just curious...wwyd in this situation - update in post 51

[brgnmom]

A mommy friend who is two weeks further along than I am (in terms of pregnancy) asked me for a favor. She doesn't have a costco membership but requested that I go to costco and pick up bounty paper towels in bulk along with some other items. I live near costco so I don't mind, but I'm trying to take it easy in terms of lifting and running errands in crowded places right now.

I asked her if she can ask her other friend who isn't pregnant and lives right near her for help, because that person has a membership as well. She seemed reluctant to do this and said it would be for the "worst case scenario".

I told her I would try to help her out this Tuesday, but frankly, I've been limiting my visits to costco b/c my family and I are moving cross-country this June and we don't need anything in bulk personally. I'm curious what you would do if you were in my situation. Thank you.

[BabyH]

If you really don't want to do it - just don't do it!

But maybe she could go with you on the trip for the bulk items?

[arivecchi]

I'd be flabbergasted if anyone asked me for such a favor, especially while pregnant.

[lil_acorn]

Can you just lend her your card and have her do it herself? I am borrowed my friend's card before & vice versa.

[codex57]

How far along are you and how far away is Costco?

At this point tho, I'd just go make a trip for the paper towels since you promised already. We swap favors with friends all the time. And it's not necessarily who lives closer, but who we're closer to and is willing to help out. Cuz if they're a friend, this isn't something that's a huge deal (one item that should last a while).

I'd just do it this one time and then say that you're moving in June so you don't know when you'll next hit Costco, if ever.

[deborah_r]

The simple solution is that she needs to get her own Costco membership. I know you can't tell her that, but that's just how I see it. I would be too embarrassed to ask someone to do that for me. She should get a membership, or go to Walmart/Target/wherever to get what she needs.

[crl]

If she were a person who had helped me out a lot over time, I'd be more likely to do her this favor. Otherwise, I'd say no, with the explanation that I'm trying to avoid places like Costco at this point because of the crowds and heavy lifting involved. Is that something she could order from the Costco website using your membership? Or what about Amazon subscribe and save? If you can think of another option for her, you might mention it.

Catherine

[♥ms.pacman♥]

if it were me, i was just say sorry that i won't have time to do it, and hopefully she can ask this other person to do it instead. i wouldn't feel bad about it. it sounds like you have a lot going on (big move, etc) and this other friend does not. is there are a reason why she is asking you to buy groceries for her?

i agree with arivecchi, i'd be flabbergasted if someone asked me to pick up a bunch of stuff for them at Costco while preggo and about to move across the country, just because they're too cheap to buy a membership!

i seem to recall a thread from a few months back about a preggo friend insisting on your Arm's Reach Cosleeper and other baby items..is this the same person?? if so, IMO it sounds like she has a lot of nerve asking you for all these favors esp since she knows u will need to have your stuff for your own baby too

[brgnmom]

If you really don't want to do it - just don't do it!

But maybe she could go with you on the trip for the bulk items?

that's what I was thinking, but she seemed reluctant to... and she doesn't have a car all the time. My DH and I share our car. I offered to drive us while our kids are in preschool, but then realized costco doesn't open until 45 minutes before we have to pick up our kids.

[brgnmom]

Can you just lend her your card and have her do it herself? I am borrowed my friend's card before & vice versa.

yes, I offered her my card, but she'd rather not risk being accused for ID theft.

[brgnmom]

How far along are you and how far away is Costco?

At this point tho, I'd just go make a trip for the paper towels since you promised already. We swap favors with friends all the time. And it's not necessarily who lives closer, but who we're closer to and is willing to help out. Cuz if they're a friend, this isn't something that's a huge deal (one item that should last a while).

I'd just do it this one time and then say that you're moving in June so you don't know when you'll next hit Costco, if ever.

I'll be 12 weeks along next Monday, so not quite into the 2nd trimester yet. Costco is very close to me (5-10 mins), but her place is about 20 minutes in the other direction -- still not very far.

[khm]

Don't fret about it so much.

Just say no, I'm sorry, I can't.

