being a SAHM and having some anxiety about re-entering the workforce...

[brgnmom]

Hi all,

I was talking to a cousin who is a full-time attorney and she has a preschooler. She told me how she understandably feels overworked but that she's glad that she does have job security. As a SAHM to a preschooler and pregnant again, I guess I'm anxious about the concept of job security and the possibility of re-entering the workforce in ?? years from now. My DH is in the medical field, and we agreed that I'd be a SAHM to provide a sense of stability in our family life, that would otherwise be lacking if I continued my own professional career track in health care.

I'm wondering how all the other SAHMs on this forum rationalize these potential concerns that come up. I don't think that my cousin wanted to worry me, but I'm also trying to be realistic. I'd love to hear your perspectives on how you stay in the moment as a SAHM and not worry about things like professional job security. I'm savoring every moment with my child, but I guess the comment that my cousin made did provide a little reality check. Thank you in advance.

[boogiemomz]

i'm no help, but i can relate... realistically it will be a while before i re-enter the workforce, and i just finished graduate school and got my professional certification, so i basically have NO experience except for what i did in grad school. i have this worry as well... afraid i will be obsolete by the time i am ready to go back to work and it will work for our family. will be interested to hear what other folks have to say...

[edurnemk]

I've loved being a SAHM, for the past 27 months, but I have gone through periods of anxiety about my career. I also feel left out sometimes, when others talk about their jobs, or I hear about the new projects from ex-coworkers. Then sometimes I wonder what I'd do if something happened to DH or if for some reason we split up... so I know what you mean...

I've tried reading and going to a few conferences in my field to stay up to date. I also freelanced every now and then for the company I used to work for before DS was born. That really helped.

I now work part time (started 3 weeks ago), mostly from home, that was important for me, because I would not want to miss so much time with DS. I really could not picture myself taking him to daycare and being away from him all day, 5 days a week. I also know several women who have rejoined the workforce after several years of being SAHMs, and they're doing OK. My mom was a SAHM and I remember how great it was to have her around at home afterschool, I want DS to have that.

To me the joys of being a SAHM outweight the sacrifice in my career, but it did require me to shift my expecations a little and to realize it's not the end of my career, I'm just taking a break for something very cool!

[brgnmom]

i'm no help, but i can relate... realistically it will be a while before i re-enter the workforce, and i just finished graduate school and got my professional certification, so i basically have NO experience except for what i did in grad school. i have this worry as well... afraid i will be obsolete by the time i am ready to go back to work and it will work for our family. will be interested to hear what other folks have to say...

yes, I don't have very much long-term work experience either... just degrees here as well, since my DH and I got married in my mid-20s and we had our DS right away. I don't regret choosing to be a SAHM, but I know that I won't have that guaranteed job security in the professional world, if I do decide to return at some point. It's challenging for me to stay connected with my prior professional contacts... it's hard enough to stay in close touch with friends and extended relatives IRL.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

all i can say is that in a similar boat too. i am a SAHM and plan to be for the next year or so. Even though my DS is only 3 mo old, i have not been working outside the home for almost 1.5 years, since we moved right as the economy tanked and i couldn't find a FT job. so when i go back to FT work, it will be ~3 years that i haven't worked at a FT job. i am an engineer and i always hear comments about how it isn't great to have "gaps" of not working, and how it important it is to keep up with current technologies etc. i just fear that when it comes to finding a FT job, employers will immediately dismiss me as a potential candidate for this reason. it sucks, and ppl wonder why there are so few women in engineering.. :(

[edurnemk]

all i can say is that in a similar boat too. i am a SAHM and plan to be for the next year or so. Even though my DS is only 3 mo old, i have not been working outside the home for almost 1.5 years, since we moved right as the economy tanked and i couldn't find a FT job. so when i go back to FT work, it will be ~3 years that i haven't worked at a FT job. i am an engineer and i always hear comments about how it isn't great to have "gaps" of not working, and how it important it is to keep up with current technologies etc. i just fear that when it comes to finding a FT job, employers will immediately dismiss me as a potential candidate for this reason. it sucks, and ppl wonder why there are so few women in engineering.. :(

I'm an engineer, too. I'd love to say to the HR people: it's not a gap of not working! I was working as a SAHM, that's a pretty big job. In fact, I'd love to put it in my resume as a job, :wink2: But, yeah, it has no relation to the engineering field.

