How important is a house to your happiness?

[WitMom]

This is probably going to be long and rambling, so I apologize in advance.

My husband and moved to our current location nearly 2 years ago. We moved from a large metropolitan area to a much smaller city, and money goes a lot further here. We were able to purchase a lovely house that I really liked and had all of the features that I wanted in a house.

Although the house was "perfect" for us, my husband and I finally admitted to each other that although we loved our house, we were not happy in our new city and wanted to move back to our former location. So we put the house on the market a few weeks ago and sold it almost immediately. Which means we are house hunting back in our old city.

As I mentioned at the start of this, our former city has a much higher cost of living. We have been looking at houses in our price range, and there is NOTHING I like. Every house we look at has something "wrong" with it in my mind, and none of them measure up to our current house. My husband doesn't get how important a house is to me. For him, it's a place to sleep, eat and keep your stuff. It's purely functional. To me, it's much more emotional. It's about raising a family and creating memories with/for them..a place to call "home", a place that you love and are proud of.

So our search has led to some heated discussions between us. He doesn't get why I don't like anything we look at, and I don't get how he is willing to "settle". He keeps mentioning how we can't afford what I want in our new location, which I intelluctually understand, but I can't accept emotionally (does that make sense?). So, how important is a house to your happiness? Can you live in a house that you don't like/love, and still be happy? I mean, I know you can, but how do I get to that point of acceptance? I've read other recent house-hunting threads, and the prevailing wisdom seems to be don't settle for something you are less than thrilled with. Unfortunately, given our finances, I'm going to have to "settle" and I am having hard time with that.

[sste]

Witmom, you already answered that question for yourself when you decided to move. :)

A house is not so important to your happiness. There has been a fair amount of research that people tend to habituate to large consumer items that are constantly there - - so your very nice house or fancy car will make you happy for a while but that effect will fade almost entirely away over time. For this reason, researchers suggest spending money on "happiness boosters" that are intermittent, variable, and diverse (e.g., small things like flowers or candy or an outing or trips or vacations).

I do get that certain things about houses can be constant sources of aggravation - - horrible, steep stairs with DC or literally zero working space in a kitchen. I would avoid that.

Would you consider renting for a year or two in your city while you wait for some better options to come up in your price range? My husband and I have started looking into this in our city and there are some rental steals on single family houses from people who can't sell -- much less than we would pay to buy.

[egoldber]

I've lived in a lot of houses of different sizes over the years. IMO, the size of the house has little to do with happiness as long as some basic needs are met. A family-friendly layout, a functional kitchen (doesn't have to be granite countertops or stainless steel appliances) and somewhat adequate storage are the main things. I agree with the PP that you get used to the space you have. We are actually considering seriously downsizing because we really have just way more space than a family of 4 really needs. It will be hard initially, but all we do with the extra space is just have more stuff that we only bought to fill that space.

[hillview]

I am more like your DH and so is my DH so we are all for functional/practical vs something we love. Can you rent for a couple of years?

For your question, I think it depends on you. My mother is more like you. She is very attached to her place, her things, memories it creates. She was not happy moving to the new place. Was pretty unhappy for several months. Over time she made it hers. She is now happier and while I think she misses her old place, she has come to peace with it and is happy in the new place (this is 2.5 years into it). So it is possible I think.

/hillary

[WatchingThemGrow]

sste, you're wise. Truly. What a great way of looking at it. OP, I totally understand what you're saying. We're crammed into our 1400 sf home with 5 people, and I long to move and settle somewhere to make memories, grow up our DC, host family gatherings, etc. To stay in our same area, we can double, even triple our mortgage and still have a nasty house in a funky neighborhood that's had no updating since 1971 in a flood plain with a cracked foundation.

I guess what I do in my own mind is to think that wherever we're living, in whatever city or house or country, it's gotta all be just a backdrop and that the "memories" and such come from our family interactions, activities, etc. I try to picture myself being like a military family or a missionary or a poor family who never owns a home - like we're just living wherever we're living, never totally "owning" and laying down forever roots in a dwelling. Does that make any sense?

That being said, when we do finally go shopping, I'll have a hard time "settling" on something in our range. What about if you pick out a paint palette and just go shopping trying to image the houses you see with that new palette instead?

[niccig]

The house isn't worth it to go into financial stress over. The location is more important to me. You say you prefer your location, but you can't afford the same kind of house. I would make a list of what are priorities and what you could live without. I wouldn't buy up to get what I want if I can't afford it. It is after all, just a house and not worth financial stress to afford.

[wellyes]

So, how important is a house to your happiness? Can you live in a house that you don't like/love, and still be happy? I mean, I know you can, but how do I get to that point of acceptance?Given the choice of a cramped, imperfect dump of a house in a great neighborhood vs a palatial mansion estate in a neighborhood I disliked --- I would pick the dump every time. Who wouldn't want a 600 sq ft apartment in Paris?

Memories are your neighbors -- going to the playground -- the school -- the trees and sidewalks. Being walking distance to a great coffee shop. Being near friends. Having a children's bookshop you love to spend time at with your kids. Compared to that, a house is just stuff.

[Jo..]

Not that important. We had a much bigger much nicer home in our previous state.

Now we live in a modest home that is BARELY big enough (too small really), and needs a lot of work/upgrades.

But we are happy! The house bugs us from time to time, but overall I'd say we a re a 9 on a 1-10 scale of happiness.

[KpbS]

It might help for you and your DH to establish a deadline/schedule for looking at houses. Discuss each others expectations for how quickly you need to get a house under contract.

Before we moved I made a big list of features that I currently liked in our home and disliked/desired in a new home. Figure out what is most important to you about a new house (number of bedrooms, yard, large/updated kitchen, etc.) and look at it that way. And keep in mind that no house will measure up to your current one. If you have a little bit of time to look and know what is non=negotiable that should go far in helping you feel confident in your decision and not feel like you are settling.

[codex57]

We just picked location over house features. And we keep concentrating on features of the location that remind us why we moved in the first place. We're working on making the home "ours" but that's a work in progress. However, the progress does ease things mentally.

[edurnemk]

I think the location is more important to your peace of mind, than the house itself. Of course the house has to cover the basic things you consider you can't live without. When we lived in Chicago our apartment wasn't very big, but I was so happy there... it was the whole combination of the area, neighbours, etc. Of course, I wouldn't go as far as to move into a place I considered a dump even if I loved the area, there has to be a bit of a balance.


I just chose a smaller apartment in a better location over an amazing, larger apartment in another neighbourhood, which is nice but it involves a longer commute with a lot of traffic, and the area has a lot of traffic itself. So I made a list of what I absolutely needed, and things that are simply desirable. After thinking it over, long and hard, I realized no matter how much I loved the big apartment, the traffic would make life very stressful, and really I can't just spend most of my life couped in the apartment to avoid that.

We found a smaller place in a wonderful area, that covers almost every one of my "must-haves" and several of the desirable aspects, though not all. So I'm happy with it now, and really looking forward to making it home.

I also think that renting could be a good option to consider at this time.

[SnuggleBuggles]

We settled in some regards to some things with our house, some of which I would have thought were deal breakers but in reality are not big deals. I had wanted a different neighborhood, the one adjacent to our neighborhood, but budget just didn't get us there. Turns out that our neighborhood is fantastic and I am so glad we live here and not there! It is a true gem that I didn't appreciate before. I'd love a bigger kitchen but that won't happen and we just make it work. I think that settling isn't always a bad thing. You just need to not go in determined to hate it. If you start off just bitter and grumpy then it'll take a while to shake it off. Hopefully being in the city you love will be a big boost.

Beth

[jenfromnj]

I live in a very high COL area, and we really wanted to buy our home in one of a very short list of towns with vibrant downtowns, great schools, a sense of community, and the like. Unfortunately, this meant that we had to "settle" for a more modest home than we'd have been able to buy had we not been so picky about the town.

Our house is definitely not huge and we had to compromise on some of the things that we'd have liked to have, but as time has gone on, enjoying the daily benefits of living where we live have definitely outweighed my initial complaints about the house. It's amazing how things which at first I thought would really annoy me, have kind of faded into the background as we've settled in.

[maestramommy]

I'm more like your Dh, because growing up we lived in houses that were barely big enough for us, and money was really tight, so we were thrilled with silly little things about the house. I think my parents might've been a little more picky.

Dh and I just bought our first house together. It's certainly not a perfect house (seems like something always needs to be fixed!), but it suits us just fine. I don't know if it's perfect for us, I wasn't totally in love with it when we moved in. In fact I was having a serious case of buyer's remorse. It feels more like home to me now that we've been in it for almost 2 years.

But I felt that way about the apartment we were renting for 7 years before we moved into this house. So for me, it's what you make of it.

[MamaMolly]

With DH's job we move a lot, and most of the time we only get a little say in what kind of house we live in so my perspective is a little skewed that way. I look at a house as what we put our 'home' into. Our home goes place to place, the house is the box.

In our last overseas post we had a pretty great house in a bummer of a neighborhood. Now I'm living in a craptastic house in a better neighborhood. It is equally hard in different ways. Honestly, if I didn't have kids I would be more tempted to want a better house and not worry as much about location. But since having DD I really see the value of good location and good neighbors. If I were buying I'd compromise on the house before the location.

[WatchingThemGrow]

I look at a house as what we put our 'home' into. Our home goes place to place, the house is the box.

Thanks for concisely saying what I was trying to express, Molly!

[Melaine]

I agree with pp (egoldber?) about the layout and features of a home being much more important than size and monetary value. So, yes, a home contributes to my happiness but it doesn't dictate whether I am happy or not....

[amyd]

I LOVE our location but hate our little house. We could not afford a better house in this nice location. This location is where I grew up and has MUCH better schools/activities,stores,parks etc......... it is a trade off but worth it.

[misshollygolightly]

You've already received great advice. I just wanted to suggest one way to help create a little 'compromise' space with your DH and ease a situation that is less than your ideal. Could you agree to "settle" on a living space, if you and DH also agreed that you could add/do one thing to bring it closer to your ideal? You might make a list of some of the things you've always wanted in a house (fireplace, porch swing, custom cabinets, a room painted yellow, a new couch, window boxes on the windows, tulips in the yard, veggie garden, etc.). Then maybe you could choose one or two of these things that are realistic with the space you decide to buy/rent and are in line with your budget. And even if you can't have *quite* what you want (say, a veggie garden), maybe you can find ways to get *close* to that (potted herbs and tomato plants on the balcony). I know that's not the same as having your dream home, but it can really make a difference. Our current home (our first home, actually) is by no means ideal (in fact, it's a one-story ranch house with one bathroom and carpet in the kitchen, which I swore I'd never live in--hehe!). BUT, when we bought it DH and I agreed we would have a nice jacuzzi tub installed in the bathroom within six months of moving in. We did and it is WONDERFUL! I still HATE the carpet in my kitchen (which is thoroughly stained by now), and there are other things that are less than perfect, but it does feel like home and I *love* taking long soaks in my special tub. It feels like such a luxury to me!

[JTsMom]

I agree with pp's. It's a piece of the puzzle, but not the end all, be all. Location is critically important to me though. I can't live somewhere I can't be happy, and I'd take a smaller house in a heartbeat if I'd much prefer the location. I do think a reasonable amount of space, and your top priorities being met are important, but other than that- it's just a thing. No house is perfect, and it alone can not make you happy.

