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View Full Version : Anyone else feel disappointed when pg at same time as family member?



ourbabygirl
04-23-2010, 09:57 PM
UPDATE: O.k., so I just found out less than an hour ago that my OTHER SIL is pregnant, too! Last time we had 3 babies within 3 months of one another, and now this fall there will be 3 more babies within a little over 1 MONTH of one another! I'm still in shock but this strangely makes me feel more excited and like it's not such a big deal that I'm not the only one pregnant. I guess the 'specialness' of my pregnancy is way overtaken by the 'specialness' of 3 pregnancies again, and it's crazy but cool! We'll definitely have to get lots of pictures together of our pregnant bellies, because we didn't last time. My poor parents ;-)....


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I know I shouldn't logically feel bad about this, but part of me just needs to vent here because DH doesn't understand and I don't have anyone else to share it with. So thanks for reading/ being here for me! :hug5:
I found out recently that another family member is pregnant, too, and we're within a couple weeks of one another (this, btw, happened exactly the same way two years ago, but our kids ended up with almost the same birthday)... I'm happy for them, of course, but still feeling a little stunned and disappointed because it kind of takes away from the 'specialness' of my pregnancy. I know that's not the case, but that's how it feels to me, anyhow. It's not like I'm jealous or anything, I just feel kind of bad that it keeps turning out this way and I really don't want our kids (now two kids each) to be compared when they're growing up. I already went down that path with our first kids and I don't want it to be that way again, especially if we both have girls, for example.
Have you dealt with something similar? Is there anything you read or heard to make yourself move on and stop feeling this way? ;)

Thanks for your advice!

maestramommy
04-23-2010, 10:02 PM
Well, I've been preggo the same time as my sister for a short stretch (her DS is a few months younger than Arwyn), but I never felt like it took away from my pregnancy. Course this is such an individual thing, I just don't think things like that. But I will say that my parents now have 7 grandkids, all pretty close in age, and there is no way you ever avoid the comparisons, even if they aren't overlapped. People just can't help themselves. So just tell yourself that even if your relative wasn't having a baby until after you gave birth, the comparisons would probably still happen. It's human nature. :hug5:SIL's girls are years older than mine, and MIL compares them all.the.time.

belovedgandp
04-23-2010, 10:10 PM
No I get it. My ILs are completely wacky and we limit our interactions to the bare minimum, but I still had awkward, frustrating moments as my SIL had her first son six weeks after my second was born. Part of that goes to Thanksgiving dinner where she basically shouted "I'm pregnant OK" and stormed out of the room. So much for announcing our pregnancy at that family gathering. We waited until Christmas and I was due the beginning of June.

You just want the best for your kids and people can really be clueless on the comparisons and comments.

♥ms.pacman♥
04-23-2010, 10:13 PM
omg i've totally, totally BTDT. :hug: don't feel too bad, it's only natural to have these feelings IMO.

in my case, DH & I really wanted kids right away but waited a long time, mainly for financial reasons (finishing school, buying a house, etc). we moved to be closer to DH's family, bought a house and then we wanted to start trying to have kids. i should also note that DH's brother & SIL who live in the same town as my ILs already had 2 schoolaged kids and my ILs were very very close to them, spent all their holidays with them, TOTALLY spoiled them rotten and went to every single play, soccer game what not. while even after we moved closer, DH & I didn't get visited at all because we didn't have kids, and they'd always rather spend the holiday with them. ok, i finally accepted that. I always thought that once we had a baby they would visit more and he would be showered with so much attention (especially since he would be "the baby"). then early last year we found out that SIL (two years younger than me) was preggo with her THIRD kid.i remember i was so upset i cried afterwards, part of it was just being sad that we were going to matter even less much b/c we still didnt' have kids..another part was wondering if it would ever be my turn to have a baby. my DH did NOT get it and was kinda pissed at me for even being upset, which made me even more upset. i know it's dumb, but i had this hopeful idea that FINALLY one day it would be "our turn" to have our baby and he would have all this attention like his cousins enjoyed..and realizing he would never ever get made me very sad. even after i got preggo a few months after, i was still kinda mad that when our baby would be born there would already a be a new baby in the family and ours would just be like an afterthought.

anyway, all i can say after our DS was born, i got over it..i guess i got so smitten with him that other things seem to matter less. but i SO know the feeling, and i don't think you're being silly at all. hugs. :grouphug:

TwinFoxes
04-23-2010, 10:15 PM
There is no way you ever avoid the comparisons, even if they aren't overlapped. People just can't help themselves. So just tell yourself that even if your relative wasn't having a baby until after you gave birth, the comparisons would probably still happen.

Yep, I can vouch for this.

I'm not the type to worry about my specialness. It's kind of like brides who get annoyed that someone is getting married in the same year. It's not my issue, but it doesn't make it any less valid to you. So vent away!!! :)

wellyes
04-23-2010, 10:17 PM
I have about 60 cousins, someone is always pregnant here LOL.

But DH's side is much much smaller and DD is the ONLY grandchild. The presents, attention, photos - it's ridiculous. His aunts, his cousins, his grandparents, everyone just spends every holiday cooing over her and watching her. So I get where you are coming from. There is something very special about a new baby or being the only little one underfoot. And I'm sure it's not the same when there are two.

So I think it's OK to be a little disappointed. The huge, enormous UPSIDE is that your new DC will have someone his/her own age to play with at every event and they may even get close growing up. As babies it's nice to be the only one, but I'm sure as they grow up its so much more fun to have a playmate and -- as teens and adults --- a peer/friend.

JoyNChrist
04-23-2010, 10:19 PM
Don't feel bad for feeling that way - I think it's a pretty normal thing.

Not the same thing, exactly, but a lady at our very small, close-knit church recently announced that she's expecting triplets, and I was kind of irrationally annoyed. Like me being pregnant with "just two" isn't as special anymore. I realize that's crazy, because everyone is still really happy for us and I wouldn't want the additional stress/worry that comes with having higher order multiples anyway. But in my hormonal state, it definitely got to me.

:grouphug:

JenChem
04-23-2010, 10:27 PM
I feel your pain. We were ttc and right before we got the positive test my cousin called to announce she was pregnant. Then a few months later my sis called me in tears because she pregnant too. So instead of being alone and special I ended up being in the middle. Now, it's nice because I love that on family gatherings the babies are all close in age. FWIW two other cousins followed up this year with babies and the first cousin is pregnant again. So now DS is part of a whole new generation of the family and that is kind of special.

hellokitty
04-23-2010, 10:35 PM
BTDT and I understand how you feel. Two of out my three pregnancies coincided almost EXACTLY with family members (very close EDDs). Both times, the other family member had their baby first (even though my edd was first) and yeah, I did feel that it took away from excitement for the birth of my baby. Plus, for my first pregnancy, in which it took me 2 yrs, plus several m/c's to get pg, the other family member announced her pregnancy first and what happened was that we were going to my parents' house for a holiday and I was going to announce it to them and instead they excitedly tell me about the other family member's pregnancy. So, then I felt like an idiot saying, "Oh yeah, I am pregnant too." And of course, they were so excited about the other member's pregnancy, that they were totally stunned that I was pregnant too. That family member who was pregnant at the same time as me had her baby about a month earlier than her edd and then joked with me that we, 'copied' her (they didn't find out the sex until they had the baby, we did find out and told ppl we were having a boy), since we had a boy too. To add more insult to injury, it didn't help that I have 3 boys, so with DS2 and DS3 there was the additional lack of excitement that I was having another boy again and not a girl and with my 3rd pregnancy shared with another family member I was scared to death she would get the coveted girl and it would be a double whammy. Sounds awful, but I was relieved she had a boy too, but she wanted a boy, so I guess it all worked out. Now I'm finished having kids, but I dread when another family member has a girl (so far all boys on my side), b/c it will be a really, really big deal and just open up raw wounds I have over the fact that I never got my girl.

elektra
04-23-2010, 10:55 PM
I haven't known any different either. Two of my SIL's and I have been pregnant at the same time each time. Round 1 is 3 girls all within 4 months of each other, and then round 2 are also within 4 months of each other. I secretly do feel kind of happy that DS is a boy because all the other kids are girls, so I think I get it.
That being said, I feel really happy for my kids that they have cousins to grow up with.

KrisM
04-23-2010, 11:05 PM
I think I would feel that way too. It never happened to us though. And, we have kids with no cousins near them in age. There are at least 2 years between DS1 and the closet cousin and our 3 are the youngest on both sides. I do wish they had cousins in their age group.

mskitty
04-23-2010, 11:28 PM
Yes, I can relate with a double whammy. Someone at work had the exact same due date as I did so there was always a comparison going on. Plus my cousin had her second baby two weeks after my first. Family was great about it; coworkers, not so much.

It's pretty much like going through the cycle of mourning (in this case the vision of what you wanted): denial, anger, and then acceptance. Give yourself the gift of time to acknowledge own your feelings.

mskitty

LarsMal
04-24-2010, 12:12 AM
SIL was pregnant with her first when I was pregnant with my 3rd. I wasn't disappointed, but she might have been! I actually felt kind of guilty about it- like I was stealing her spotlight (not that MIL would give me more attention over her own daughter ;) )

Fast forward to post-pregnancy and I get very hurt/angry/upset/disappointed at the way the ILs (mostly MIL) compares the girls. She also showers DN with gifts while C gets snubbed "She doesn't need anything, she's your 3rd." That might be true, but it's still not right! C doesn't know any different, but she will one of these days.

So, I understand. On the bright side, your kids will have cousins their ages to play with, which is fun!!

Globetrotter
04-24-2010, 02:35 AM
I can understand what you're saying, but the comparisons will happen regardless.

Think of it this way.. your kids will have same age playmates!

I am so glad that my kids have same age cousins as it makes family gatherings all the more fun, and we also had more in common with the other parents.

KBecks
04-24-2010, 07:56 AM
I felt this way briefly when my SIL was pregnant at the same time.... I think it was when I was having my first and she announced very shortly after I did that she was also pregnant. But what can you do? Big picture it's not a huge thing, but I understand the feelings.

MomToOne
04-24-2010, 08:06 AM
Yup I totally get it. I was really upset about having a baby within a month of a family member. Fast forward a year some later it's not an issue at all and I'm really glad she has kids her own age at get togethers.

Part of it - maybe most of it - is that I see how special DD is and it just totally knocks the "competition" part of it out of the water. :D

Love how this pp put it :



It's pretty much like going through the cycle of mourning (in this case the vision of what you wanted): denial, anger, and then acceptance. Give yourself the gift of time to acknowledge own your feelings.
mskitty

elephantmeg
04-24-2010, 08:46 AM
yes BTDT but with a close friend from church. I was relieved when they were not preg when I was with DD. We told people at 12 weeks-their DS is exactly 4 mos younger than DS! Now with DH' side of the family the kids all overlap (after the 1st). 3 of us have kids and they are all about 5 mos apart from another one.

WatchingThemGrow
04-24-2010, 08:51 AM
Totally normal to feel this way! It happened to me both ways - like I was the newbie, then I was the one already pg. Here's the cool part - if you want to look at it this way... You have someone to share stories, btdt tips, and family gatherings with. My DD LOVES that one cousin turns 3, then she turns 3, then another cousin turns 3, then brother turns 3, and so on. It makes them able to all speak the same language and play with the same things at gatherings!

hillview
04-24-2010, 09:18 AM
Yes. My sister announced she was pg BOTH times when my DS had just been born. It is similar and I felt bad but wanted a month of special time :(.

It is nice that the kids are close in age.
/hillary

ourbabygirl
04-24-2010, 09:35 AM
Thanks, Everyone!
Yeah, I think it's just that I want to be the only one to be pregnant for once; the first time, my SIL #1 had a baby 3 months before me, & SIL #2 (both married to my brothers) had hers the day after me (our EDD were 2 weeks apart). Now this time SIL #2's EDD is again 2 weeks after mine. It's like, what are the odds?! Part of my problem is that I also used to be really good friends with this SIL (before she met my bro), and then we had a major falling out, so we have that history with one another. Now we're on polite speaking terms, but that's about it.
So I know it'll be nice for when the kids are older and can play together, but for now I'd just like to be able to experience the pregnancy by myself, if you know what I mean. :wink2: But yeah, after I process it a bit more, it'll sink in and I'll come to accept it more (nothing I can do about it except pray for a healthy pregnancy and baby for both of us, right?)...

Thanks again...:grouphug:

scrooks
04-24-2010, 09:55 AM
Not me personally but I think I have rained on other family members proverbial parades....on my mom's side of the family my oldest cousin got married a month before me (my younger sister had already been married for years but wasnt in a hurry to have kids) but we got pregnant before them. When we announced to my grandmother (who was 94 at the time and this was to be her first great grandchild) we were met with stunned silence from my aunt (my counsin's mother). It was very obvious they were disappointed we were going to produce the first great-grandchild. Well needless to say we lost that pregnancy (very tough later loss). We got pregnant again exactly 3 months after the loss but didn't plan to tell people until MUCH later. So at some point my cousin personally calls everyone to announce that they are expecting (odd, not like we talk on the phone, we live 5 hours away and aren't super close...it almost felt like he was gloating... the irony was he called to say "we are expecting in Sept" and all I could respond was "Well we are expecting in July"...RAIN...although I honestly can say I didn't feel bad....

The irony is with our second kids I got pregnant much sooner than my cousins wife, therefore the kids wouldn't be compared (a bit of an issue with my DD and theirs- mostly on their side, it didn't honestly bother me) so when they announce their second I was already 6 months a long ...BUT my sister then announces her first pregnancy due within a week of them...RAIN again!

I was pregnant at the same time as my sister and I can honestly say that was great...our boys are only 5 months apart....now she also had issues with her SIL getting pregnant with her 3rd while my sister was pregant with her first..and that is a whole seperate story!

SkyrMommy
04-24-2010, 10:16 AM
Thanks, Everyone!
Yeah, I think it's just that I want to be the only one to be pregnant for once...
...but for now I'd just like to be able to experience the pregnancy by myself, if you know what I mean. :wink2: :

That was exactly how I felt when pregnant with DD, although in my case it was a friend/coworker. I was stunned and sad at first, but realized that my pregnancy & my baby was special no matter what was going on around us.

There is no comparing your pregnancy & baby... they are special, wonderful & amazing all on their own!

LexyLou
04-24-2010, 10:31 AM
I guess it would depend on the person and how much I liked them. :p

Luckily for me when I was pregnant with DD1 one of my best friends was pregnant too and it was awesome. Our DD's were born within 2 weeks of each other and it was fun. I didn't feel like we rained on either one's parade but shared in it together and then got to share the early stages of babyhood together.

When I was pregnant with DD2 my cousin (actually DH's cousin's wife) was pregnant with her first and one of my best friends was pregnant with her first.

Unfortunately at that time I was living in New Jersey and they were both in CA so I didn't get to really share that time with them but I was excited. I ADORE my cousin and was so happy for them + she had a girl and so did I and once again less than 2 weeks apart in age so I think it's SUPER cool for them to be able to grow up together.

But if it was a cousin I didn't particularly like, I'd totally be annoyed. LOL.:hysterical:

SnuggleBuggles
04-24-2010, 10:35 AM
I think that the coolness of having family so close in age as they get older will outweigh this part (which I admit I would feel a tad disappointed about too).

Beth

Globetrotter
04-24-2010, 12:29 PM
I can understand it's harder when you don't get along with the relatives. In my case, I do like them a lot so it's a positive thing for us to have gone through our milestones together :grouphug:

viba424
04-24-2010, 01:19 PM
I can TOTALLY identify with the feelings you are having. I was the same way and it really was such a big deal to me!

A relative of mine was a few weeks ahead of me. I had two miscarriages before and so I was more protective and reserved about telling people more slowly this time around. In the meantime, she was very public about her pregnancy to the world almost from the beginning.

I really did all I could to avoid her throughout my pregnancy. I had to! Maybe to some that would seem odd or selfish, but those feelings, call them jealousy, or not sure what to call it but whatever they were, I really had to stay away from her to protect my emotions. Im so grateful my family and husband understood and supported my feelings, which I am grateful for. Honestly, that feeling didnt go away until after my beautiful baby was born. Now I feel very normal and secure again. Maybe I juse felt I couldnt relax until I knew everything was going to be okay.

Pregnancy is a very emotional thing...and its not just the hormones. Its a very complex emotional experience, thats for sure.

AnnieW625
04-24-2010, 03:44 PM
I can't let little things like that bother me either. I found out that my best friend/cousin growing up is pregnant and due 10 days after me. I am soo happy for her because she was pretty told as a late teen that she had a very slim of chance of ever having a baby. She is having a girl.

My BIL and his wife are having a boy and she is due a month or so after me. As much as DH and I would love to have our second be a boy DH thinks we will totally steal their thunder if it turns out we have the first grandson first.

DH's cousin and his wife are expecting their first at the end of June, a little girl and I am excited that #2 will have at least two cousins (one from top friend, and this one) almost the same age as DD has none. It will also be nice because these two cousins will live about a 30 minutes from us:) BIL and wife live in Nor Cal.

maiaann
04-24-2010, 04:10 PM
When I was pg with DD3, my brother and his wife got pregnant with their DD1. She was thrown showers and given so much attention. Everybody seemed to just *forget* that I was pregnant. Even when DD3 was born, I only heard from a few family members. Hardly anybody sent a gift. I assume it was because I was having my third and she her first, but it still hurt my feelings.

vonfirmath
04-25-2010, 10:46 PM
From the other side of the coin, I was so thankful to be pregnant with my cousin. Her daughter is three weeks younger than my son -- ahead in some things, behind in others. But we've been able to compare notes, and such. I really feel that I have grown closer to this cousin because of our shared experiences.

fortato
04-25-2010, 10:52 PM
It wasn't being pregnant at the same time, it was when SIL told us she was pregnant with her third...and she was due right around Jack's first birthday.

Not a big deal on it's own, but compounded with the other events she's stolen thunder from, it was just the cherry on top.
She announced her second pregnancy AT our wedding. (Where there were only 5 members of DH's family present).
We bought a house, they bought a bigger house. We bought a car, they bought a bigger car.
Then the pregnancy thing happened, and right after we announced that we were pregnant this time around, after trying for 2 years, she has this mental breakdown where she just can't handle her life, and how she feels so empty since they can't have any more kids. (DH had his SECOND vasectomy after their third child was born. He's 51, and has 2 grown children from his first marriage, and 2 grandchildren... he's DONE.)

I just thank God that I have a good support system here, because I would go nuts if I lived closer to them.

baymom
04-25-2010, 11:22 PM
I shared parts of both my pregnancies with my SIL, and it didn't really bother me at all. Mostly, because they live out of state and we don't see each other often. Now, I think it's great because the kids are all so close in age and really enjoy each others company. I know if we lived closer (and closer to MIL), I might have felt differently about it.

hellokitty
04-26-2010, 09:02 AM
It is a positive to have friends/family whose kids are close in age with your own. Too bad that both times I, "shared" pregnancies with relatives, those relatives all live pretty far away. Everyone kept commenting when I was pg with DS3 and sil was pg with DS1 about how nice it would be for the kids. Well, not really. They only come, "home" maybe 2-3x a yr. but at least if sil comes over, she can stay with us since our house is already childproof and I have everything that she would need for her son.

g-mama
04-26-2010, 09:22 AM
I guess I'm in the minority that I was thrilled to be pregnant at the same time as my SIL (dh's sister). We live 30 mins away and see them often. I like her a lot and we were both happy that we'd have babies two months apart.

Things were very different after her baby was born with Down Syndrome when my third boy was two months old. The focus definitely shifted towards her situation, as it should have. She was devastated after we'd spent nine months talking about the things they'd do together being so close in age. My third, as many third babies do, got largely ignored by extended family, but we understood completely.

WatchingThemGrow
04-26-2010, 09:44 AM
Things were very different after her baby was born with Down Syndrome when my third boy was two months old. The focus definitely shifted towards her situation, as it should have. She was devastated after we'd spent nine months talking about the things they'd do together being so close in age. My third, as many third babies do, got largely ignored by extended family, but we understood completely.
:hug: for your family and the hopes you had for the cousins and :hug: for what happened to your 3rd. That must have been really hard for everyone. How are things going now?

ourbabygirl
05-05-2010, 10:03 PM
UPDATE at beginning of thread (top of page 1)!
:cheerleader1:

TwinFoxes
05-05-2010, 10:15 PM
Wow! Your update is amazing. Here's to three happy and healthys!!!

g-mama
05-05-2010, 10:36 PM
I'm glad that the new scenario makes you feel better. I think that will be amazing and so much fun for all three of you...and the cousins!



:hug: for your family and the hopes you had for the cousins and :hug: for what happened to your 3rd. That must have been really hard for everyone. How are things going now?


WTG - only just saw this now. Thanks. :hug: Things have worked out just fine. My nephew just turned 4 and is a joy to our whole family. We have definitely learned some valuable lessons about what is important in life.

longtallsally05
05-06-2010, 12:40 AM
Not gonna lie, I felt like my sister stole my thunder when she announced she was pg with her DC #3 right after I announced I was (finally) pg with my DC #1. Then, we both had girls. And even though my due date was earlier, her DD was born first. The first granddaughter, of course. It shouldn't have mattered, but my parents favor my sister (and her children) and brother over me (and my children) and for once I just wanted my parents to be excited about something I had done. Not the fault of my sister & brother, so I refuse to let it get in the way of our relationship, but it does bum me out. Now I'm not disappointed; I'm pleased that our daughters share a special bond because of being so close in age. Even if our daughters never have a sister, they'll always have someone close to it: their cousin. It's all good.