[brgnmom]

To me the joys of being a SAHM outweight the sacrifice in my career, but it did require me to shift my expecations a little and to realize it's not the end of my career, I'm just taking a break for something very cool!

Thank you for sharing your experience! That's a good point about shifting the expectations and realizing that becoming a SAHM is not an end in your professional career. I am very grateful for the SAHM experience -- my mom was actually a WOHM and my grandparents took care of me full-time, and I really missed that early connection with my mom.

[ewpmsw]

i'm no help, but i can relate... realistically it will be a while before i re-enter the workforce, and i just finished graduate school and got my professional certification, so i basically have NO experience except for what i did in grad school. i have this worry as well... afraid i will be obsolete by the time i am ready to go back to work and it will work for our family. will be interested to hear what other folks have to say...

This is me, too. I had a year and half in the field after grad school before becoming a SAHM. I'm planning to return to social work when our kids are hitting kindegarten age. In the meantime, my vague plans look like this:

- maintain professional contacts

- stay abreast of developments by attending conferences/seminars, reading up on news/journals, etc.

- volunteer in church, community and other agencies like CASA to get more experience and make more contacts

I'm really nervous about stepping back into the field after so many years out, and being 40ish when it does finally happen. I'd be disappointed NOT to get back into social work/mental health and can't imagine being a SAHM the rest of my life because I really loved my field. I ignore the anxiety when it pops up and focus on being Mommy. I've given myself a deadline (DD #2 will be about 1 yo) for starting CASA training and I'm doing social worky stuff through our church to feel like I'm using that MSW. I hate networking, but see that it's going to be critical when I start looking to jump back into the field.

I wish you all luck!

[niccig]

I didn't worry too much until DH's job started to become less secure. They've had rounds of lay offs. DS is 5 now, and I am thinking about returning to work as I always knew I would when he got to school age. I've started to apply for some jobs, part-time, but with gap in resume (I did volunteer), wanting to career change and current unemployment rate, I'm not expecting much.

I think I'm going to end up going back to school if I want to do the career change - that still leaves me having to get a new job with no real experience in that area. I'm doing a part-time project for my old employer and our accountant asked me to work in his office during tax time - so I'll have a few recent things on the resume.

I know other SAHM mothers have re-entered the workforce, but I think it took a while for them to find something, and it was at lower level and pay rate.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I'm an engineer, too. I'd love to say to the HR people: it's not a gap of not working! I was working as a SAHM, that's a pretty big job. In fact, I'd love to put it in my resume as a job, :wink2: But, yeah, it has no relation to the engineering field.

i know, right..well i guess i could put it in and say i was a "domestic engineer" :p

[egoldber]

I know other SAHM mothers have re-entered the workforce, but I think it took a while for them to find something, and it was at lower level and pay rate.

This was my experience. When DH was laid off in fall of 2008, I had been out of the work force for 7 years. After 6 months of serious job hunting, I found work, but at a significantly lower level and pay. I left as a senior manager in biotech making $100K+ and returned making well less than that.

OTOH, my current job is basically no stress (from the job), the work is relatively easy, I put in my time and leave it behind me. Which is pretty perfect for me right now. When I was in my previous job I looked askance at people like me :p and I know people look at me like that now, but whatever. It is what it is. I wouldn't trade those years at home for anything.

[lmwbasye]

I'm having a REALLY hard time with this right now. I've been home for 2 years. The first year, DH was deployed and the school district wouldn't let me have 2 weeks off for R&R so I quit. This year, we moved and knowing it was just for the year, I decided to stay home. Well, we are moving again and my certification expires at the end of next year. Either I work (and it will transfer) or it expires, and I'm not sure how I go about getting it back.

