Help! WWYD? Unwanted playdate request :(

[newmomto1]

DS is in kindergarten. He became friendly this year with a boy who is definitely a bad influence.
DS is very honest with us and tells us about the trouble this boy gets into (not listening, goofing off, pushing, shoving, etc). This boy often gets disciplined at school...even to the extent of the principal's office. Only once or twice has this affected DS (more at the beginning of the year). We have done a TON of work with with DS re: making good decisions about behavior at school, who he hangs out with, what to do if he is with someone who makes bad choices, etc. We have also been in close touch with hs teacher and she has assured us that DS is behaving and making good choices at school.
When there have been events at school involving parents, this boy's father has approached us telling us that he really wants to arrange a playdate for the boys. DH and I do NOT want this! We do not want to encourage the relationship at all. It's one thing if they are together at school...but beyond that..no way! I have always managed to "put it off" with a smile and some lame response.
On top of that, the boys father is a stay at home dad...which is fine, but something about him strikes me as a little strange. I can't put my finger on it.
So, yesterday I get an email from the mom asking DS to come over for a playdate next week. She explained that her DH would be there to watch the boys.
I don't know how to handle this.
I definitely do NOT want my son over there. I do not want to invite the other boy here. I do not want a playdate period with this child.
How in the world do I handle this with tact and without saying..."your kid is a bully and a trouble maker and I don't want my son hanging out with him".
HELP PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mommy111]

The old advice still holds true: Just say no.

[bubbaray]

I would just ignore the email and if they question you about it, look blank and say maybe it went into your spam folder.... Not much longer for school, I'd just avoid and hope for different friends in the summer.

I suppose if you want to take the high road, you could host the PD at your house. If you are getting bad vibes about the dad, follow those 100% and do NOT send your DS there.

[mom2binsd]

That's tricky and I bet that you're not the only one with concerns, and maybe that boy has a hard time finding playdates??? I'm guessing mom is trying to foster some positive friendships.

I totally understand you not wanting a playdate, could you suggest maybe that you meet at a park and the boys could play together there (ask that the mom or dad stay though, and set a time limit, like "on Sat it looks like the weather will be nice, maybe you and Y could meet us at the park for an hour so the boys could play for an hour?")

[wellyes]

I think the kindest thing to do would be to say "I'm afraid I don't think it will work out. My son's relationship with your son does not bring out the best in either child" or something along those lines.

I personally am too cowardly to be that honest, though, and I'd probably go with "It's really nice of you to offer, but unfortunately we'll have to decline. Best wishes, ______" with no additional explanation.

Do not say anything like 'the timing doesn't work for us' , or ' we have a no playdate policy' or anything untrue like that that will string along the parents and encourage them to try again.

[newmomto1]

That's tricky and I bet that you're not the only one with concerns, and maybe that boy has a hard time finding playdates??? I'm guessing mom is trying to foster some positive friendships.

I totally understand you not wanting a playdate, could you suggest maybe that you meet at a park and the boys could play together there (ask that the mom or dad stay though, and set a time limit, like "on Sat it looks like the weather will be nice, maybe you and Y could meet us at the park for an hour so the boys could play for an hour?")

I totally understand what you are saying...but I don't want to encourage any relationship. And although I know I sound like a b*tch.....I don't want to start up a relationship with the parents either. Also (again, you will think I am awful)....I think it's great that they want to encourage positive relationships for their son...but I have to look out for MY son. DH and I have seen how DS acts when he is around this boy (when we have been up at school)...and we DON'T like it. I just can't go there.......

[JBaxter]

I would do... Thanks for the offer we already have plans. Leave it at that.

[MamaMolly]

I don't think you are a bi*ch at all. I think you are protecting your son. Trust your instincts. If you don't want the boys to play together that is FINE. Honestly, I think that if you host or meet up at a neutral location you will be sending your son a clear message that you DO want him to befriend this boy. I wouldn't even go there.

I think wellyes offered several options that are good. Stand up for your kid!!!!

[newmomto1]

I think the kindest thing to do would be to say "I'm afraid I don't think it will work out. My son's relationship with your son does not bring out the best in either child" or something along those lines.

