WWYD: Coworker lost babies & own personal announcement of pregnancy

[foodiezen]

I have a very close coworker. His wife just lost twins in the second trimester. It was very very devastating for them. I am nearing my second trimester and ready to announce my pregnancy (second one). I'm nervous to tell him. In fact, I want to avoid it all together. I don't want him finding out from other coworkers...but I just can't bring myself to telling him. WWYD? TIA. katherine

[wellyes]

That is horrible for him. I'm so sorry to hear about that.

I'd not announce within 2 weeks of hearing of his loss. But I don't think you can put if off for too long if your 2nd pregnancy is anything like mine.... I started showing by 6 weeks. For sharing the news, perhaps it would be best to make a group announcement vs telling individuals. Perhaps even an email announcement if that wouldn't be too weird? That way you can share your happy news without forcing him to respond to you individually. Give him time to process and allow him to congratulate you on his own time, or lets him put it off if it stirs up too much emotion for him just now. I agree not telling him is potentially more awkward / hurtful than telling him.

I have suffered a m/c but not a late one like that so I really don't know the best approach, just trying to help think it through.

Oh - and - congratulations! :)

[Elilly]

I would tell him privately first. Let him know that you are trying to be as respectful of his loss as possible but that you're not going to be able to hide it for much longer. Let him know that you will not lie if asked, but that you are going to try to avoid a "big announcement" in light of his tragedy. I think that he would be very understanding.

[Melaine]

That is so difficult. My heart goes out to the couple. I think I would just tell him when you are both alone and be very honest. I would say, "I've been worried about sharing this news, with your painful situation." Beyond that, I think I would just keep your pregnancy kind of low-profile for awhile, and not talk a whole lot about your milestones and details at this point (which I think is probably a good work practice anyway). There is nothing you can do to reduce his pain and your situation isn't going to change so you might as well go ahead and tell him.

[lalasmama]

I would delay your announcement a few weeks, pull him aside before you do the announcement, apologize for the timing, and let him know that you are going to be announcing your pregnancy. We had a similar experience at work a few years ago, and that's how it was largely dealt with, and worked "well enough". Of course, in such a situation, I don't think there's a right or wrong, just a harder now or later.

[Fairy]

I would tell him privately first. Let him know that you are trying to be as respectful of his loss as possible but that you're not going to be able to hide it for much longer. Let him know that you will not lie if asked, but that you are going to try to avoid a "big announcement" in light of his tragedy. I think that he would be very understanding.


I would delay your announcement a few weeks, pull him aside before you do the announcement, apologize for the timing, and let him know that you are going to be announcing your pregnancy. We had a similar experience at work a few years ago, and that's how it was largely dealt with, and worked "well enough". Of course, in such a situation, I don't think there's a right or wrong, just a harder now or later.

I agree with these. We had the exact same issue with a couple who lost a baby at somewhere between 16 and 22 weeks, and we got pregnant two years later, and it was devastating for them. They avoided us till DS was a year old, it was really hard. We did everything we could to respect their feelings. So, my experienced advice is to wait as long as you can from the time the loss was made public, at least two weeks, but you are pregnant, you don't have to apologize for it, so don't pretend it isn't happening. But do be sensitive. For me, that would include avoiding a big announcement email blast or live "I have news!" during a meeting, etc. Send him an email letting him know privately and that you want to respect his feelings and will, therefore, not be making a big announcement, but that your pregnancy will be fairly obvious soon, so people will know, but you wanted to let him know ahead of time so as to not blindside him. So sorry for this couple. Congrats to you! Good luck.

[rgors]

I agree the most with this advice (Fairy's). I have been in a similar situation. My friend actually gave me explicit instructions on how to tell her, should I get pregnant. The request was to tell her in a short simple email. She wanted the option to react privately.

Announcing in a group face-to-face very public format is, imho, the worst possible scenario. Your coworker will have an intensely personal reaction to the news, and none of us would want to manage that with all of our coworkers watching us! Even the males with tough exteriors. :)

[wellyes]

OK I withdraw my suggestion to NOT directly tell him first, in the face of overwhelming wisdom in the opposite direction. I think I was projecting since I'm pretty introverted and would like a chance to take in the news on my own before having to congratulate you personally. I think. It's really hard to know how you'd feel if it was you since most of us luckily never have to face anything like that tragedy. It's probably going to be hard for him no matter what and you know him best so of course do what you think is right.