That being said, I am a teacher and have seen how hard it CAN be for kiddos with two working parents and I truly do want to be home for my kiddos through their school years in the afternoons. I would like to think I could do that with teaching, but with conferences, meetings, prep time, that just isn't reality most of the time. So, I would like to stay home, but enjoy it more. I LOVED teaching and I do LIKE staying home...but haven't found the love for it I thought I would. We've had a lot going on (two moves, DH home from 15 month deployment, 2 miscarriages, etc) in the past year, so I'm hoping that once things settle more after this next move (as much as it can for the Army) that I'll find the love for it.

Because I really do miss teaching. So much. But for now, I guess it's a sacrifice I'm choosing to make for my kiddos knowing that maybe I'll just never go back to it.

Hugs...I know it's def. a bit stressful to think about.

[tmarie]

I feel very anxious about this. I am completely torn up over the decision as we speak. It feels like I'm having an identity crisis. I like to work. I like to have a professional identity. I like to have my own money. History: I have a JD but am licensed to practice in a different state, so for the last 5yrs I've been doing commission based work from a home office. I had tons of flexibility--was great when the economy was booming--is terrible now. I need to decide whether I want to be a SAHM and pull the kids out of daycare or look for a new WOH job (which would require the kids to be at daycare much longer than I'm comfortable with). So far I've had no luck with my job search anyway--everyone thinks I'm overqualified and assumes I will be too expensive. It is SO frustrating. I know that financially it would almost make the most sense for me to take a break, but I am very concerned that it will be even tougher to find something if I stop working and have a gap to contend with. I already feel a little insecure that I haven't been in a traditional office environment for 5 years. Dh has a very good job, but now that he is a partner his income fluctuates, which is a little nerve wracking. Also, I just don't like the feeling of not being able to support myself and my family should something ever happen to dh. My FIL had a heart attack at age 45, so that's always in the back of my mind. And finally, I want my daughters to grow up seeing their mom work. I want them to be motivated to go out and cultivate careers of their own.

tmarie

[edurnemk]

It feels like I'm having an identity crisis. I like to work. I like to have a professional identity. I like to have my own money.

This exactly was the core of my uneasiness. It took some time but I overcame the identity crisis. I once heard someone on Oprah say that when you become a mom you have to redefine/reinvent yourself. That is so true. You are not just a professional woman, you're not just a mom... you have to find your new self and make it work.

For me the urge to be professionally active, earn my money, etc was not as strong as the desire to keep DS out of daycare and be there for him. I think each woman needs to define her own priorities and find her balance, though.

[chottumommy]

I'm currently WOHM and a software engineer. I would love to be a SAHM for atleast a few years but I'm terrified to make that move. I wish employers looked at the gap as something positive that a person does for their family but in reality it is not so. I have been involved in hiring for a few positions in the last few months and I saw firsthand how easily people get dismissed. It's not that women with gaps are not considered, but there are so many other people (men) who have no gaps and are currently doing something related to the job requirements that they are automatically picked first for a phone screening. If they do well there is no need to consider the others.:shake:

A very good friend of mine who took about 8 months off and now applied to the same company for a contracting position was rejected. I feel terrible for her since her husband got laid off recently and they are desperate for one of them to land a job soon.

I don't want to sound negative but rather wanted to put out what really happens in the corporate world(atleast in engineering).

[happymomma]

I was a SAHM for 6 years when I decided to go back to work. I think I was lucky in that the job found me and not the other way around. It was hard for a bit b/c I worked crazy hours (6am - 2pm) MWF. But the reason is so that I can be home when the kids are off from school. This way I am home whenever they are home. THe only thing is that I'm exhausted by the time I pick them up. So it's been hard adjusting. I wished I had one day in which they were both at school so that I can do stuff for myself. But it has been nice getting the extra paycheck. I love the flexibility of the job and the job isn't that demanding. It was a slight pay cut from my previous job but the responsiblities are not that much. I don't travel so that is nice also. I was lucky that my new employer didn't seem to bat an eye when they saw my gap in the position. I think I was able to interview well and had good reasonings for things so they were able to overlook it. I was just surprised that they were willing to take me as a part time employee when they were looking for a FT employee. Now it's been almost 9months since I started. I do like it and I can't imagine staying home all the time.

[jenfromnj]

I am struggling with the same thing right now, too. I am an attorney who worked crazy hours at a large firm prior to having DS. I have been home with him for over a year now, and while I enjoy being home with him, I know in the long run, there are several good reasons for me to return to work, both for me personally and for my family. However, I have realized that I can't go back to what I was doing before. I am just not willing to have zero flexibility, ridiculously long hours, etc--my job essentially required me to constantly arrange and rearrange my life around it, and I am just not willing to do that now that DS is in the picture. My situation is also complicated by the fact that my DH works long hours and doesn't have a very flexible schedule at all, and I am not comfortable with us both being gone from early in the morning til all hours of the night. Pre-DS, we both had similar jobs so it kind of worked, but now we agree that one of us needs to be "around" for DS.

This all leaves me somewhat floundering as I decide what I CAN do--I have been exploring alternate ways to use my degrees and work experience (and some awesome BBB'ers gave me fantastic suggestions in that regard in a recent post), but am also considering doing something else entirely, and possibly returning to school to do so. I'd love to find a family-friendly, part-time job in my old field, but the odds of that are very slim.

I do somewhat feel that the clock is ticking, as several of you have said. It seems that there's a certain inertia to working (for me, at least), and the farther I get from it, the harder it will be for me to get back into the groove and be good and productive at my job. While I feel very fortunate to be able to stay home with DS, it definitely seems to have complicated matters!

[niccig]

OTOH, my current job is basically no stress (from the job), the work is relatively easy, I put in my time and leave it behind me. Which is pretty perfect for me right now. When I was in my previous job I looked askance at people like me :p and I know people look at me like that now, but whatever. It is what it is. I wouldn't trade those years at home for anything.

This is what I'm looking for. I just need someone who is willing to look at my resume and realise that yes I am overqualified, yes I have had a 5 year gap, but I am willing to do this job and do it well. If I get an interview, I can convince the hiring manager of that, it's getting past HR that is the difficult part. The job I applied for today would be perfect for me, I have the IT skills and want to change into this industry, it's part-time and the office is FIVE minutes from my house...fingers crossed to see if I get past the HR staff.

I had this same problem when I got my first job in the USA. I didn't get any interviews despite my qualifications recognized by the industry's association and had 2 year gap because of immigration process, I had volunteered doing similar work for that time frame etc. I finally got an interview and got the job as I could explain in person my work experience. We just have to hang in there, someone will give us a chance to prove ourselves.

[sunnyside]

You can't worry about it. You just have to do what's best for your family. I have had gaps in my work history because of getting another degree or doing 6 months of hurricane relief work.

Sure I could have stayed in my first career and not left and I could be like my friend and make a solid figure income. She also commutes about an hour and a half or so each way and works 50 hours a week.

Instead I don't make nearly as much money, but I make a great wage for my area and I do my work from home and can stay home with my baby and work. Anything is possible. If you are smart, can interview well, and have great work ethic, those are the keys and nearly anything can be accomplished.

[fumofu]

Warning: This is a long post that ended with me blabbering off topic. Feel free to ignore.

I am also very anxious about finding a job. I basically earned my graduate degree in molecular biology in July 2009 and have not done anything with it since. DH and I got married in October, and we got pregnant right after and are expecting early August this year. I don't plan on being a SAHM for very long, but am afraid that will be my fate. I was looking for a job halfheartedly last year but did not hear from anything. Being out of the market for 1+ year will even lower my chances of finding a job.

But now that we're expecting, my view of my career has completely changed. Before, I would not care if I get a job with long hours. That was how it was when I was a grad student, and basically doing the same job but at a much higher pay seemed so appealing. Now I could care less of what I will do during the day, as long as I can go home by the clock so I can get home to my future kid. Also, we plan on having 2 kids, at about 2 years apart. If I end up working, my salary will have to at least cover the cost of childcare, which may be difficult for the kinds of 8-5 jobs I would like to find in my industry.

