Should DH play soccer every Sunday AM in the Spring and Fall? UPDATE in original post

[Krisrich]

A little background... DH has played soccer continuously since he was little. It is important to him. He is 37 and wonders how long he will physically be able to play on a men's league.

We also have a fifteen month old and a two month old. I am going back to work part-time in a month. I told DH when the fall season ended that I wanted to have a serious discussion about his continuing to play. He will be out of the box on Sundays from about 9-11:30. DD1 is starting to give up her AM nap so that coincides with the time when we would be able to do something together as a family.

Yesterday, I brought up soccer with DH and he says that he has practice tomorrow (today, which he ended up not going to after yesterday's discussion) and hat the season starts next week. I was really upset that he didn't discuss this with me earlier. I do not think it's fair that he just assumed this was something he was going to do.

I agree with him that he does a lot for the family, but so do I. I would not sign up for something every Saturday AM without discussing it. I had hoped he could join an evening league or a league closer to our house- he is uncomfortable "trying out" for another team and it is too late now. He wonders if other Dads have this problem- tell me the truth, am I really being unreasonable?

He will have to miss some games because my job requires me to work some weekends and I am sure we will have extended family/friends obligations. This means it is unlikely that he will be able to miss games simply so we can spend a Sunday AM together with our little family. He also thinks that I am upset simply about him playing soccer and seems to be missing the fact that I am greatly bothered by his lack of communication with me about it. He apologizes for that now. But, I feel like he doesn't really think that it would have mattered if he brought it up earlier because my position is simply that he shouldn't play soccer. Discussions now are not going well because I am still upset that I had to bring it up only to find out that the season is already starting!

Sorry to ramble. Any and all opinions welcome!

UPDATE/CLARIFICATION: So, the 9-11:30 thing was just for this weekend's practice. I thought it sounded like a small amount of time compared to the last 8 years- lack of sleep! Anyway, I just clarified with DH- expect 9am- 12:45pm. That means DD2 will be down for her pm nap by the time he comes home and won't be up until 3:30. She goes back to sleep around 6:30.

[infomama]

I'm on the fence about this one. Does he do anything else for himself during the week/year or is this it? If soccer is his only personal activity and it brings him happiness do you really want him to stop going? Not that spending time with the family won't bring him happiness but you know how when you do something for yourself (for me it's yoga) that you just 'need' it's different.

Are you OK with him playing as long as he clearly communicates with you about it or are you not really open to the whole soccer idea at all b/c of the scheduling. Did he not tell you about it b/c he was concerned that you would be upset/say no?

[SnuggleBuggles]

That's nothing. My dh plays Ultimate for 6 hour chunks every single Saturday during the summer. It's important to him so we make it work. He's also training for a half marathon so he goes out running for about 2 hours one weekend morning/ week. I would be ok with it. It's just a few hours in the morning and you have the rest of the weekend.

I would be annoyed if he signed up first but my dh has done that before too. I knew it was coming though so it didn't take me off guard.

I think that it is worth letting him be gone 2.5 hours once a week vs him being resentful and unhappy with you that you wouldn't let him do it, kwim? Back in college I made dh drop out of Ultimate because it cut into our time together and that has been a sticking point of guilt for me.,.which could be why I let dh play so much. had I only known back then how much easier it was to not have him around when it was just the 2 of us vs me and the kids! :) Still, the kids and I have a routine and enjoy our weekends.

Beth

[Krisrich]

He doesn't really do much else for himself during the week/year- at least nothing as scheduled as weekly soccer.

And, I think that he absolutely didn't bring it up earlier because he assumed I would say no and be upset. But, that is maddening to me because of two reasons. First, it is sooo childish- as if not talking about it will make it go away- this is a recurring problem for DH. Second, it really sells me short. I think we could have a discussion about it that ends up with me saying, I agree, your playing soccer on Sunday this season is best. Let's readdress in the fall. I am angry that he doesn't think enough of me to think this is possible.

I just want to be heard. Now, he will likely play and I will likely end up playing the role of "that wife" who is upset about it. I want the chance to be the wife who is supportive of her husband. But, he needs to understand the consequences his playing has on our family and then to feel happy that he has an understanding wife. We can't get there when he doesn't even bring it up!

[crl]

Well, I understand your frustration about the season already starting and things not being properly discussed. That would make me very unhappy.

But I would be very supportive if my dh would do this. Exercise is so important to both physical and mental health. I understand the limits on family time, but soccer is obviously important to him and I think the benefits that come from that are also really important to your family's long-term happiness. Can you find a different niche for family time? Sunday evening? Friday evening?

Catherine

ETA: We cross-posted so I was only answering your first post.

[wellyes]

Amateur leagues like that one are just as much about the social aspect as the sports. If it's his primary outlet, his once-a-week thing, I'd not protest too much.

But I'd try to ensure an equal "me time" activity for myself. For example, he gets Sunday mornings for soccer, maybe you get Wednesday evenings for whatever you want: book club, girl's night, going to a movie, or just getting to goof off online while he watches the kids and takes care of meals & chores.

I do understand where you're coming from, DH plays hockey and it sucks up a bit of time too. But it does make him happy and I want that, kwim? And the not talking about it is passive-aggressive nonsense. But the communication issue & the soccer / time issue are separate and I would treat them as separate issues.

[khm]

I wouldn't have a problem with the soccer. If he's going to play now, and you are ok with the actual soccer, I'd just express that you are NOT upset about the soccer itself. Just how he went about it.

[billysmommy]

Is there anyway you could turn it into a family time? DH played soccer every spring starting when Ds1 was an infant. On the nice days, we would go watch him and enjoy the sunny morning. Then we would go out for an early lunch before heading home. When Ds2 came along, I would put him in the stroller and Ds1 and I would bring our own soccer ball and play around on the sidelines. DH isn't playing this year since both boys are playing soccer and baseball now so we're juggling schedules but he does help out with Ds1's soccer team. I miss this time :(

[TwinFoxes]

I honestly don't think that's very much time at all. How long is the season?

Also, although you say it's not the soccer that's bothering you, so much as the way he went about it, I think the soccer is bothering you too. Otherwise when you approached DH you would have said something like "let's figure out a way for you to do soccer that still works with our family schedule" rather than wanting to have a "serious discussion about him continuing to play". Soccer obviously means a lot to him, and implying that he couldn't continue to play probably really knocked him for a loop.

I think everyone needs an outlet. And this seems really harmless, and takes up relatively little time. I hope you guys work something out! :)

ETA: also agree with pp's idea of turning it into family time. That's a great way to show you're a supportive wife! :)

[Krisrich]

Well, the family time would be great in theory, but it would be really difficult for me to have a fifteen month old and a two month old for an hour and a half on the sidelines, especially when nursing. I'd be flying around after the 15month old and watching out for torpedoed balls with the little one trying to stay attached to the boob. I'm not sure DH would like that very much. And one DD2 gets a little older, I am the type to be a slave to her morning nap.

I do like the idea of one evening to myself a week. Thanks.

I agree that DH should play soccer, but you are also very right to pick up on some negativity on my part. I just hate that is ASSUMED that he will play and ASSUMED that I will be the nagging wife. We've added another baby to our family since the last season! I think he should acknowledge that. I hate that I had to bring the discussion up. I say things like "serious discussion" so that he will take it seriously and hear what I have to say. You are right, though, that that makes it sound like I really don't want him to play. I just want it to be appreciated that he plays, kwim? I would like to feel like he tells his friends what a great wife he has who is home taking care of 2 babies so he can continue to play. Instead, I always feel like the proverbial ball and chain. I sound pathetic, don't I? You guys are making me realize that perhaps I should just let it go. But, I just don't think DH realizes how good things are going. We have 2 babies, i am two months post-partum, and things are running pretty smoothly. Smoothly enough that he thinks he can play soccer without even having a discussion about it. Don't I deserve some credit for that?

[TwinFoxes]

We have 2 babies, i am two months post-partum, and things are running pretty smoothly. Smoothly enough that he thinks he can play soccer without even having a discussion about it. Don't I deserve some credit for that?

You deserve A LOT of credit for that!!:bighand::cheerleader1::thumbsup: Seriously, you do. I hope your DH shows you how much he appreciates it. Maybe that's what the discussion should be about. Good luck! :hug:

[crl]

You deserve A LOT of credit for that!!:bighand::cheerleader1::thumbsup: Seriously, you do. I hope your DH shows you how much he appreciates it. Maybe that's what the discussion should be about. Good luck! :hug:

I agree!

Catherine

[mommy111]

You deserve A LOT of credit for that!!:bighand::cheerleader1::thumbsup: Seriously, you do. I hope your DH shows you how much he appreciates it. Maybe that's what the discussion should be about. Good luck! :hug:
:yeahthat:
I think this is more about you feeling under-appreciated than it is about his soccer. I would just communicate that to him.
IMHO, both partners in a marriage should be able to expect to do things they enjoy and should be able to expect their spouse to work with them to make such things a possibility. So if you enjoy sleeping in on the weekends, have him do baby duty. Or take an evening out for what you enjoy. But I wouldn't expect him to tell the guys, I have a fabulous wife at home who makes it possible for me to play soccer, because IME, guys will be very, very embarassed doing that.

[ErinMC]

You deserve A LOT of credit for that!!:bighand::cheerleader1::thumbsup: Seriously, you do. I hope your DH shows you how much he appreciates it. Maybe that's what the discussion should be about. Good luck! :hug:

I agree completely!

[LexyLou]

I haven't read the other responses but my DH also is a major soccer player. He has played on leagues as long as I have been with him. At some points he was on multiple leagues at the same time.

He plays on a Sunday league now that's 30 minutes from our house. There are closer leagues but they aren't competitive enough for him (rolling my eyes).

It's frustrating sometimes especially because he works A LOT and sometimes I feel like he's putting soccer before his family BUT I know how much he loves it. I know how much he NEEDS it after working his butt off all week.

Sometimes I get annoyed but for the most part I understand and give him Sunday mornings for soccer. Sometimes we go and watch him and then go out for brunch after. Sometimes if there is something important, he'll skip, but for the most part if it's Sunday morning, he's at soccer.

I figure some guys are into golf and that's like an 8 hour thing. At least my DH is home within 3 hours.

ETA: I just realized it's Sunday and DH didn't play soccer so I just asked him if there wasn't a game today and he said, "No, there was, but I skipped it so I could spend time with you guys." Awwww.

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

Well, apparently I am not that nice, because I wouldn't think it was great to have DH gone every Sunday morning. I would think it sucks. :) After working all week, really the only time to do things as a family is the weekend.

DH is in an ultimate league that plays 1/week and I encourage that, but it's in the evening, so the kids are going to bed by 8-8:30 anyways. They have tournaments about 3 weekends a year. It annoys me some, though, because I was the ultimate player. I retired because of the kids - someone has to watch them. :p

I put my foot down at joining a club team, though. That would mean 1 weekday and 1 weekend practice (several hours) every week and then every tournament is a weekend away, probably about 1/month for multiple months. No way.

I feel like our kids and family need to come first right now. Perhaps when they are older and more independent, sure. But right now, I think it's ridiculous to expect me to watch 2 young children for half the weekend and then entire weekends once a month.

DH agreed once he considered the time committment, so there really wasn't a disagreement.

He's at a frisbee tournament right now, though. :p

ETA - DH also says bring the kids! We'll take turns playing, they can watch, family thing, etc. No thanks. It just ends up being a bunch of work on me. If I'm in charge, I'd rather do something where I'm in control of the environment, where I'm most comfortable.

[JBaxter]

I have no issue with it. DH plays golf every saturday morning it is reasonable. He works hard and provides 100% of the income for our family. I am a SAHM of 4 . He does not go out after work is 90% of the time home by 530. He does travel for work some but over all it is his only hobby. He usually t's off by 8 or 9am and comes staright home.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I have no issue with it. DH plays golf every saturday morning it is reasonable. He works hard and provides 100% of the income for our family. I am a SAHM of 4 . He does not go out after work is 90% of the time home by 530. He does travel for work some but over all it is his only hobby. He usually t's off by 8 or 9am and comes staright home.

That's how I feel about it too. My dh has so little down time that I want him to be able to have a break and do something fun, even if it is a solo activity.

Beth

[JBaxter]

That's how I feel about it too. My dh has so little down time that I want him to be able to have a break and do something fun, even if it is a solo activity.

Beth

Logan and Connor arnt interested in golf Nathan is a bit to young I'd say in the next year or 2 Nathan will start going with him. DH is really looking forward to it.

He also will come home and ask if "I" need to go do anything like shopping/ mani-pedi etc. I have a WONDERFUL DH and if his only "vice" is playing golf on a saturday morning I am WAY ahead of the game ;)

[egoldber]

You all are nicer than me. I have HUGE issues with DH playing golf every weekend. Our latest compromise is that he and his pals tee off at the FIRST tee time, which is usually around 5/5:15 in the summer. Yes, that is 5/5:15 AM. So he is home by about 10:30. That is the only way he can play. Even getting home by 11/11:30 really interferes with our family weekend time.

But golf is his one real social outlet, so we have developed this compromise. If he loves it that much, he loves it enough to get himself out of bed at 4 am.

[TwinFoxes]

You all are nicer than me. I have HUGE issues with DH playing golf every weekend. Our latest compromise is that he and his pals tee off at the FIRST tee time, which is usually around 5/5:15 in the summer. Yes, that is 5/5:15 AM. So he is home by about 10:30. That is the only way he can play. Even getting home by 11/11:30 really interferes with our family weekend time.

But golf is his one real social outlet, so we have developed this compromise. If he loves it that much, he loves it enough to get himself out of bed at 4 am.

But golf is a lot different than soccer. If your DH didn't get that first tee time, he'd be gone longer than 5 hours (having to wait for slower foursomes etc.) But I think it's great that you came up with a compromise so he can still play. I think it's pretty fair.

[egoldber]

The OP updated and the time commitment is actually more than she first indicated.

But more than the actual hours, to *me* the issue was the time of day. I don't really care if he's gone between 4 and 7 am ;) . But after that, it's all me for the kids. It actually bothered me more when I was a SAHM, because I was doing those morning hours by myself all week. I actually don't mind it so much now.

But if we are going to do something on the weekend as a family (zoo, festival, even shopping) then realistically, we need to be out of the house by about 11. So if he's gone until 12 or 1, that really shoots the whole day.

[Krisrich]

Thanks, Beth.

I am obviously struggling with this. The biggest problem, of course, is that I am discussing it here, instead of with DH.

Aside from that, I honestly do want DH to have an outlet and exercise. But, we also still have BABIES. It is hard to get out with two babies alone. I cannot really do anything more than go for a walk or run a very quick errand with them by myself right now. Losing an entire day which, as Beth points out, is what this turns into, is difficult. It is made more difficult by the fact that DH doesn't seem to understand this. I would not leave him alone with them for that period of time weekly- he would lose his mind. I also have job responsibilities and would love a weekend morning to myself to blow off steam but i recognize that it is simply not realistic for me at this time.

As I've said, I just wish DH would realize, on his own, that this places a real burden on me. I wish he would just be willing to take time off from soccer, even though I doubt it would ever really come to that.

[hillview]

It would depend. With our current jobs and schedule this wouldn't work for us. We both travel ~40% and so are home TOGETHER 20% and weekends are important. NOW if this wasn't the case and say he was home for dinner most nights etc. I might feel like it was ok. So it depends? If it is a go, can you get some help? Are you at risk for PPD?

You are doing a GREAT job. Really. So if maybe DH needs to take a break from this that is totally reasonable. If you need something to offset his time away (help or some time to yourself) that is also a reasonable option IMO.

Good luck!!
/hillary

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

But more than the actual hours, to *me* the issue was the time of day. I don't really care if he's gone between 4 and 7 am ;) . But after that, it's all me for the kids. It actually bothered me more when I was a SAHM, because I was doing those morning hours by myself all week. I actually don't mind it so much now.

But if we are going to do something on the weekend as a family (zoo, festival, even shopping) then realistically, we need to be out of the house by about 11. So if he's gone until 12 or 1, that really shoots the whole day.

Beth said it much more eloquently than I did. Essentially, that is the issue for me as well. Weekends are for family and if DH is gone half the day, that really limits the activities we can do together.

DH completely agrees with me on this, so it's not a big deal. I was talking with him about this thread and he said really the issue is if the 2 in a relationship don't agree, which is what you have here.

I mean, yeah, some couples don't mind doing things solo most of the time. If that works for them, great. It doesn't work for us. It seems like maybe it doesn't work for you, esepcially with 2 under 18 months!, so then that's an issue.

I've heard that the mom should take equal time the other day. How would that work, no family time during the weekend? I don't know, my DH & I really like to be doing stuff together. Afternoon is napping, then dinner, witching hour... it also works best with my kids to get going earlier, say by 10am, if we want to do something.

We're much more flexible with away time during the week as there's limited time anyways.

As it worked out, DH did something without us both days this weekend and it was totally fine as one-offs. If it was every weekend, I would have a problem with it.

[TwinFoxes]

OP, this is clearly very important to you. It doesn't matter what we all think, we can give you our perspectives, but obviously we won't be the ones alone on Sundays. Maybe you can figure out a compromise like Beth did. But I think the way to start a conversation is not with anything implying he had to stop playing. Maybe take another look at playing closer to the house? Or would an evening league work better? I really hope you come up with something. I think you both have valid points.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Hmmm, I guess I can see with 2 in 18m that I would want dh to sit out a season and I think my dh would understand. That seems reasonable.

We have late bedtimes here so the day is still going strong even after dinner time here so I tend to forget that other families aren't going out on family walks at 7:00pm like we are.

Beth

[kristenk]

You might have already answered this, but what is considered "fall" and "spring" for summer? When do the different seasons start? I'm guessing that they last longer than the actual seasons!

I will readily admit that I would have had a problem with that when my DD was that age. It's not the being gone from 9-12:45, it's the being gone from 9-12:45 every week for months at a time. I would love to say that I could have taken that in stride and DH's physical/emotional well-being was worth the 3-4 hour weekly sacrifice, but I *needed* DH to be at home when he could when DD was that young. It really is saying something about how well you're handling the newborn and toddler stages that your DH felt he could sign up without a problem.

He really should have discussed things with you before signing up for the season. Would he have been bothered if you'd signed up for a 3-hour class Sunday mornings for the next however many weeks without discussing it with him first?

[megs4413]

I agree that he should have talked to you about it first, BUT I would let him play and I would try my best to bring the kids out to watch him on sundays. JMO!

[WatchingThemGrow]

Two babies in 13 mos is HARD. I'm giving you some:applause: for having things running smoothly enough that he thinks he can play. We're having a similar issue here (different day/time/event) but I understand how it feels - just add another hard chunk of time to be by yourself caring for the DC while he's off doing something without you guys.

Unfortunately, I can't give you advice because we actually had a fight about his "not being here" and keeping up with his chores this morning. He works SO HARD every other minute of the week, but *that* is when I need him to be here pitching in. Makes me feel like the heavy when I point it out. What has been mentioned about YOU going out for a night all by yourself would likely turn into "errand night" so be careful about that one! Running around with 2 babies trying to do errands is totally no fun...I've posted about it, in fact...

I just hope you're able to really communicate with DH about how you are feeling and find a way to make you both happy. :hug: Why can't they understand that family time is important and scheduled?

I had no idea lots of soccer teams play on Sun. mornings. We're usually in church during that time, so I guess we miss out on all that.

[R2sweetboys]

I preface this by saying that I really hope that those who are replying keep in mind that the OP has a two month old and a fifteen month old right now.

OP, you have two babies and are still very much in the adjustment phase of having two kids.(let alone, two under 16 months!) It is beyond reasonable to expect DH to confer with you before making a commitment to play soccer with that type of schedule, especially at this time in your lives. I too would have been upset if my DH did this. What I'm mostly hearing from you is that you want your husband to recognize and appreciate the fact that he is able to go out and enjoy his hobby while you're home caring for the babies. I can relate as I have discovered that this is very important to me too. You don't want to be taken for granted.

I do think it is important for my husband to have his own interests. I would encourage your DH to continue with soccer as much as it reasonably works for your family. It will take compromise from both sides. I love the idea of making it a family event as PPs have suggested, but this may not be feasible until your kids are older. In the meantime, I personally feel that your DH should make some sacrifices(waiting out a season) just as you are.

[mamicka]

Spouses should always discuss these things before committing. But the time committment doesn't seem too severe that it would bother me personally. But if it bothers you, it should be taken into account by your spouse & discussed so that both parties are OK with whatever decision is made.

[California]

So many DHs underestimate how much energy and work it takes to raise very young children. It's like we're speaking a different language when we talk to them about it. My DH finally really "got it" when I put it all into general work terms. I didn't get this idea myself, but from a friend. I pass it on to anyone who is having trouble with a DH who just doesn't quite grasp that simply calling and saying, "Oh hey, I'll be out late tonight" or "I just signed up for so-and-so every Saturday for the next three months!" isn't going to go over well.


So, with my DH I first said, "Right now, my main job is raising the kids, right?" OK, he was with me so far :)

"How many hours do you work a week at your job?" (My DH has a regular hours job)

"How would you feel if you suddenly were told you had to work late every Tuesday for the next month? (Or, in your case, every Saturday morning) And your pay wasn't going to get any better? And there wouldn't be a bonus? No discussion, just this is what you have to do?"

