What do you say to someone whose friend or family member passed away?

[mommysammi]

In the past two days, there's been two unexpected deaths. I don't know how to console the person whose friend or family member passed away. I start off with, "we're so sorry for your loss" and then silence. One of them just cried and cried and cried. I felt so bad because I didn't know what to say. Since it was over the phone, I couldn't reach out and hug them. What else can I say?

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

Let them know you are there to listen. Really that is what they need. My mom died when I was 5. All my life people have said "I'm so sorry". Nice sentiment, but really what else is there to say. They need to know you are there for them, for what ever THEY need. Everyone's needs are different when handling grief. Some people want to be left alone, some want to talk and have someone listen, but everyone feels better knowing there is someone there that cares for them. I am sure you feel helpless, but offering a shoulder/ear/kind word is the best thing you can do. Don't be afraid to ask them what they need. Having someone hear you cry, just being there, feels better than crying alone. Letting them know you are there, for whatever, helps more than you know.

:grouphug:It is very stressful not knowing what to do to help those you care about.

[boogiemomz]

Let them know you are there to listen. Really that is what they need. My mom died when I was 5. All my life people have said "I'm so sorry". Nice sentiment, but really what else is there to say. They need to know you are there for them, for what ever THEY need. Everyone's needs are different when handling grief. Some people want to be left alone, some want to talk and have someone listen, but everyone feels better knowing there is someone there that cares for them. I am sure you feel helpless, but offering a shoulder/ear/kind word is the best thing you can do. Don't be afraid to ask them what they need. Having someone hear you cry, just being there, feels better than crying alone. Letting them know you are there, for whatever, helps more than you know.

:grouphug:It is very stressful not knowing what to do to help those you care about.

absolutely. it should always been about THEM... because everyone is different, there is no predicting what would make them feel better or be meaningful to them. i would not say things to try to make them feel better about the situation, if that makes sense... things that might minimize the pain they're in right now. and i would also avoid "i know/understand how you feel," because you probably don't... grief is such a complicated thing, and again, so different for every person. just do the best you can to communicate that you are available to listen or to help whenever they need you. you might make offers of specific ways to help out, like bringing food or watching their kids (if applicable), etc.

so tough. so sorry your loved ones are suffering. they are fortunate to have such a loving, caring person in their lives. :hug:

[Twoboos]

Agreeing with being there, however vague that is, LOL!

You could also bring some type of food if the family is local. Many people do lunch/dinner things, so something different might be welcome, like muffins (bfast or anytime snack) or a fruit arrangement (Edible arrangements come to mind).

Also, if you have a story about a time you shared with the person, it might be nice to share. "I remember when your mom..." Or "Your daughter was always wonderful at..." these things meant a lot to me and I really felt the impact my parents had made in other people's lives.

GL, it's very difficult to know how to deal with!

[lalasmama]

As far as words, the most comforting to me was always "I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you, and I'm going to be calling for the next xyz days if that's okay with you." That way I knew they cared, and that they were there if I needed to talk, and that I wouldn't have to pick up the phone and dial.

The most thoughtful gift I got was a small linen-covered box, with 4 small picture holders on top. The shirt I wore to mom's funeral, mom's favorite shirt, the program-thingies from her funeral, some of the cards, the CD with the song she picked, and a few other things are in that box. Its a box small enough to be out in the open, discreet enought to have out without making people uncomfortable about what could be in the box, and accessable enough for me to go through whenver I need a moment to grieve.

[boogiemomz]

found this poem online, written by a grieving mother, it might help. warning: SAD!!

Please, don't ask me if I'm over it yet
I'll never get over it
Please, dont tell me he's in a better place
He's not here with me
Please, don't say at least he isn't suffering
I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all
Please, don't tell me you know how I feel
Unless you have lost a child
Please, don't ask me if I feel better
Bereavment isn't a condition that clears up
Please, don't tell me you had him for so many years
What year would you chose for your child to die?
Please, don't tell me God never gives more than we can bear
Please, just say you are sorry
Please, just say you remember my chld
Please, just let me talk about my child
Please mention my child's name
Please, just let me cry.

[nov04]

After my Dad died last year, the kindest thing ppl did for me was allow me to speak. I appreciated the initial condolences, but when someone just allowed me to have silence or decide how things were going to progress, it was so comforting.

I wasn't even crying once when relaying to a friend that my father had passed. I was just being very matter-of-fact. She told me we wouldn't be talking about him, she didn't want me upset. It was like a slap in the face. I knew *she* didn't want to be upset, it had nothing to do with being a friend to me. I let go of our friendship that day and have no regrets.

A friend's dad died late last year too. We'd speak on the phone and she'd just cry sometimes. It's a hard thing to do, but its sometimes all that's needed.

There's so much pressure these days to get on with one's life. Just being allowed a little time to grieve and allow the feelings to come to the surface is so important. Just allowing your friend to cry was probably one of the kindest things anyone did for her.

[StantonHyde]

I am sorry for your loss--no better words were ever spoken. I can't tell you how ticked I was to hear that my mom was in a better place, blah blah blah. The other awesome words I got were notes that my mom's colleagues collected at a conference where people wrote their memories of my mom. They are wonderful to have!! So write a note--even if you talk to the person every day. They will want to access it at will.

Keep calling. In about a month, it will hit really, really hard. Just be there!

[infomama]

Those who left the greatest impact in me after my dad passed were those who were there before, during and after his death. Just say you are sorry and then be there...for a long time, be there.

[MacMacMoo]

We recently had a loss in our family. Words didn't really provided much comfort. the best thing we got was people showing that they were there to support us. my SIL and her bible study group sent us gift cards to local resturants and grocery stores since they figured we wouldn't be up to doing to much cooking.

[newmomto1]

In the past two days, there's been two unexpected deaths. I don't know how to console the person whose friend or family member passed away. I start off with, "we're so sorry for your loss" and then silence. One of them just cried and cried and cried. I felt so bad because I didn't know what to say. Since it was over the phone, I couldn't reach out and hug them. What else can I say?


A friend of mine lost her father last year. At the time, we were friends mostly because our boys were friends...so it's not like we were super close.
When she lost her father I felt so awful for her. I always feel awkward in these situations...not knowing what to say, etc. I usually say "I'm sorry"...but then don't know what to say after that.
But, I was there for her. I called her often in the days and weeks following. I offered to take her kids. I just let her know that we (our family) was there for her.
Our families are really close now...
She later told me that throught the process of losing her father she found out who her real friends were. She has many times expressed such appreciation of the people who were just "there" for her.
So, I don't think it's so much what you need to "say"...I think it's just being sincere and "being there" that is important.
HTH

[Cam&Clay]

I lost my mother in November. What meant the most to me was when a person said SOMETHING. Anything. What I found baffling was the number of people at work who said nothing at all to me when I returned. But, thinking back to when I was in their shoes, there were many times that I said nothing to co-workers that I wasn't very close to. My fear was that I would upset him/her. I realize now that just saying, "How are you?" or "I'm really sorry." means the world to the grieving person.

I also appreciate those that didn't ask, they just did something. If they had asked, I would have probably said no.

My neighborhood got together after I returned home and coordinated meals for me for a few weeks. Since DH isn't here during the week, they knew that just getting to work and taking care of the boys was enough for me to handle. At first I thought the meals were unnecessary, but I was so grateful for them in the end. They allowed me to just concentrate on the basics.

[wellyes]

When my FIL died last year, somewhat unexpectedly, the next 2 days were spent answering the phone. DH & his brother always answered. The callers all said the same things.


I heard about your dad.
I'm so sorry.
This is such a shock.
He was so full of life last time I saw him.
And if it's a friend, "what happened"?
Let me know if I can do anything.


Whoever answered the phone would give the story of that day in the hospital, basically to say it was quick and there was no suffering. I initially didn't get the benefit of having to tell that story over and over and over and over but in the end I think it was very cathartic for them. Made it real.

Every phone call was appreciated, you don't have to say much of anything.

[gatorsmom]

After you say how sorry you are, you could tell the grieving person what a difference that person made in someone else's life or a special memory about that person. Or maybe even a funny quirk you know about them. At least I've found this to be comforting when my mom died 5 years ago. Friends of mine have said that the stories they heard about their loved one at their wake were uplifting. I loved hearing nice stories about how my mom helped people, or even laughing when others about some of the funny things she used to do.

[inmypjs]

I lost my mother in November. What meant the most to me was when a person said SOMETHING. Anything. What I found baffling was the number of people at work who said nothing at all to me when I returned. But, thinking back to when I was in their shoes, there were many times that I said nothing to co-workers that I wasn't very close to. My fear was that I would upset him/her. I realize now that just saying, "How are you?" or "I'm really sorry." means the world to the grieving person.

I also appreciate those that didn't ask, they just did something. If they had asked, I would have probably said no. .

I really agree with this! I lost my mom suddenly in December. I have been very hurt by people who I thought I was close to that honestly said and did nothing. It makes me feel invisible. I have tried not to take it personally and to tell myself that they just don't know what to say/do. For me, I would really like to talk about my mom more, but hardly anyone asks. On the occasions where people have asked, if I've gotten teary, they've changed the subject quickly and not given me the chance to say anything. I think grief makes a lot of people very uncomfortable. It's really hard.

So really, I think anything you say or do is better than nothing. If you do ask questions, try to really listen to the answers. Realize that if the person gets emotional, it may or may not mean that they don't want to talk about it. Ask them if they'd like to go to a comfortable place and talk more, or if they don't want to talk about it. Try to let them lead instead of reacting based on your own comfort level.

Cards meant a lot to me too. They are small gestures - but just knowing that people were thinking of me helped. Again, it was weird that I got cards from my chiropractor and hair dressor, but not from some of my closest friends.

Also, I am not sure of the relationships involved in the losses you are referring to, but another thing that is hard for me is when people come up to me and say, "How is your Dad doing? I'm sure it's so hard for him" - but they don't ask or say anything about me. My Dad lives in another town, and most of the people asking don't know him. Again it makes me feel invisible. So I would suggest that if you are talking to someone who has lost someone, and you ask about other impacted family members, please ask about them too.

I also want to say that I think it's very nice you are thinking about the best ways to be helpful.