Being out of work (I was getting a measly income for my student research position) and having to rely on DH for income have been a concern, something that I have not talked to him much about. He feels fine that I am unemployed and would not mind me being a SAHM. With this economical climate, we cannot say his job is completely secure, even if his boss likes him. I definitely feel like a dead weight, even though DH assures me that I'm not.

But like you ladies say, not bringing in an income and not having a career makes me feel like I have lost my identity. Not only that, I feel like I have disappointed my parents by not doing anything with my career, and that I wasted 6 years in grad school. I also feel like my in-laws are looking down on me for smooching off of their son on our comfortable lifestyle.

In addition to all this, DH and I are looking for a house. I feel like not bringing in an income has made it so that we cannot afford our dream house in a good school district. I have recently inherited a large sum of money, which will go into our house fund. While I am grateful to have inherited this money, I feel like I am taking it for granted because I did not earn it.

OK, sorry I got completely off topic. But I feel so much better getting all this off my chest! Thank you for reading this to the end.

[boogiemomz]

Warning: This is a long post that ended with me blabbering off topic. Feel free to ignore.

I am also very anxious about finding a job. I basically earned my graduate degree in molecular biology in July 2009 and have not done anything with it since. DH and I got married in October, and we got pregnant right after and are expecting early August this year. I don't plan on being a SAHM for very long, but am afraid that will be my fate. I was looking for a job halfheartedly last year but did not hear from anything. Being out of the market for 1+ year will even lower my chances of finding a job.

But now that we're expecting, my view of my career has completely changed. Before, I would not care if I get a job with long hours. That was how it was when I was a grad student, and basically doing the same job but at a much higher pay seemed so appealing. Now I could care less of what I will do during the day, as long as I can go home by the clock so I can get home to my future kid. Also, we plan on having 2 kids, at about 2 years apart. If I end up working, my salary will have to at least cover the cost of childcare, which may be difficult for the kinds of 8-5 jobs I would like to find in my industry.

Being out of work (I was getting a measly income for my student research position) and having to rely on DH for income have been a concern, something that I have not talked to him much about. He feels fine that I am unemployed and would not mind me being a SAHM. With this economical climate, we cannot say his job is completely secure, even if his boss likes him. I definitely feel like a dead weight, even though DH assures me that I'm not.

But like you ladies say, not bringing in an income and not having a career makes me feel like I have lost my identity. Not only that, I feel like I have disappointed my parents by not doing anything with my career, and that I wasted 6 years in grad school. I also feel like my in-laws are looking down on me for smooching off of their son on our comfortable lifestyle.

In addition to all this, DH and I are looking for a house. I feel like not bringing in an income has made it so that we cannot afford our dream house in a good school district. I have recently inherited a large sum of money, which will go into our house fund. While I am grateful to have inherited this money, I feel like I am taking it for granted because I did not earn it.

OK, sorry I got completely off topic. But I feel so much better getting all this off my chest! Thank you for reading this to the end.

don't forget that SAHMs are not sitting around all day mooching off their husbands and living the good life... that's work too! and extremely important work that has to be done by someone... if it's not you, it's someone you're paying. i totally understand feeling like you've lost your identity though. you also made a good point that, if you went back to work, most if not all of your paycheck would likely go to child care, so you would be breaking even at best, so still not contributing much of your earnings to the house fund. not "earning" the inheritance does not mean you take it for granted! you're being too hard on yourself. you had that money coming to you and i can't think of a better way to invest it than to put it into a home for your family. whomever that money came from would be honored and thrilled to be helping enable you to do that with your family.

good luck with the decision. CONGRATS on your graduate degree--that is a huge accomplishment, no matter what happens from here on out! because becoming a mother is also something to celebrate. you have a lot to be thankful for and be proud of! hang in there and life has a way of working itself out, i believe. :hug:

[♥ms.pacman♥]

wow, well at least it's nice to know i'm not the only one dealing with this. i totally agree with the identity crisis thing, and the whole wow-did-i-just-work-my-ass-off-for-6-years-of-graduate school for-nothing thinking.