[twowhat?]

I have a good friend who miscarried in the 16-22 week time period. It was devastating for her and made even harder by the fact that several people at her workplace were expecting (and about as far along as she was). A coworker told her about her pregnancy and my friend tried her best to be happy for her but it was very hard - she cried the rest of the day at work.

I would delay making any announcement at all for as long as you can. Time helps people who have been through a loss of this kind - even a week can make a big, big difference. If you choose to make a public announcement, make it very low-key (email is good). If you are OK with not making a public announcement, I think that is fine too. Tell your boss(es) for the purposes of planning ahead, and let the word spread but don't make a big fuss about it. I know it is hard for you too since you want to be excited about this pregnancy!

eta: when I was pregnant with twins we worried constantly about "vanishing twin syndrome" in the 1st trimester, and then possibly losing one further along. Losing BOTH babies in the 2nd trimester, when all the tests, etc show that everything is looking good, has GOT to be so horrible. I cannot even begin to grasp the impact of this kind of loss.

[B.A.F.]

I have a very close coworker. His wife just lost twins in the second trimester. It was very very devastating for them. I am nearing my second trimester and ready to announce my pregnancy (second one). I'm nervous to tell him. In fact, I want to avoid it all together. I don't want him finding out from other coworkers...but I just can't bring myself to telling him. WWYD? TIA. katherine
That's a tough situation since you consider him a "very close co-worker". If I were in his position I would prefer to get a private email with the news. When I was dealing with IF every pg announcement was hard for me and it was easier for me to digest the news by myself first rather than in person or even on the phone.

Good luck and congrats on your pg.

[Carrots]

I am so incredibly sorry to hear of your coworker's news. I have been there, losing our triplets at 24 weeks. Hearing a pregnacy announcement immediately after our loss was devastating. Even though I have DD and am pregnant with DD2, there is still a part of me that feels pain from pregnacy announcements, although I am happy for the couple. I think it is because the innocence of pregnancy is lost forever for me. Anyway, I am getting off track here.

Personally, I would have rather heard of a pregnacy annoucement over an email after working hours, so I wouldn't have to put on a happy face at work or even over the phone. But that was/is comfortable for me. DH handled our loss very differently and would still be bothered by pregnancy announcement, but was able to function at work. It really depends on the kind of person he is, but I do think telling him first is appropriate. I like Fairy's suggestion about not doing a blast email or announcing at meeting. I agree with a PP who said that you ARE pregnant and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

You are very kind to consider this coworker's feelings. From experience, not everyone would be as thoughtful as you are being. :hug:

Again, my heart goes out to your coworker and his wife.

[ourbabygirl]

:yeahthat:

I'm so sorry that your coworker friend and his wife are dealing with this, and also sorry that you're in a tough spot because of your pregnancy. :hug5: It's so nice of you to be so sensitive and announce it in the best way possible. I haven't experienced a mc, but did go through a long period of ttc (before DD), and it seemed like EVERYONE was announcing they were pregnant or I'd go to parties and people would be happily bouncing babies on their laps and having fun with their little ones. It was *really* hard and just made me feel like it was so unfair that it was so hard for me to get pregnant! Anyhow, two pg announcements were particularly hard for me, and both happened at work in the morning. One was from a good friend and coworker who told me before school started one day... I was pretty much stunned (it happened *really* quickly for them and I felt kind of blindsided) and my heart dropped and then I had to go start the day with my students and try to forget what I'd just been told. Then a little while later (a few days/ weeks), I got an e-mail from a friend that I hadn't seen in a while. Same thing; I totally felt blindsided and just really sad (happy for her, but sad for me). It was before school, again, and I had to try to forget the e-mail for the day and just put on a happy face for my students. So I would totally agree to try to do it after work hours, and hopefully he'll get the e-mail at night and not right in the morning as he's checking his e-mail at the beginning of work.
Good luck, and on behalf of those who've gone through hard pregnancy-related stuff (though not nearly as hard as this), we really appreciate you taking the time and effort to be so sensitive about this topic!
And yes, congratulations on your pregnancy! :D

[AshleyAnn]

I agree the most with this advice (Fairy's). I have been in a similar situation. My friend actually gave me explicit instructions on how to tell her, should I get pregnant. The request was to tell her in a short simple email. She wanted the option to react privately.

Announcing in a group face-to-face very public format is, imho, the worst possible scenario. Your coworker will have an intensely personal reaction to the news, and none of us would want to manage that with all of our coworkers watching us! Even the males with tough exteriors. :)

This is how I told my SIL who's situation was similar. We each have had losses and were both undergoing infertility treatment. She never came out she was struggling to get pregnant but I knew of her loss and had my suspisions. I was blessed to get pregnant first and told her thru a private email that I was pregnant and I wanted her to know privately so she could digest the info in her own time. She became pregnant 4 months after I did and let it slip that she did indeed have IVF to get pregnant and she appreciated the thought to not let the news pass thru the grapevine (we aren't close at all- FB friends and Christmas)

[foodiezen]

Thank you all for your replies! I especially appreicate you taking time to help me with this situation. I am a very low key person and would never make any big announcements. However, my other coworkers definitely like to celebrate and will want to make a big deal.

I am so sadden for my coworkers loss. It makes me sick to think about all that they had to deal with.

I will take all your advice to heart. I will definitely tell him first in private. I am afraid sending an email to him would be insincere and not personal. I will be rereading this thread over and over as I build courage to work on this...but it has to be soon because I can't hide my pregnancy any longer...literally. It has been almost 2-3 weeks since their loss. So, I will try to hold out another week or so. --Katherine

[jacksmomtobe]

I really feel that telling him personally is a much better idea. To me email seems so much more impersonal. Since you two are close I think a simple statement acknowledging his loss and indicating your own pregnancy is appropriate. I think I would get some one on one time with him at the very end of the work day so he leave the office right after you speak and process your news and deal with his own emotions in private. If you are worried the news might get out due to your showing and someone inquiring then I wouldn't wait any longer. It sounds like you are sensitive to your co-workers loss and will handle it tactfully.

[KBecks]

I seriously had a co-worker who never announced her pregnancies.... it just became obvious over time and I suppose she talked to people as they approached her or just one on one.... maybe stay low key for a while and just tell the necessary people like your supervisor and HR, etc.

Best wishes!

[AnnieW625]

I seriously had a co-worker who never announced her pregnancies.... it just became obvious over time and I suppose she talked to people as they approached her or just one on one.... maybe stay low key for a while and just tell the necessary people like your supervisor and HR, etc.

Best wishes!

:yeahthat:
Because of our loss last spring this is how I was this pregnancy announcement wise. I waited as long as possible to announce it at 14 weeks and then it was just to my team mates and my boss. I never really mentioned it much to anyone but people eventually got the idea that I was pregnant. We waited soo long that some people even into the last month or so were soo surprised that I was that far along.

I will also say that even though we did lose our pregnancy at the tail end of the 2nd trimester I always felt relieved when a friend of mine gave birth (on my original due date) or another friend announced her pregnancy at 9 weeks (actually that was the day I found out I was pregnant myself with this baby) or anytime I saw a newborn. I was just always happy to see that there was another happy and healthy baby out there. Healing will take time, but just remember to be there for your friend.

[foodiezen]

I seriously had a co-worker who never announced her pregnancies.... it just became obvious over time and I suppose she talked to people as they approached her or just one on one.... maybe stay low key for a while and just tell the necessary people like your supervisor and HR, etc.


To be frankly honest, that is what I really want to do: Not say anything except to my supervisor and HR and just tell people as they ask me. But the people around me will start noticing and asking...like our receptionist. She is definitely not shy about sharing other people's info. I just would hate for my coworker to find out from others.

[Fairy]

Then ya know what, don't. Just let knowledge happen organically. You can't control what other people say, but you can control how you dispense information. I didn't announce mine at work, either, it just became obvious as I showed up in maternity clothes and got bigger in the obvious places. I like this approach alot and think it's a good option.

[viba424]

I like the idea of saying something privately first, an waiting as long as you can. Thats a very sad situation.

[soontobe]

first congrats!!!! so exciting!!!.

honestly do you have to make an announcement at all? When I have preg with ds and I was working in an office, I told my boss after 3 months (so he could figure out maternity leave) and everyone kind of just figured it out....

just a thought

[hillview]

I agree with PPs to send him a private email first so he can adjust without having you in his face. I'd then talk to him 1:1 first.
/hillary