12 month old biting on purpose

[lmh2402]

adding to my craptastic day, my son is definitely and for sure...biting me on purpose

i went through a short phase when i tried to pretend that he was confused about kissing

but no. he gives kisses

and lately, when he is pissed...he bites.

and he will frantically try to do it again and again and again

how do i stop him?

please tell me. i have a bite mark on the tip of my nose for the last few days. my finger bled earlier today from his shark teeth. i say no very sternly and he starts crying hysterically and trying to do it over and over again

i don't even understand where he learned this?! it's not like anyone has been biting him... how did he figure out to do this when he's mad

please...i need some advice. offering an alternative for him to chew on has not worked...he just tosses it and comes at me for more

and he is biting others too...not just me...any / all caretakers that upset him

thanks

[neeleymartin]

ds2 bites/used to bite. we would sternly say "no biting!" put him down and walk away. he would throw a screaming/crying/pucker-lip fit, but it stopped the biting. hth.

[malphy]

Bite him back and see how he likes it.

I am not kidding, I have 25 dn's and this was the only way a few of them learned to stop.

You also have to be extemely stern when you tell them not to bite or they will not take it seriously and think it is funny and/or a game.

I am so sorry you are being bitten. My sis used to bite me all the time and it is no fun.

maggie

[Leeannpk]

I had a biter. It started at 15 months and didn't stop until after his 3rd birthday. Here's how I *wish* I had consistently handled it: Set up a pack-n-play in a room you don't use often. When he bites, say "Biting HURTS!", put him in the pack-n-play and walk away. He'll probably freak out. That's OK. Leave him for 2-3 minutes and then come back and repeat, "Biting HURTS. We do NOT bite."

Repeat *every single time* he bites.

I think I wasn't harsh enough from the very start because I kept thinking, "He's just a baby! You can't punish a BABY!", but it got out of control quickly. He bit friends, me, my DH, his siblings. It became a HUGE problem, and I really regret not being much, much firmer from the get-go.

Oh, and I did bite him back once. It made him bite MORE. I wouldn't count on that working. For kids who watch their parents closely, it can completely backfire because it sends the message that biting is OK. How can it be wrong if mom does it? Also, in order for them to really get the picture of how much it hurts, you have to bite them pretty hard. Like hard enough to leave a mark. Not something you want to have explain to the pediatrician or another adult.

I feel your pain. I really, really do.

[swrc00]

We used the pack and play to give DS a time out when he bit. It was the only way we could get him to stop.

[malphy]

Oh, and I did bite him back once. It made him bite MORE. I wouldn't count on that working. For kids who watch their parents closely, it can completely backfire because it sends the message that biting is OK. How can it be wrong if mom does it? Also, in order for them to really get the picture of how much it hurts, you have to bite them pretty hard. Like hard enough to leave a mark. Not something you want to have explain to the pediatrician or another adult.



As I stated, I have 25 nieces and nephews and they all bit at one time. Some were ok with a stern "no bite" and being ignored for a few moments but others did not respond to that. The stubborn ones were talked to sternly and given good bite. Obviously it was not a bite to draw blood but enough to be unpleasant. Who would bite a child hard enough to be seen by a pediatrician??!! That was not what I was saying at all.

The conversation was something like....We do not bite anybody because it hurts and is not nice. Biting hurts. How would you like being bitten? Here is how it feels to be bitten.

Obviously your technique was not helpful for your son or those he bit for a year and a half.

[m448]

Two clues:

He's likely teething intensely.
He's also preverbal.

It's enough to use biting (other kids use hitting, throwing, etc.) as an outlet for frustration when they can't express themselves. But your third clue is mentioning he does it when he's upset. It seems like you may be missing some nonverbal cues about when he's done with an activity or a game/joke you may be playing. Paying closer attention to those cues will likely head off the problem more efficiently.

Also I would NEVER bite a child for biting. They have absolutely no logic/reasoning skills to put that together and if certain children stop it's at a price of being hurt/embarrased by a parent and they WILL still find another annoying behavior as an outlet for the frustration.

So plan of action: Pay attention to him at those moments right before he bites. Does he not like a game you're playing? Is he done with an activity and you're trying to prolong it? Go down the HALT list mentally. Is he Hungry, Angry (frustrated), Lonely or Tired? Fill that need right then and there (snack, snuggles, hugs, nap). Then if he does bite, I would sternly say, "no biting momma. Pat pat" while I held his hand stroking my face gently (to offer now a positive behavior that substitutes the negative). Then shadow him in playdates until he moves past this with your help. Yes that means you'll be literally his shadow at playdates forgoing parental chit chat to keep an eye out for those body cues that shows he's reached his frustration limit.

All three of my kids have responded well to this including my one that's more spirited than the others.

[Leeannpk]

As I stated, I have 25 nieces and nephews and they all bit at one time. Some were ok with a stern "no bite" and being ignored for a few moments but others did not respond to that. The stubborn ones were talked to sternly and given good bite. Obviously it was not a bite to draw blood but enough to be unpleasant. Who would bite a child hard enough to be seen by a pediatrician??!! That was not what I was saying at all.

The conversation was something like....We do not bite anybody because it hurts and is not nice. Biting hurts. How would you like being bitten? Here is how it feels to be bitten.

Obviously your technique was not helpful for your son or those he bit for a year and a half.

1) I apologize for not phrasing it more clearly: I wasn't implying that the child would need to be seen by the ped for being bitten, but that the adult size bite marks would be hard to explain to a ped or other adult should they see them. In fact, on the CPS thread I believe someone said that they had reported a family when a child had been bitten by an adult.

2) As I clearly stated, I was not stern or consistent enough from a very young age. I am suggesting that the OP learn from my mistakes. And, seeing as I did bite him back and it didn't work, obviously your technique was not helpful to him or his victims, either.

[Kymberley]

:hug: I'm sorry, this sounds so frustrating. I'm just wondering why he's so frantic about repeating the biting? Is that how children usually are? I'm sincerely asking because I have no idea. We aren't there yet with DS, so I'm very curious. I truly hope you can resolve this quickly.

[lmh2402]

thanks, all

i'm not comfortable with trying to bite him back, so regardless of whether that works, i don't think that's an option for me/us

i will definitely try to pay better attention to his cues

but, using this as the last example of the day, he wanted to pull the dog's ears. i told him no. he started crying and bit me.

so i let the dog slip into his little area that we have kind of blocked off...where he can go and feel safe if/when he is skittish b/c of G. so dog is there, being calm and fine.

but G is literally trying to vault over the blockade

i am trying to distract him with the toys. not working and he is whirling around trying to bite me

so i put on some music and try to distract him that way...he usually loves to dance around. but not this time, he was screaming bloody murder and chomping on my collarbone

so what did i miss on this? b/c my take is that he was just not getting his way

it is situations like this...when he wants to be doing / touching something that is not allowed, when he turns to frantic biting

thanks, guys

i really appreciate all your tips - i definitely need them

[m448]

All human beings want their own way. We just mature into a little bit of impulse control (some better than others) by the time we're adults. ;)

Yes he intensely wanted to mess with the dog's ears. Yes he had a very big reaction to it. You did well by removing him from the situation but remember just doing that will not remove his feelings about it, nor should it. Even though he is preverbal it's never too early to begin to reflect feelings. It makes a child comfortable as they aquire words to tell you what's going on with them.

My suggestion? Go silly on him. He was angry because he wanted to mess with the dog but couldn't. I would stomp my feet and pound my fist and say, "oh no! G wants to pull on the dog's ears but he can't. He is SOO, SOOO angry! He must be angry enough to want to hit this pillow" then offer him a couch pillow or beanbag to go to town. Don't worry that he'll turn his hitting on the pillow to then hitting someone or something inappropriate. It will serve as an outlet. If he doesn't feel like silly that day and melts even further when you do the angry dance then just hug him (facing away from you if it's safer from the teeth then whisper in his ear, "I hear you're very frustrated. We don't hurt people or animals in this house. I will hold you while you take some deep breaths" then take some deep breaths yourself to give him a clue as to what to do. Mostly you're saving him from himself. His emotions will only intensify as he gets older and it's developmentally set even though it feels crazy.

read this short blurb that will help you realize how normal (if inappropriate) this really is at that age:

http://aolff.org/quick-reference/aggressive-toddlers/what-about-biting

[kmillini]

My son was also a biter for a few months. It didn't really help any that he was around an older cousin a lot that was also a biter. He did seem to bite more when he was teething. So, my advice may not help as much because he would bite even when he was not mad. However, a little after he was a year old I started putting him in the time out chair. I would tell him not to bite and then make him sit there for a few minutes. I guess that this is the same idea as putting him in a pack-and-play. However, it did seem to help. He does not bite now. I still use the time out chair for bad behavior. I have found that it usually stops the bad behavior. Now, just threatening to put him in the time out chair usually stops the behavior. I know that all kids are different and respond to different things, but it is worth a try.

[lmh2402]

His emotions will only intensify as he gets older and it's developmentally set even though it feels crazy.

honestly, this frightens me. he is a super intense kid already.

i have tried the silly/distract and 99% of the time, it doesn't work. he is extremely focused...so he is not easily distracted when upset

i will try the outward hold and see if that helps

he just seems...young to be dealing with this already

ugh. thanks

[m448]

Hang in there. His emotions will intensify as they develop but he'll do much better if you reassure him that you (and daddy) are wayyy bigger than his emotions and can take it. That means you show him consistency, give him tools as he grows up so he can handle his own emotions and really all will fall into place. I've read your threads and I remember with my oldest (now 6.5) going through almost exactly the same issues with him being just a bit more intense than other kids his age. He's still intense but now that he's maturing his intensity is a positive. He's still turned out to be a thoughtful, kind and spirited child that is a joy to be around most days (because really we all have our bad days).

Now that he's a bit younger it might be a good idea to get a head start on some reading. Here are some recommendations.

Your One Year Old (ignore the outdated parenting advice but pay attention to the developmental observations. They will totally make you feel normal).

Raising Your Spirited Child. A great one to let you see the positives in his intensities and also to channel it well.

Dealing With Disappointment. Short read, great for acquiring tools on how to help him deal with his feelings. They exist, there's no getting around it. You can equip him to deal with them effectively.

[gatorsmom]

honestly, this frightens me. he is a super intense kid already.

i have tried the silly/distract and 99% of the time, it doesn't work. he is extremely focused...so he is not easily distracted when upset

i will try the outward hold and see if that helps

he just seems...young to be dealing with this already

ugh. thanks

Three of mine have tried this at one time or another. I've tried ALL the techniques and the ones that have worked the best have been 1-moving out of the way quickly when you suspect a bite is coming, 2- NOT screaming or making a huge commotion out of it (the child may be biting because they want attention so screaming or yelling may be encouraging them), and 3- disciplining them IMMEDIATELY. I really like the idea of putting them in a pack n play in another room. If the child IS looking for attention, then being put in another room all alone immediately after trying to bite will really give them the opposite of what they want. I would think this would do a good job of deterring them from biting. And I would think it wouldn't take too long til they associate one with the other.

It took a LONG time for Cha cha to stop biting. He was looking for attention- I know this now. Remember, this is very likely just a phase and even if you never find a successful way of dealing with it, it's not likely your child will be going off to kindergarten still biting. It's annoying now, but it will pass. :hug:

[m448]

Just realized one more thing as I posted quickly before.

