Debating Becoming a SAHM - Looking for Opinions!

[Injustspring]

Hello - I am brand new to this site....stumbled across it when I was searching for info. on "feeling overwhelmed...toddler and new born...."

I have two beautiful sons - one will turn three in one week and the other is 10 weeks old. I am supposed to return to work in two weeks, but have seriously been debating becoming a SAHM. I go back and forth between staying at home and not because I worry about living without my paycheck (I think we could survive on my husband's, but am worried about being able to cutback as much as we would need to), and I wonder if I could be a good SAHM - these past several weeks at home with my newborn have been wonderful, but there are times when I have felt so overwhelmed and like I can't get it together - this is even with my oldest in daycare part time! It seems I can get nothing done around the house, there is no schedule at all and I am lucky if I get one errand in a day.

Have any of you gone through similar situations? I'm looking for some good advice. Also, to those of you current SAHMs, how do you make it work? How do you get anything done? When do you take a shower? What does your daily schedule look like and how do you keep it?

Thanks!

[JBaxter]

I have been a sahm for 6 1/2 yrs. I was a WOHM before with my older 2. NOTHING compares to getting to be at home and raise your kids. I regret nothing.
My day 7am I getup and get Nathan and Connor moving. Make coffee pack a lunch ( unless Jack has had me up then Dave will let me sleep and take over morning duties)
Feed the little ones ( my older 2 are teens)
Do a few things around the house. Depending on the day we either go to the store, play group, meet friends for coffee or lunch, play or park
Im usually home by lunch and do house hold things during nap time.
Nathan gets off the bus by 315
do homework
go to a sporting event if one is scheduled
make dinner
tuesdays is soccer practice

rinse and repeat week to week

[Indianamom2]

First, welcome!

Second, I have always been a SAHM. In fact, before I was a mom, I was a SAH wife. For us, the finances didn't really come into play, so I can't speak to that, but I do understand the two kids and trying to get anything done.

It will get easier. I have a 5.5 year old and an almost 9 month old. The first few months were quite rough with two. It's so hard when babies are little with no schedule. Those months, even as a SAHM, are strictly about survival. As long as you are all fed, clean and dressed...the day was a success!

Once your youngest one falls into a schedule, which should be in the next month or so, you will be able to fit errands in a little easier. You'll figure out a way to balance life. Right now, you're just figuring out what life is like with two. It's an adjustment period.

As for a daily schedule, at this point we are pretty scheduled only because my oldest is in pre-K 4 days a week. Next year will be even more scheduled. I'm not one of those moms who has everything down to a certain time. I tend to just observe how my kids are acting and go with the flow. It works for us, but you may prefer a more rigid schedule.

Whatever you decide, remember that it takes time to adjust to anything. It will be strange at first, but you'll figure things out a little at a time.

[wellyes]

Do you have your husband's/partner's support? It's not just about being able to afford it, it will be a change in your partnership. I ask because I think it would be very hard to SAHM with a husband who resents your free time / lack of income, so it's obviously something to consider.

I've thought about SAHM after #2 comes. I almost did with DD, but I went to the office and talked to my boss and she came back with an offer for me to work part time (3 days/week) *and* my MIL became available to watch the baby in our home those 3 days. It's like the stars aligned, I could still keep my professional connections -- and "sanity time" LOL -- while my new baby was still in the care of someone who loves her. It has been wonderful.

I like my job so that helped. A lot depends on whether you get satisfaction from yours or just a paycheck.

If your only concern is whether you'll be a good SAHM, don't let that hold you back! I'm sure you'll be just fine. Of course it's a little chaotic right now, you have a 10 week old! One errand a day is pretty impressive, really. But it won't be long til your LO is eating/sleeping regularly. The freedom to spend all your time with your kids and to plan your own days is a glorious thing.

[hillview]

I went through this when I was supposed to go back to work after my second son. I went and talked to a therapist (who knows me well). She suggested that I go back for 3 months and if I still wanted to be a SAHM I could do it then. I did and stayed at work. Of course this isn't the right answer it is just my experience.