[brgnmom]

if it were me, i was just say sorry that i won't have time to do it, and hopefully she can ask this other person to do it instead. i wouldn't feel bad about it. it sounds like you have a lot going on (big move, etc) and this other friend does not. is there are a reason why she is asking you to buy groceries for her?

i agree with arivecchi, i'd be flabbergasted if someone asked me to pick up a bunch of stuff for them at Costco while preggo and about to move across the country, just because they're too cheap to buy a membership!

i seem to recall a thread from a several months back about a preggo friend insisting on your Arm's Reach Cosleeper and other baby items..is this the same person?? if so, IMO it sounds like she has a lot of nerve asking for all these favors.

Yes, she is the same person. I helped her with her local move by lining her kitchen shelves + drawers -- had NO idea I was pregnant at the time, but it could explain why I was feeling sick. We were just over at her place yesterday since my DS gets along with her DD, and she asked me right before we left. I talked to her earlier today, asking whether her other non-pregnant friend still has her membership and she said yes, except she'd rather not ask that person unless absolutely needed.

[arivecchi]

I just think this is really bizarre. I would not ask anyone to purchase something for me unless they were going there anyway and asked whether I needed something. The fact that she expects you to make a special trip to shop for her baffles me. I'd maybe understand if she were sick/could not drive, etc.

In any event, if you want to do it, great. If you do not, I'd simply say: "Sorry, but I will not be able to make it to Costco" and leave it at that.

[codex57]

If you're only 12 weeks and it's that close, I'd just do it this one time but then say you prolly don't plan on going again cuz you're moving. Shoot, just make your DH do it if you don't feel like going.

[Ceepa]

I would probably do it if I were near Costco anyway for some reason.

[brgnmom]

I just think this is really bizarre. I would not ask anyone to purchase something for me unless they were going there anyway and asked whether I needed something. The fact that she expects you to make a special trip to shop for her baffles me. I'd maybe understand if she were sick/could not drive, etc.

In any event, if you want to do it, great. If you do not, I'd simply say: "Sorry, but I will not be able to make it to Costco" and leave it at that.

Yes, I was just there at costco on Saturday, which I was intending on being the last trip before the move since we don't need anymore things in bulk. We're at the point where we are getting at-home estimates for the cross-country move.

She doesn't have her own car, so about a month ago, she and her DH met me at Costco so they could pick up other items in bulk. They may be sharing their items with another family which is why they go through their items pretty quickly.

[niccig]

Tell her this pregnancy is kicking your a$$ and you're too tired to go on your own, so it would be best for her to find another way. Do not let her convince you to go with DH on a weekend. If YOU need to go, then fine, but not a special trip. I have friends that don't have Costco membershps and they ask me IF I'm going, can they join me or can I pick something up. I don't do a special trip as I hate the lines at Costco.

[brgnmom]

Tell her this pregnancy is kicking your a$$ and you're too tired to go on your own, so it would be best for her to find another way. Do not let her convince you to go with DH on a weekend. If YOU need to go, then fine, but not a special trip. I have friends that don't have Costco membershps and they ask me IF I'm going, can they join me or can I pick something up. I don't do a special trip as I hate the lines at Costco.

that is really thoughtful that they ask only if you need to go. :) I've never had anyone else except for this one mom ask me to make special trips-- I don't think I minded as much in the past, but right now, I'm pretty time-constrained. Plus, my DH has a licensing exam in May and doesn't have time to help with preparing for our big move, so it's all up to me until the end of May.

I don't like the lines at Costco either -- they are long even during the week and finding a parking space there can be a little stressful.

[smiles33]

I agree--use pregnancy nausea/exhaustion as an excuse and just tell her you don't have the energy to do it. She's probably reluctant to ask the other friend as she knows you're the nice one and the other friend might give her crap.

I'm GLAD you're moving across the country as I remember your other thread and this woman is just WAY too demanding!

[happymom]

I think its perfectly reasonable to say "Sorry, I normally would not mind making the special trip to Costco for you but I'm exhausted these days and really just don't feel up to it...." and let her ask one of her "last resort" friends to go for her. Its not fair for her to expect you to make that trip just so *she* can save a couple dollars....

That said, if I was going to be in the neighborhood, and was feeling decent, I would probably just stop in and get her the few things she needs. Assuming of course that none of them are heavy items- that would be really inconsiderate of her!

[elektra]

You are probably a very friendly person OP, and people feel welcome asking you for favors.
I might just say that I am not planning on going to Costco for at least another month (or whenever) so it's just not going to work out.

