How to help a friend who miscarried?

[twowhat?]

My very good friend lost her baby in her second trimester. I'm so upset for her, and she is torn apart. What is the best way to help?? I told her we would be sure to remember this baby on his/her due date but how can I help her cope with the whole grieving process right now?

[jse107]

Send a sympathy card. Be there to talk with her. Offer to make some meals for her.

[sunshine873]

Sorry for your friend. The grieving process is really just something different for everyone. I'd recommend to just try to follow her lead. Let her know that you're available to talk, or just sit around if she wants. Keep in mind that in the very beginning she is on hormone overload and it will take some time before her body fully realizes she's not pregnant...so she may have some "out there" feelings for a few days or weeks, which is really quite normal.

[tmarie]

This happened to my friend last year. I cooked her a meal about 10 days after her d&c. Her family was great about providing her with meals the first week or so, so that was just about the time she was ready for more help. She seemed really grateful. For at least a month she was really tired and sore. Also, I just tried to call her and see how she was doing a lot. Depending on the day, she did or didn't feel like talking about it. I tried to be sensitive and follow her lead. I haven't had one so I couldn't imagine what she was going through, but I've read (it might have been on this bb!) that it is frustrating when people just act like it never happened, after the first month or so. Hope your friend feels better soon.

tmarie

[AnnieW625]

So sorry for your friends loss. I would bring a meal, send a card, and email instead of call. Last year if it wasn't about work, DD, or Jr. League it took me a good month to want to talk on the phone to anyone I was close because the phone just brought out too many emotions for me. Just be there for her and don't be hurt if you do call and she doesn't want to return a phone call right away.

[Minnifer]

but I've read (it might have been on this bb!) that it is frustrating when people just act like it never happened, after the first month or so.

This. Even from the beginning a lot of people act like it never happened, or like it's no big deal - since it wasn't a real, living child it shouldn't be a big deal to go through. They also say incredibly stupid things like, oh, you can have another, or, well, it shows that you *can* get pregnant so that's great, etc etc. And like the pp said, even if people are sympathetic, it's often only for a short time - then the woman is supposed to just get over it and move on. The thing is, a pg loss, at whatever stage, is the loss of a child, and while a woman will eventually move forward, she won't "get over" it or ever forget.

IMHO the best thing you can do is just be there for her and be aware of all of the above - like a pp poster said, take your cues from her but try to be encouraging of her sharing, if she's up for it - part of the problem is that there are still a lot of taboos and misunderstandings around pg loss and b/c of this, women are afraid to talk about it for fear of being misunderstood, shot down, having feelings diminished, etc. It's often easier for a woman just to retreat into herself and suffer on her own, feeling like no one really gets what she's going through, and then that makes it even harder and more isolating of an experience.

[icunurse]

Been there. For me, I really appreciated anyone who acknowledged my loss (whether card or email or flowers) instead of avoiding it. I also appreciated the restaurant gift card from my co-workers (I had been on complete bedrest for many weeks before my loss and they "got" that I wasn't up to cooking, yet needed to break out of the house)

[clc053103]

been there too. I also appreciated emails, calls- anything that acknowledged the loss- except phone calls b/c it was very hard to talk about. Let her call your first when she is ready to talk.

As for what NOT to do- do not quote early miscarriage rates as in "my doctor warned me 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage before 12 weeks". Still remember the person who said that to me- to me she might as well have said "oh it was a risk, it's not uncommon, get over it".

[ged]

also, since you mentioned a second trimester loss, that suggests she may have actually delivered and saw her child? i am not trying to diminish anyone's losses, but as someone who has had a first trimester miscarriage AND a second trimester loss (going through labor, delivering, seeing child, recovering from delivery, etc), I have to say that for me personally, the loss in the second trimester was much more difficult. so, i just mention it to make you aware in case that is the case. it is easy for others to "minimize" the loss at hand. i found myself wanting to explain all the details (b/c people just weren't able to wrap their minds around it), but at the same time, had no energy to do so.

but in short, i also agree that emails are the way to go. i had a hard time talking on the phone. if you can send things as well...flowers, card, chocolate, whatever she likes, that would be nice.

if you can also remember the date of her loss, and/or her child's original due date...a follow-up from you at an anniversary may be appreciated.

[jayali]

Sorry for your friend's loss.

BTDT and what I learned is that grieving is so very personal. It sounds like your friend wants people to acknowledge the loss so you should do that. Then, other then the meal suggestions, I would follow her lead. If she wants to talk about it then listen. If she wants to grieve personally and move on, then a simple note is always nice.

I was amazed, when we miscarried, that NO ONE (except for a cousin) in DH family acknowledged our loss. I was FURIOUS. Then my SIL told me at a later date that she "instructed" the family not to mention the baby or send notes, because when she went throuh her miscarriage she hated it when people brought it up. To which I replied "I wish someone would have asked what our 'instructions' were."

It was at that moment that I realized how very personal the grieving process is. So while we all struggle with how to comfort our friends during the grieving process I usually follow their lead.

[AnnieW625]

Also feel your friend out and don't cut her out of anything that has been previously planned like a MNO or a friends baby shower. I got cut out of a baby shower about two months after the loss and it was really hard and it would've been much easier had I just been invited to the shower too, I still would've had a good time.

[ged]

Sorry for your friend's loss.

I was amazed, when we miscarried, that NO ONE (except for a cousin) in DH family acknowledged our loss. I was FURIOUS. Then my SIL told me at a later date that she "instructed" the family not to mention the baby or send notes, because when she went throuh her miscarriage she hated it when people brought it up. To which I replied "I wish someone would have asked what our 'instructions' were."

It was at that moment that I realized how very personal the grieving process is. So while we all struggle with how to comfort our friends during the grieving process I usually follow their lead.


I know how that feels. My own parents refused to address the situation and seemed shocked when I brought up my hurt feelings about it later. I want to be upset at them, but you are right, everyone does cope with loss differently. If only we could read each other's minds...

[twowhat?]

also, since you mentioned a second trimester loss, that suggests she may have actually delivered and saw her child? i am not trying to diminish anyone's losses, but as someone who has had a first trimester miscarriage AND a second trimester loss (going through labor, delivering, seeing child, recovering from delivery, etc), I have to say that for me personally, the loss in the second trimester was much more difficult.

It was an early-ish/mid 2nd trimester loss. Early enough that they hope no intervention is required. Late enough that no one would have thought it would happen. I don't want to post too many details because I'm always paranoid:) But I know it will be hard for her. I hope she will not have to deliver the baby. Thanks for all the suggestions. I will offer to make meals and just try to be available but wow, it sucks. I've been fortunate to not have experienced this in my life, but I really feel for those of you who have.

For those who have experienced losses, did you find it helpful to receive something on the anniversary of loss/child's original due date? Which would be better?

[jent]

Thanks for starting this thread, a friend of mine is going through something similar too.


For those who have experienced losses, did you find it helpful to receive something on the anniversary of loss/child's original due date? Which would be better?

Yes, I would like to know this too. I would worry that even just doing something like the above might just re-open a wound, though-- one of those situations where I'm not sure what to say, so I just don't say anything.

[wolverine2]

The nicest thing someone did for me was my neighbor who went out and got me flowers the afternoon I got home from the hospital for the D&C. It was just so nice to have the loss acknowledged, and flowers were a wonderful way of doing that. She didn't stay to talk, and I wasn't ready to talk to her, but it was so sweet. Mine were a mid-late 1st trimester losses, I can't even imagine how difficult a 2nd trimester loss would be.

[carolinamama]

I had an early 2nd trimester loss a few years ago. It was after we thought all was going to be well and it was a very wanted child. It was really hard for me and especially when people didn't mention it or danced around the topic. It helped to get cards, emails, and calls (I didn't answer the phone for awhile, but I appreciated the messages).

As others have said, the grieving process will be different for everyone. I need support (which I figured out after the fact) but others may want to grieve in private. It really helped me to talk to people who had been through a m/c and to hear that they made it through. I still think about that baby almost every day so I think that remembering the baby on his/her due date would be appreciate in my case. It wouldn't be stirring up bad memories for me since I carry the memory of my child with me daily, but would be acknowledging the baby and my feelings. Hope that made sense.

P&PT for your friend.

[ged]

For those who have experienced losses, did you find it helpful to receive something on the anniversary of loss/child's original due date? Which would be better?

Again, it will probably depend on the person, but for me, because I delivered my son and saw him, that day will always be the date for me, since that date became his birthday and date of loss. I was also sad on my expected due date , but when the birth/loss date rolled around again for me earlier this month, it was much more difficult.

However,I have a friend who had recently a first trimester miscarriage and for her, the expected due date seemed to be quite difficult for her. Come to think of it, for my 1st tri miscarriage as well, the expected due date was hard. Since I never quite saw my baby, the expected due date was a painful reminder that all the expectations and hopes I had at the beginning of my pregnancy were not going to be realized. You know,a lot of what ifs...and thoughts like, oh, my baby would be 1 year old today, etc.

ETA: And for me, I don't think I needed a material gift on those days, but a simple heartfelt acknowledgment would have been appreciated.

[infocrazy]

For those who have experienced losses, did you find it helpful to receive something on the anniversary of loss/child's original due date? Which would be better?

Yes, we got a card from one friend, a call from my SIL, and a memory box from my best friend on DS3's due date. Our parents didn't even comment. I think a lot of people think it's helpful to not mention it because they don't want to remind you...only it's not like we've forgotten. It meant a whole lot to me/us, the people who remembered. It honestly, didn't even have to be more than a phone call, just to know that they were thinking of him too.

His birthday is in a few weeks. I really hope our family remembers but I pretty much expect the same as his due date.

[kmm]

Unfortunately I've been there and done that a few times. Everyone does grieve differently. Personally, I really appreciated cards and e-mails. It was too difficult to talk about and I felt it was a very personal matter. Don't mention anything about the miscarriage at the person's workplace. It is hard enough just getting through the days without anyone mentioning the loss. Never take it personally if your friend doesn't want to talk about it or even respond to you. Even though people meant well, the worst things I heard were "At least you know you can get pregnant" or "Lots of women have miscarriages".

[JBaxter]

Unfortunately I've been there and done that a few times. Everyone does grieve differently. Personally, I really appreciated cards and e-mails. It was too difficult to talk about and I felt it was a very personal matter. Don't mention anything about the miscarriage at the person's workplace. It is hard enough just getting through the days without anyone mentioning the loss. Never take it personally if your friend doesn't want to talk about it or even respond to you. Even though people meant well, the worst things I heard were "At least you know you can get pregnant" or "Lots of women have miscarriages".

This is how I felt. 7/10/1989 ( 16 weeks) and 6/8/2005 ( 9 weeks) are still sad days. I just needed time to deal with it on my own. I HATED to hear people say .... I know how you feel or it was all for the best. Leave a message or send a card. I just really really didnt want to talk.