellshocked look :p I feel for him, because it's hard for ME, and I WANTED to be a SAHM.

g-mama

03-19-2010, 07:52 PM

The more I think about this topic, and try to imagine myself going to a dad's house for a playdate, the more I realize I simply would not enjoy hanging out and talking to a guy for a couple of hours. Most men are not interested in talking about the same things that I talk about with women. This may be generalizing, and in fact, my husband doesn't fit this mold, but most men that I know talk about "man" topics that I have zero interest in.

It's not just the awkwardness of it, it's that I wouldn't be interested in it.

egoldber

03-19-2010, 08:06 PM

But don't you find that with other parents you just end up just talking about your kids and school stuff anyway?

g-mama

03-19-2010, 09:15 PM

We talk about the kids and school some, but also things like our relationships, TV shows, hair and clothes, extended family relationships...things like that.

SnuggleBuggles

03-19-2010, 09:27 PM

Yeah, but those are conversations that you (well, I) typically have when I become friends with someone. I don't feel like I have to be really good friends with someone to have a playdate with. So, we would stick with the superficial topics like school and our kids. odds are that conversation would flow to other topics. I wouldn't expect to talk about relationships... I only talk about those things with my 2 really close friends. But, I can easily carry on conversations and have a pleasant time with people and not scratch the surface.

Beth

Twoboos

03-19-2010, 09:40 PM

I would have no problem, if I got along w/the dad in general.

This might be b/c I used to work in a very male-dominated group, and in a way I "miss" the interactions sometimes. We were definitely able to talk about family/relationships, trashy-celebrity gossip, etc. :)