HELP: We just found out our baby's gender...why do I feel so bad?

[creativelightbulb]

Ok - I could really use a pep talk from the BBB family ...

We just found out we are expecting a little girl...

DH already has an 11 year old DD from a previous relationship...

So he of course had his heart set on a little boy...

Me - I've always imagined myself with a little boy simply because I was always the "anti-girly" of my three sisters...so much so I've always been teased that I was their brother...

Yes, I DO know that the important thing is that she appears to be healthy...

sooooooooo why am I sitting at my desk feeling sooo bad right now...

and my DH has already said he is gonna get a vasectomy cause he didn't want to have three girls....part of me thinks he was joking...the other part thinks he wasn't...

now THAT didn't make me feel any better right now...uggggggh

does this mean I'm gonna be a sucky mother to my DD...pls. tell me this feeling will pass...

[maestramommy]

Yes, it's normal, and yes you will get over it:hug: I was momentarily devastated when I found out Arwyn was a girl. Partly because her pregnancy was so different, I was sure we were having a boy. Dh wasn't as bothered by it, although I knew he thought a boy would be fun. We both got over it, and now I canNOT imagine not having Arwyn.

By the time we had Laurel we didn't care. I was reading about losses and difficulties everywhere, and just wanted a normal healthy baby.

[jayali]

Nope not a sucky mother at all. Just someone who may have had a preference for certain reasons. Doesn't mean you won't be COMPETELY and TOTALLY in love with your little girl. Just means you had a different idea of the outcome.

I have a little boy and was SURE I was having a girl. I wasn't hoping for a girl, was just sure I was having one. Long story short there are times when I long for a little girl and there are times that I am sure God knew exactly what he was doing when he gave us a boy.

Congratulations on your little girl.

[maylips]

You are not a bad person. Don't feel bad.

And yes, it will pass.

I always wanted all boys and was disappointed when I found out our first was a girl. I also had an older brother so at minimum I wanted a boy first. What I learned was that was yet another example of how I couldn't control my life once I had kids! She was bound and determined to make me pay for thinking I could plan out everything how *I* wanted it.

Anyway, this post isn't about me, but know that others have felt this way too. And it lasted awhile for me, too - like when people asked me what I was having, it was hard to not sound disappointed when I said "a little girl." But man, I love that kid now.

[Kymberley]

It will pass, and you'll love your DD and be a great Mama. I wanted a girl so bad, it was crazy. I had convinced myself that my daughter was on her way, I was desperately trying to figure out her name, I was beginning to shop for clothes. Then I had the US, and saw my little man. I cried. I felt cheated, to be honest. Eventually, I grew very excited about my DS. I wouldn't change a thing now! :grouphug:

[pinkmomagain]

It will just take a little time to adjust is all. We had two girls and then several years later we had a surprise pregnancy. Of course, dh was hoping for a boy (I wanted another girl). We got the call that it was a girl!!! It took a few days for dh to "absorb" it. Let me tell you he absolutely ADORES her! And she is actually the most sporty one of all our girls. Pretty soon he's taking her to soccer on saturday mornings -- Daddy/daughter bonding time.

Congratulations and good luck with your pregnancy!

[momof2girls]

You must beleive this was meant to be. This child will bring you such joy. I've never met a parent who wished to change the child they ended up having and you will be no different. Be happy she is all yours to love!

[lilycat88]

I was on the verge of tears for days when we found out this baby was a boy. I couldn't even say "it's a boy" without a huge lump in my throat. DH and I were both absolutely convinced that this baby was another girl. I never in my life saw myself as the mother of a boy....never. DH is really happy but would have been thrilled either way. Don't kick yourself for being disappointed. That was as much an issue with me as the fact that I wanted another girl. I was upset and angry at myself for not being happy it was a boy. Time has tempered things and, while I'm still not "over the top" happy, I'm getting there and seeing more positives than negatives now. Let yourself be upset and as your pregnancy progresses, it will mellow and you'll be excited.

[AnnieW625]

:grouphug: This is part of the reason I did not find the sex out with this baby. At the beginning I would've been estatic if I was told I was having a boy because the baby we lost was most likely a girl (the birth defect it had was way more common in girls than boys) and although we did tests early on at 13 weeks and had an u/s at 18 weeks and everything showed up fine it really took me a long time to come to peace with the fact that I could have another girl. Now we have 6-7 weeks left and I am fine with waiting. Again good luck and like the other PPs have said the phase will pass.

[citymama]

It will pass. You will fall in love with this little girl the minute you see her. It is totally normal but believe me that the person you give birth to will totally steal your (and your DH's heart)! Plus girl's clothes shopping is sooo much fun. ;) Congrats!

[giavila]

Totally normal. It will definitely pass. I actually cried when I found out I was having a third girl. It took maybe a few days to get over it. And now, I wouldn't have it any other way..

[California]

Another vote for "totally normal." If possible, I highly recommend getting a 3D ultrasound when the baby's bigger. Helps with some early bonding when you can "see" a glimpse of the baby.

[wencit]

:hug:

I cried in the delivery room when DS2 was born and DH said, "It's a boy!" (We didn't find out the gender during pregnancy.) I *thought* I was fine with either gender and actually spent the entire pregnancy thinking it was a boy, but the reality of it hit me pretty hard. The nurse even asked me if I was crying tears of joy, and while they WERE joyous, there was also some sadness and disappointment in there, too.

Fast forward to today. DS2 is now 8 months old, and is the cutest little thing ever. This morning, as I saw him playing with DS1, I thought to myself, "I am truly happy I've got 2 adorable little boys." That's not to say that a part of me won't always feel a slight twinge of something when I see a baby girl, but I can honestly say I'm happy now. It will take some time, but you'll get there, too.

[goldenpig]

:grouphug:

Totally normal to have feelings of disappointment when things are different than you expected. The first thing I did when I found out I was pregnant with #2 is to buy a matching set of "Big Sister" and "Little Sister" shirts. It didn't even occur to me as a possibility that I could have a boy! When I found out we were having a boy, I was sad and worried. I even posted about it here:

http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=334398

Well, he's here now and he's just perfect. Wouldn't trade him for anyone. DD totally dotes on her little brother, she's always hugging him and kissing him. I still sometimes think about whether she'll ever get to have a sister, but for now I think we're probably done and that's OK.

Gender disappointment is real and doesn't make you a bad mother. AND you will fall in love with your baby girl and everything will be fine, even if it takes a while to come to terms. Some things that helped me bond are buying some clothes for the new baby, getting a 3D ultrasound to see his face, picking a name in advance (actually DD picked it), and talking to moms of other boys. There's also a website/forum that was interesting to read--although I don't think I was as disappointed as others on that board, it was still helpful to see that it is pretty common and normal:
http://www.in-gender.com/Gender_Disappointment/

Don't let anyone make you feel bad about your feelings. Hope you have a safe and healthy pregnancy and delivery. Good luck and congrats on your upcoming baby girl! And just because she's a girl doesn't mean she won't be sporty, a tomboy, etc. just like you!

[mamicka]

Totally normal. Be gentle with yourself. You will have a wonderful little girl & you & your DH will be OK.

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

Totally normal. Be gentle with yourself. You will have a wonderful little girl & you & your DH will be OK.

Well said!

[ellies mom]

I was really bummed when I found out our second was a girl. I had really hoped for a boy. But like everyone else, I wouldn't have it any other way now.

What helped me was to buy some wonderful "girly" yarn and knit up a few things for her. I also went out and bought a sweet outfit that I loved. It knid of helped me get into the spirit of having another girl and long before the baby came along, I was pretty excited to be having two daughters.

[mudder17]

:hug: :hug: :hug: As others have said, it's totally normal. In the end, you will totally love this baby and you won't be able to imagine it any other way. It may take some time, and you may still feel that touch of sadness when you think of what might have been, but the day will come when you will realize it was exactly as it should be. Be gentle with yourself and let go of the feelings of guilt.

[Jo..]

I wanted a daughter so badly...so did my husband. We were convinced that our first and only child would be a girl.

Lo and behold, our girl had a penis.


We love adore and cherish him. I could not imagine life without him. He is my constant companion, and my second-best friend (after my husband).

We did wind up going back for #2, but at that point we were mixed on whether we "wanted" a boy or a girl. We DID get our girl, but it would have been okay either way.

Your feelings are normal.

You will love your daughter with a ferocity you never dreamed possible.

[1964pandora]

Very normal. Definitely don't beat yourself up. When I heard, "it's a boy," I felt a moment of disappointment/confusion/other because I knew nothing about boys and could only imagine a girl. That all passed very quickly and I love the world of boys. The same will happen for you the other way around.

[megs4413]

It will pass! I was bummed when I found out DD would be a girl, because I was so non-girly, but I wouldn't trade her for ANYthing now. I was bummed about DS because I wanted DD to have a sister, and now I'm THRILLED that I didn't get what I wanted. God has a way of giving you exactly what you need, whether you knew it or not. HUGS!

[AshleyAnn]

Hugs! I felt that way when I had my lvl 2 for DD. DH and I were having SERIOUS issues and I knew he wanted a son very very badly and I wanted one on his behalf hoping it would help some of his 'readjustment problems' (military family). I was disappointed as soon as I spotted the classic 3 lines on the screen. I held it together long enough to get in the car then I bawled for days. Then I started buying her clothes. Her clothes are AWESOME. I adore waking up every morning to pick out a new outift and deciding what onsie to put under her regular outfit and then finding the just right socks and bow. I actually struggle with deciding what clothes to put her in because she has so many great ones even if we arent going anywhere I want her to be adorable. Girls are fun because you can put them in blue jammies or pink jammies. She may be a tomboy just like you. I was a huge tomboy and I assume DD will be too. At least I hope so.

[creativelightbulb]

Thanks so much everyone. I cried at my desk...then cried on my easier than normal commute home (small miracles). I walked in - dropped my bags and crawled in the bed to nap for an hour. I just woke up - eyes dry from tears but I DO feel better...lighter...and reading your responses have helped me feel normal. Tomorrow - I think I'll hop on the metro after work and go buy baby girl a really cute outfit....Thanks again :grouphug:

[Melaine]

ITA with pps, the feeling is normal, no big deal, and will pass. I was actually quite disappointed when I found out we were having two girls. It was our 3rd ultrasound and the Dr. had really thought it was a boy and a girl. I had pretty much decided that would be so PERFECT that I was really kind of sad. But now when I remember that brief time of disappointment, it makes me laugh. Because it is SO 4 years ago and it is SO not relevant. Once you see your precious girl you will realize that it couldn't have ever been any other way. She is your child and you will be a great mother. There is no reason to feel guilty or worried. Just get excited about planning and don't give any more thought to it. Congrats on your girl!

[jse107]

I just want to echo what everyone has said. Your feelings don't make you a bad person--you're going to be a great mom! In a couple years you'll be responding in the same way to a post like this!