WWYD Friendship Question

[ray7694]

A group of us at work are really close and have children who are close in age. Since they were little we have participated in play dates and on occasion will go out as couples.

I had a falling out with one of the people. I have apologized and tried to stay on good terms but this person is holding a grudge and I have came to terms that we will never be friends again.

So the issue is whenever this friend is invited to things SHE will not come if I am coming. It puts everyone in an aquward place because they like us both. We have had a monthly cards night and they invite both of us and if I rsvp I am coming she doesn't. If we can't come then she goes.

Now I have found out about a summer kids T-ball league that we weren't invited to and I am guessing this previous friend is involved as well as her husband. I hate that it is a big secret because when I ask others they say they are signing the kids up for T-ball and don't say anymore when I know a league was formed we weren't invited to.

WWYD? Should I confront the person? I really just want to not attend anything so I don't have this issue but they are some of my close friends.

[sste]

Not your problem. Would not confront her. Go to whatever you want to go to in terms of gatherings. If she wants to behave this way, then that is really her problem and should not affect your social plans in any way.

If you feel like you want to keep the door open with her and it wouldn't be awkward, invite her whenever the gathering is at your house. And if she refuses, leave it at that. Again, not your problem. :)

[TwinFoxes]

I'm not sure what a confrontation would accomplish.

I don't quite get the t-ball thing though. Is it a public league and a bunch of people just signed up for the same one? Why do you need an invitation? If the other "friends" have decided to go along with her behavior by forming a league and excluding you, I doubt a confrontation will help. It sucks, but friends who would drop another friend on command sound pretty lame.

[ray7694]

Should I confront the people when I am not invited? This league was formed with a girls husband work sponsoring. I am friends with her but I am thinking I wasn't invited because the Non friend is involved and possibly her husband is helping. I hate how everyone is acting all hush about the team like they don't want me to know since we weren't included.

[bubbaray]

I think you should just leave it and not confront anyone. People pick sides in disputes, such is life.

[boolady]

I think you should just leave it and not confront anyone. People pick sides in disputes, such is life.

I agree, unfortunately. I think you run the risk of making things worse, and making a lot of people very uncomfortable and pretty much sealing the deal on never talking to you again once that happens. Looking at things from their side, there are two possibilities: (1) that they picked sides; or (2) they aren't overtly picking sides, but see that this is the direction the "group" is headed and since they were invited, aren't going to make a fuss about your exclusion. I guess there is a third option, that they disagree with the other person but are going along with it, but then they're not very good friends in the first place.

I realize when it's work, it's hard, because you see these people every day, but maybe you just need to focus on your non-work friends and DD's own friendships and relationships as outlets for social activity.

[ray7694]

I have talked to some of the people in the group and they say they want both parties to come so they invite both. I have thought about just not going to anything anymore but then I am punishing myself/children and giving the power to a person I dislike.

[JenChem]

I think I would point-blank ask someone what the t-ball league is. If it's public and there are forms online I'd join it. If they tell you it's private and you can't join then I guess you have your answer.

This is a really sucky situation. Maybe you should arrange with a superior to have some mediation? I would be really hurt to be excluded from this.

ETA: I also wanted to say that I had a falling out with a coworker that made things awkward for almost a year. I finally wrote her a letter that simply and emphatically stated that I was sorry for the issue in question (which was completely my fault). I didn't ask her to understand my situation, I didn't try to argue for my side, I avoided discussing anything other than the incident in question. It turned out that there were a lot of misunderstandings in the way I initially apologized to her at the time of the accident and in reality she wasn't mad at me but she understood my communications as if I were saying I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. So that sounds confusing but basically I botched my apology in the moment by bringing up a lot of unnecessary things when really all that needed to be said was "I messed up, I'm sorry, and I want to be friends". Can't hurt to try right?

[boogiemomz]

I have talked to some of the people in the group and they say they want both parties to come so they invite both. I have thought about just not going to anything anymore but then I am punishing myself/children and giving the power to a person I dislike.

yeah, i wouldn't stop going to things, you don't want to lose all your friends over the conflict with this one person (who seems unable to let go of it!). if you feel comfortable that your other friends are staying out of it to the best of their ability, then i would just participate in the things that you want to participate in and let her exclude herself if that's what she wants to do. it would be a shame for you and your family to miss out on fun times and friendships just because she is determined not to get past what happened before. seems like, in time, it should be clear to everyone that she is the one who wants to hang out to all the past negativity and you just want to move on, so, as well as you can, just make a decision not to participate in her behavior that perpetuates the conflict. she's the one who's missing out.

sorry this is happening! :hug:

[ewpmsw]

Not your problem. Would not confront her. Go to whatever you want to go to in terms of gatherings. If she wants to behave this way, then that is really her problem and should not affect your social plans in any way.

If you feel like you want to keep the door open with her and it wouldn't be awkward, invite her whenever the gathering is at your house. And if she refuses, leave it at that. Again, not your problem. :)

Couldn't have said it better myself!

[khm]

Like JenChem's ETA, I might try one more time to apologize VERY simply. Without excuses or too much rehashing.

It just seems often times some single thing snowballs and they think this and you fear that and weirdness way above and beyond ensues, and a simple "let's work past this" can't hurt at this point.

[Melbel]

It sounds to me like XF and current DFs will be on the same Tball team, not just in the same league, perhaps with the XF's DH coaching. It is a public league, but DF has made it clear that she is not comfortable with the OP around, which would be the case if they were on the same team. If it were me, I may try one more attempt at apologizing. It is too bad it has to be that way, but I would be prepared to sit Tball out. It sounds like the XF has sat out on occasion too.