How concerned should I be for my friend?

[Happy 2B mommy]

My childhood friend is married with 2 little ones, aged 5 and 3. Since they've become parents I've started to dislike her DH. He has always needed to have things "just so" and definitely seemed to have the final say on nearly all big decisions. For the last 3 years I have listened to her tell me that he finds fault with the way she parents, cleans the house, and her struggle to lose weight. They recently purchased a 2nd big-screen tv - although my friend has been having huge issues with her hip and unable to sleep and wanted to replace their 17 year old, cheap mattress. Her DH said that she couldn't "prove" the mattress was the cause of her hip and sleep issues, so the tv was purchased instead.

This weekend at a get-together some of us were talking about food. My friend commented that a few weeks ago she had tried some of the Laughing Cow cheese and really liked it. And then she said "Now I just have to see if I can convince DH to let me buy some." I said "It's cheese! I really don't think you need his permission." I was sort of joking, but I've noticed that more and more she comments on what her DH "lets" her do. She then goes on to explain why her husband "wouldn't like her buying it". Ummmm...?

I'm not sure what to make of this. I've always thought he's quirky and selfish, but this just seems controlling to me. Am I over-reacting?

[elektra]

Sleeping with the Enemy comes to mind!
I would maybe just tell her that you have noticed these things and that you care for her, respect her, and that she does not deserve to be treated that way. Offer to be available if she ever needs to talk to you about him or anything. And then drop it.
Regardless of how she reacts/responds (she may get defensive) it will be nice for her to know that if she ever needs to talk to you about things she can come to you.

[MMMommy]

I hear you. It's heartbreaking and worrisome when you feel that a friend is being completely taken over by their significant other. To the point where you think that they have lost their identity and are suffering emotional abuse. I had a friend who absolutely worshiped her boyfriend and every decision was made by him. He would put ketchup on her pancakes so that she wouldn't eat the pancakes and gain weight. Nuts, right? Thankfully, she didn't end up with him (not by her choice, but she is obviously better off without him).

This is a hard one. Especially since it is her husband. Bringing up your concerns may make her defensive and lash out at you. She may even tell her husband, and you may end up with one less friend. Are you willing to risk that? No matter how gently you broach the subject, she may end up very hurt and angry with you. I don't have any good advice for this, but I understand where you are coming from.

[infomama]

She is in an abusive relationship. At this point all you know of is the emotional abuse but there could be more. Have you asked her to confide in you and tell you if she is honestly safe at home? I can not imagine being in a relationship like that and I think it's truly tragic that so many women are. I would reach out to her but be very careful as her husband sounds like he could be dangerous.
Here are two links
www.stanford.edu/group/svab/relationships.shtml (http://www.stanford.edu/group/svab/relationships.shtml)
www.stoprelationshipabuse.org/helpfriend.html

[sariana]

I think she's sending out little cries for help. She can't or won't come right out and say anything specific, so she drops little hints, hoping someone will put the pieces together.

Do you know if they attend any kind of house of worship? This is the kind of issue a pastor, priest, or rabbi might be able to handle more effectively than a friend, if only because a clergyperson can seem more neutral. I believe they also have training in how to deal with such issues.

You mention that she is a childhood friend. Do you know her parents? Are you able to enlist their help in any way?

Perhaps you could simply let her know that you always will be there for her, if she ever needs anything (assuming you can and will). That way she knows your door is open (figuratively) if she ever does need to take action of some sort.

I'm sorry that you're having to watch your friend go through this.

[mommy111]

Is she happy in this relationship? That is, is she mentioning these things because she is complaining about things or because she just doesn't see that they are issues? How would she describe her relationship with her DH, would she say things are 'great'? I'm asking because she may well hate the situation and these mentions may be a way of looking to communicate her woes with someone. In which case a gentle mention of how you love her and know her DH may be a good person but you don't like the way he treats her sometime may be a relief to her because it will give her an opening to communicate with you.

[MontrealMum]

I am saying this gently here, but I think that this perspective ought to be mentioned as well.

I have a friend that was/is in a similar situation though they are not formally married. Granted, her DP is a complete and utter p$*%& - my assessment in my dealings with him, as well as DH's, and all of our mutual friends; not just hers. But after listening time and again to her tales of woe, villifying him, her ex, her employer (who I know)...and other people in her life, I've realized that she is someone who *likes* to be a victim. If she was truly unhappy in the situation, she'd leave (my friend has the financial means to do so, she supports the DP if you can believe it!?!) Also, some people really like to gripe, they live for the negative.

I won't go into details, but basically my friend never sticks up for herself; does not take a stand, does not avail herself of options and help that is readily there. And then when things don't miraculously resolve when she does nothing, she goes around to all her friends dropping comments like the ones you mentioned. I hope I'm not projecting too much, but I've been really burned by that friendship, and I know you're a kind person so I would not want you to go through that. Before I went through this particular experience I would have wholeheartedly agreed with pp in the way to approach this, but now I'm not quite as apt to take the friends' story as it's face value.

So, I would tread carefully with this friend. I would certainly not dismiss that she is in an abusive relationship, I think that it's clear that she is - but I would also not invest more than you can afford in trying to help out someone that doesn't want to be helped. I know that sounds horribly cold, but I think you should keep in mind - while you're trying to help - that at some point, it might not work. Let her know you're there, point her towards some community resources, offer to accompany her/drive her, whatever...And to treat yourself gently if it does not. Does that make sense? Also, be prepared for some hostility on her part, or some turning away.

I would ask yourself some questions - Has she always complained or griped about the DH? Is she generally a negative person? Does she gripe about other people, or situations, as well? Do you ever hear her relate, or see firsthand, that she stands up for herself? How is the DH around the kids? Have you heard him treat her poorly, dismissively, or abusively, or is this all second-hand? The answers to those would give more of an idea of her general outlook and how I would approach the situation. :hug:

[TwinFoxes]

She is in an abusive relationship. At this point all you know of is the emotional abuse but there could be more. Have you asked her to confide in you and tell you if she is honestly safe at home? I can not imagine being in a relationship like that and I think it's truly tragic that so many women are.


:yeahthat: If you mention anything to her, I think Elektra's suggestion of just saying you care about her, and don't think she should be treated that way is a good one. You don't want to alienate her by coming on too heavy.

Situations like this make me depressed. Why are there so many d**ks in world?

[egoldber]

It does sound like emotional abuse. Almost all physical abusers are also emotional abusers, but emotional abuse on it's own is also very, very common. It is also often a pre-cursor to physical abuse. I grew up in an household that was "just" emotionally abusive, and it was devastating to all of us.

I agree that if you come on too strong, she will likely just avoid you. I would just let her know that is she ever wants to talk you are there for her.

The link the PP gave about how to help a friend had some excellent advice.


Have you heard him treat her poorly, dismissively, or abusively, or is this all second-hand?

This is not at all a good indication. Emotional abusers are often very careful to not let others see their abuse. People outside my family thought my father was a delightful, charming man. He was gregarious, social and friendly. One of the worst parts of emotional abuse is that people outside the family don't see the abuse and therefore don't believe it when they are told about it. I am not saying that was the case in this particualr situation, but in general if someone says they are being emotionally absued, they almost certainly are. The sad thing is so many people don't realize that emotionnal abuse IS a form of abuse on its own. I had never heard the term until I was in therapy as an adult.

[sewarsh]

I have a VERY close friend whose DH is getting more and more controlling as well. It REALLY sucks. My friend is a very private person so its hard to talk to her sometimes, but i empathize with you becuase my dear friend is going through a similar situation (although not AS controlling YET as your friend).