Princess obsession and other issues that started recently

[nmosur]

A little background first - DD will turn 4 in May. She is an only child. She goes to preschool and has other friends too. A mix of boys and girls -older and younger than her. We are a multilingual family and DD is fluent in two other languages (Dh's and mine) and English. At home she has a good mix of toys - but no dolls as such (she has never shown much interest in the one doll she has). Lots of books which she loves. She doesn't watch TV but has watched a few movies on DVD chosen by the both of us - Up, Lion King, Jungle Book, Aliens Vs Monsters and maybe a couple here and there. In short, she has no strong influences of the "princess" kind. We haven't read any princess stories at home either as far as I can remember.

Starting a week ago she has gotten obsessed with being a princess, liking only princess colors, wanting to wear only dresses, skirts and strappy sleeves. A couple of weeks ago her favorite shirt was one that had a gecko on it and now she asks me if it is a boys shirt. She has started to speak to me only in English because it is the princess language, refuses to sing any non-English songs and acts like she can't say the words if I insist. She has conversations about fashion and clothes with adults when I am not around (this is my fault - I buy lot of clothes for her). It is giving me sleepless nights because we strive hard to give DD a well rounded experience (which I don't think has to include princesses).

I don't know what to do. I have spoken to director of her preschool asking if they can lessen the amount of princess dress-up (seems like that is the only dress-up stuff they have in her class) but she insisted that it is good for the girls to dress up and bond over princessy stuff (why can't they bond over other stuff??). She thinks she is white (she is fair skinned) and this by far is the most shocking thing to me. I have a dark complexion and as an ethnic group Asian Indians come in all hues and colors. I don't know where she got this idea from.

I recognise that I am negatively biased with regards to the whole "princess" issue but this is the way we want her to grow up. What should I do?? Indulge in it a little or be strict about it. How do I distract her from this obsession. What can I do to make sure that the influence is minimized?? Any suggestions - I am very very concerned.

TIA

[maylips]

I can't give you any advice but I can tell you that DD's princess obsession began about a week into preschool too, so there must be something about girls getting together and princess topics taking over. Her only princess knowledge before that was Fiona from Shrek and she didn't prefer that movie over Jungle Book, Charlotte's Web, or any other of the few we have that don't include princesses. Since she began preschool, she LOOOVES pink and wants to watch Sleeping Beauty all.the.time.

So, no help here, but wanted to tell you it must be common. I don't like it, but I also know that the more I put her in situations that aren't in my control (like 4 hours of preschool twice a week where I'm not there), the more I'm going to have to let those things go, to the degree that they aren't harming our basic morals and values. I guess I've chosen to pick my battles and that isn't one of them, mainly because she is still a great kid and, outside of that, I don't see a huge detrimental change in her.

[jse107]

Well, I'm about as "non-princessy" as one can get, and my DD still loves them. She also loves all things pink, which I DO NOT. I think part of it is a phase, and part of it is her personality. We continue to expose her to everything her brother does and many gender-neutral activities--fishing, hiking, exploring local farms, bikeriding, gardening, etc.

I wouldn't ban princess stuff, but I would be sure to continue to give her other options.

I'd be more concerned about her developing a positive cultural identity. Are there "princesses" in her/your cultural background that she could emulate/explore? Perhaps that can be folded into the mix at preschool. Perhaps emphasize the qualities that would make a princess a good leader--not just the superficial things?

"...she insisted that it is good for the girls to dress up and bond over princessy stuff (why can't they bond over other stuff??). " I would have had a fit over this. Is there a PTO that can get some other dress-up clothes? Could you get the parents together to donate/buy other dress-up items?

Kids go through all different phases. It's only been a week, so here's to hoping it's a short phase!

[luza]

For what it is worth, my 5 1/2-year-old DD went through a similar phase around that time (both with being princess-y and issues with not wanting to speak her second language with me). I think a lot of it is just that they are starting to really focus at that age on similarities and differences between girls and boys and themselves from other children.
The language issues have been better since she started taking the non-English language as a second language when she started kindergarten, making me think that some of that part of the problem may have been simply that her English language vocabulary was much bigger and so it was easier to express herself in English when talking about abstract issues or unusual animals and plants. The princess-y thing got better after we introduced her to fairies (the rainbow fairies books) and to Harry Potter. She now wants to be either a fairy like the rainbow fairies or a witch like Hermione Granger. I'm not sure if you would see those options as an improvement, but for me it was.

[nmosur]

[QUOTE=jse107;2693074]

I'd be more concerned about her developing a positive cultural identity. Are there "princesses" in her/your cultural background that she could emulate/explore? Perhaps that can be folded into the mix at preschool. Perhaps emphasize the qualities that would make a princess a good leader--not just the superficial things?

QUOTE]

Good advice!! I will pull out all the Indian warrior princess books! Hopefully I won't start a new obsession with bindis, bangles, anklets, sarees, long skirts, jewellery................ LOL

[nmosur]

She now wants to be either a fairy like the rainbow fairies or a witch like Hermione Granger. I'm not sure if you would see those options as an improvement, but for me it was.

DD used to be that way! When she played princess games with the other girls she always wanted to play the witch. When her friend suggested that they pretend to be princess, her suggestion was that they be witches instead. Apparently I had/have no problem with witch-play.

[pinkmomagain]

My dd is 4 and also really likes princesses (don't know if it's an "obssession"). The girls in school really do bond over this kind of stuff. If I were in your position, I wouldn't put a stop to it, as it may only want to make her want it more, KWIM? But, given your strong feelings about it, I wouldn't go running out buying stuff to indulge her either. Let her have fun with it at school with friends, and at home try to encourage other types of play. JMHO

[brittone2]

nak-
cool books at this company:
http://store.barefootbooks.com/catalogsearch/advanced/result/?by_subject=161

http://www.amazon.com/Paper-Bag-Princess-Classic-Munsch/dp/0920236162

[citymama]

Another brown-skinned mama with a princess-obsessed DD. Mine is also 4 and it's been about 6 months since she started to get into princesses and insist that she wear only "girly" clothes and colors. Drives me nuts, but we decided to play along and see how far it goes. Fact is, DD doesn't really like princesses so much as wants to fit in with the other girls in school. This is the age when they seem to gender-identify and group, and this is their way of trying to fit in with the others. I agree with you that there should be other things they can bond over, but no other girl her age seems to be animal-obsessed or dinosaur-mad like she is! I am frustrated that the pants and blue clothes in her closet seem to be unworn, but I'm also trying not to read too much into it. Her interests and personality haven't changed - she is still an outdoorsy, nature-loving, dirt-under-the-nails kind of kid, who just happens to want to wear pink most of the time. ;)

On the skin color thing, DD was all about the golden haired princesses for a little while - she still likes Cinderella best (note that she has never ever seen a princess movie, and we have never read her a princess story!). But the other day, she was playing a princess doll dress-up game (where you can choose different hair styles, skin colors, clothes and other features for your princess) and she repeatedly chose the brown-skinned, dark haired girl over all the others. Woo-hoo!

Although we try not to draw attention to race at all (I think they're barely aware of it at this age), we definitely try and support the "brown is beautiful" message - and also provide her with lots of books with girl protagonists of all colors, races and nationalities so she sees diversity as something positive. I don't know if it's working, but we'll see.

I was sad when she said she didn't want to name DD2 an "Indian" name but a "normal" name like Lucy. Again, trying not to read too much into it.

I agree with you that it's bizarre that the only dress-up they have in your DD's school is princess dress-up. My DD's school doesn't have any princess dress-up - it's more Waldorf style generic dress up items. DD has some hand-me-down princess dress-up things at home that she likes to wear.

Good luck!

[gordo]

I also think this is just a typical phase. I am also as non-girly, non-princess as you can get. heck, it didn't even dawn on me to buy my daughter dolls until she was over 2. But yet she is SO girly - will only wear skirts and dresses, asks at least once a day if she is a real princess, etc. While we don't encourage it at home, I also have not made a big deal of it. I figure there is far worse that she could be into I suppose. I definitely agree with helping her build a more positive cultural identity. Good luck!

[khalloc]

I think all little girls are obsessed with princesses, and I think banning all things "princess" will only make it worse.

I dont see what the big deal is and why its so bad to be into princesses myself, I mean I think I loved Disney movies as a kid and probably wanted to be a princess too, but you outgrow that. I guess I would be concerned about her thinking she was white and only speaking English, etc....maybe you can go to the library and look for books about real-life princesses that are of difference races.

My 4yo DD is obsessed with princesses too. I just let her go with it. Its fun for her.

[Seitvonzu]

when you said indian & princess, i immeadiately thought of barefoot books--- so i'm glad brittone beat me to it, and provided links :)

i also thought of my favorite childhood book "the little princess"-- which focuses on BEHAVING like a princess (of course, the little girl does end up with a rich benefactor at the end....but even still, she always is kind and generous and doesn't sink to "low" behavior). not all princess stuff is "bad" which i'm sure you know ;) i agree that you don't have to over indulge this. keep providing the balance and let dd get her fix at school. that seems fair enough.

we're trying to at least avoid the disney princessy stuff, but it's harder than i thought... my SIL and mother have already sent our 2 year old things with those images. i let her have it, and we do read some fairytale stories, but pink hasn't taken over YET. we DO have a "royal" outfit (princess dress w/pink skirt), but lucy prefers to dress up like a witch or pumpkin or pirate so far. i too buy my only girl TOO many clothes. time to get mindful i guess!

[sunnyside]

My niece (7 now) went through a huge princess phase, and now she just wants to do all sorts of arts and crafts. It seemed like just yesterday she was at Disney World getting all dolled up like a princess, and now she's writing a story and sending it off to be bound into a real book and wants other crafts and things to make.

I wouldn't lose too much sleep over it. I can relate though. I'm pregnant with a girl and I'm dreading that we'll end up in princess world too. So I do feel your pain.

[fivi2]

[QUOTE=jse107;2693074]

I'd be more concerned about her developing a positive cultural identity. Are there "princesses" in her/your cultural background that she could emulate/explore? Perhaps that can be folded into the mix at preschool. Perhaps emphasize the qualities that would make a princess a good leader--not just the superficial things?

QUOTE]

Good advice!! I will pull out all the Indian warrior princess books! Hopefully I won't start a new obsession with bindis, bangles, anklets, sarees, long skirts, jewellery................ LOL

I think it would be a great idea to get her some fun dressy clothes that represent your culture. IMO all kids go through a sparkly "fancy" phase (boys and girls) whether they call it dressing up like a princess, fairy (our house), or something else. So if you provide fun clothes that represent your culture, she would still have that and perhaps you would feel better about it.

My 4 yos are super into fairies, but not so much princesses. Their school is small and crunchy, so not really an issue yet. I would have a problem with your director's response, though - that does not seem appropriate. Do they have dress up clothes for the boys? I would talk to other parents about stocking the dress up corner with other toys (eta: meant to say different costumes, not toys).

FWIW, I am not sure why I am okay with fairies and not princesses, but maybe you can shift her focus to something you are more comfortable with.

[s7714]

I agree with others that it's part of socializing at preschool which makes the princess thing grow. Neither of my DDs were into girlie princesses until my older DD was in preschool and then it suddenly became the norm.

We've checked this book, called Princess Grace, out from the library several times and I recommend it. It talks about how all the girls in the main character's class end up picking different costumes to be princesses because there are many different kinds of princesses.
http://www.amazon.com/Princess-Grace-Mary-Hoffman/dp/B001KOU1LS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1271191205&sr=1-1

[Piglet]

Just wondering - would you be bothered if you had a DS and he developed a fascination with cars or trains? There are loads of "boy" games that girls have very little interest in, be it Star Wars or Thomas the Train. How many times have you been invited to a Thomas birthday for a girl or a Princess birthday for a boy? You can't force them to pick the games you want. They have to explore their own gender roles and identities and you have to shape their outlook. You just can't force a girl to stop wearing pink and purple anymore than you can stop a boy from wearing blue and green. As much as I wish DD didn't like princesses, I also recognize that they are no different from playing with dolls or having a play kitchen. Sure I bought dolls and kitchens for my boys, but deep down I was only doing it to buck the gender roles. I fully encourage DD to play Star Wars, but again it is my direction. If it was up to the boys, I bet they would have loved guns an trucks and my DD would have like frilly pink tutus. As an aside, I will say that my mom bought DD pink dress up clothes for Passover and who wore them the most? DS2!

[AnnieW625]

My dd is 4 and also really likes princesses (don't know if it's an "obssession"). The girls in school really do bond over this kind of stuff. If I were in your position, I wouldn't put a stop to it, as it may only want to make her want it more, KWIM? But, given your strong feelings about it, I wouldn't go running out buying stuff to indulge her either. Let her have fun with it at school with friends, and at home try to encourage other types of play. JMHO

I agree with this 100% and don't think I could say it any better. My daughter just turned 4 just over a week ago. DD has some princess things others have given her and I don't have a problem with it. She doesn't have dress up clothes at home because we just don't have the space. She plays with them at school. She also says she puts on the dr. outfit at school too. DD also knows that princesses are pretend and she loves Princess Fiona as equally as she does Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty. I can't really help with the language thing as DD speaks English only at home, but both DH and I wish we could get her to speak more Spanish as she understands it quite well as she has been exposed to it since she was a baby at daycare.

[nmosur]

Thank you all for your responses. I am feeling much more confident about dealing with issue.

brittone2: I will definitely check out the books that you have linked to. I might just end up donating a few of these books to DD's school for her birthday.

Thank you for the other dress up suggestions - DD has had dress up stuff since she turned one. Its mostly pieces of colorful scarves, a lot of plastic bangles, a pirate sword, a tutu (that she probably wore once for an hour), cloth bags, etc etc. which she will play with on and off. I talked to her class teacher an hour ago and she mentioned that DD almost never ever dresses up in the princess costumes. And she mentioned that DD has now been welcomed into this group of three girls who usually hang together. Apparently she was invited to share their table at lunch! And this is a three year old class - I can't remember how it was when I was three.

I don't know how I would have reacted if I had a son who was super interested in cars and trains - never thought about it. I did want to buy DN a few "girly" things but my brother put his foot down and I didn't bother wasting money on it - my brother would have given them away the minute I left their house.

Over the years I have tried to analyse why I am uncomfortable with the "princess" theme. My biggest issue I suppose is that there is always a prince who rescues them - that is something that I am not comfortable with. I know Disney now makes more "correct" princess characters but Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Snow White/other older princess seem to rule the roost. I have no problem with DD being girly at all - I probably feed that with all the clothes/shoes that I buy her. Couldn't she be girly without being a princess?? She loves playing mommy (sometimes doctor) to all her animal babies and I think it is neat that she is developing the maternal facet of her personality.

Funny thing, I just call DD a queen (rani) in my native language and she turned and asked me to call her "princess". I tried explaining that a queen is better than princess but no go.

[sunnyside]

I just remembered I have an awesome Princess book, if you want to get it to read to her. It's called the Paper Bag Princess and it's essentially about a princess that is in love with a prince, but then the prince say something mean to her and she dumps him LOL. Anyways, I can't wait to read it to my daughter!

[citymama]

Funny thing, I just call DD a queen (rani) in my native language and she turned and asked me to call her "princess". I tried explaining that a queen is better than princess but no go.

Try "rajkumari" then. ;) I call DD my rani-beti too!

[dhano923]

We are also Indian-American and my 4.5yo DD has developed a princess obsession over the last couple months. She goes to a home daycare with 3 other girls -- 2 are indian, and one is African-American. Babysitter is also indian (family friend). DD is a diva -- loves clothes and shoes, won't wear things she's not in the mood for, etc. She loves to dress up. She's got both indian dress up clothing (scarves, lenghas, saris, bangles, bindis, etc) as well as western clothing like tutus, purses, princess dresses (Halloween costumes), etc. We encourage her to dress up as both a "Disney Princess" and as an "Indian Princess". I watch Bollywood movies, so both kids will sit and watch for me for a bit, and DD loves Bollywood songs, so I encourage her to listen and dance, and to dress up like the actresses she sees. We figure that way she gets the best of both worlds.

[mommyp]

Not there yet with DD, but definitely check out The Paper Bag Princess (brittone2 linked to it) by Robert Munsch. It's great! She rescues the prince.