PDA

View Full Version : Sibling Rivalry Q



arivecchi
04-26-2010, 12:45 PM
How should I react when DS1 (3y4m) says things like "Put DS2 (15 mo) in the trash can" or "Take him back to the hospital". Should I ignore those types of comments or should I have a talk with DS1 about this? It does not happen often but is rather upsetting to DH and I. For the most part, DS1 is a very loving brother (this usually happens when DS2 is playing with DS1's toys or DS1 has just woken up in the morning and is in a tired/foul mood).

DH has a not-so-diplomatic approach that I don't approve of. TIA.

m448
04-26-2010, 12:49 PM
It's normal for kids to have those feelings. Validating them (admitting to them that they are heard) is the first step in them being able to move on.

"Yes, it sounds like it's hard to have a younger brother. Sometimes it can be so frustrating you want him gone." Hug him. Then see if he has anything else to say. Most kids just need their feelings heard and acknowledged. We as parents sometimes feel that acknowledging those feelings is encouraging them. But it's not and really, his feelings are very real, they DO exist and brushing them off or trying to make him think otherwise won't work.

Acknoledge his feelings and he'll be able to see it's normal to be frustrated with a loved one even a sibling and still love them.

brittone2
04-26-2010, 12:52 PM
:yeahthat:
Honor that it is just an immature way of expressing frustration with the sibling, etc. Script him w/ better words and realize it will be a while before he can use those more appropriate words.

"You are frustrated with your brother." etc.

We also talk a lot about how you may not always like your siblings, and that's normal and okay. They may do things that make you angry. It is okay to say so. It can be hard to hear a baby cry, or have an infant/toddler taking your things. It can be hard to share mommy or daddy with a sibling. All normal and natural feelings to have, and those need to be validated.

hillview
04-26-2010, 01:20 PM
Oh oh oh pick me! DS1 used to say this ALL THE TIME. I mean ALL the time. I would do things like "DS2 is getting into your markers and that is really annoying you." and then try to help DS1 resolve the conflict (move him to another room etc). In the evenings (after DS2 had gone to bed) I'd sometimes talk about how hard it can be to have a younger brother, and that it is fun too. I am an older sister so I related my experience as well. The GOOD news is that a year later at age 4.75 DS1 is getting along MUCH better with DS2. So while there are still fights etc. it is more balanced (fun and fighting!).
/hillary

Raidra
04-26-2010, 01:25 PM
That's a totally normal feeling for a sibling. We didn't experience too much expressed just like that, but we did experience jealousy/frustration/anger in other ways. I always try to validate their feelings ("I know it's really hard being the big brother sometimes, you look like you could use some space without little brother around") and then try to resolve the specific conflict, or find a way for the bigger sibling to have some alone time. Those sorts of feelings seemed to come and go in phases, and whenever we saw an upswing, we'd make a point of giving each of the kids one on one time in a special outing with me or my husband, and that usually resolved things.

Now that Colwyn's older, when he gets aggravated I share my experiences as an older sibling, and that seems to help, too.

elektra
04-26-2010, 01:59 PM
I have been doing what everyone else is saying too- validating and giving her new words to describe what I think she is feeling.
We totally bonded over the big sister thing too. Last week she told me, "I don't like "DS"."
I then told her that, yes, little brothers can be so annoying. I know you really love him but it can be so frustrating when he grabs your toys or hair.
I went on to say, "guess what? When I was little I had a younger brother too. He used to bother me so much! But I feel bad I didn't give him more of a break."
She was like, "you did????"
It was so cute. We bonded. ;)
I showed her a picture of me at around 5 y.o., holding my then 1.y.o brother and we talked about it. She finally guessed that my little brother was her uncle C, and it was like this huge shock that we used to be kids together. Hehe.
Anyway, I feel like she has been better since then, although I feel like she is a great big sister overall.
But it is true, little brothers can be very annoying, and I wouldn't think too much on your DS #1 voicing his dislike of the situation.

arivecchi
04-26-2010, 02:27 PM
Great ideas! I guess a talk with DS1 is in order. Thanks so much!

arivecchi
05-03-2010, 11:34 AM
Happy update!

DS1 woke up in a crummy mood this morning and said that his brother was disgusting as soon as he heard DS2. I sat down and told him that was not a nice thing to say and that next time he could just tell me "I don't want to see X right now" or "I want to be alone with mommy/daddy right now." He said ok, I want to be alone with mommy right now. It worked great! He was immediately at peace and started playing with his brother shortly after that.

Thank you wise mamas!

hillview
05-03-2010, 12:31 PM
Nice job mama!!
/hillary

elektra
05-03-2010, 12:58 PM
Nice!
DD now says, "I'm not very happy with you right now!" or "I'm frustrated!" instead of "I don't like you!"
It kind of makes me laugh to tell the truth, although I am proud of her for voicing her feelings in the terminology I have given her.

And then sometimes she will catch herself and say, "I don't like....... people!" because she knows that she's not supposed to say that she dislikes a specific person if it's really just that she is frustrated.
I really crack up when she says that.
I think that giving kids the tools to recognize what their true feelings are is so important. I never even realized this for myself until I was an adult and had dropped $ on therapy! ;)

arivecchi
05-03-2010, 03:08 PM
Thanks ladies. I could not believe he called DS2 disgusting. He likes to use that word a little too much so we have to work on that. Everything is disgusting nowadays!