If you have no sex drive...

[Corie]

are you not having sex with your DH?


I get confused by this.

My DH definitely has a stronger sex drive than I do. But even if I don't
feel like it or don't want to do it, many times I still do. Most times I do.

Please enlighten me.

[Twoboos]

Um.... not so much. :bag

It's horrible and I know I should (you set a great example, Corie!! :wink2: ).

[lalasmama]

When I was with XH and having a decreased libido, we were still intimate, just not as often or as "fun" as when I was "in the mood".

ETA: I was very much in a "fake it til you make it" situation. As much I didn't want to do it, it didn't seem like withholding sex would do much good, since then he would be whining about that too.

[daisymommy]

9 times out of 10 "no sex drive = no sex"

But sometimes I feel like a bad wife and do it anyway. Not that often though.

I must say, I figured out after 12 years of marriage, doctors, and a counselor (because our marriage was on the rocks due to my total and complete lack of sex drive)--that for me, ANY type of chemical/hormonal birth control does away with my sex drive. I've used everything on the market, they all do that to me. But I didn't realize it. I felt like a sex zombie. Just dead.

Until I just got tired of being on it, went for natural family planning, and WOA girlfriend--LOOK OUT! Total life change ;)

Of course now that I've had a baby and get no sleep we're back to square one, but that's to be expected.

[kijip]

I "give it the college try" until I DO want to be doing it. Usually even if I was not in the mood at first, I am after a few minutes of just going for it. If I really don't want to, or I don't get into it after a little bit (rare), then we stop or just don't to begin with. It was not until after F's birth that we ever experienced his libido out-pacing mine. Before we were evenly matched or I was ready more often than him.

[BabyMine]

Nope I won't do it if I'm not in the mode. Sometimes he can work me into one but if he can't them we don't. Luckily, right after TT I haven't had that problem. Before M and after M I did. We went through 1 year without any. Mine was tied to medical reasons and he knew that so he didn't push.( no pun intended). It really took off after he was fixed. Knowing there is no chance of a pregnancy takes a big load off my mind.

Know I'm not saying we do it everyday. It's averages about 2-3 times a week. Sometimes more sometimes left. It also depends if I am under stress. Sex to me is both emotionally and physically. If they aren't there than it ain't happening.

[wellyes]

I do not feel obligated to perform "wifely duties" when I a lack sex drive. But I do feel obligated is to address it - is it a medication issue? a mental health issue? an underlying relationship issue? or am I not taking care of myself in terms of fitness/nutrition and that makes me feel unattractive? etc. I'll confess there have been stretches in my life when I didn't realize I wasn't having much of a sex drive (mostly due to anxiety/mental health stuff). Much better now but it's become something I have to actively keep an eye on.

[hillview]

I "give it the college try" until I DO want to be doing it. Usually even if I was not in the mood at first, I am after a few minutes of just going for it. ... Before we were evenly matched or I was ready more often than him.
:yeahthat:
For me it is usually that I am SO tired. But I put out 100% of the time sometimes it is just a get to the point sort of gig but I do what I can.
/hillary

[Raidra]

Most of the time my husband waits to initiate until I'm exhausted and in bed already, so I'm almost never in the mood at the start. I've told him before that he'd get a much better reception if he tried to get things going right after the kids fall asleep, but that never happens. Sometimes I really do put my foot down because I'm that tired, other times I let him work a bit to convince me, and other times I give in right away because it's usually faster to just have a quickie rather than have him spend 20 minutes trying to get me in the mood.

I always feel better (emotionally) after having sex, so I don't think it's terrible that I give in when I'm not really in the mood. If I resented it or felt like I was being taken advantage of, I'd stand my ground more.

[funda62]

I do not feel obligated to perform "wifely duties" when I a lack sex drive. But I do feel obligated is to address it - is it a medication issue? a mental health issue? an underlying relationship issue? or am I not taking care of myself in terms of fitness/nutrition and that makes me feel unattractive? etc. I'll confess there have been stretches in my life when I didn't realize I wasn't having much of a sex drive (mostly due to anxiety/mental health stuff). Much better now but it's become something I have to actively keep an eye on.

:yeahthat: Except that I still don't have a sex drive. Sex is such a personal thing I can't imagine doing it without wanting to.

[Elilly]

I once read a book that dealt with this very issue as DH thought I was trying to "control" him and that part of our life. The solution that has worked for us is that each spouse has up to 4 days to initiate relations. Knowing that, when it's my turn to initiate, that I have up to four days to initiate, and that DH is not supposed to (at least when it's my turn) is such a relief. This means that he can't be bugging me about it and he doesn't b/c he know's that generally (we're not talking about being pg, postpartum etc) he will get sex in at least 4 days. And then, when it's his turn to initiate, he also has up to 4 days to initiate it. Sometimes, DH initiates on his 1st day, so we end up doing it 3 times per week. But often it's once or twice. This method of dealing with my low libido allows each of us to feel a bit in control of the issue. It also eliminated me constantly turing down DH's advances.
On another note, ITA about hormonal birth control causing my sex drive to go down the drain.

[mamicka]

I voted yes. It isn't my "wifely duty" - I do it because I love my husband, even when I'm not in the mood. I want to give him what he wants whenever I'm able & I would hope that he would do the same for me, even if he didn't feel like it at the time. I'm not talking about only sex, I think it applies to everything. There are still times when I don't comply, but I comply much more often than not. I don't always end-up getting into it but I've never been sorry I did it after the fact.

[zukeypur]

I give it up. DH gets grumpy if he goes too long without it, and I always enjoy it after we get going. Well, almost always. It sucks right now 3 months after my VBAC. I'm hoping that goes away soon.

[Melaine]

I voted yes. It isn't my "wifely duty" - I do it because I love my husband, even when I'm not in the mood. I want to give him what he wants whenever I'm able & I would hope that he would do the same for me, even if he didn't feel like it at the time. I'm not talking about only sex, I think it applies to everything. There are still times when I don't comply, but I comply much more often than not. I don't always end-up getting into it but I've never been sorry I did it after the fact.

ITA with this.

I mentioned something in another thread about this and it could have been misleading. TMI, but I'd like to clear up my comment here:

I have definitely experienced low/no sex drive but I usually power through and end up enjoying myself. I liken it to going swimming. Beforehand, I often feel like going swimming is so much trouble. I hate to get my hair wet, apply sunscreen, gather towels, etc. I know the water will be cold and it might be uncomfortable at first. And I am frankly just too lazy to be bothered sometimes.
After I get in and start swimming it feels GREAT and I am thinking, "How could I forget how much I LOVE swimming? I LOVE the water, I want to go swimming every day. I am never getting out of this pool." Afterward I feel healthy and happy and just generally better about life.

However, I'm currently dealing with (here's the TMI) side effects of Prozac which are specifically (for me) inability to reach orgasm, rather than low sex drive. I would be freaking out except that I experienced it last time I took the drugs and it does go away after a couple months. I would probably still be willing to get down to it, except DH is extremely attached to the idea of mutual orgasms and doesn't seem to be able to let go of that idea. I get frustrated because he seems to think it is in my head and just keeps telling me to relax.

So for the last 2 weeks or so we have abstained because he can't handle my lack of climax. It is what it is.

[boogiemomz]

ITA with this.

I mentioned something in another thread about this and it could have been misleading. TMI, but I'd like to clear up my comment here:

I have definitely experienced low/no sex drive but I usually power through and end up enjoying myself. I liken it to going swimming. Beforehand, I often feel like going swimming is so much trouble. I hate to get my hair wet, apply sunscreen, gather towels, etc. I know the water will be cold and it might be uncomfortable at first. And I am frankly just too lazy to be bothered sometimes.
After I get in and start swimming it feels GREAT and I am thinking, "How could I forget how much I LOVE swimming? I LOVE the water, I want to go swimming every day. I am never getting out of this pool." Afterward I feel healthy and happy and just generally better about life.

Wow... great metaphor! makes perfect sense.

However, I'm currently dealing with (here's the TMI) side effects of Prozac which are specifically (for me) inability to reach orgasm, rather than low sex drive. I would be freaking out except that I experienced it last time I took the drugs and it does go away after a couple months. I would probably still be willing to get down to it, except DH is extremely attached to the idea of mutual orgasms and doesn't seem to be able to let go of that idea. I get frustrated because he seems to think it is in my head and just keeps telling me to relax.

So for the last 2 weeks or so we have abstained because he can't handle my lack of climax. It is what it is.

that's tough... we have some technical difficulties when it comes to sex too, it has always been painful for me. i have seen MULTIPLE docs, specialists, and counselors, gotten acupuncture, herbs, energy therapy, hypnosis, you name it, i've done it. the latest counselor we've seen has been the most helpful in ways to get around it and minimize the pain, but it's still an issue. we've gone LONG times without sex, and it definitely has had an impact on our marriage. but we've learned a lot about how to communicate and cope with difficulties in our not quite four years of marriage that i think will help us in the future.

[khalloc]

I dont really have much of a sex drive. If DH would be the one to do the work (i.e, him on top and I dont have to do much), I would do it anytime he wants. But he likes me to be the one to do the work, so we dont have sex all that much. By the time the kids are in bed and my head hits the pillow I am OUT! I am just sooooo tired at the end of the day.

I do have an IUD, Mirena, and that may be the problem. I might get it taken out just to see.

[edurnemk]

9 times out of 10 "no sex drive = no sex"

But sometimes I feel like a bad wife and do it anyway. Not that often though.

I must say, that for me, ANY type of chemical/hormonal birth control does away with my sex drive. I've used everything on the market, they all do that to me. But I didn't realize it. I felt like a sex zombie. Just dead.



:yeahthat: Both things. And I'm currently on the BC pill, because DH refuses to go the natural family planning route again. Not that it matters since I feel even taking the BCP is a waste of time and money.

[pinkmomagain]

I do have an IUD, Mirena, and that may be the problem. I might get it taken out just to see.

OK, so I had mine taken out a few weeks ago because time's run out and I need a new one. Normally, my libido is pretty low but I'm of the "give it the old college try" mind. Well, around ovulation without Mirena - wow - haven't felt like that since my pregnancies! And it's still been better than average. Waiting for my period now so that I can get reinserted, but I have been debating between Mirena vs Paragaurd now because of increased drive. Problem is, I normally get menstrual migraines and Mirena helped with that. Plus, I've also seemed to put on a little weight these past few weeks that I'm blaming on hormones. Plus, plus, I'm not up for heavy painful periods on Paragaurd. So......I think it's going to be back to low libido on Mirena for me.

[Jacksmommy2b]

We have scheduled sex.

I have always had a super low drive and add to that two very small cosleeping kids and being 4 month PP after some nasty tearing and I could just as likely be a nun.

But sex is very important to M, more so emotionally than just physically so for the time being we have sex day. He never asks knowing he's sure to get it once a week. (and didn't once through my recovery and I waited 13 weeks) I like not having to stress about when/how, how long it's been and if M is feeling frustrated with a lack of lovin'.

I'm sure when S is a little more predictable and sex stops being uncomfortable we'll go back to random, more frequent, and exctiting sex - but for now we're both making do.

[bcafe]

We are the opposite. He has the low drive and unfortunately the "no" person has all of the power in a sexual relationship. I have quite simply given up asking. I did communicate this to DH and he seemed to respond positively to upping his game, so the ball is in his court.

[wendibird22]

We have scheduled sex.

I have always had a super low drive and add to that two very small cosleeping kids and being 4 month PP after some nasty tearing and I could just as likely be a nun.

But sex is very important to M, more so emotionally than just physically so for the time being we have sex day. He never asks knowing he's sure to get it once a week. (and didn't once through my recovery and I waited 13 weeks) I like not having to stress about when/how, how long it's been and if M is feeling frustrated with a lack of lovin'.

I'm sure when S is a little more predictable and sex stops being uncomfortable we'll go back to random, more frequent, and exctiting sex - but for now we're both making do.