"You wouldn't like it, right? You'd want to at least be asked about it. You'd at least want a discussion, or extra pay, or maybe extra time off on another day, right?"

"OK, so, now you know how I feel. Because my main job is watching the kids. And I just got my hours extended. Without discussion. Without a bonus. Without extra time off on another day. Doesn't feel very good."

Of course it took several conversations for this to sink in, but eventually my DH totally got it. I even get "sick days" now, and "personal health days," and any overtime is discussed :)

You have very young kids, close together, and give yourself a total pat on the back for doing an awesome job. It is just that-- a job. A wonderful, sometimes overwhelming, complicated job that deserves respect! (And from a mom with three kids who regularly leaves her DH at home with all of them-- your DH can figure out how to watch two children while you take a break. Maybe just start with a run to a coffee shop for an hour. He'll eventually figure it out!)

[sunnyside]

I personally would let it go. For me, I do everything I can to support my DBF's happiness and his work/play/family/life balance. So if he has something he wants to do, I do everything I can to support him getting to do it and he does the same for me. I may be nuts, but I look at it like this, if we can be really attentive to each others needs and allow each other to be as much who they are as possible then we'll both be happier and more likely to WANT to please the other and take care of what needs to be taken care of. In the end, I'd rather give up some things then have my BF eventually get frustrated and leave me. It would be a lot more difficult to be a single Mom than it is to just be lenient about this kind of thing.

But I am likely in the minority. I wish you the best at figuring it out. It's never easy to figure out these kinds of compromises without there being someone disappointed. :hug5:

[fumofu]

I understand your frustration, especially since your DH doesn't tell you his schedule in advance. But I think it's important for him to have an outlet. My DH plays ultimate frisbee with biweekly practices (he doesn't come home til after 10pm those days) and various tournaments every month or two. I'm jealous of and frustrated at him, that he is so dedicated to his sport. I wish I have something I am so passionate at! But he's opted to join this league that is less hardcore and committal, so if he has to miss it due to family obligations, then he will.

The benefit I get from his absence is that he is a better person outside of ultimate. He appreciates that he's able to play, and he's a lot more sane because of the sport. And when I see him play at tournaments, I see that he's really enjoying himself, and I'm proud of him.

You and DH need to figure out his schedule and optimize on your time together. Consider having your DH take care of the kids while you get some breathing time so YOU can stay sane. I have been bitter about DH being out all day, and when he comes home sometimes he'll have to work so I don't even get a word in with him. But I've learned to let go of that anger.

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

Never mind. Was getting carried away. :)


Hope you can work it out, OP!

[California]

I think we're all at least in agreement that good communication, and respect for each other's input and time, is key to a good strong working partnership. And that sounds like that what was missing in this for the original poster. We're all going to have different degrees of what we're OK with in taking on extra responsibilities with the kids while our DH's go out and play. But I bet none of us like feeling like we're being taken for granted.

[rgors]

I want to be the wife that would have no issue whatsoever, would be supportive of my DH enjoying his hobby, etc.

In reality, I am the wife that would coolly tell my DH, that it would basically be ok, but I would not be happy. I am damn tired by the weekend and I really expect to get liberal "breaks" then. The breaks are not for "me" time, the breaks are for errands, meal planning, finances, and deep house cleaning -- stuff that is far easier on the weekends when the kids can be out of my hair. Yes, I can do some of that stuff during the week, but it is HARD with two kids underfoot.

But, I do want my DH to have personal time too. I would wish it wasn't so MUCH. I know it would be for the long-term benefit of our marriage and his happiness to let him play, so I would still want him to play. But yes, I would feel put-upon. And I would certainly square away a time trade that made things "fair" for me. It wouldn't necessarily be equal in hour for hour, but I don't think equality is required for things to be "fair" in a marriage.

You have admitted having a bit of negativity towards the actual activity. Can I ask why? What is bad about soccer? What hobby would you prefer he have? A team sport with exercise and camaraderie sounds like an ideal hobby for a hubbie, to me.

I would have significant issues with his not discussing it in advance with me before signing up. I would nip that in the bud, else you'll find a continuing pattern of his oopsies that later ask forgiveness, you know?

That said -- was there really truly a chance you would have said yes, play soccer? In your post, I hear a theoretical yes in there, but I don't really get the sense that you would have ever actually said yes. Maybe DH knows that, and so he didn't ask, because he already knew the answer and didn't want to hear it. It is not as bad to apologize after a mistake of not communicating, than to directly go against the expressed wishes of your spouse, so he chose the route that would get him in slightly less trouble.

All of that aside -- really, you have your hands full now with two kids so young. BUT it will get easier soon, I promise. It's impossible to consider going to the sidelines now but your family will be able to do that sooner than you think. Also, on a tangential note, you might have to relax a bit on DC2's eventual nap schedule. I find it much harder to maintain a consistent nap schedule for DC2 than I did for DC1. This is because DC1 is always throwing a wrench into my naptime routine for DC2. Either her behavior, or her own scheduled activities, or SOMETHING. I have to be very flexible with DC2. So as long as you're being flexible with DC2, you might as well flex on over to the sidelines of the soccer field. :)

Good luck figuring this out.

[niccig]

With 2 kids the ages of your children, my response would be "that's fine, but I will be taking the same amount of time away on Sunday morning." Your DH needs some "fun" time and a sport like soccer seems fine to me, but you also need some down time. Maybe you could have a weekly yoga class or go to a coffee shop. We often think that the DH's can't care for the kids, or they want us to think they can't. 2 hours away - no one will die in that time.

DH and I have always swapped off when possible. It started when DS was 6 months old and DH was going to a bachelor party for the weekend. His uncle told him "and then Nicci will have the following weekend at a local hotel to sleep without interruption. It's only fair." I only went for 1 night, and DH was away for 2 nights, but the precedent was set. I'm still thankful to DH's uncle for telling DH that we both needed time when we're off the clock.

[kellyd]

DH has played dek hockey for for over 20 years. Pre DS he was playing in 3 different leagues and filling in for other goalies on average of 5 nights / week. When I was nearing the end of my pregnancy we discussed it. I told him I had a real problem with him being gone that much and missing out on time with our children. They're all evening games, BUT during the week he wouldn't even be home until the game was over. The dek is 1/2 way between our house and his work.(which is an hour away) Not playing wasn't an option for him, so we compromised and he plays in strictly the over 30 league and it's Sunday nights. Games can be anytime between 6-10pm he leaves an hour before, and gets home an hour after. So he's gone at least 3 hours.

I think you're right that a compromise should be occuring here. Yes it's wonderful that he enjoys something just for him, but with out reciprocating that to you, it's just not fair! I'm assuming that your DH works full time, I would point out to him that there are only a short # of years where our children actually enjoy making memories with us. We need to take advantage of that as much as we can. His soccer makes it only possible to do family outings on Saturdays, and with all of the other commitments that will occur over the years for your kids, Saturdays may wind up being their day so what does that leave for family day?

With us, I'm a SAHM who never gets a break. Not because DH won't give me one (he's great about taking over all duties when he gets home, even cooking since morning sickness is never confined to morning or just the first trimester w/ me :) ) BUT there never seems to be time for me to take with just me, or there's no money for it. My last hair appt I had to take DS w/ me... yeah that's relaxing lol!!! We've also got 2 more on the way. If things get as overwhelming as I expect them to then DH is going to have to give up hockey. He won't be happy about it, and it may only be for a short while, but the WANTS of 1 should never superceed the NEEDS of the whole family!

Ok... I'm done with this book. Hope it makes sense! and good luck to you mama!!!!!

[o_mom]

I personally would let it go. For me, I do everything I can to support my DBF's happiness and his work/play/family/life balance. So if he has something he wants to do, I do everything I can to support him getting to do it and he does the same for me. I may be nuts, but I look at it like this, if we can be really attentive to each others needs and allow each other to be as much who they are as possible then we'll both be happier and more likely to WANT to please the other and take care of what needs to be taken care of. In the end, I'd rather give up some things then have my BF eventually get frustrated and leave me. It would be a lot more difficult to be a single Mom than it is to just be lenient about this kind of thing.

But I am likely in the minority. I wish you the best at figuring it out. It's never easy to figure out these kinds of compromises without there being someone disappointed. :hug5:

I think many people here would not view this as a healthy dynamic in a relationship. I don't agree to things because I am afraid DH will leave me. That just doesn't even make the radar.

I think the OP has very valid concerns about both the time it is taking away from family and the way her DH approached it (easier to ask forgivness than permission, it seems). The kids are very young, they will grow and eventually the time won't be such an issue. He's an adult and can sit out a season or find a league that plays at a time that works for the whole family.

My DH gets up early to go to the gym several times each week. It is something he needs for his health, but not at the expense of being gone in the evenings/weekends when there is an alternative.

[rgors]

What a SUPER uncle!!

[Krisrich]

I am amazed by the amount of thought and caring that went into so many of the replies to this thread. Thank you. It was helpful and encouraging. I really needed that.

To clarify to the one poster, I do not have any negativity related to the actual sport of soccer, lol. Sorry it came off that way. Soccer is a fabulous sport that I would love my girls to play someday. I just meant to express that I have some negativity with DH's unflinching desire to continue to play soccer without fully engaging a discussion of how that fits with the needs of our family right now.

And, there was the question of whether I ever actually would have been ok with DH playing soccer, even if he had discussed it properly. Well, I think it has become obvious that I would soooo prefer it if DH would be willing to sit out a season. Or if he had taken the initiative to find something closer or in the evenings. But, I know my DH and I just don't think that that will, in the end, be a realistic option for him. He played without a thought when we had one newborn and then he played when we had an infant and I was in the third trimester of my second pregnancy. If he had brought it up earlier, I do think that the discussion would have ended with him playing, although I likely would stillnnot have been doing cartwheels about it. I am just so much more upset now, with the way things actually happened. And I am sure I won't be a very loving wife on Sunday afternoons.

It just comes down to not being taken for granted, as previously discussed. And, I do think I need to find something for me. But, there really is nothing equivalent for me to do or that I would want to do. I will be returning to work soon and I already feel guilty enough about being away from the babies while at work. I can't imagine adding 4 hours a week to that time away. But, I really do need to find a way to take care of me, too, that's for sure!

Finally, someone's DH really does have an amazing uncle! Wow! I sooo wish my DH had that kind of influence.

[sunnyside]

I think many people here would not view this as a healthy dynamic in a relationship. I don't agree to things because I am afraid DH will leave me. That just doesn't even make the radar.

I think the OP has very valid concerns about both the time it is taking away from family and the way her DH approached it (easier to ask forgivness than permission, it seems). The kids are very young, they will grow and eventually the time won't be such an issue. He's an adult and can sit out a season or find a league that plays at a time that works for the whole family.

My DH gets up early to go to the gym several times each week. It is something he needs for his health, but not at the expense of being gone in the evenings/weekends when there is an alternative.

I don't agree to things because I'm afraid he will leave me. But I do believe that divorces are more likely to happen when people are frustrated, unhappy, and resentful. And those feelings come about from people feeling like they aren't free to enjoy life and the activities they are used to. Of course everyone's situation is different, and what works for one person wont work for another. For me, I genuinely WANT my BF to do things that make him happy. I would LOVE it if he had an outlet and an activity like that that he did that helped him get exercise, socialize, have a schedule, etc. I think the OP has valid concerns as well. I guess I just lean towards always trying to come to a happy consensus that meets everyone's needs. It works really well for me.

I let my BF know when there is something that I NEED vs. WANT. It doesn't always work for me, and like everyone, we have unique challenges (mental illness and nonstandard jobs/work schedules). But I know that his contentment seems palpable when he is encouraged to take time for himself and also when he knows that I appreciate him (because I tell him). I'm no pushover, but I know that he has a good heart and great intentions and will always take care of me, so when there is something important to me, I throw it out there, but sometimes I have to let things go, just like he does.

All I meant by the comment I made before about it being easier than being single, is that I have seen a lot of relationships go sour over people feeling resentful or unable to do their thing. I don't think it's worth it for me anyway. I want my BF to be happy. When I talk to people in confidence, both men and women, a lot of what I hear is that they are nagged at and the other person is never content with them. What they give is never enough etc. My BF knows that I think the world of him, and I tell him that I appreciate him every day and thank him for the efforts he makes. He does the same for me. I want him to tell me if he is missing out on something in life or wants to carve out space for something. Of course we can't have it all, but I feel that it is very important for us both to help support the other in experiencing what they want in life.

ANyways, Sorry to go on a long tangent here, I just felt the need to clarify as I do not believe myself to be in an unhealthy relationship.

OP, I am sure that you will do what is best for your family, and I in no way mean to say that you are asking for too much or anything like that. I just only meant to say that if it is something that is very important to your DH, worth him sacrificing something else (you going to yoga or something), then maybe it's worth taking another look at. Best of luck. :hug5: