When To Tell The Kids?

[Raidra]

We have to move, but have no idea when. It could be next month or in six months. The house will be on the market for some period of time, but we're not expecting it to sell, so I can't imagine that we'll be making a huge effort to keep it looking fab. We do need to rehome our chickens, as we'll be moving into an apartment. I'd rather get rid of them sooner, but I'll have to explain why to the boys. I'm not looking forward to that at all.. they're going to be devastated (not about the chickens, but about moving). I also don't like the idea of not being able to give them a timeframe on when we're moving.

Any advice on how and when to tell the boys we're moving?

[kristenk]

How big of a move will this be? Will you be moving to a different house/apartment in the same city or to an entirely different city? Are your DC worriers or more laid back?

It's so hard with so many unknowns. When will you find out more?

[Raidra]

I don't know where we'll be moving. We'll try to stay in the same area so we can continue with our homeschool group, but we don't know for sure. My husband takes the train to work in the city, which opens up a lot of towns for us.

The main problem is that we live with my parents in their house, and soon won't be. This is one of the few plusses to the move for me and my husband, but my boys aren't going to be happy about it. We've lived together since my oldest was 2 months old, so it's all they know. They're very close to my parents and to my sister (who also lives here), and it's going to be a major adjustment for them.

We're waiting on some paperwork from the bank, and then my parents will be talking with a lawyer to find out what the best course of action is. We'll have to put the house on the market, and in the really unlikely scenario that it sells, we'd have to move quickly. I don't know if the bank will set a time limit for how long the house can be on the market for before doing what is essentially a foreclosure, though they don't call it that. I don't know if real foreclosure is actually an option, even though the bank says it's not. If the lawyer says we can go through the usual foreclosure option, and my parents choose that (if the bank gives us a very short time to sell the house), then we could be here for six months.

It's just all very frustrating.. they're not actually even behind on the mortgage. My mom got laid off and while she was in negotiations over her severance, her employer withheld her checks.. so we were two or three months behind, but we got caught up last month. We went to pay this month's mortgage, and they wouldn't accept it. My mom's a total wreck over the whole thing, and I don't know if she'll be able to keep it from the boys to begin with (my oldest caught her looking at apartments online today).

[arivecchi]

I just want to say I am so sorry. This economy sucks. Hugs. :grouphug:

[caleymama]

I just want to say I am so sorry. This economy sucks. Hugs. :grouphug:

:yeahthat: :hug:

[alexsmommy]

I'm so sorry.

Seriously, who is in charge of these banks? They have homeowners who WANT to stay in their home, who cared enough to catch up on their payments, who want to work with them, but in their infinite wisdom it makes more sense to force you out in an area where chances are it will sit empty?
I keep hearing these stories and they make me sick.

I truly hope something changes and things work out.

[wendmatt]

That is outrageous. I thought the banks/govt were trying to help homeowners, have they taken this all the way to the top at the bank? I'm so sorry.
I have found with DD that talking with her and reading books about stuff really has helped us. We've moved 4 times since she was born (military) and I always talked about it in advance, even though often we didn't know when we'd be moving, it seemed to help that she knew it was going to happen. I have friends that don't tell their kids till the last minute, so I guess it depends on your DC.
Good luck to you, this is just so wrong.

[kristenk]

I'm so sorry that your family is going through this. :hug:

The whole thing with the bank sounds so strange. Who did you and your mom talk to at the bank? Is it a locally-owned banked or a branch of a big bank? I wonder if you could go back in and talk to someone higher up?

It just seems weird that they'd force you guys to leave when you're not currently late and, even when you were late, you weren't *that* late (compared to other stories I've heard). I've also heard that it takes a much longer time to actually foreclose. I know you said that they were doing something other than foreclosure, but I would think it would take just as long, right?

Most of my foreclosure info comes from listening to Dave Ramsey and I don't have any first- or second-hand IRL information.

I'd really try to talk to the bank again. Knowing my tendency to wimp out at confrontation and get, ahem, a bit too emotional, I'd take a rational, strong-willed family member or friend with me. Or a lawyer. It just doesn't seem as if it should come to this over 2 late payments that have since been paid.

Did they have any trouble accepting the two late payments? Why did they say that they wouldn't accept the current month's payment?

Sorry that this post is all about the bank and not about telling your kids about moving. I'm really hoping that you won't *have* to move, though.:hug:

[Raidra]

Well, they're definitely going to talk with a lawyer (that they've used successfully before) about our options. My dad got laid off last year for a few months, so we were behind for a little while and got caught up. A few years before that, the bank increased the mortgage payment from (roughly) $2500 to $4400.. we got a lawyer and got it down to $3600. After my dad got laid off, they got the mortgage dropped to $2900, which we could easily afford between our two families, except that my mom got laid off. I'm guessing that they have a formula that takes into account how many late payments over a period of time, and the fact that we had to get the payments decreased, and we finally reached the tipping point.

The bank is trying to avoid doing official foreclosures. I'm sure they lose a lot of money since it's a long process, and they're trying to achieve the end result in less time. So from what I understand, we put the house on the market, if it doesn't sell by a certain point, we apply to just 'hand over the keys' and walk away with no penalties, or we do a short sale. I don't know how long they'll give us to try to sell the house, but I'm assuming it's not long. Obviously, we'd like to stay in the house as long as possible, partly because I'm due in 6 weeks and this isn't a great time to move, but also to save up money for first, last, and security. If a traditional foreclosure is an option, they'll have to decide whether the opportunity to save up 6 months or more of rent is worth the damage to their credit scores.

To be honest, my parents never should have bought the house to begin with, as it was a stretch for them (15 years ago). Then when Colwyn was born, we decided to move in and renovate the house into something like a two-family.. which was also a bad idea, financially speaking. It will be a relief to get out from under the house, and to have our financial situation not tied to my parents, but it will be hard to move. The kids' bedroom is my old bedroom, where my husband and I first kissed, first.. ahem. We got married in the backyard, Fiona was born our bathroom, and this baby will be born in the house. I moved around a lot when I was a kid, this is by far the longest my parents have ever stayed in one house. A lot of important things have happened here.

I have no idea whether the kids will benefit from more time to prepare, or less time to worry. I'm sure we won't say anything until we've gotten the paperwork from the bank and talked to the lawyer, 'cause that will give us some sense of how much time we have (I hope). Weirdly enough, Colwyn and Lachlann have picked out the Berenstein Bears book about moving a few times at bedtime this past week, even before we knew what was going on.

[kristenk]

Well, it sounds as if getting out of the house isn't necessarily a bad thing, but that it would be nice to do it on your own terms on your own timetable.

If I were you, I'd start looking for a new place to live, but not tell the kids. As you narrow down your choices, I'd tell the kids that the family will be moving.

Before you tell them, though, since there's the possibility of moving to a different area, how about taking a trip and checking out a local park or coffee shop or something one morning or afternoon? That way, when you tell them about the move, you can remind them of what you did and what the area is like. (Don't know if that made sense; I seem to be having difficulty with the English language right now!)

Would you want to go ahead and move your family out of the house before your parents left? If you did that, you'd have a more definitive timeline.

[lalasmama]

We moved when Lala was 5 years and 8 months or so. She's a *major* worrier, gets really anxious about any changes, and even worse if she's hearing whispers among the adults. I knew there was no way to survive the weeks before the move without telling her. So, I told her about 4 weeks before we moved. I made it very casual--"Our house isn't working right, wouldn't a new house with stairs be fun?"--and she said "okay".

Quickly, she started deciding the move wasn't a good idea anymore, and that's when I started the psychology stuff ;) I made sure to point out things that would stay the same. I bribed her with new bedding and bathroom decor. (I don't recommend this--her bedding is now hot pink and teal, and in the bathroom, I'm never alone--Belle, Cinderella, and Aurora are standing next to me in a life-size shower curtain, all because I tried to bribe her into happiness about the move). When we found the new house (a townhouse, really), I pointed out all the cool things about it. Her whole reason for loving the house now? (1) It has stairs. (2) and (3): McDonalds and Chuck-E-Cheese across the street.

Months after the fact (we moved in October), I think she's survived the move pretty well. She's had some issues (about the "newness" of the new house), but overall, she's done fine. I think a month in advance worked perfect.

[TwinFoxes]

This isn't what you asked at all, but if your parents want help to keep their house, they might try contacting their Congressman. This is what constituent services does, step in to help. Congress has been really critical of banks that aren't working with homeowners. It's worth a shot. Good luck with everything.

[mamicka]

I have no advice Rachel but I wanted to give you some hugs. :hug:
Thinking of you. :hug:

[hopeful_mama]

My DH works in mortgage securities and I shared this post with him. He said if your parents weren't 90 days delinquent, then it's probably illegal for the bank to do this, unless they signed a very unusual contract. Even if it was 90 days past, there should be solutions, this is something a lawyer could hopefully help with. He also thought the pp's advice to contact a congressperson was good, too. In this declining market the bank stands to lose far more from selling your house - hopefully you can speak with someone higher up at the bank who will realize this.

Unfortunately repaying the missed months was not actually the best thing to do. What he says would have been best (and I mention this just in case others are in a similar boat), would have been to go to the bank and ask them to refinance to avoid foreclosure - the bank can actually take advantage of current government incentives. Sounds backwards but that's what it is.

Good luck!