Stop PMSing, DH!

[boltfam]

DH is getting ready to take a big exam for his professional engineering license and has been a complete jerk. He's been studying for this exam for about 5 months now, and it's getting down to the wire...he takes it Fri. I have NEVER been ready for some thing to be over so much in my life!

Everything revolves around him and studying for his exam. I have tried to be the supportive wife, but I'm due with DC 2 in 4 weeks, and I am SICK of him being a bloodsucker when I have needs, too! Every Sat. for the last several months has been spent with me taking care of DS and him studying. I realize studying isn't fun, but hello....I have stuff that I would *like* to do on Saturdays, too, like go to the grocery store with no kid.

Ok...I could handle it if he was at least grateful for the sacrifices I have made. Rather than show some gratitude, he flips out when I ask him clean up his own dirty dishes. "I have to study..." So you can't put your own dishes in the dishwasher?
Then, tonight, he tells DS that mommy will put him to bed. Sure, I'll put DS to bed, but I am hungry and would like to eat a quick snack. So, DH goes upstairs and starts telling DS that he's sorry mommy is too selfish to put him to bed...mommy thinks she's more important than the rest of the family. So, I go up to DS's bedroom and then DH tells me that from now on, I need to get DS to bed sooner.

I have an idea...how about you pitch in or shut your mouth?! If you want me to put DS to bed, I'll do it on my own time. I don't think the 2 min. it took for me to grab a quick snack deprived DS of too much sleep. Take your Midol and go to bed, you cranky a$$.

[boogiemomz]

oh no. i was all ready to chime in and commiserate, my DH is in medicine and has had MANY a board exam that have required months of preparation and it TOTALLY STINKS living with them when they're like this... the world definitely revolves around them and the test. but when i got to the part about him talking to DS about you being selfish... smoke started coming out my ears. that is SO NOT OKAY. i can't believe he would try to turn your own child on you out of his own selfish pouting!! God forbid he recognize that you are putting yourself and your own needs aside EVERY DAY (especially in your late pregnancy!!! he should be rubbing your feet every night and making your breakfast every morning!!) so your family can be taken care of and he can do exactly what he needs to do, he should definitely tell your child that YOU'RE selfish. at the very least, he should be BEGGING your forgiveness for not being more available to you right now. unbelievable. i am SO steamed for you right now. :angry-smiley-005: so sorry.

[snowbunnies300]

Wow! I would have exploded if my DH had done what yours did to you and your son. It sounds like you did not address this with your DH. This took superhuman powers to keep quite.

I would suggest writing a letter to him about this matter that he can read after his exam. I do not believe that he should place your son in the position that he did just because he was stressed. You heard this exchange. I wonder how many other exchanges you have not heard over the years. If he feels he can talk badly about you to your child/children how will they treat you in the years to come? How will they treat their spouce/children?

[boltfam]

Thank you for commiserating with me. Yeah, I have heard DH "talk to me" through our son (who is 2 1/2!) before. Thankfully, he's not old enough to understand what DH is saying yet, but we have talked about this issue many a time and he knows he should NOT talk that way. I'll have to address it again...good suggestion to write a letter to DH for him to read after his exam when he's a little more emotionally stable.

It really pi$$es me off when he puts DS in that position. DH is going to counseling for his quick and often inappropriate tongue, so that gives me hope, but it doesn't stop me from getting steamed when he does that.

I told DH if he doesn't fix his attitude, I'm going to have my mom drive me to the hospital and be my labor coach. I need positive vibes around me, and he's just not delivering. He better hope I don't go into labor until after his exam.

Boogiemomz, how do you do it when your DH is studying for his exams? separate houses?

[sariana]

I agree with boogiemomz. My DH has been through some tough exams and such (including engineering, though not the PE exam), too, but your DH's talking to your son that way is totally unacceptable.

My DD is 26 months old, and she certainly WOULD understand if Daddy (or Mommy) were talking to her that way. Your son is old enough to understand at 2 1/2, even if he can't express that understanding yet.

At least the end is in sight.

Engineers are a breed of their own, aren't they?