I personally am too cowardly to be that honest, though

This is ME!
Confrontation is not my thing :(
I think I may have to go the route of ignoring the email like Bubbaray suggested. I am just afraid that won't be the end of it....ugh :(

[mom2binsd]

I totally understand, there was a boy in DD's class last year, he had some significant behavior difficulties (even had a behav plan from what I gathere/observed and base on my experience in special ed). We always heard about his escapades but luckily the teacher did a great job and the boy showed great improvement by the end of the year (but we were glad when DD did not have him in her class this year).

Hopefully if you ignore the request they will get the idea.

[JustMe]

Yeah, unfortunately, I think you just have to keep coming up with an excuse of being busy/having something else to do or not answering e-mails. I really don't think I could say something direct in this case, although in general I am a direct person and believe its the best way to go....saying negative things about a relatively young child is something different for me.

The only other thing I can think of is to say something like "we are not doing any additional playdates for ds because we have things we are working on with him and find that its best that he not do more playdates right now. He is spending lots of time with us and he already has some friends he has playdates with and we just can't add anything more right now". It is stretching the truth on your own son, but in some ways it is true. You do have things you are working on with ds (although it sounds like he is doing great) and you do not want to have a playdate with their ds. I really think parenting is such a sensitive issue that I would not want to touch the fact that you don't want a playdate with their particular child.

[infomama]

BTDT. I just said we 'don't really do playdates' which isn't the whole truth but pretty close to it.

[ThreeofUs]

Trust your instincts, don't worry about keeping your son from this kid's influence. You're just being a good mom.

Just maintain that you're so sorry but you're busy. Through 2020. ;)

[LexyLou]

We have a situation like that I just totally keep it general...like, oh yes, we definitely need to get together. But then I never throw out dates. When they throw out a date, I say, ohhh, we can't do it then because of xyz...

but I'm passive aggressive like that. :)

[Melbel]

I think you have gotten some good advice re. avoiding the playdate. DS has a real problem child in his class this year. It turns out that he is going through a really rough time at home (divorce, etc.). I have historically guided DS to make "good choices", including good choices with friends. DS is extremely well behaved (even to the point that I have somewhat unrealistic expectations with DD1). Anyhow, I found myself feeling bad for the problem child. To reconcile my feelings, I have suggested for DS to try to set a good example for the problem child, and to encourage the problem child to make good choices at school. It seems to be working pretty well for DS and the problem child's behavior has improved overall (not trying to take credit here). I just hate to completely write off a problem child so early, and he would probably benefit from some positive influences. It sounds like the parents are at least trying. I also do not want to send a message to DS that he is "better" than other students. I am relieved that the problem child has not asked for a playdate! It is a tough issue IMO. This all being said, you need to be able to trust your instincts.

[squimp]

I would just reply that your son is not available and repeat until they stop asking. Much easier to do via email. Poor kid, but I agree, I wouldn't want to encourage any kind of relationship.

[pinkmomagain]

I think you have gotten some good advice re. avoiding the playdate. DS has a real problem child in his class this year. It turns out that he is going through a really rough time at home (divorce, etc.). I have historically guided DS to make "good choices", including good choices with friends. DS is extremely well behaved (even to the point that I have somewhat unrealistic expectations with DD1). Anyhow, I found myself feeling bad for the problem child. To reconcile my feelings, I have suggested for DS to try to set a good example for the problem child, and to encourage the problem child to make good choices at school. It seems to be working pretty well for DS and the problem child's behavior has improved overall (not trying to take credit here). I just hate to completely write off a problem child so early, and he would probably benefit from some positive influences. It sounds like the parents are at least trying. I also do not want to send a message to DS that he is "better" than other students. I am relieved that the problem child has not asked for a playdate! It is a tough issue IMO. This all being said, you need to be able to trust your instincts.

What a great and thoughtful approach!

[Laurel]

I just hate to completely write off a problem child so early, and he would probably benefit from some positive influences. It sounds like the parents are at least trying. I also do not want to send a message to DS that he is "better" than other students.

I think this bears repeating and was worded much better than I could have said it.

I in no way think you are at all obligated to have a playdate with a family you do not wish to socialize with. However, we are talking about a kindergartener exhibiting very typical 5 year-old boy "naughty" behavior from what you have described. If your son is behaving well at school and does not complain about this other child, I'd be careful about trying to keep them from being friends at all, and (ETA) be really careful about openly blaming any of your own child's bad behavior on this other kid...the last thing you'd want is for your son to think he isn't responsible for his own behavior choices. Ask me how I know.

Again, I agree that you should say no to the playdates if you don't want to do them.

[newmomto1]

I think this bears repeating and was worded much better than I could have said it.

I in no way think you are at all obligated to have a playdate with a family you do not wish to socialize with. However, we are talking about a kindergartener exhibiting very typical 5 year-old boy "naughty" behavior from what you have described. If your son is behaving well at school and does not complain about this other child, I'd be careful about trying to keep them from being friends at all, and (ETA) be really careful about openly blaming any of your own child's bad behavior on this other kid...the last thing you'd want is for your son to think he isn't responsible for his own behavior choices. Ask me how I know.

Again, I agree that you should say no to the playdates if you don't want to do them.

I 100% agree with you that my son is responsible for his own behavior. And, believe me..we have talked to him about this. It's such a tricky thing. Believe me...my son is no angel! There are other issues with this boy that I haven't even mentioned and don't really want to get into. I hope I am not coming across as being "better" than this other family...or that my son is "better" than this boy. That is so not me or my style. I also realize there will always be bad influences around whether it's this child or someone else.
I am just trying very hard to steer my son the right direction and hoping to help him make good choices early on...and to protect him from some of the mistakes I made when I was young!
Parentling sure is hard!

[Laurel]

I 100% agree with you that my son is responsible for his own behavior. And, believe me..we have talked to him about this. It's such a tricky thing. Believe me...my son is no angel! There are other issues with this boy that I haven't even mentioned and don't really want to get into. I hope I am not coming across as being "better" than this other family...or that my son is "better" than this boy. That is so not me or my style. I also realize there will always be bad influences around whether it's this child or someone else.
I am just trying very hard to steer my son the right direction and hoping to help him make good choices early on...and to protect him from some of the mistakes I made when I was young!
Parentling sure is hard!

Isn't it? I didn't get the "better" vibe from you at all- I think you are handling this situation well! Hope I didn't come off too harsh!

[newmomto1]

Isn't it? I didn't get the "better" vibe from you at all- I think you are handling this situation well! Hope I didn't come off too harsh!

Not harsh at all :)
I just wanted to make sure I wasn't coming across as a snob ;)
Totally snobless, but maybe over-protective parent...that's me in a nutshell :p

[s7714]

I wouldn't just ignore the email as that's rude IMO. However, I would also try a playdate on neutral ground--like meeting at a local park--just to see how the child behaves outside of the school environment. If, after that, I still felt the other child wasn't a good fit for my family, I would take care to avoid future playdates by saying we're busy.

If you really don't want to have anything to do with him, I'd just say "our schedule is really busy right now, but thanks for asking!" and leave it at that.

[gatorsmom]

I think this bears repeating and was worded much better than I could have said it.

I in no way think you are at all obligated to have a playdate with a family you do not wish to socialize with. However, we are talking about a kindergartener exhibiting very typical 5 year-old boy "naughty" behavior from what you have described. If your son is behaving well at school and does not complain about this other child, I'd be careful about trying to keep them from being friends at all, and (ETA) be really careful about openly blaming any of your own child's bad behavior on this other kid...the last thing you'd want is for your son to think he isn't responsible for his own behavior choices. Ask me how I know.

Again, I agree that you should say no to the playdates if you don't want to do them.

I agree with this. If it were me (and actually, I have tried this with the bully in Gator's class), I"d invite the child to YOUR house for a playdate. that way, you can monitor how the children play, steer their play and conversations if you dont' like how they are going, and help them find more productive ways to behave.

I would NOT.AT.ALL send my child to their house if you have the slightest twinge of unease about one of the parents. And I have absolutely no problem saying my child can't go to someone else's house for a playdate but their friends are always welcome here (and the parents are welcome to stay too). There is a friend of Gator's whose parents are allowing an adult friend to live in the basement of their house. I'm not comfortable with that situation at all (and have posted about it here) but we love the boy and his parents and have him over as often as we can. I have blamed it on me, saying that I'm ultra paranoid and a little strange and overprotective and just don't let Gator go to others' houses that much. Frankly, I am FINE with the other parents thinking I'm a paranoid freak. Whatever keeps Gator safe.

[kransden]

I would just reply that your son is not available and repeat until they stop asking. Much easier to do via email. Poor kid, but I agree, I wouldn't want to encourage any kind of relationship.

I am a "black helicopter" parent about most things. I am also not shy, and this is just what I do. Eventually, they'll get the hint. Also, you might suggest another choice for them to ask. Maybe "Billy" has a similar personality.

[Melbel]

I 100% agree with you that my son is responsible for his own behavior. And, believe me..we have talked to him about this. It's such a tricky thing. Believe me...my son is no angel! There are other issues with this boy that I haven't even mentioned and don't really want to get into. I hope I am not coming across as being "better" than this other family...or that my son is "better" than this boy. That is so not me or my style. I also realize there will always be bad influences around whether it's this child or someone else.
I am just trying very hard to steer my son the right direction and hoping to help him make good choices early on...and to protect him from some of the mistakes I made when I was young!
Parentling sure is hard!


FWIW, I did not read your post to suggest that you thought that you were better, just protective. My comment was only directed to my own analysis of a different situation. I have traditionally also been very protective of my DC, but I also felt bad for the child. It is a difficult balance. I was troubled when I heard the kids all talking about all the bad things problem child did. They seemed to revel in his failures. When I went to the school to discuss some bullying issues indirectly impacting DS (he was upset when the troubled child hurt his friend), I learned a little about his challenges (very generally due to privacy concerns). Coming from a divorced and dysfunctional family background, I guess I sympathised with the child a bit even though I was well behaved in school. Certainly by 4th grade, I feel more comfortable empowering DS take a proactive approach to encourage the child to make good choices, to be well behaved in class, to care about his school work, etc. Peers can be powerful influences. DS also likes being a "good influence". I told DS that by being kind and setting a good example, he may be able to change a child's entire future for the better. I also emphasized that we should route for the child to succeed, not fail. At the same time, we have discussed appropriate boundaries too, especially the bullying aspects.

In your case, at most, I would meet at a public park for an hour. If you don't want to though, I think that is fine. Rather than ignore an email, I would probably reply that you are unavailable.

[newmomto1]

FWIW, I did not read your post to suggest that you thought that you were better, just protective. My comment was only directed to my own analysis of a different situation.
Coming from a divorced and dysfunctional family background, I guess I sympathised with the child a bit even though I was well behaved in school.

Thanks for letting me know that. I would never want anyone to think I have that kind of attitude...I really don't.
I also come from a divorced and very dysfunctional family. And, it affected me. I ended up with the wrong crowd. I didn't make good choices and didn't apply myself in school. I got my act together later around age 18-19, went to nursing school and deliberately and completely changed my circle of friends and how lived my life. I think that is why I feel so strongly about this.
Again, I know there will always be bad influences around....I just want to do what I can to help him steer clear of them ;)
I really appreciate all of the advice here!
Thanks so much :)

[California]

Since this is your situation, and not mine, I can think logically about it :) (If you know what I mean. It's always easier to think of an answer when my own kid isn't involved!)

How about some variation of, "Thank you very much for the offer to have DS over. Unfortunately I'm going to have to say no. I know this might seem silly, but it wears me out when DS gets wound up playing with some of the boys in his class. He gets SO excited that his whole behavior changes. And then we have a tough time afterwards here at home. I know that he'd have a great time with your son... but I'd be paying for it for the rest of the day!!! Thank you for your offer. I'm hoping as the mom of a kindergartner you'll understand. At least they get to be in school together -- This has been a really fun year for my DS and he enjoys seeing all the kids in class."

If she pressed just keep repeating, "Thank you so much, but no, I don't think that'll work for us right now." If you own it all up as being about you, and use "I" statements, it's not insulting and it's not something she can really argue with.

[HannaAddict]

I would not write off a five or six year old and their parents based on limited observations and comments from my child. Children don't always give accurate descriptions and I am sure my own child does not behave the same way at school as he does at home. Much of the obnoxious behavior sounds pretty typical or at least on the bell curve for kindergarten boy behavior, of course, I don't know the private info you alluded too but didn't mention. But if the child isn't hurting kids or has some other major issue that could harm my child (like really major), I would protect my child but also feel compassion for the parents who are trying to help their child. My son's class has a couple of kids learning more appropriate social cues and though these kids are different and more obnoxious than mine, they are not unsafe and trying to find their way in the world socially. We had a child over for a play date last week and I cringed at his behavior, not unsafe, but just abrupt, loud, kind of generally more obnoxious than my kid, and I only hope my child doesn't act like that when he goes on play dates! But it wasn't so bad as to be a deal breaker, I was able to enforce my rules (eating snack at the table versus couch where he wanted to eat) and life goes on.

If you think you can handle one play date, I would suggest the park or your house (make up a reason why, your schedule, your child feels more comfortable hosting??). You will probably make that child's day and his parents too. Maybe they want to spend time with your child since you have a good kid and they think that is something they want to encourage and are trying to find friends for their child that are good eggs. Be flattered and I would try to not dismiss the child at this tender age. If you do need to say absolutely no, I would make up a white lie and be kind to the parents and the child. Plead scheduling conflicts, etc. but do NOT tell them you don't think their child is a good fit for your child. That seems pretty harsh and cruel at this juncture, the first year of "real school" and pretty judgmental sounding. Good luck and I hope it works out.

[Melanie]

Well, if you're open to it, you could suggest a park play date. Those tend to be shorter and a little less 'risky' than a home play date with a classmate that you have concerns about. It also gives you a chance to get to know the other parents a little better b/c there's not much else for you to do other than talk to them. I would set it up ahead of time with an end time due to (whatever you want).

[Melbel]

Thanks for letting me know that. I would never want anyone to think I have that kind of attitude...I really don't.
I also come from a divorced and very dysfunctional family. And, it affected me. I ended up with the wrong crowd. I didn't make good choices and didn't apply myself in school. I got my act together later around age 18-19, went to nursing school and deliberately and completely changed my circle of friends and how lived my life. I think that is why I feel so strongly about this.
Again, I know there will always be bad influences around....I just want to do what I can to help him steer clear of them ;)
I really appreciate all of the advice here!
Thanks so much :)

I totally get this considering my background. While I made some poor choices myself in high school, I was fortunate enough to keep good friends overall, do well academically and have the drive to put myself through college and law school. I think of the teachers and families who were kind enough to look out for me and steer me in the right direction along the way, even though my family life was a disaster. I am so thankful that they did not write me off. I am very mindful of peer influences, especially as the kids get older. This is why we live in a gated neighborhood, send the kids to private school, and carefully monitor friends, activities and playdates.

One other thought on your scenario - is it possible that the other child has any medical challenges (ADHD, sensory processing issues, etc.)? If this was the case, I personallly would also be more forgiving of the behavior.

You know your situation better than any of us, and will have to follow your heart and instincts to decide what is best for your DS. It is not easy. :grouphug:

[SnuggleBuggles]

I agree with this. If it were me (and actually, I have tried this with the bully in Gator's class), I"d invite the child to YOUR house for a playdate. that way, you can monitor how the children play, steer their play and conversations if you dont' like how they are going, and help them find more productive ways to behave.



That's what we did too and it was a very good idea for us. There wasn't necessarily bullying but the boys just weren't getting along. I thought that it would be helpful to see the interaction. I know you don't want to encourage the relationship but I think that a 1 time thing at this age really can be ok. I know your experience with falling in with the wrong crowd was bad for your life but keep in mind that you sound like a vigilant parent that won't let things persist and get out of hand long term and that it just might not happen at all to your ds.

Beth

[egoldber]

I thought that it would be helpful to see the interaction.

This is what I was thinking. Not knowing what the personal stuff is that you're alluding to, I would personally want to see the interaction for myself to see what is going on.

And I think it is totally OK to say something like "I would love to get the boys together, but I really prefer to host playdates at my house. If that works out for you great, if not, I understand and sorry we can't accommodate."


My son's class has a couple of kids learning more appropriate social cues and though these kids are different and more obnoxious than mine, they are not unsafe and trying to find their way in the world socially.

I didn't reply for awhile to this thread because I kept personalizing it, and that is not helpful to you. But this comment could very much describe my older DD. Her social skills/social cues reading is not that great. This does translate into behavior issues at school, she has little to no sense of personal space and often violates the space of other kids. She is a sweet child, with a loving heart and it pains me that so many people don't often get to see that side of her because they are put off by her social awkwardness. It is something we work on all.the.time and we are enrolling her in a social skills class in the fall, but in the meantime, she struggles despite us working on it.

Kids in K are very much still working on learning appropriate social behavior (which used to be the primary focus of K) and navigating the school environment.

[Leeannpk]

I would not write off a five or six year old and their parents based on limited observations and comments from my child. Children don't always give accurate descriptions and I am sure my own child does not behave the same way at school as he does at home. Much of the obnoxious behavior sounds pretty typical or at least on the bell curve for kindergarten boy behavior, of course, I don't know the private info you alluded too but didn't mention. But if the child isn't hurting kids or has some other major issue that could harm my child (like really major), I would protect my child but also feel compassion for the parents who are trying to help their child. My son's class has a couple of kids learning more appropriate social cues and though these kids are different and more obnoxious than mine, they are not unsafe and trying to find their way in the world socially. We had a child over for a play date last week and I cringed at his behavior, not unsafe, but just abrupt, loud, kind of generally more obnoxious than my kid, and I only hope my child doesn't act like that when he goes on play dates! But it wasn't so bad as to be a deal breaker, I was able to enforce my rules (eating snack at the table versus couch where he wanted to eat) and life goes on.

If you think you can handle one play date, I would suggest the park or your house (make up a reason why, your schedule, your child feels more comfortable hosting??). You will probably make that child's day and his parents too. Maybe they want to spend time with your child since you have a good kid and they think that is something they want to encourage and are trying to find friends for their child that are good eggs. Be flattered and I would try to not dismiss the child at this tender age. If you do need to say absolutely no, I would make up a white lie and be kind to the parents and the child. Plead scheduling conflicts, etc. but do NOT tell them you don't think their child is a good fit for your child. That seems pretty harsh and cruel at this juncture, the first year of "real school" and pretty judgmental sounding. Good luck and I hope it works out.

Yes to all this, especially the bolded parts. The boys are in kindergarten. I think 5 years old is a little early to decide that a kid is a bad seed - there could be any number of things going on, such as undiagnosed ADHD, Asperger's, sensory issues. Many kids - boys especially - have a lot of difficulty adjusting to the first year of real school. Do a playdate on your own turf or at a playground and then decide if this is a kid you really need to keep your child away from.

[JustMe]

I totally agree with not writing off a child. My daughter has some definite behavioral and social-emotional issues. In fact, I am sure there are some parents who would not want their child to be friends with her (although they'd have to be looking very closely because she can be very subtle in some of her behaviors). However, as a parent, I can also say that there are some kids I know are not a good combo with my daughter at this point; in our case, as much because of her as because of them. I do not mean any child who has some behavioral or social-emotional issues (I agree that at this age, they are all working on this anyway, and it usually shows up in one way or another), and I dont know if I could even put my finger on it (dd has lots of friends with diverse special needs, including some who really do "act out"), but I do feel confident in knowing that there are certain combos I would not encourage.

Also, just speaking for myself, we have limited time for playdates. I really would not feel obligated to have a playdate for dd with *any* child/family, if it was something she or I did not want. There are so many playdates she can have anyway! I don't know if I am phrasing this right, but for us, dd has a wide-range of friends with a wide-range of social skills and challenges. There are definitely some (again, hard to pin point, why/what exactly) friendships that I will not encourage/support. It is not a condemnation of the child, but rather a realistic (IMHO anyway) assessment of who my own daughter is and what she needs.

As I said in my previous post, I definitely agree with being kind and sensitive.

Dont know how much of this is relevant to the op, but this is how I feel about this issue!

[mommy111]

Whatever you do, please don't ignore the email. That would be incredibly rude and hurtful (read my BP if you want to know why I say that). While I agree with not writing this child off, if you feel at this moment that he is not a good companion for your DS, just send the parents an email saying you guys are busy and exhausted. I also think it would be incredibly hurtful to say anything about the kids not meshing well etc etc, so I would just say exhausted/overextended/hoping to spend some more time as family than we do at present and leave it at that. Or say something like, we are overextended right now, but when the schedule gets a little better, we will get back to you. That leaves the ball in your court and you are free not to contact them ever if you don't feel like it.

[Globetrotter]

Or say something like, we are overextended right now, but when the schedule gets a little better, we will get back to you. That leaves the ball in your court and you are free not to contact them ever if you don't feel like it.

:yeahthat: If you later decide you'd like to give it a shot, you can call them. If not, I think they will get the message. I agree not to say anything about the boy's behavior because that will just make them defensive and even upset, plus it's hard to say without seeing it for yourself.

[Indianamom2]

Yeah, unfortunately, I think you just have to keep coming up with an excuse of being busy/having something else to do or not answering e-mails. I really don't think I could say something direct in this case, although in general I am a direct person and believe its the best way to go....saying negative things about a relatively young child is something different for me.

The only other thing I can think of is to say something like "we are not doing any additional playdates for ds because we have things we are working on with him and find that its best that he not do more playdates right now. He is spending lots of time with us and he already has some friends he has playdates with and we just can't add anything more right now". It is stretching the truth on your own son, but in some ways it is true. You do have things you are working on with ds (although it sounds like he is doing great) and you do not want to have a playdate with their ds. I really think parenting is such a sensitive issue that I would not want to touch the fact that you don't want a playdate with their particular child.

:yeahthat:

[Indianamom2]

Since this is your situation, and not mine, I can think logically about it :) (If you know what I mean. It's always easier to think of an answer when my own kid isn't involved!)

How about some variation of, "Thank you very much for the offer to have DS over. Unfortunately I'm going to have to say no. I know this might seem silly, but it wears me out when DS gets wound up playing with some of the boys in his class. He gets SO excited that his whole behavior changes. And then we have a tough time afterwards here at home. I know that he'd have a great time with your son... but I'd be paying for it for the rest of the day!!! Thank you for your offer. I'm hoping as the mom of a kindergartner you'll understand. At least they get to be in school together -- This has been a really fun year for my DS and he enjoys seeing all the kids in class."

If she pressed just keep repeating, "Thank you so much, but no, I don't think that'll work for us right now." If you own it all up as being about you, and use "I" statements, it's not insulting and it's not something she can really argue with.

:yeahthat:

Oh, this is really good too. I've got nothing compared to that, but I think it's a very tactful way to say no thanks.

[C99]

I would not write off a five or six year old and their parents based on limited observations and comments from my child. Children don't always give accurate descriptions and I am sure my own child does not behave the same way at school as he does at home. Much of the obnoxious behavior sounds pretty typical or at least on the bell curve for kindergarten boy behavior, of course, I don't know the private info you alluded too but didn't mention. But if the child isn't hurting kids or has some other major issue that could harm my child (like really major), I would protect my child but also feel compassion for the parents who are trying to help their child. My son's class has a couple of kids learning more appropriate social cues and though these kids are different and more obnoxious than mine, they are not unsafe and trying to find their way in the world socially. We had a child over for a play date last week and I cringed at his behavior, not unsafe, but just abrupt, loud, kind of generally more obnoxious than my kid, and I only hope my child doesn't act like that when he goes on play dates! But it wasn't so bad as to be a deal breaker, I was able to enforce my rules (eating snack at the table versus couch where he wanted to eat) and life goes on.

If you think you can handle one play date, I would suggest the park or your house (make up a reason why, your schedule, your child feels more comfortable hosting??). You will probably make that child's day and his parents too. Maybe they want to spend time with your child since you have a good kid and they think that is something they want to encourage and are trying to find friends for their child that are good eggs. Be flattered and I would try to not dismiss the child at this tender age. If you do need to say absolutely no, I would make up a white lie and be kind to the parents and the child. Plead scheduling conflicts, etc. but do NOT tell them you don't think their child is a good fit for your child. That seems pretty harsh and cruel at this juncture, the first year of "real school" and pretty judgmental sounding. Good luck and I hope it works out.

ITA with Kimberley again here. DS1 has a few friends who are not the best influence on him and he can be crazy when he plays with them, but these boys are not, at heart, bad kids with bad parents. They just have a different style than I do and their idiosyncracies are not the ones I'm used to. I try to be as *inclusive* as possible in my relationships and model that for my children as well.

[dhano923]

My DS is in 1st grade, and is having a hard time at school socially. He does not know how to behave in a traditional school atmosphere (he went to montessori school for pre-K and K) and now he's having a hard time adjusting. He's still trying to act on the montessori level --no timed events, all the kids have to play together, etc. whereas in public school, everything is scheduled and the kids play with whoever they want. He's also the youngest one in the class too so that doesn't help either. His teacher and principal realize that he's not socially on the same level as the other kids and suggested trying to arrange playdates for him outside of school as he only exhibits this behavior at school, never at home, which is why we all thought playdates would help. He've done a couple playdates which went well but a couple other parents never responded. It's a shame because my DS has developed a reputation as a "problem child" when he's really not. Even his teacher says he's a good kid, and just having a hard time making friends because he tries too hard.

I'd give this other kid a chance -- sometimes kids act one way at school and another way outside of school. I'm sure his parents would appreciate the chance. If it doesn't work out, then you could always say no the next time, but as a parent of "the problem kid in the class", I'd ask you to reconsider at least trying a playdate instead of writing the kid off from the start.