also, for the most part, engineering is not something you can really do part-time..i've yet to meet someone IRL who has done it. the only thing i've heard of is moms only working 4 days a week at 80% pay, and that's if their boss is super nice and they had been working there years already and so he agreed to to keep the person on. i know some moms who work from 7a-4pm, but that's difficult to do (have to wake up super early), and plus even that's not enough time to be there when kids get home from school. working only till 3pm is difficult because then u miss out on a lot of afternoon meetings that way. again, not something u can start off with, you have to be at your company for years, know your boss for years, something which i don't have.

and yes part of the reason i want to start working is that i HATE relying on DH's income alone. i like making my own $$, and i don't like worrying what if he loses his job etc, even though its highly unlikely. my mom was a SAHM and my dad was also an engineer and i remember things were a bit stressful growing up because my dad was always worried about getting laid off.

sorry i'm not provide much advice here, just wanted to commiserate.

[tmarie]

It took some time but I overcame the identity crisis. I once heard someone on Oprah say that when you become a mom you have to redefine/reinvent yourself. That is so true. You are not just a professional woman, you're not just a mom... you have to find your new self and make it work.

This is such a helpful way of thinking about it. I do feel like I need to find a "new" me to make everything work and find some balance.

It's comforting to hear I'm not the only mom struggling with this!

tmarie

[scrooks]

also, for the most part, engineering is not something you can really do part-time..i've yet to meet someone IRL who has done it. the only thing i've heard of is moms only working 4 days a week at 80% pay, and that's if their boss is super nice and they had been working there years already and so he agreed to to keep the person on.



I am an enigneer actually luck enough to have this deal. My boss pretty much lets me set my own schedule. After DD I worked half time (20 hours a week...obviously half pay but still full benefits). After DS I now work only 16 hours a week (less pay and now no benefits). I consider myself EXTREMELY luck to have such a deal although it's not without it's challenges. My work isn't always something I can work on and just leave until the next time I come in. They are ongoing projects. I haven't quite figured out if it's even worth it to continue but I love being out of the house with adults for two days a week and I am keeping my "foot in the door" and my license up to date. I often wish that I could just quit (DH actually wants me to) but for the previous listed reasons and my own "work identity"...I haven't been able to quit....

It's been interesting to see that there are other engineer mommies out there!

[edurnemk]

I am an enigneer actually luck enough to have this deal. My boss pretty much lets me set my own schedule.

ME too!!! And I'm very thankful. But like Mrs. Pacman said, I do work for the firm I used to work for before DS was born...

[sunnyside]

ME too!!! And I'm very thankful. But like Mrs. Pacman said, I do work for the firm I used to work for before DS was born...

I'm very lucky to have a similar deal myself. I don't have benefits unless I work a consistent 32 hours a week, but I have been exceedingly flexible with my boss and they are very flexible with me as well.

[kozachka]

I have recently accepted a job offer. When I applied, I listed "stay at home parent during XXXX-XXXX" in other section, and project based/part time work during these years in the work experience section of my resume. I was referred to this job by a friend who works for the company so it was easier to get past HR.

My first job after being a SAHM essentially found me. Someone who DH and I knew for many years desperately needed a person with my personality and skillset. I was willing to work for less money just to get back into the work world, so it was a win-win situation. Both times I got in because I knew someone internally, and both times the position had to be filled ASAP and I was available. So if you are serious about going back to what you did before, you absolutely have to stay in touch with your professional contacts, keep up with your industry even a little bit so you have something to talk to them other than kids, and be flexible and patient.

[brgnmom]

Hi all,

Thank you for taking the time to write and share your experiences related to re-entering the professional workforce, either part-time or full-time. It'll be awhile probably before I can get some experience professionally, but I really appreciate your ideas of volunteering, attending relevant conference, and staying in contact with your professional colleagues.

I enjoyed reading all your responses, and I'm relieved to know that I'm not alone in feeling the way that I do. I told my DH this morning that he had it "easier" in the sense that he can pursue his professional goals, while not having to worry about childcare options (since I'm already at home with our DS and I will continue to be a SAHM with the second one later this year). It is challenging to find that balance. My mom has kindly offered to help out when we move back to the west coast, so that I can pursue part-time options or return to school.

Thank you all again. :D
Michelle