happy...and sad...

[lmh2402]

DS turns one today...in exactly 9 min, actually

and i've been feeling very emotional about this milestone for the last few weeks

we had his bday party last weekend - was a bust due to illness - but my in-laws were in town nonetheless

and for the first time, i had this major pang of...something...sadness? guilt? empathy? looking at my MIL (she normally drives me nothing but nuts)

thinking that in 30ish years, i will perhaps be in her shoes. with a son that lives 300+ miles away. only seeing him 4-5 times a year. if he has a child, perhaps i will only see my grandchild 4-5 times a year.

it seemed to particularly hit home with DS being so sick last weekend. i spent many hours rocking in his room in the dark hold his hot little body b/c it was the only way he would sleep

and i kept thinking, he will never remember that i did this with him. he will never remember how all he wanted was to lay his head on me and breathe into my neck. he will grow up and go away. and leave me. and along the way he will know he loves me (god willing), but he will never remember these moments and this closeness.

and particularly observing my DH...he has such a removed relationship with his mom...and his dad... but mostly his mom. and watching her last weekend…seeing how excited she was to be here, holding DS (even though he was screaming bloody murder)..seeing her try to hide her hurt b/c he didn’t know her and didn’t want her to hold him when he wasn’t feeling well…

it just kills me. i know separation and independence are inevitable. and that it is a good thing...it is the path a person is supposed to follow...to come into their own and build their own life

and while i'm looking forward to all that DS will become, a part of me has been unable to control the tears today

i miss him already

am totally crazy to be feeling this way. i started crying when i woke up and DH acted like i was nuts when i was trying to explain it to him

[Leeannpk]

:crying:
I understand completely.

[SnuggleBuggles]

:hug: Happy birthday to your little guy!!! He is lucky to have you as a mom and I bet he will always know that you are a great mom. Maybe write this down to put in a letter to give to him when he is older. I have done that.


I have had the same bittersweet feelings and sadness of them some day moving away. I have to admit, one of the many reasons we had a second child was the hopes that it increased our odds that one of the kids would stay near by. But, even if they both move away hopefully they'll keep in touch well!! Of course, maybe I'll just move to wherever they move to. :)

Beth

[LMPC]

I totally know where you are coming from! But I want you to think about this...okay here comes my favorite quote....
"You can't change the past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future."

First, you are not crazy to be thinking these things...you are a caring mother who is concerned for her DS's well being! That's awesome! He might not remember the exact moments he is sharing with you (your description of rocking him while he was sick was amazingly touching BTW! Please write it down in his baby book or even on a little piece of paper!)...but he certainly is strengthening that bond of attachment that will span the miles (if he does move away when he gets older).

I also think that not enough weight is given to the sense of loss that moms feel as milestones are reached with our DC's. It's hard to think..."oh, he's never going to do that again" or "well that's it for nursing her" or "where's that baby smell she used to have." It's a real loss that is okay to acknowledge.

And finally, I'm sure your DH is a lovely man....but sometimes guys just don't get it. My DH can be the same way sometimes.

Hang in there! But don't be afraid to let yourself feel your emotions -- good or bad, they are what make our lives worth living!
:hug:

[MissyAg94]

I totally understand. I get the same feelings from time to time so reading your post made me tear up. It's okay, Mommy. Cherish today. No one knows what tomorrow brings!

[truly scrumptious]

I can totally relate :hug:

I have had the same thoughts about my DS - when I used to wake up at 3:30a.m. to nurse, I'd tell myself - "Savor this moment. Savor the feeling of having him snuggle up to you, fall asleep in your arms. Eventually he won't want to do that any more." (It would help me feel less crummy about the sleepless nights!)

But I have also come to realize that parenthood is a fundamentally different experience for parents and their children. I mean, when my son was born, it was like I was hit by a revelation - If my parents have always felt this way about me, I feel awful for not having appreciated them more!

So I'm sure your son will feel the same someday about you - he won't remember, but when he's holding his children, he'll imagine what it must have been like for you, and he'll be humbled by the love you have for him, too.

Lots of hugs to you - I had a very emotional day when DS turned one. I was grieving for all that had passed, but then I thought of everything I had to look forward to, and that made it better. Happy birthday to your DS, and happy trails to you, mama!

[arivecchi]

Hugs mama! I feel like that every now and then. My biggest comfort is that every new phase brings so many new and exciting things. My DH is very close to his parents, so I try to mimic what they did. Their home is still a very happy and loving place so their kids naturally gravitate there. Perhaps hope for that? You are not alone. Happy birthday to your baby boy! :)

[DietCokeLover]

I understand and can so closely relate that I am bawling my eyes out reading this thread.

Hugs to you and happy birthday to your precious little man.

[JoyNChrist]

I so understand. I sobbed throughout DS's 1st birthday party. I write him a letter every year on his birthday and I cry my eyes out every single time.

Happy Birthday to your little man! The good part is that there's so much to look forward to - after 1 they really start becoming little people and you get to see more of their personalities as they talk and become more outgoing. It's lots of fun. :)

[MZS V]

What a touching post! My DD just turned one a few weeks ago, and I felt pretty reflective and slightly emotional in the weeks leading up to it. At the actual party, I was too stressed/busy to feel anything but joy in watching her reactions.
But even since then, I see her personality and abilities emerging every day. And while I am happy to see her develop, I sometimes long for the little baby she used to be.
So, I'm hoping it is a normal, and not crazy reaction, LOL!

[scrooks]

:grouphug: I remember DD's first birthday being very bittersweet...

[maestramommy]

Happy Birthday to your DS!

I think many of us have felt happy and sad when our DCs turn one. On the one hand, you can't believe you made it, and on the other hand you wondered how it happened so fast.

Not to make you cry again, but your OP make me think of that book, "I love you forever" by Robert Munsch. About a mother and her son. Perhaps that will be you one day. You never know:hug5:

[dtim]

OK, now you're all making me cry too... I feel the same way, probably even on most days now as DS gets older and needs me less, or at least in different ways. I just hope that showering him with love now while he'll let me will help us to always be close. And that I can raise him to be the kind of man who's not afraid to be a little bit of a mama's boy forever! :hug:

[sunshine873]

I have to say I just wanted to shout from the rooftops in celebration on DD's birthday, so I didn't have those same feelings, maybe because I think I had a great relationship with my mom as an adult and have hopes that DD & I will too. But, I can understand where you're coming from. I think it's different for moms & daughters than for moms & sons.

I love, love, love the idea of you writing your thoughts in a letter. That way you can give it to him once he's older and can really grasp the meaning behind the words. Maybe when he graduates high school, on his wedding day, or when he has his first DC.

[goldenpig]

:crying: Aww, I was in tears reading your sweet post!
You should definitely write this in his baby book or as a letter to him for when he grows up.
They grow up so fast, don't they. Mine is only 3 weeks old and I already worry about that. :hug:
Happy birthday to your little guy!

[KpbS]

I understand and can so closely relate that I am bawling my eyes out reading this thread.

Hugs to you and happy birthday to your precious little man.

:yeahthat: Savor the moments and let him know that you will love him forever. :hug:

[JTsMom]

It is a bittersweet day for a lot of us. :hug: