How do you handle OTHER people's DC? (LONG)

[truly scrumptious]

We took DS to an indoor play area today and had an experience which neither DH nor I really knew how to handle.

There was another child (I'm guesstimating around 4/5 years old) there who seemed very enamored of DS (who is 18 mo.) He decided he wanted to "play" with DS, which seemed fine at first, but then it got weird. He started to try to get DS to walk in a particular direction by putting his hands on DS's shoulders and directing him. I could tell DS was resisting, but he didn't get upset or anything - just didn't want to be (gently) pushed around. Then I showed DS Elmo, and he hugged Elmo, at which point this boy came up and snatched Elmo away. I made a comment - "He was playing with that." But DS didn't seem to mind too much, and moved on to something else. Every time he would pick up a toy, this child would take it out of his hands, but then try to make DS play with it in a different way (e.g. he started putting stuffed animals on DS's head, which really started to annoy him, so I stepped in and said - "Let's not do that any more. He doesn't like it.") Eventually DH or I were commenting on almost everything the kid was trying to do with DS, so he'd do something and then look at us for a reaction. I finally started deliberately directing DS away from anything this child was involved in, and the kid got bored and went off to bother someone else. Throughout this, I didn't know where his mom was. DH told me later he saw her sitting off to one side while her kid was bothering other kids and she wasn't doing or saying anything to him.

DS goes to daycare and is used to being around bigger kids (but still within the 15 mo - 2.9 yr age group) and doesn't get intimidated or anything. The child wasn't hurting him - in fact he was physically very gentle - but he was being aggressive by snatching toys, not allowing DS to go in the directions he wanted, etc. and it made us very uncomfortable - it felt like passive-aggressive bullying. If he had been hurting DS (intentionally or unintentionally) I would have had no problem stepping in, but I found it hard to find the fine line between "playing" with DS and "bullying".

DH and I just felt so unprepared to handle the situation. It seemed our reactions to the kid's behavior just fueled it (as in he'd look for other more creative ways to annoy DS, trying to see where we'd draw the line.)

Now, DS at 18 mo is starting to test our limits, so we're very familiar with the concept, but we are TOTALLY unprepared to do it for other people's kids. (In fact, I was a bit annoyed, thinking that it is HIS parents' job to be teaching him his limits, not mine. Why was I doing their job for them today?) The other problem was that the kid was older than DS and at a totally different stage developmentally. As first time parents, we are basically learning as we go along - which means we are just about now learning what 18-24 mo development entails. There is no way we're prepared to handle a 4/5 y.o.

So how do you handle situations like this? Am I expected to set limits for other people's DC? If I had seen his mom, I probably would have said something to her, but she was off in a corner and totally uninvolved. What do you do in a situation like this?

[TwinFoxes]

This has happened to me before. My pop psychology conclusion is the older kid is kind of role playing what he thinks is grown-up behavior. Your DS is the baby, the 4yo is the adult. It's just a game. I think saying "stop, he doesn't like it" is totally fine. If it gets out of hand, picking your DS up and moving should nip things in the bud.

In defense of the other mom, it probably just looked like normal playing.

My feelings would be different if the other child were mean or aggressive, which has also happened to our girls :(

[truly scrumptious]

In defense of the other mom, it probably just looked like normal playing.

My feelings would be different if the other child were mean or aggressive, which has also happened to our girls :(

Thanks.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that with your girls :hug:

I think the fact that the kid WASN'T being aggressive was what made it so hard for us - we just watched DS very closely and said something as soon as he seemed annoyed (since he can't verbally defend himself yet.)

It could have looked like normal play to his mom, but at one point this child was putting enormous stuffed animals (twice the size of my DS) on DS's head. I am super careful when DS plays with smaller babies, reminding him to be gentle, etc., but that is also partly because at 18 mo, he doesn't know physical limits yet, and touching/pushing/hitting can all be the same to him. I guess I expected this kid's mom to have a similar attitude to him playing with a littler one, but maybe when DS is 4 I'll let him self-limit too.

[DrSally]

We've had this exact same situation happen. We were at a small indoor playspace in a mall and there was a 4 year old boy who was following DD (18 mo) around and getting in her way everytime she tried to do something, stopping her from playing with certain things, interacting, but in a bossy way, etc. It was like he liked her, but was interacting like an annoying older brother, to the max. They were the only 2 kids in the play area, and luckily the grandfather kept correcting him and trying to keep him from getting in DD's face too much. If he hadn't done so, I prob would've physically stepped in between the 2 in a way that called attention to the situation, so that hopefully the parent would step in.

[TwinFoxes]

at one point this child was putting enormous stuffed animals (twice the size of my DS) on DS's head.
Yeah, that doesn't sound cool at all. The mom should have stopped that. :irked:

[lalasmama]

2 summers ago, when La was 4, we had a similar issue. A kid who was probably 7yo approached and started playing with La. I didn't think "much" of it, because it was a big playground. After like 10 minutes, the girl was holding La's hand, snuggling up to her as they played in the rocks, encouraging her to play "mommy and daddy". I stopped that, because I could see an odd dynamic between La and this kid, and I didn't like it. But when she told La to come over to where her family was, and that she could have ice cream, I flat out told the girl that was not okay. So the girl brought her over a hot dog. I told the girl she needed to take that back over to her area, that it was not okay to give kids food without asking adults if it was okay. The kid eased up for a while, and then invited La to go swing. La knew the swings were off limits (too far away from our area, where we were having a family reunion). The girl told her that it was okay since she was with her (WTH??). At that point, in front of the child, I told La that she needed to find someone else to play with, and that she wouldn't be allowed to play with this specific child anymore. The girl seemed more mad than sad, and then proceeded to tell me that "the swings are just over there and she should get to go". I told the kid to go play elsewhere, and encouraged La to go find one of her cousins.

Normally, I'm not that mean/rude, but I AM THE MOM, and I will go Mama-Bear on anyone, including a rude little 7 year old who doesn't have any adults making her behave!

Now, at my house, all my friends know that I will correct, redirect, or otherwise tell their child/ren how to behave if necessary! I've had a friend's kid throw a temper tantrum because I told him no, he wasn't allowed to walk around my house with a plate of spagetti at 3yo, and when I escorted him back to his seat, a tantrum ensued. Hey, its my house, if you aren't going to make your kids follow the rules, then I will! His mom later laughed about it and said "you run a tight ship". (Yes I do!)

[Tondi G]

BTDT and I think you handled it well. There is nothing wrong with sticking up for your child when he isn't verbal enough to do so for himself.

Not too long ago I was in a best buy and my 4 year old really wanted to check out the nintendo DS that was on display. There was a little boy, probably 5 or 6 playing with it. He really didn't understand how to play but he wasn't willing to give up the DS. Another older girl came over and was watching him and then he willingly offered it to her. My DS got preoccupied with something else for a little bit and when the other kid walked away from the DS he started over to it. The kid saw him coming from the corner of his eye and raced back to the DS and then smiled a really nasty little smile. I stepped up and told him what he was doing is called teasing and that it isn't very nice. I asked him how he would feel if a child bigger than him did the same thing? His mom got pissed, guess she overheard me talking to her child and then she and her husband yelled profanities at me ... in front of their own child and mine. I told them I understood why their child behaved the way he did. They didn't like that either cause her brave husband flipped me the bird as he walked away. All I know is that they were VERY lucky that my husband was caught up in the tv department cause he wouldn't have liked all that.... chances are if my husband had been standing next to me her husband wouldn't have even opened his mouth!

I am always on top of my kids when we are out... at play places, parks etc. Some parents just don't keep tabs on their children. If you need to step in to protect your child then you have every right. I have no problems telling a child that I don't like a particular behavior if it is involving my own child. If their parent has a problem with it then so be it!

[SnuggleBuggles]

Sometimes I don't bite my tongue well with other people's kids and would have done what you did, like saying not to take the toy b/c ds was playing with it or that ds didn't what to go over there. If they weren't annoying me too much then I'd be super nice about it with pleases, thank yous and other nice things. If they were doing something to hurt my ds or really not listening then I wouldn't be mean but I would be firm and would remove us from the situation.

My kid's health, safety and happiness is my job and I'll do what I need to make sure those are met.

Beth

[JTsMom]

It's so annoying when that sort of thing happens. I try to stay right on top of what DS is doing, especially if he's interacting with another child, and doubly so if the other child is younger. Sometimes he can be a little bossy (I have NO idea where he gets it from :innocent:), although nowhere near the extent that you described, but I immediately intervene if I see that sort of thing happening.

I think you handled the situation well, and although it's not your job to teach the other child, it is your job to protect your DC, and you did just that. I've worked with a lot of other people's kids over the years, so re-directing other kids doesn't really phase me for the most part, and 9 times out of 10, everything works out well.

[KrisM]

We've had this too and I think the parent thinks it's "cute" behavior.

There is a boy in DD's preschool class who is already 5 and will go to K next year. He loves DS2 (20 months). At pickup, if it's nice, we'll get there early and DS2 will play a bit on the outdoor stuff. This boy is always trying to "help" him and it really just gets in the way.

One day, he was trying to "help" him walk out the door and DD had run ahead of me. I was yelling for her to stop, but she was ignorning me and was going out the door to the parking lot with her friends. I was behind the other mom and DS2 and this boy trying to get out the door and yelling over their heads. The mom did nothing as I'm trying to also tell DS2 to hurry up that we have to run for DD. Finally I was able to push through her and her son and grab DS2 and run for DD. It really irritated me that this "cute" behaviour wasn't stopped when clearly it needed to be.

Other times, I do exactly what you do with the comments and feel like I'm policing the other child constantly. DS2 isn't fond of it at all.

[truly scrumptious]

Thank you, ladies.
Your comments really gave me perspective - although it's not my job to police someone else's child, protecting DS is. Beth's comment about protecting his safety AND his happiness really hit home - if the other child was upsetting him (even if he was trying to play, be cute, etc.) it is still okay for me to step in.

I wasn't rude or mean to the child, and prefaced my comments with "Please" etc. - after all, it isn't the child's fault - they are learning, too, and depend on adults to set limits, etc. In some cases, like with the child teasing Tondi's DS, the child may be acting up because of something he sees at home, or his parents not setting limits.

Hopefully the next time I have a situation like this, I won't be caught off-guard. I'll try to keep my eye on the main goal - protecting DS's happiness - and try to interact with the child the way I would want other parents to treat DS if he were doing something inappropriate.

[gatorsmom]

So how do you handle situations like this? Am I expected to set limits for other people's DC? If I had seen his mom, I probably would have said something to her, but she was off in a corner and totally uninvolved. What do you do in a situation like this?

I can guarantee that this won't be the last time a situation like this occurs. Nearly everytime we go to a public playplace or park type setting where there are other kids playing, I very often have to gently (and sometimes not so gently) direct other peoples' children so as to protect my kids.

If the other parent isn't paying any attention and not doing anything to prevent it, then yes, I think as gently as possible you have to continue to redirect their attention and teach them how to play nicely with your child. So, you really aren't setting limits for their children, you are setting limits of what's acceptable for play with YOUR children.

First time or not, honestly, it doesn't matter the number of times it happens, I am never comfortable correcting someone else's child. I think you did just fine.

[JTsMom]

You know what else I think helps? If you look at it as you are being your own DC's voice- does that make sense?

DS will mostly stick up for himself at this point, but when he was younger, he was a late-talker, and kind of shy about saying, "Stop", so I'd say it for him. I think that in addition to protecting them in that moment, it also helps to teach them to do it for themselves. You can even phrase it that way if it helps you feel more comfortable. I'd say things like, "Jason, tell him, 'Please stop doing that. It's hurting my head.'" When he got a little older, we even practiced at home before we'd go somewhere where I thought it would be an issue.