[daniele_ut]

We just picked location over house features. And we keep concentrating on features of the location that remind us why we moved in the first place. We're working on making the home "ours" but that's a work in progress. However, the progress does ease things mentally.

This describes our situation to a T. We chose to buy a house in a much more convenient area because we wanted to be close to certain shopping, schools and amenities. Our house is 55 years old and a definite fixer upper, but we are happy because we love the area so much.

[Green22]

Very important, says the girl living in an apartment/3 rooms.

*cries silently in the corner*

[alexsmommy]

Location, location, location. At least for us. We seriously considered moving much further away from the city to purchase a new construction home designed to our specifications. Ultimately, we just couldn't do it. We love out town - diverse, easy walkability, easy to get into city... but we have a 100 year old home and we are not handy. 100 year old homes also do not have layouts that are ideal for today's families and do NOT get me started on the lack of closet space...
Still a beautiful perfect home in a location that didn't work for us would have led to misery. A great location and a liveable home has worked great. We've waited a few years to figure out what we could improve within the structure of the home to make it work for us better and now that we've made those fixes we really like it.

[fivi2]

While I agree that location is more important/most important...

I hate my house. Seriously. And I am a SAHM. I feel like it very much negatively affects our life. It is old, poorly laid out, and way, way too small, no storage space, no garage, no insulation, etc, etc... Every single day I wish we could move.

So, while I don't think a particular layout or number of square feet is everything, I do think you need to be careful when choosing a house. Make sure you have some of the things you need. (A closet!) It doesn't have to be perfect,b ut if you cannot function, you will feel it (IMO!)

[jjjo1112]

We moved out of state a few years back, before we had children. We had a really nice house built and everything was custom. We were living in FL and the cost of living was much lower than MA, where we are originally from. When we decided to have a family, we thought our house would be perfect-but as I progressed in my pregnancy-we found out that as much as we loved our big,new house-we wanted to be closer to our family. When I was 6 months pregnant, we put our house on the market and moved back to Boston. We live in a much smaller, much older house and struggle more financially than we would in FL, but it has been totally worth it. All of our family is within 20 miles and we are very close. I always have a helping hand to watch the kids and this has allowed us to have more children. I am able to work part time and have never needed to use a daycare. We love all that MA has to offer and are much happier with the school systems here. So for us, location was more important. (Although I do miss the space and newness of my old house)

[fumofu]

I understand your struggles. DH and I live in a house that my in-laws bought last year. They live out of state, but have visited for long periods and are slowly transitioning into moving to this place. Which we love, it's the perfect home for us. Just that it's in a pretty bad school district. Now that we're expecting, we're in the market to buy our own place. Good schools is the number one priority, which makes for slim pickings. It's discouraging when we can comfortably afford in-laws' beautiful house.

So we've lowered our standards in house hunting. We still want the good school district, but will compromise on the age of the house, the neighborhood, amenities it offers (as long as it's got ample kitchen space!), etc. We can always upgrade appliances, change fixtures and carpet, at a later time when we can afford it. As long as the house is safe and I'm not under the same roof as my in-laws while I learn how to take care of my new baby.

So find out what you truly want in your house, things you won't compromise on, and talk with your DH about it. Try to find a common ground. Good luck!

[mamicka]

I hate to say it but it does seriously affect my happiness. Not that it has to be anything luxury or grand (trust me, there is no granduer here), but it has to work simply for our lifestyle.

I try not to ever forget, though, that it is a luxury to even consider these things. I do believe I could be perfectly happy in a shack or cardboard box under other circumstances.

[Ceepa]

DH and I have lived in a numbre of different situations, housing arrangements. We found happiness in each one. The house is just a place to keep your stuff like Carlin said, right? IMO, a good house doesn't balance out a bad work situation or relationship difficulties. But if everything is pretty good otherwise, a great house can be super nice icing on the cake. At least that's the way for us. It's not huge, it's not tidy, our to-do list for it is getting longer but we love our home.

[GGrn]

DH and I are discussing this right now. We have been in our current home over 10 years. We live in a great neighborhood with good schools. Walking distance to the elementary and high schools. Great neighbors, quiet street, large private backyard.

DH has a long list he would add to make our house nice enough that he would be happy: redo the kitchen, redo the guest bath, put in a patio, new windows, new driveway. We would both love a full master bath (we have a tiny 3/4 one now). He really really wants a house with walkout. To be honest, DH is MUCH more unhappy with our house than I am which makes it stressful for me.

I would love: more kids my DD's age (all the kids here are older than DD), and a sidewalk! I would absolutely love a sidewalk for my DD to ride her trike.

Of course, I would still want the quiet street, good neighbors, good schools, private backyard on top of that.

We thought it would make more sense to simply buy a home that has all that
stuff..... and we found it!

BUT it is pricey. I don't want to be stressed out thinking about paying the mortgage. DH was out of work for nearly a year recently and at the time I was so glad that we didn't have a large mortgage payment!
I also don't want DH and I to be miserable in our home either. I want DD to have more playmates.

So. I am in the same boat. We would definitely have to rethink our spending habits. DH and I are not spring chickens so we are thinking a lot about retirement, and DD's college fund.
Tough call. So I get where you are coming from.

I wish you luck with your decision!

[hellokitty]

When DH and I did not have kids, we cared a LOT more about our house. Now that we have kids, well we care most about the house being kid friendly. I'm not exactly crazy about our current house, we have done a fair # of renovations and have it almost the way we want it. Really, the location ended up being the best thing about my house. We are literally a 5-10 min drive from major shopping. My DH has a job where he is on call a lot. Our location has enabled me to be able to get some errands and shopping done while he watches the kids, b/c if he does get called back to work, I can be home in 10 min to switch off with him. We almost got a house on the opposite side of town, but the owners would not budge on the price. I'm really glad that, that sale did not end up going through, I think we are happier where we are now, b/c our location is extremely convenient and really our neighborhood is like a secret, most ppl don't even realize there is a neighborhood like ours that is far away enough from the main road, but extremely convenient too. We've saved a LOT on gas, and if ppl need to drop stuff off, it is so easy for them to do so, b/c they basically have to drive right past my house in order to do any shopping.

[kijip]

Owning a house I can afford brings me a measure of security I never knew as a child, so in that way I do feel it impacts my happiness. However, we chose location over size and have been happy here. It's a small home but it's more than big enough for us.

We were equally happy in our small loft studio when we first got married though. So size is not a huge important thing to us.

[smiles33]

DH and I have lived in a numbre of different situations, housing arrangements. We found happiness in each one. The house is just a place to keep your stuff like Carlin said, right? IMO, a good house doesn't balance out a bad work situation or relationship difficulties. But if everything is pretty good otherwise, a great house can be super nice icing on the cake. At least that's the way for us. It's not huge, it's not tidy, our to-do list for it is getting longer but we love our home.
:yeahthat: I would just add that DH and I are TOTAL homebodies, so for us, the location issue was more about safety, low traffic, close to work, near a park, etc. rather than being close to the urban amenities more social folks would like (e.g., opera, ballet, lots of great non-chain restaurants, etc.).

Still, I understand how you are more emotional about it than your DH. Perhaps you can identify concrete factors that will help you feel like your minimum needs are met? You already know it won't be perfect due to budget issues, but if there are 1 or 2 "non-negotiable" things you can get, might that go a long way towards making you feel better about the new house?

[WitMom]

Thanks everyone for all of the response and insight. I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond and share their thoughts.

I've decided that I just need to focus on the positive. And quit acting like a 4 year old that doesn't get what she wants. There isn't any house that we can afford that will have everything I want....that's just the way it is. But we will be in a location we love, and we can find a house that has at least some of what I want. After a major reality check, that's really all I need. And I'm fortunate that we can afford that.