So how did you reach this decision? Did you discuss what the schedule would be and when? I'm very intrigued.

For me, like OP, no drive=no sex. And I do find it is a strain on our relationship. DH definitely equates sex to my feelings about him so he takes it personally. And I can tell he feels defeated. But in my defense I have a 3mo and I'm TIRED and I'm breastfeeding and he always waits to initiate when I'm half asleep. I found myself in the same situation and I really, really had to make the effort. Glad to see I'm not alone.

[kmak]

I have zero sex drive. So, after it becoming a really big issue in our marriage, we worked out a schedule. Sounds really boring, but we're both very happy now. He has times that he knows for sure that we will have sex and I have times that I know I will not have to even think about it. It actually makes me more willing to actually have sex. Not during my time though. :)

[Globetrotter]

We are the opposite. He has the low drive and unfortunately the "no" person has all of the power in a sexual relationship. I have quite simply given up asking. I did communicate this to DH and he seemed to respond positively to upping his game, so the ball is in his court.

i'm glad you said this because we have the same issue, and talking to my GFs and reading everything in the popular media, I feel like a freak!

[edurnemk]

i'm glad you said this because we have the same issue, and talking to my GFs and reading everything in the popular media, I feel like a freak!

I learned not to listen to the media or my friends. Once on another parenting board there was a thread about how often people did it, and it made me want to cry, all but 2 posters claimed they did it anywhere from 5 times a week to 3 times a day. After thinking about it I decided not to believe most of those posts. I know most people don't have as long a dry spell as I've had, but still, everyday? Seriously, I feel people exagerate a lot because of expectations created by the media.

[mamicka]

I learned not to listen to the media or my friends. Once on another parenting board there was a thread about how often people did it, and it made me want to cry, all but 2 posters claimed they did it anywhere from 5 times a week to 3 times a day. After thinking about it I decided not to believe most of those posts. I know most people don't have as long a dry spell as I've had, but still, everyday? Seriously, I feel people exagerate a lot because of expectations created by the media.

I consider DH & I to be pretty normal/average in this department. That is based on nothing at all, I just feel like it's got to be. I can't imagine DTD more than once a day or even 5 times a week barring some special circumstances which I can't imagine. We shoot for at least once/week. Sometimes it's up to 3x & other times its only 2x/month (if someone's sick or having a particularly busy schedule, etc).

[Globetrotter]

I learned not to listen to the media or my friends. Once on another parenting board there was a thread about how often people did it, and it made me want to cry, all but 2 posters claimed they did it anywhere from 5 times a week to 3 times a day. After thinking about it I decided not to believe most of those posts. I know most people don't have as long a dry spell as I've had, but still, everyday? Seriously, I feel people exagerate a lot because of expectations created by the media.

My problem isn't frequency, and come on, who is doing it every day with kids to take care of? :ROTFLMAO: If you believe popular media, men are very "enthusiastic" while their wives are scheming to figure out ways to get out of it :D I've never seen a man portrayed as having the low sex drive or other difficulties (other than ED, which is not the case here)- maybe it's an ego thing for them, or maybe it is truly very rare (could be).

[Corie]

For me, like OP, no drive=no sex.




I'm the OP and that wasn't me! I have sex pretty much whenever
my DH wants it.

[JoyNChrist]

It's about 50/50 here. I have had absolutely no sex drive since getting pregnant this time...I mean I literally have not wanted to have sex once in the past 14 weeks. But I know this is a temporary, hormonal thing (before this pregnancy our sex drive was relatively matched), and I don't expect DH to just do without for 9 months. So I try to reciprocate when he's in the mood...not always, especially because I'm SO tired lately, but about half the time. I don't consider it a "favor" or anything - it's just something I do because I love him, like washing his clothes or fixing his lunch.

[trentsmom]

We are the opposite. He has the low drive and unfortunately the "no" person has all of the power in a sexual relationship. I have quite simply given up asking. I did communicate this to DH and he seemed to respond positively to upping his game, so the ball is in his court.

:yeahthat: I finally told DH that I was no longer going to be initiating. It is now all up to him. He told me things will get better after we have permanent birth control. Yeah, right. If things don't change after that, I'm going to insist that he get his hormones checked.

[Globetrotter]

:yeahthat: I finally told DH that I was no longer going to be initiating. It is now all up to him. He told me things will get better after we have permanent birth control. Yeah, right. If things don't change after that, I'm going to insist that he get his hormones checked.

Can it be hormonal for men? There are some issues but he was very upset when I suggested he check it out. sigh...

If I left it up to him entirely I'm not sure how motivated he would be, though I think he is trying somewhat. However, given the choice between say.. hiking or sex, he would choose the hike any day.

[jacksmomtobe]

To stop DH from complaining, whining I do it when I'm not in the mood. We usually have sex 2xs a week on Saturday & Sunday. The more he gets the more he wants however he leaves the house very early in the morning on weekdays and tends to go to bed early so that rules out the weekday. :) We have weird sleeping arrangements...dd sleeps with me & DH sleeps in the guest room (which I kinda like since he snores and is a light sleeper & seems to think he makes the call when its time to go to bed, with him in another room I can stay up as late as I like & actually get time for myself to read, be on the computer, etc..ok I'm going off subject). We end up doing it in the morning when the kids are downstairs playing. We shut the door which due to incorrect door knobs is too tough for the kids to open from the outside. Often DS & DD come up banging on the door wondering when we'll be done "talking" or when I'll be done "helping" Daddy which certainly helps the mood. And he wonders why sometimes I act like I'm checking something off my to do list when we are done. I believe that for a woman we have to mentally be in the game whereas men are more driven by the physical.

[Globetrotter]

[QUOTE=jacksmomtobe;2684450]We end up doing it in the morning when the kids are downstairs playing. We shut the door which due to incorrect door knobs is too tough for the kids to open from the outside. Often DS & DD come up banging on the door wondering when we'll be done "talking" or when I'll be done "helping" Daddy which certainly helps the mood. QUOTE]

Us, too - I even taught them how to pour their own cereal to facilitate this, and we finally got locks on our door about five years ago. No wonder we had a long, dry spell before that! :shake:

[JBaxter]

I havent read through all the responses but we still do pretty good together. I dont think i've turned down a "request" in a very very long time.

[jse107]

I have pretty much no sex drive, but we stillaverage about 3x/week. DH would go for it everyday if he had his way!

I WISH my drive was higher--I'm totally attracted to DH and I love him dearly!

[clc053103]

My friend once said Sex is like exercise- you sometimes dread doing it, but afterwards, you feel pretty good and you're glad you've done it!

That's what I tell myself when I'm not in the mood! And it's totally true!

[jent]

My friend once said Sex is like exercise- you sometimes dread doing it, but afterwards, you feel pretty good and you're glad you've done it!


Sums it up pretty well for me too.

I'm like a lot of PP's-- my drive is much less than DH's, so if we only did it when I was really in the mood, DH would be one unhappy guy. But I have to admit, very often once I "give in" to DH I do end up in the mood & enjoying it. I also have to say that there are those times when it's just one more thing on the checklist, but it's worthwhile b/c it improves DH's mood so much. (And I try really hard to hide from DH that I am in "checklist" mode, b/c his feelings would be really hurt.)

I have to say, though, that DH has picked up on the fact that when I'm overwhelmed or stressed I am so much more likely to turn him down. So, he realizes that doing things like doing the laundry or doing small cleaning tasks will have a big payoff for him. Works for me.

[ILoveLucy]

DH and I usually are both in the mood, so no problems.

However, on the nights I know I really don't want to, I wear my ugliest, totally no sex appeal, flannel loud-print pajamas to bed. DH refers to these as my "clown suit" and though it is mostly a joke between us, it is sort of an agreed-upon "no" before he even tries. :) He may still try, but he knows beforehand not to be disappointed if he gets no response. Of course, I can say no anytime I want and he will respect that, but these PJs are just a longstanding joke that we laugh over. Luckily I don't bring them out often!