Am I crazy for feeling this way? (long, sorry)

[JoyNChrist]

I'm going to attempt to keep this as concise as possible.

We're in the market to buy a new house before the twins arrive, as our current home is 2bed/1bath and that just won't work. We signed a buy/sale agreement on our house last weekend and plan to close by the end of May, if everything goes well with our buyers (which it seems that it will). We were over at DH's grandparents' house Sunday for dinner with the family, and we were just talking with MIL, BIL, etc about what kind of house we're looking for and what we've seen, etc. Well, DH's grandmother pulled me aside a little while later and asked if we could come back up to their house Monday night for dinner because they had "something they'd like to discuss with us."

So we go back Monday evening, and it turns out that they've put it in their will that DH and I will receive their house and land when they pass away. It has always been Grandma's desire that a "our last name" live in that house after them. They have one son (FIL) who has a large place of his own and doesn't want it, and that son has two sons (BIL & DH), and BIL just built a huge house on 20 acres. So we're basically the only "our last name" left to inherit who would actually want to live on the property. Which, ya know, is awesome and generous and all that.

(Oh, and they did tell us that before they revised the will, they talked to FIL and their two daughters - one who lives in Texas and another who lives in the same area - and they were okay with it.)

But then she said, "It really doesn't make sense for y'all to buy a big expensive home now, when Grandpa and I won't be around much longer" (they're both in their mid-70's). So they made us an offer - we buy the house and land from them for enough money to build them a smaller house on an acre of land that adjoins the property. This is a heck of a deal. FIL is a contractor and DH and BIL both worked with him for years, so building the grandparents a small house will cost us way less than our original house-buying budget. And the house (4bed, 3bath) and land appraised for a significant amount of money (like, 3x our budget) a few years ago when they remodeled it. The grandparents are set as far as retirement and all that goes, so I'm not worrying that we'd be stealing their nest egg or anything like that.

However, I'm hesitant (although of course I'm super duper grateful and this is so sweet and generous of them, and I would never seriously consider saying no). Here's my pro/con list:

PROS
- It's an amazing deal. The house is beautiful, it's on 30 acres of land (important to DH), there's a stocked pond, a playhouse, the gardens are gorgeous, etc. We would have plenty of space for our growing family.

- If they're already planning to leave it to us anyway, it makes sense to get it now instead of buying a house now and then having to sell it in however many years (hopefully a lot because we want the grandparents to live forever!). It would be nice to be settled in the place where we know we'll be living for a long time.

- It's where we want to live. The property is in DH's hometown (about 30 minutes from my hometown, which is where we live now). Almost all of our family would be within 30 minutes from us, so we'd have lots of help. The schools and community are better there than where we live now.

- The Big One: This is DH's dream. His grandpa and dad built that house, and DH, BIL, and FIL remodeled it about 6 years ago. There's a lot of family history there (the land has been in Grandpa's family for generations). When Grandma first mentioned it to us DH was literally speechless - he's been talking about nothing else ever since. This would absolutely thrill him.

CONS
- If we move there, we're stuck there. We can't ever sell the property - I can't even imagine how big of a family feud that would cause. We never really planned to move away anyway (DH has a lot of job security here and all of our family is in this area), but it's just scary to me to cement our future like that at this point in our lives.

- Going along with the first one, what if something (God forbid) were to happen to DH? It would be so weird for me to continue living in the family home, especially if I were to one day remarry or something. So what happens then? Weird to think about (I mean, we're in our 20s), but it's something to consider.

- The grandparents will be right next door. In a way this is a good thing, since we don't have all the time in the world left with them and it would be nice for our kids to get to know their great-grandparents while they're still around. But on the other hand, I have a feeling they could quickly get on my nerves - stopping by all the time, calling for help with this and that, etc. Not that I don't want them to be a part of our lives...I just don't know if I want them to be THAT big of a part of our lives. ;)

- I'm worried that, as long as they're alive, it won't really be my house. Like there are some remodeling-type things I'd like to do...I don't know if that will bother them or whatever. For example, Grandpa built all the cabinets in that house. They're in great shape, but the finish on them is terrible - I would want to paint or re-stain them. I don't know how they would feel about that, or if it would be a big deal.

I just don't know...this has all come out of left field within the past week. I haven't really discussed any of this with DH because a) he's so excited about it and b) I feel like a totally ungrateful b!tch to even be worried about some of this stuff. I mean, for goodness sake, they're practically giving us this huge, gorgeous, expensive home. Who really cares if I have to wait a few years to paint the cabinets?

I don't know if I'm just being hormonal or if these are really valid concerns. How would you feel in this situation?

ETA - Wow, this is insanely long. Thanks if you've made it this far. ;)

[JTsMom]

I read the first half thinking you were insane to even consider saying no, but after the second part, I can understand your hesitation. Still, that's an amazing gift!

With the never moving thing- are you sure that would be an issue? What if you brought it up and presented it as, "While we can't imagine ever leaving, what if, God forbid, Dh lost his job, and we had no choice but to relocate- what would you want us to do?"

Them living there- that would have the potential to make me insane b/c I'm very private.

I can also understand about changing things. Will it ever feel like your house?

[crl]

I don't think you are at all crazy to have the concerns you do. I don't have any advice, just wanted to say I understand your concerns.

Catherine

[BabyMine]

I would jump at it.

I know you said that you didn't want to be tied down to one location but what would happen if you did buy another house and 5 years later they pass. Then you would have 2 homes to take care of.

I would ask them if they would have a problem if you remodeled. I would just leave it as it is and wait. If it is something that is purely cosmetic than it wouldn't be worth the (maybe) hurt feelings.

That is so sweet of them to leave you all the family home.

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

This is a big decision and something totally unexpected. What was your first reaction? I would talk to the grandparents and see how they would feel about you refinishing cabinets, etc. If they did get on your nerves, how would DH react? Answering some q's will help make the decision easier (I hope). Wow, that's a lot for you to take in....

[JoyNChrist]

I read the first half thinking you were insane to even consider saying no, but after the second part, I can understand your hesitation. Still, that's an amazing gift!

Yeah...this is why I haven't really said anything to DH. I mean, it's not like I'd even seriously consider saying no. How often does an opportunity like this come up? And it would help us out so much, and it would mean so much to DH to live there. There's no way I'd ever refuse...I'm just worried about how it's all going to play out.


With the never moving thing- are you sure that would be an issue? What if you brought it up and presented it as, "While we can't imagine ever leaving, what if, God forbid, Dh lost his job, and we had no choice but to relocate- what would you want us to do?"

I don't know. The way Grandma talked it was like we would eventually pass the house on to one of our children or grandchildren...basically a "our last name" would live there forever. Which I think is great, in theory - it's just that life doesn't always work out like that, ya know? And I know that by the time it might become an issue, they probably wouldn't be around anyway, but it would be really important to us to honor their wishes.

[fivi2]

I understand your concerns, but to me, this sounds like a great offer. If you had said you hated the house or the location, you were planning on moving, or the schools were terrible, etc, then I think you;d have a huge problem. But honestly, it just kind of sounds like this is a lot to process and your mind is throwing up all the "what-ifs". It sounds like a lovely property in a lovely location.

As far as your concerns - you are pregnant with twins, right? IMO, having family nearby to help, especially in the beginning will be nice. Also, you are going to be really busy (really, really busy) so I would imagine any major home improvements are going to be on the back burner for a while. By the time you are ready, you will have been there for a couple of years and it won't feel like "their" house. IF your husband loses his job or something happens, then I think you offer to sell it back to the family. If they can't or won't buy, then you move on with a clear conscience.

I do understand your concerns, but honestly, if you love the house and location, I would take it!

[sste]

Really, think twice about doing this. Unless the grandparents in question are independently wealthy there is a decent chance they are going to run into a situation where they need to extract the equity from their home or even sell it. Specifically, I am thinking about a health care crisis or the need for one of them to go into long-term care. Having that money there is an important piece of security for them.

At the absolute very least I would make sure they have long-term care insurance and talk to an attorney about how to structure the transaction so they have max. protection in case health care bills bankrupt them.

Sorry to be a downer, it does sound like a lovely house.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Wow! Were you at all jumping up and down? I would be, but I totally understand the burden created. Wonder if there's a creative, non-threatening way to show them a picture of your "dream kitchen" that you were looking for and figuring out if there's some way to make it look like that, since you were looking at other homes in the same light??? Honestly, though... with twins coming in the next little while, will you even care how the finish looks on the cabinets? I could see it being a lot easier to address either right now or when all 3 DC are in school, not a year or two from now.

If for some reason you guys need to move, you could always find someone to live there, rent it out, house sit or whatever. From what you've posted before, you don't seem the type to get a wild hair and move out west or something, right? You can pass it on to Avery when you're done there :)

[JTsMom]

I hear ya. We inherited 1/2 of DH's mom's house, which DH lived in for his whole childhood. His mother LOVED that house. Loved it.

It was an little, outdated, 1950's track house in CA, and even having half of it gifted to us, there was no earthly way we could have afforded it- the taxes alone would have killed us. Then there was the whole inconvenient fact that we lived across the country. :rolleyes: Silly me takes that sort of thing into account. ;)

I know she desperately wanted us to buy BIL out and live there, but it was so impractical, even she and DH couldn't really expect us to do it. The guilt factor was still there though.

It took DH a while, but he came to peace with it.

[JoyNChrist]

Wow! Were you at all jumping up and down? I would be, but I totally understand the burden created.

Oh, I was absolutely speechless. I mean, I never even considered this as a possibility, and I've always loved them and their home. When I really think about what they're offering, I get all teary-eyed and everything. And yes, it's an amazing opportunity - this is like 4x the house we'd ever be able to afford. :)

The cabinets aren't so much an issue (I probably won't feel like doing anything to the house for a few years), just an example. I just don't want to live there and it never really feel like "mine," ya know?

[Melaine]

I'm practically drooling with jealousy! I understand your concerns and they are legitimate ones to think about, but I think you are right that they would not stop you from jumping at the chance!!!

[JoyNChrist]

Really, think twice about doing this. Unless the grandparents in question are independently wealthy there is a decent chance they are going to run into a situation where they need to extract the equity from their home or even sell it. Specifically, I am thinking about a health care crisis or the need for one of them to go into long-term care. Having that money there is an important piece of security for them.

The grandparents are pretty well-off (they owned a chain of convenience stores that they sold about 10 years ago for a significant amount of money) which is one of the reasons I'm not super concerned about this affecting them financially. I think they offered to let us buy it for the amount it would take to build them a new house because a) they knew we wouldn't be comfortable with it just being given to us while they're still living and b) they don't want to mess with any of their retirement and savings. But it's definitely something to discuss with an attorney.

[JoyNChrist]

But honestly, it just kind of sounds like this is a lot to process and your mind is throwing up all the "what-ifs".

I really do think this is the issue. This was so out of left field - I had never in my wildest dreams considered this possibility. I just feeling like so many things have changed about our plans and possibilities over the past few days - my head is kind of spinning.

Which is why I brought all this up here, instead of IRL - I don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm not over the moon about this opportunity. I'm just wondering if I'm crazy to be a little worried.

[m448]

Just because you say yes doesn't mean you can't set nice healthy boundaries. And the best time to do it is while everyone still has their smiley face on and are on speaking terms LOL.

Bring up the fact that you would want to be able to make changes to the home and let them know that being full owners would be the only way you'd accept the home. If they're healthy people not prone to use gifts as manipulation they should have no issue with that. If they are well then you and DH have some talking to do.

[kransden]

I had a friend in a close situation. She felt like the home wasn't "hers". She was right of course, I told her to think of it as "renting" + benefits. She hadn't thought of it that way, and eventually made peace with it. After the parent died, it was a non-issue and she did a big remodel.

[vludmilla]

Given what you laid out, it doesn't seem like too much of a risk. If you really couldn't live there (DH was transferred, he unexpectedly dies), I can't see anyone really expecting you to live there and really, they couldn't make you anyway.

[maestramommy]

I think your concerns are valid, but except for not being able to forecast the future, I think they are pretty easily addressed. You can ask the grandparents how they feel about you making changes (give examples), which I think anyone would do in this situation. You can also talk with Dh about your concerns that they would be dropping in more often than you like. Do you think it's likely, or just a hypothetical? I also agree with Vludmilla about no one making you stay there if you really couldn't.

Given the fact that you're having twins and it's very likely you'll stay in the area, the situation, frankly, sounds absolutely awesome! And I say that as someone who really values my autonomy. In all the time you've been here I don't recall hearing you complain about weird family or ILs, which is HUGE.

[JoyNChrist]

In all the time you've been here I don't recall hearing you complain about weird family or ILs, which is HUGE.

Yeah, they're definitely great in-laws. I mean, they're a little bit nosey, but I really think all big southern families are like that (I know mine is) so we're used to it. No signs of major craziness at this point. ;)

[maestramommy]

Yeah, they're definitely great in-laws. I mean, they're a little bit nosey, but I really think all big southern families are like that (I know mine is) so we're used to it. No signs of major craziness at this point. ;)

Yeah see. If that is the cultural norm, and you're comfy with it, great! I know for some people here (maybe myself included) it might drive us nuts, but I've only heard you rave about your family and IL connectedness, so staying close to them, esp. now, is optimal.

[frugal mom]

One thing to consider, financially, is the possible tax implications. You'll need to know what the yearly property taxes would be, of course. Also-- I'm not sure on this, but if they sell the house to you for much lower than market rate, would the remaining value be considered a gift to you which would be taxed? Any tax people out there??

I really see how you are torn on this decision. It sounds like a great opportunity, and it sounds like you could feel the grandparents out subtly about how they'd feel about remodeling or cosmetic upgrades. I think you and DH will have to make the call on your own if you'd be living too close to the grandparents for comfort. Personally, I wouldn't raise any concerns about if you lost DH. That would be such a remote possibility and you really don't know what the situation would be until you got there, heaven forbid.

[nrp]

I think it sounds amazing - what a lovely place for your kids to grow up!

The estate planner in me does feel it necessary to point one thing out, however. If they sell you the house for substantially less than fair market value (which it sounds like they will), the difference would be considered a gift. Every individual has a $1M lifetime gift exemption ($2M per couple), so depending on the value of the home relative to what you would be paying, they likely won't owe any gift taxes presently. However, they will need to file a gift tax return to report the gift and speak to an estate planning attorney to address the implications.

Didn't mean to be a downer at all - I just wanted to throw it out there for consideration before you all get too far down the path. I shouldn't think that this would be a big impediment.

ETA: frugal mom and I cross-posted!

[JoyNChrist]

The estate planner in me does feel it necessary to point one thing out, however. If they sell you the house for substantially less than fair market value (which it sounds like they will), the difference would be considered a gift. Every individual has a $1M lifetime gift exemption ($2M per couple), so depending on the value of the home relative to what you would be paying, they likely won't owe any gift taxes presently. However, they will need to file a gift tax return to report the gift and speak to an estate planning attorney to address the implications.

Definitely something to consider. I'm thinking the difference in the value of the property and what we'll be paying will be around $300-400K (not positive without an updated appraisal, and we haven't worked out all the details yet). So it's a substantial amount. We'll definitely need to speak with an attorney as we get further down the road.

[ewpmsw]

OP, your pros convinced me it is an amazing option to have! Seems like a blessing on a lot of levels. Your cons raise a lot of legitimate concerns. IMO, you should discuss them with DH and his grandparents. Use the opportunity to be open about your concerns and make your boundaries clear. If the house is really going to be yours, you have to establish boundaries ASAP. Wow, what a tough decision. Have fun making it, and congrats on your baby news.

[salsah]

i didn't read the replies, so i apologize if any of these questions have been brought up already.
first, if you need to relocate, can you rent out the property instead of selling? could you even leave it vacant? eventually you or one of the (great)grand kids might move back in. or just use it as vacation home (if you relocate, you may still like to come back to visit.

second, what happens to the grand parents new smaller home that you build next door (after they pass).

(btw, i don't think you mentioned that another pro is avoiding the inheritance tax. if you inherit the home (rather than buy it from them), you might have to sell it just to afford the inheritance tax on it. that may not be the case for you and an expert can give better advice on that matter, but it is worth considering.)

[JTsMom]

second, what happens to the grand parents new smaller home that you build next door (after they pass).




Oooh, yeah, that's a good point.

I know you said they aren't crazy or anything, but are they the type that will hold this over your head? "What do you mean we don't get input on how the kids are raised? After all, we did practically give you our house!"

[JoyNChrist]

I know you said they aren't crazy or anything, but are they the type that will hold this over your head? "What do you mean we don't get input on how the kids are raised? After all, we did practically give you our house!"

I don't think so. They're pretty hands off...they'll give me their opinions about things, but they don't tend to overstep their boundaries. And MIL has always said that they were great about keeping their distance after she and FIL married...Grandma wasn't the "controlling MIL" type. Grandma will probably want us to go to her church once we move to that area, but the whole family goes there so we would probably do that anyway (and I think she'd bug us about that even if we moved into a different house in the area, ya know?).

I have no idea what would happen to the new, small house. Since it would be on the land that connects to "our" property I would think we might inherit it, but I don't know. It's possible that it could go to DH's sister (which we would be fine with). Definitely something else we need to discuss.