There's a difference between distraction and validation. Distracting him with unrelated silly songs or dancing while he's upset will actually increase his frenetic drive to prove to you that he's really upset (thus the more biting). When I mentioned the angry dance it's not just a distraction tool, it's actually validating his anger/frustration albeit in a silly manner. So even though it seems like a very minor difference it's actually a pretty big one that kids pick up on. During the latter former he's thinking, "but no mommay I'm reallllly angry!" while in the latter he's realized you know what he's feeling and are helping him work through the emotion rather than denying it.

It's like me coming to my husband to vent aobut something and he instead tried to chit chat about his day vs. saying "wow, you sound really upset by that. Would you like to go for a walk?" and then giving me a hug. The first one denies my feelings, the second validates them.

[essnce629]

Is he overtired at all when he bites? My best friend's daughter was a biter and she noticed that she would bite more when she was getting tired.

DS2 is 10 months and has started biting me too. I think he thinks it's funny, but he also has 4 top teeth coming in right now so I'm sure that's part of it. Today I kept giving him his "alien mushroom man" (toy similar to Sofie the Giraffe) whenever he'd try to bite me and told him to bite that instead.

[lmh2402]

no, i don't find that it's just when he's tired

in fact, this morning my DH got him up and changed his diaper...i heard him happy and laughing

they then came into our bedroom. he put g on our bed. he crawled right over to me. smiling. he gave me a nice kiss on my cheek. and then he bit me on my chin. and i sat up and said, No Biting. not yelling, but stern

and he started crying hysterically and trying to bite me again and again

DH had to take him away and bring him in the other room to calm down

DH and i agreed that tonight we will discuss our plan for dealing and move forward on a consistent basis ASAP

again, many thanks to all!

[JTsMom]

I'll second (third?) the suggestion to try to avoid the bites. Be on the lookout for them coming. You'll learn his pattern pretty quickly.

My son is also very spirited, and the thing that always has worked the best for us is giving him an alternative, acceptable method of showing the emotion. You might have some success with this at this age, even though he is really young.

Some book- I want to say it was one by Karp (which only had a little bit of good stuff in it, btw), but I'm not positive- recs doing a bit of a "caveman" routine. Make your words really simple, but passionate. "Ouch! No bite! Hurts!" "DC is ANGRY" "Stomp feet when angry!" Stomp, stomp, stomp. "Say 'MAD!!!'" You get the picture. Validate and teach a better way.

Now that DS is older, I don't go quite so caveman-like, but I still have to repeat things a surprising amount of times to be able to break through his angry shell so that he can hear me. "You WANTED that!" "You REALLY REALLY WANTED that!" "You are frustrated!", etc. Eventually, it's like you see a lightbulb go off, and a thought bubble above their heads that says, "Hey, Mom really does get it! Ok, I've been heard, I can move on."

As for the frustration, I always hear brittone's voice in my head. LOL She has posted here about "not riding the wave" of your child's emotions, and that it's ok that they are upset- but you don't have to be upset too. It's kind of my mantra when I find myself in those situations.

[carolinamama]

ds2 bites/used to bite. we would sternly say "no biting!" put him down and walk away. he would throw a screaming/crying/pucker-lip fit, but it stopped the biting. hth.

:yeahthat:

I recently set up the pack and play and now put him in there for a minute or two after he bites. It seems to be helping. In our case DS2 likes the reaction he gets (a loud "ow" or squeal from us in pain) so we try to minimize the reaction and give him no attention for biting.

[teedeedee]

but, using this as the last example of the day, he wanted to pull the dog's ears. i told him no. he started crying and bit me.

so i let the dog slip into his little area that we have kind of blocked off...where he can go and feel safe if/when he is skittish b/c of G. so dog is there, being calm and fine.

but G is literally trying to vault over the blockade

i am trying to distract him with the toys. not working and he is whirling around trying to bite me

so i put on some music and try to distract him that way...he usually loves to dance around. but not this time, he was screaming bloody murder and chomping on my collarbone

so what did i miss on this? b/c my take is that he was just not getting his way

it is situations like this...when he wants to be doing / touching something that is not allowed, when he turns to frantic biting


This sounds so much like what we went through with DD when she was about that age. We quickly realized that it was because she didn't know how to deal with her frustration. It lasted for a few months. We had a few incident reports from daycare for the biting- not good. We would sternly say "no biting" and walk away from her. Often she would throw herself on the ground and pitch a fit. Us walking away did seem to help, but not solve the problem. She finally stopped once she became more verbal and could tell us she was upset in other ways.

I know it's hard, but just be consistent with him. He's too little to understand logic, but a consistent response from you will eventually make him understand that it's not an accepted behavior.

[kcandz]

All human beings want their own way. We just mature into a little bit of impulse control (some better than others) by the time we're adults. ;)

Yes he intensely wanted to mess with the dog's ears. Yes he had a very big reaction to it. You did well by removing him from the situation but remember just doing that will not remove his feelings about it, nor should it. Even though he is preverbal it's never too early to begin to reflect feelings. It makes a child comfortable as they aquire words to tell you what's going on with them.

My suggestion? Go silly on him. He was angry because he wanted to mess with the dog but couldn't. I would stomp my feet and pound my fist and say, "oh no! G wants to pull on the dog's ears but he can't. He is SOO, SOOO angry! He must be angry enough to want to hit this pillow" then offer him a couch pillow or beanbag to go to town. Don't worry that he'll turn his hitting on the pillow to then hitting someone or something inappropriate. It will serve as an outlet. If he doesn't feel like silly that day and melts even further when you do the angry dance then just hug him (facing away from you if it's safer from the teeth then whisper in his ear, "I hear you're very frustrated. We don't hurt people or animals in this house. I will hold you while you take some deep breaths" then take some deep breaths yourself to give him a clue as to what to do. Mostly you're saving him from himself. His emotions will only intensify as he gets older and it's developmentally set even though it feels crazy.

We use a variation of this which is from Happiest Toddler on the Block, I believe. It has been HUGELY helpful with biting and hitting. DC is not super verbal but I can *see* the calming when I repeat back, with some modified intensity to match, DC feelings. Usually my DC is crying or upset before the bite/hit so I can intercept.

We echo the behavior with description of frustration first, then follow with why it is not allowed. "DC is frustrated because you want to touch the dog ears! We can't touch the dog ears because that would hurt the dog!" Gotta keep it short, I believe it was written in HTOTB, not a speech because of their attention span.

Good luck.

[maydaymommy]

Yes he intensely wanted to mess with the dog's ears. Yes he had a very big reaction to it. You did well by removing him from the situation but remember just doing that will not remove his feelings about it, nor should it. Even though he is preverbal it's never too early to begin to reflect feelings. It makes a child comfortable as they aquire words to tell you what's going on with them.

My suggestion? Go silly on him. He was angry because he wanted to mess with the dog but couldn't. I would stomp my feet and pound my fist and say, "oh no! G wants to pull on the dog's ears but he can't. He is SOO, SOOO angry! He must be angry enough to want to hit this pillow" then offer him a couch pillow or beanbag to go to town. Don't worry that he'll turn his hitting on the pillow to then hitting someone or something inappropriate. It will serve as an outlet. If he doesn't feel like silly that day and melts even further when you do the angry dance then just hug him (facing away from you if it's safer from the teeth then whisper in his ear, "I hear you're very frustrated. We don't hurt people or animals in this house. I will hold you while you take some deep breaths" then take some deep breaths yourself to give him a clue as to what to do. Mostly you're saving him from himself. His emotions will only intensify as he gets older and it's developmentally set even though it feels crazy.


I think that is very well put! Thanks for writing it out. I totally knew that, and did this ALL THE TIME as a teacher, but somehow, it has managed to slip away recently as a parent. Anyway, thank you for the reminder!

OP, I wanted to throw out one more thing. My bff has a very spirited ds who did a lot of what you described. He is almost 3 now, and it is finally clear to her that he is SENSORY SEEKING. May help to look at his actions through that lens.