[klwa]

*hugs* I've been through that, only without the little ones in tow. When DH took the PE exam, the world was ending if the apartment wasn't completely silent all day, all weekend. I had to leave & go for long walks because having a TV on in the bedroom (because he HAD to be in the living room) was too much of a distraction for him, even with the door shut. However, when I took the same exam 18 months later, I was expected to go out & help him run fencing at our house because it HAD to be done during the 2 hours on Saturday that I had set aside for studying.

And I agree with the other posters, he REALLY crossed the line with what he said to DS.

(Oh, and the best advice I can give him, from someone who passed the exam in 2003, is, just make sure you have everything in order so you can find it. The exam now is less about what you know & more about how quickly you can find the information. If that makes any sense.)

[boogiemomz]

Boogiemomz, how do you do it when your DH is studying for his exams? separate houses?

:rotflmao: that might not be a bad idea...

i just have to lower my expectations. while we've definitely had our, um, discussions about me expecting too much out of him while he needs to be studying, for the most part i've learned that i just need to stay out of his way and try to be supportive. when i do that, he's remarkably gracious and kind to me. honestly, it's when the exam is over that we have a problem. a few years ago he had the huge board exam that medical school curricula actually give students 4-6 weeks completely off, no classes or anything, to study for. he was studying EVERY DAY from morning until midnight for about 2+ months (i think we maybe watched a movie one time between christmas and mid-february). i worked really hard to have ZERO expectations of him (though, we were childless at that point, so i imagine it would have been a totally different story with a kid). at one point i told him i wanted something i could look forward to when the exam was over, some kind of nice thing he could do for me, i even offered to give him ideas if he wanted them, but he declined and said he would come up with something to surprise me. i just needed that eager anticipation of good things to get me through the time. i suspected he was not thinking about it at all, so i mentioned it several times. did my reward ever come? NOPE. 2.5 years later, i'm still waiting. he acknowledges that he never did anything, we've talked about it in therapy. to this day, he still sometimes refers to the time when he was studying for that exam as one of the better times we've had in our marriage, because i "gave him his space." now that i actually have *gasp* expectations of him as my husband (like, that he would occasionally want to spend time with me--a lot to ask, i know), he gets very cranky. we have spent lots of time in therapy and things, while up and down, have trended in the up direction, but we have a long way to go. we're in kind of a low spot now, hence the whining and moaning and groaning.

i just get so irritated that so many husbands just don't think anything should be required of them in a marriage. if they do anything (even things that should absolute bread and butter in a relationship), they want a gold medal. if you DON'T do something or fail to meet their every little need, they are livid. i feel like thread after thread is really just a different version of the same story. so frustrating.

OP, pitting a child against his mother is one of the greatest disservices a father can do to his child (same goes for a mother pitting a child against his father). it is absolutely wrong to put a child in the middle of an argument like this, and will cause long-lasting harm. DD is only 5 months old, but DH and i talk about this very thing--we have a lot of resentment toward each other but we are already talking about trying to ALWAYS avoid involving her in our conflicts. i hope that your DH will come to understand that this behavior is destructive to your family. hopefully he will understand that the primary relationship that will be harmed (in addition to his marriage) is his own relationship with DS.

really, really, so sorry you are going through this. a mean, selfish DH is so upsetting. i wouldn't blame you a bit if you decided to have your mom come and help you through labor. you need positive energy and support, and someone who will allow it to be about YOU!! (duh!) have you talked to DH about possibly doing that? how does he respond?

more ((((hugs)))). :hug:

[boltfam]

I.

Engineers are a breed of their own, aren't they?

They sure are! :rotflmao:

Thanks to boogiemomz and klwa from people who have btdt. Boogiemomz, I would be livid if my dh said he would do something special for me and never did after all you have supported him through (((hugs))).

You're right....I think they're all the same. Hopefully, when this exam is over, he can take the time to focus on me a little.

Gotta go get ds. Apparently, he's NOT going to take a nap today. :banghead:

[boogiemomz]

Gotta go get ds. Apparently, he's NOT going to take a nap today. :banghead:

ugh. FWIW, right there with you on that one too... :irked: