help w/family situation

[ezcc]

We got an invitation to a nephew's Bar Mitzvah. It's on a Saturday at 9 am and there is a party from 5-9 pm that night. We live about an hour away so we would need to leave the house quite early Saturday morning to make the service and then would have the bulk of the day to either come home (an additional couple of hours in the car) or find something to do with ourselves in that area. The wrinkle is that DH and his sister do not have a good relationship. Our families have very little in common and it seems to be getting worse. I am afraid that if we do not go the rift will grow wider but DH is pushing to send our regrets. He mentioned just coming to the party and not the service, but she has already told him if he wants to come to the party he must come to the service. DN's older brother had his Bar Mitzvah 2 years ago and it was pretty difficult for our DC -it was over 2 hours long and mostly in Hebrew (we are not Jewish). I understand that this is a big deal for our nephew and would like to support him but am getting a lot of resistance from DH. WWYD?

[o_mom]

Option A - send DH to the service by himself (if you can only attend one event, it should be the service, IMO) and regrets for the party with a nice gift.

Option B - All go, but only DH attends service while you go to breakfast with the DC, then find something to do for the day until the party. If you are staying overnight, ask for an early check-in at the hotel and you can get in after lunch, take DC swimming and then a nap (if needed) before the party.

Option C - All go to service, but find someone to babysit DC during it (family friend? bring a teen along?)

Option D - Leave DC with someone at your house for the day while you and DH go either to just the service or the service and the party.

Obviously options C & D depend a whole lot more on the ages, temperament and availability of caregivers.

[gatorsmom]

Option A - send DH to the service by himself (if you can only attend one event, it should be the service, IMO) and regrets for the party with a nice gift.

Option B - All go, but only DH attends service while you go to breakfast with the DC, then find something to do for the day until the party. If you are staying overnight, ask for an early check-in at the hotel and you can get in after lunch, take DC swimming and then a nap (if needed) before the party.

Option C - All go to service, but find someone to babysit DC during it (family friend? bring a teen along?)

Option D - Leave DC with someone at your house for the day while you and DH go either to just the service or the service and the party.

Obviously options C & D depend a whole lot more on the ages, temperament and availability of caregivers.

:yeahthat: I like her options. I think someone from your house should go and show support. Sending your regrets will certainly not make the situation better.

[o_mom]

:yeahthat: I like her options. I think someone from your house should go and show support. Sending your regrets will certainly not make the situation better.


Thanks!

I forgot Option E - YOU go alone to the service and the party and stay overnight and have a blast while DH stays home with the kids. ;)

[ezcc]

Thanks, that's really helpful- I hadn't even really considered staying over, but that could actually work. I may look into it. I think I'm leaning towards leaving the kids at home with someone and the two of us just going to the service. I wish I could send dh, but I know he won't go for that. Option E is definitely not one I would consider as I don't really like these people that much either! But, it is his family and I think we should try and stay on good terms with them if we can. The only problem with just going to the service is we won't really get a chance to see the out of town folks, but it may be the best way to go if we can't figure out a reasonable overnight option.

[egoldber]

I have taken older DD to several Bar Mitzvahs when she was young. We always started at the service, but as soon as she started to get bored, I would take her out and walk her around. She liked the music and the chanting. There were others with babies and toddlers who did the same thing.

[HIU8]

At our shul (and at most I have been to) there is a playroom. We start out in the service (note: we have never shown up when the service begins. We usually get there by 10 when the torah service starts) and the entire service is over at 12:15 (this is at our particular shul). We normally end up with one parent taking the kids to the playroom and one staying in the service (and we switch off). When the entire family has been invited to bar/bat mitzvah's we take the entire family (and we have traveled at least 3 hours each way for this). BUT we are not in the situation that involves a constrained relationship. I think for me it would depend on other family being there and other circumstances of the relationship.

Also, if there is other family there (grandparents, cousins etc...) the kids will be entertained a lot and will probably have a good time.

[sunshine873]

I've never been to a Bar Mitzvah. Is that normal - that the service is in the morning & the party is so much later? That seems pretty inconsiderate to any guests, not to mention those that are traveling - like you!

I guess that's a moot point though, isn't it? Since you're going to try to maintain some kind of positive relationship, I think it would be great if you could attend both the service & the party. I really like the idea of getting a hotel room. That way you can play it by ear whether you want to do something fun & exciting in the area in between, take naps, etc. Plus, if you get to a melt-down point, you won't still have a long drive ahead of you.

[Melanie]

I think I'd have Dh go to one of the events alone, and your family go to the other. If anyone asks, explain without judgement (sooo hard in those 'split' event situations - they annoy the heck out of me) that you cannot do both but wanted to make sure to celebrate with Dn and it was SO important to his uncle to see both.

[nfowife]

if your kids are invited to the party, I would have DH go alone to the service, or get a sitter for the morning part and go together. Then I would have your whole family go to the party at night. But I wouldn't bring kids to the service. I think they would have fun at the party, it's usually pretty lively and kid-friendly!

[sewarsh]

A bar mitvah is a HUGE deal. honestly, if you do not go, this may cause a permanent rift in your relationship, so whatever you choose i would definately keep that in mind. i understand how inconvenient and hard it will be with young kids, but like i say to my sister, its really amazing how soon people forget (like her!).

[chays]

I would send DH to the service and then you all go later to the party. They *should* understand that its hard for little kids to sit through that.

[HIU8]

On the Sabbath if you are religious the party is in the evening. The sabbath is for resting etc.. (not doing any work such as playing an instrument, dancing, driving a car and not handling money--this of course is followed very strictly the more religious you are). In my experience, people wait until Saturday night so they can have a fancy party (or it is generally the norm in some areas). In fact, I have only been to two bar/bat mitzvah's where the party immediately followed the service.