WELCOME!
/hillary

[maestramommy]

I've been a SAHM since my oldest was born, so almost 5 years (yikes!). The first couple of months with ONE were hard because I was still trying to figure the whole mothering thing. The first few months with TWO were hard because the oldest was on a schedule and the baby wasn't. I think it was about 5-6 months when the baby was on the same routine/schedule as my toddler, and things started to feel sane.

This time, things were hard all around 6 months and beyond. I was getting really overwhelmed because my third baby was/is very fussy, and for the first several months a terrible napper. At some point I just couldn't take it anymore. First I hired a housecleaner, and almost 2 months ago I hired an afternoon sitter who comes twice a week for 3 hours. The sitter allows me to either get a whole bunch of stuff done at once, or just get out of the house by myself for a breather, or both:p

I think trying to run an errand in the beginning is really hard, because your baby eats so often and its not yet on any kind of schedule. It does get better.

I do not regret becoming a SAHM at all, but I am very fortunate to be able to make the choice. We live very easily on my Dh's income, he is totally on board with me staying at home, although he would be very supportive if I really wanted to WOHM. And although I am a SAHM he is very hands on from the minute he gets home from work, and on weekends. And still there are days when it is just really hard to be the primary caretaker of 3 small children, and run the household.

I was talking with a WOHM once, and she experienced the same feelings as you when her maternity leave was getting to the end. Her Dh said, "why don't you just try going back to work for a while, and if it really sucks, you can quit." She did, and actually ended up staying a WOHM. She just really loved working. Now I'm not saying the same is true for you, but since you have the option of returning to work, you can consider doing what she did.

ETA: I used to shower before going to bed, until I got a short haircut that requires styling. So now I shower first thing in the morning, before Dh leaves for work. I do my hair (in 5 minutes) sometime in the morning. Either when the kids are eating breakfast or right after I clean up breakfast. The older kids are usually watching a video and Laurel is crawling around in front of me.

[KrisM]

I went through this when I was supposed to go back to work after my second son. I went and talked to a therapist (who knows me well). She suggested that I go back for 3 months and if I still wanted to be a SAHM I could do it then. I did and stayed at work. Of course this isn't the right answer it is just my experience.

WELCOME!
/hillary

If you do something like this, you could save 100% of your check, minus daycare costs, and see if you can live on one paycheck or not. Plus, you'll have bonus savings at the end :).

I've been a SAHM for 6 years this month and mostly love it. There are days that I just wish I could commute in a car for 20 minutes with no people :).

As for showers and a schedule, I shower before DH leaves for work. Schedules are mostly around the school bus and preschool right now. I use Motiveated Moms to help with cleaning and chores. My older 2 help a lot with the cleaning these days too.

[doberbrat]

first off, check your employment policies. where I work, we have to return for 30d or we must repay what we were paid on leave + ins etc.

I'm sort of on the other side. I was desperate to stay home w/both kids but we need my income to survive. on my first day back from leave, I was told my job is probably going to be eliminated. at first I freaked a bit but I've decided that I'm not looking for a new job just yet and I'm going to ride it out and look at it as an extended maternity leave.

personally, I dont want to work for 3m and see if I want to stay home - I want to be home when dd2 is a baby - by the time she's a toddler, I'll be ok going back to work.

I also found the first 12w were really hard. I ended up taking an extra 4w of leave due to dd2's being sick and I 've found that I've really gotten it together more since week 12. so cut yourself some slack

[maylips]

Welcome!

I quit my job back at the end of November, after going back for a little while after my second child (a boy) was born in August.

Here's what I've learned: all of those things I *thought* I would get done, I don't. Like I thought our house would be cleaner because I was home all day to keep up with the housework. Well, since we're home all day, the house is actually dirtier because we're not out of the house for 8 hours. I try to get as much done as possible so our weekends aren't tied up doing chores, which always drove me crazy when I worked, but it still doesn't always happen.

There is definitely a shift in the dynamic of my marriage. Not in a bad way, but because I'm home, the partnership in chipping in with chores has (pretty much) ended - now I'm in charge of it all.

You'll be overwhelmed for a while, I think - at least I was! It just happens with two children, regardless if you're home or not. Do check your employee policy - I didn't have to go back, but I did take some advice here to try it out for a little while before I decided to stay home. When I went back, though, my heart just wasn't in it. I felt like I wasn't giving my employer 100% at all - I just wanted to be with my kids.

I think you have to go into it without the expectation that you will be Martha Stewart. Dinnertime will still be a cluster, the house won't be spotless, you'll still be exhausted and will, at times, want to go back, but if your gut is telling you to stay home, I would do what I can to do it. I'm SO glad I did.

[sewarsh]

I haven't read anyone else's responses, but i have 3.5 YO & 1.5 YO. I have been debating about quitting job since 1st child was born. I hung in there part-time (10-hour days, 3 days a week) and am so excited to say that i finally gave notice about 4 weeks ago and my last day is april 22nd. you will find massive amount of support on this site for SAHM.

I had a hard time giving up the paycheck. my $ is play money. the money we use to buy a deck, go on vacation, go out to dinner & get sitter. i do not work for personal satisfaction. i do it for $. when it came down to it, we can live off of DH salary as well. won't save much, but wont go into debt either. someone said to me, "you will never have enough money" and finally, i realized that was right. and also one day, for me, it just hit me like a ton of bricks (i was at my DD preschool open house in sep. and they starting talking about enrollment for next year and i realized that i would be sending DS at that time). All of a sudden, i realized that i may look back on life adn regret not staying home with my kids, but i will never look back on life regret not spending more time at X company.

at the end of day i think, Yes, my kids will drive me crazy. Yes, I need to pass on those awesome boots, but No, i will not regret staying home with my kids in the long run.

there are such emotions as a women to quit...i don't want to be labeled, i don't want to rely on my DH for everything. but i've been told that you have to give yourself a value for staying home... that's where i am. as for you...your kids are younger but don't worry, it gets EASIER!! Life will be easy for you again....maybe 8 more months, but it will get easier. life for us has been easy for about 6 months and now we're about to complicate it with a 3rd...we're thinking end of summer we'll start trying. it will work itself out.

good luck to you. and welcome :)

[niccig]

I SAHM for 5 years. I'm doing a part-time work from home project for a previous employer, and I am looking for part-time work once that has finished. I always said I would return to work, and with DS in school 5 days a week, I do feel ready. BUT, I want to be around for him, so I'm downsizing my career options. And I'm OK with that. Anything I earn is bonus as we're used to one income now, and we'll save what I make. It will be good to save more. I do think you can have different roles over your lifetime. For us, it made most sense for me to be home with DS, now I want some work, and when he's older or off at college, I'll be able to work more.

SAHM was wonderful at times and difficult at times. I ended up swapping babysitting for a friend and doing one night class through the local college extension program - it was enough to give me something for me. I also volunteered when DS got to preschool age. So, don't feel guilty if you need something outside the house/kids for you.

I'm taking it one year at a time. If things change dramatically eg. DH gets laid off, then I'll have to change as well and work full-time sooner than we might like.

I like a PPers idea to work for a few months, but save you paycheck to see if you can do it, and to get a savings buffer. You do need to look at it from a numbers perspective, CAN you meet all current obligations, what would you downsize etc. Financial stress will make life harder, so maybe you do need some time to prepare and set your family up for the change. I also agree with your spouse being on the same page, it helps tremendously that they value all that you do.

[Injustspring]

Wow! Thank you for all of the "welcomes" and great advice! It really helps just knowing that I'm not alone and there are others going through similar things out there.

I still have some thinking to do...I think I will try going back for a while and see how it works out and if we really can live on one paycheck (I'll just save mine, great advice!)

Hope to talk more soon!

[JoyNChrist]

I didn't get a chance to read all the other responses, so I apologize if I repeat something.

I've been a SAHM off and on since DS was born. My degree is in Spanish Education, but when DS was about a year old I got an offer from a company I'd done some translation for before for a full-time HR position translating with their offices in Mexico City. I took the job and in many ways it was great (excellent pay - especially compared to a teacher's salary, lots of adult interaction, and trips out of the country a couple times a month). But the schedule got to be brutal - I had an hour drive every morning, I felt like I never saw my son, and my husband's job isn't really conducive to childcare so I had to find alternate arrangements for DS when I would travel. I lasted about 8 months before I decided I couldn't do it anymore.

To be honest, I don't think I'm a great SAHM. I love being with my kid, and I like that I'm the one who is there for all of his little moments and milestones, but I do miss the adult interaction that comes with working and the mental stimulation. I don't think it's something everyone is cut out for.

But with two more kids on the way, I'd basically be working to pay for daycare if I went back to teaching. So for now, I do a few side jobs (tutoring, translating, photography) when I'm able, and I find that those keep me "sane" enough to keep up the SAHM thing for now. But I'm not sure that, in a perfect world, being a SAHM would be my first choice.

ETA - I forgot to mention that I'm very, VERY grateful that I have the choice to work or not. I don't think I stressed what I blessing that is in my original reply. ;)

[pinkmomagain]

I became a SAHM mom almost 11 years ago when my 2nd was born. Personally, I enjoy being a SAHM and have no desire whatsover to return to the work world...even with my 3rd entering kindergarten in the fall. It is definitely harder when the children are younger and gets easier as they get older. Right now, you probably need to establish some kind of routine for yourself (sometimes that involves showers at odd times, and not all the housework getting done as often as you'd like or when you'd like)....maybe some SAHMs with little ones will chime in with some ideas. Those days are distant memories for me. I personally find it very rewarding to be a SAH presence for my family and I know they get alot from it and appreciate it.

Ultimately, you need to figure out what is right for you and your own family. Good luck!

[Elilly]

I worked PT since DD was born. Then, this last Jan, I became a SAHM. I am returning to a new FT job in May. I liked being a SAHM but found that my hobbies included redecorating the house and other home improvement projects. My new job allows be to get off of work by 4 PM, so on school days, I am not missing that much of their day. For us, not having to worry about finances, and missing a minimal part of their day was HUGE in our decision making process. Additionally, I get an hour for lunch and work 10 minutes away from our home and their school so I am still able to volunteer in the classroom. I guess the key to me, is finding a job that allows enough flexibility so that I don't feel guilty for missing out on their lives.

[katydid1971]

There has been some very good advice on this thread (that's why you'll love thiese boards BTW;)) My 2 cents is on the money stuff. You can make it if you reconsider what is most important to you. You will find lots of ways to save money plus you will find you really don't need things that seemed so important to you before. But as others have said working is more than just a paycheck for many. Whatever you decide I hope it works for you. Welcome to the board and remember life does get easier as your little one gets older ;)

[C99]

I was a SAHM when my babies were babies. They are now 7, almost 5 and almost 3 and I went back to work in the fall. It was difficult financially for me to stay home (we could have made it work, but I was not as disciplined as I needed to be), but like Jeana, I do not regret it for a second. I was never a "together" mom -- my house was a mess, we ate mac & cheese and hot dogs one night/week for dinner because I didn't feel like cooking, we never went on vacations, and I was not always a calm, even-keeled, patient teacher of children. But I was a good caregiver, an enthusiastic outing-taker, and I am my children's mother, so it worked. When I was home, there were lots of things that I missed about working. Now that I am back at work, there are some things I miss about being at home, but they are not really the things that make it worth it to stay at home. Like many women, I think an ideal balance would be a 30-hour or flexible workweek, but if you'll search this board, you'll see a ton of posts talking about how it's very difficult to find a position like this that also pays enough to make it financially advantageous to do so.