And a :yeahthat: to this:

I'd be flabbergasted if anyone asked me for such a favor, especially while pregnant.

I was talking with a friend about this, and we both agreed that we (she and I) must give off a vibe where someone wouldn't even think of asking us such a thing.
For example, she said no one ever approached her about touching her belly while pregnant and I told her that I would have never asked her. She is just too stoic and serious!
I am just not an overly friendly person IRL, although I do think I am very kind and loyal, if that makes any sense.

OP, be as nice to yourself as you are to other people. You deserve it!

[SnuggleBuggles]

I say don't do anything you don't want to. From what you have posted of this woman, I really wouldn't have a hard time at all rejecting her because she is way overstepping things. As an isolated incident I would do it but this is a pattern and I'd feel fed up.

But, I wouldn't use the not lifting thing excuse. If you are having a healthy pregnancy it would likely dismissed. I was going to weight lifting class all through pregnancy. :)

Beth

[brgnmom]

I agree--use pregnancy nausea/exhaustion as an excuse and just tell her you don't have the energy to do it. She's probably reluctant to ask the other friend as she knows you're the nice one and the other friend might give her crap.

I'm GLAD you're moving across the country as I remember your other thread and this woman is just WAY too demanding!

Thank you all for your advice. :) she is 9 years older than me and I personally have a hard time saying "no". I'm just hoping she doesn't move out to the west coast also.

[arivecchi]

I was talking with a friend about this, and we both agreed that we (she and I) must give off a vibe where someone wouldn't even think of asking us such a thing. We must all wear Beyotch Parfum. :rotflmao:

I agree that OP is way too nice!

[hillview]

If it were me I'd likely just do it. However given the drama and your feelings, I'd call her and simply say that you are sorry but you aren't able to get there after all.
/hillary

[brgnmom]

Hi Happymom, Elektra, and SnuggleBuggles,

I just read your posts-- I think I was writing my most recent post after you three already submitted yours. thank you for your advice!! :D I am a friendly person and do have a variety of friends (and in the past, it has gotten me in sticky situations unfortunately -- like a male friend showing up to my wedding uninvited & my DH was very upset). I also had my small pregnant belly touched already by another mom at the playground last week... thankfully, our kids took swimming classes together, otherwise I would've been weirded out, but still, I didn't quite expect it. :p

Thank you again for your responses. :heartbeat:

[brgnmom]

We must all wear Beyotch Parfum. :rotflmao:

I agree that OP is way too nice!

oooh I need some of that Beyotch Parfum.

[jjjo1112]

I'd go-no problem if she was a close friends. I always do favors for my friends and they help me out if I need anything. I have a BJ's membership and am frequently picking things up for friends but if I needed someone to help me out with something-I wouldn't have to look far. I guess it depends what type of friendship you guys have.

[JamiMac]

I would just tell her that you aren't going to Costco anymore before you move. That said, I would probably do it because I stink at telling people no. I would also NEVER ask someone to do such a favor though. I think that is so bizarre though. I could understand if it was something special or a great deal at Costco that you couldn't get elsewhere, but for PAPER TOWELS? That's just strange, imo.

[ett]

I just think this is really bizarre. I would not ask anyone to purchase something for me unless they were going there anyway and asked whether I needed something. The fact that she expects you to make a special trip to shop for her baffles me. I'd maybe understand if she were sick/could not drive, etc.

In any event, if you want to do it, great. If you do not, I'd simply say: "Sorry, but I will not be able to make it to Costco" and leave it at that.

:yeahthat: I wouldn't even ask my parents or sister (and we have a very close relationship) to make a special trip to get stuff for me.

[ewpmsw]

OP: As two preggos, we'd be making the trip together or not at all. And I'd remind her which methods of payment are/are not accepted at the store, esp. since you're moving away soon. I don't mind sharing memberships occasionally with folks, and have friends who share theirs with me once in a while. I'd never expect someone to make a big, bulk trip for me, though. (Except DH.) I MIGHT ask my folks to pick something up, IF they were already going anyway.

[brgnmom]

OP: As two preggos, we'd be making the trip together or not at all. And I'd remind her which methods of payment are/are not accepted at the store, esp. since you're moving away soon. I don't mind sharing memberships occasionally with folks, and have friends who share theirs with me once in a while. I'd never expect someone to make a big, bulk trip for me, though. (Except DH.) I MIGHT ask my folks to pick something up, IF they were already going anyway.

last month when I met her & her DH at Costco, they stopped accepting her AmEx card because she's not a member and she was using my membership. I think she was offended by that and how they only accept cash from non-members now, so as a result, she told me she'd rather not make the visit together.

Thank you everyone again for your feedback!

[boolady]

She seemed reluctant to do this and said it would be for the "worst case scenario".

I have apparently bathed in the beyotch perfume, because it is hysterical to me that someone thinks that the term "worst case scenario" could ever apply to paper towels. If someone said that to me, I'm afraid I would laugh in his/her face and tell her to (gasp!) go buy them retail at Target. Seriously. This woman needs to get a grip.

[brgnmom]

I have apparently bathed in the beyotch perfume, because it is hysterical to me that someone thinks that the term "worst case scenario" could ever apply to paper towels. If someone said that to me, I'm afraid I would laugh in his/her face and tell her to (gasp!) go buy them retail at Target. Seriously. This woman needs to get a grip.

lol, in retrospect the situation makes me laugh. I kind of felt bad for her because she told me she was on her last roll of paper towels and literally showed it to me yesterday. Not like it's a huge deal -- there are far more serious worst case scenarios. I don't think that Costco's prices on paper towels are even that great, and I remember how Target has a section with bulk items at decent prices.

[boolady]

lol, in retrospect the situation makes me laugh. I kind of felt bad for her because she told me she was on her last roll of paper towels and literally showed it to me yesterday. Not like it's a huge deal -- there are far more serious worst case scenarios. I don't think that Costco's prices on paper towels are even that great, and I remember how Target has a section with bulk items at decent prices.

I wasn't making fun of you at all, I hope you know. It just made me laugh that paper towel price is so important she'll put it in those terms. I'm all for being thrifty, but come on. She's buying Bounty.

[TwinFoxes]

I'm not sure what I'd do. I agree with arivecchi that it's a bizarre thing to ask of someone (it's not like paper towels are all that much cheaper at Costco!). But I like shopping, so it wouldn't bother me to go to Costco.

But whatever the case, I honestly wouldn't stress about it for a nano-second. I have no problem saying no to people. She probably doesn't want to ask her other friend because that friend will say no without hesitation.

[Sweetum]

To me, you are posting here about this means you really don't want to do it but are willing to be convinced. Because, if she were really close, then you wouldn't have thought much about saying "yes" and doing it, or, for that matter, even saying "no" because you know she would understand. Doesn't seem like it in this case. And given that you are pregnant and not even beyond the 1st trimester, I'd say skip it. It's a very delicate time in your pregnancy, and you owe it to yourself, your family and the new addition to take good care of yourself. Seems like your "friend" understands that and is doing that for her family, but isn't extending that thought to yours. It's paper towels, for P's sake! And it's costco, not something major. Does she even know you're pg?

As far as how to do it, well, if it were one my inconsiderate "friends", I wouldn't feel I even owe them an explanation (pg explains it all!), so, I might just say when they finally ask "oh, I couldn't, you know...". For some others, I'd be honest and just say "no" (maybe they don't know or realize that it's going to be tough on me). So, it entirely depends on what your real relationship to this person is. Think about it.

I like what someone else said about saying "you know, I can't since I'm pg and have other things going on. Another time, yes, but now, I just can't. sorry". That's clean and straigtforward.

[JTsMom]

She is really being a tad ridiculous. Can you imagine saying, "Hey, would you take an hour out of your busy day to use your gas and make a special trip to Costco for me so I can save $1.50? Thanks! I'd join myself, but I don't want to spend my money on a membership, so I'll just abuse yours." It would be one thing if you were going already and asked her if she wanted anything, but to act like she can't buy paper towels, which in themselves are NOT exactly a critical item to have, is a bit much.

[brgnmom]

And given that you are pregnant and not even beyond the 1st trimester, I'd say skip it. It's a very delicate time in your pregnancy, and you owe it to yourself, your family and the new addition to take good care of yourself. Seems like your "friend" understands that and is doing that for her family, but isn't extending that thought to yours. It's paper towels, for P's sake! And it's costco, not something major. Does she even know you're pg?

As far as how to do it, well, if it were one my inconsiderate "friends", I wouldn't feel I even owe them an explanation (pg explains it all!), so, I might just say when they finally ask "oh, I couldn't, you know...". For some others, I'd be honest and just say "no" (maybe they don't know or realize that it's going to be tough on me). So, it entirely depends on what your real relationship to this person is. Think about it.

I like what someone else said about saying "you know, I can't since I'm pg and have other things going on. Another time, yes, but now, I just can't. sorry". That's clean and straigtforward.

this is right on with how I'm feeling. I definitely feel like I'm still in that delicate phase and I have my 12-week ultrasound appt on Monday, so I'm slightly nervous -- especially since I have been doing a lot of planning for the move and I haven't been resting as much as my body probably needs. The mom asking me to take the Costco trip on my own is a few weeks ahead in her second trimester. I really think she's self-centered and do not consider her a real friend anymore. She emailed me implying how she "couldn't even function until a week ago", so she understands if I can't make the trip for her. :loveeyes: It's not that I can't function, but I'm definitely not going out of my way to get paper towels for someone who isn't even considerate to my being pregnant also. (She is the same mom who asked me to leave my baby gear -- like the arms reach co-sleeper -- for her second baby even though we are due a few weeks apart from each other).

[brgnmom]

She is really being a tad ridiculous. Can you imagine saying, "Hey, would you take an hour out of your busy day to use your gas and make a special trip to Costco for me so I can save $1.50? Thanks! I'd join myself, but I don't want to spend my money on a membership, so I'll just abuse yours." It would be one thing if you were going already and asked her if she wanted anything, but to act like she can't buy paper towels, which in themselves are NOT exactly a critical item to have, is a bit much.

yes, I know -- it really is abuse of the membership system, and actually my local Costco store changed the payment policy to make it more fair for us members, so that if accompanying non-members purchase items, they need to pay via cash only.

I do think it's ridiculous too -- I don't mind meeting up with her/her DH there, but they should at least be present at Costco for their own items.

[turtledove]

Tell her to go get them herself!

You can shop at Costco w/out a membership
http://thefrugalfind.com/you-can-shop-at-costco-without-a-membership/

[wellyes]

I think this is the silliest thing I've heard all day. I would offer to just give her the $5 she'd save. Seriously.

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

If you're only 12 weeks and it's that close, I'd just do it this one time but then say you prolly don't plan on going again cuz you're moving. Shoot, just make your DH do it if you don't feel like going.

:bighand:
Codex, you are the man! Make DH do it!

[SnuggleBuggles]

She really is a piece of work.

When my sister tags along to Costco (I'm happy to bring her a few times/ year), I pay and she hands me a check for her total when we get home. There is no reason it has to be complicated about paying at the check out. Your friend is just looking for excuses. If she was a good friend she'd want to go with you so you could spend some time together.

Honest to goodness though, they sell paper towels everywhere!!! And I agree, Costco prices on them aren't even good. They are the same as anywhere. It's her poor planning that she is almost out of them and not your fault at all. Don't let her make you feel bad for her lack of organization.

Beth

[mamicka]

I have apparently bathed in the beyotch perfume, because it is hysterical to me that someone thinks that the term "worst case scenario" could ever apply to paper towels. If someone said that to me, I'm afraid I would laugh in his/her face and tell her to (gasp!) go buy them retail at Target. Seriously. This woman needs to get a grip.

I lost track of all the responses that I'd :yeahthat: to.
If you want to go, go. I've done these kinds of favors for people & I don't mind them asking (although it's never been about bulk Bounty paper towels, LOL). If you don't want to go, don't. You don't need an excuse - just say you can't do it for her. End of story. Don't fret one more moment about this.

[KpbS]

Ok, before reading all the replies, I thought, just go to Costco and do the favor. BUT, after reading all of the replies and your responses I totally agree with the PP who say to tell this friend that you are unable to go to Costco--too busy with the move prep. Personally, I think I might just pick up a 2 pack of paper towels from the grocery store/Target (somewhere you are going) and hand them to her next time you see her (no special trip).

[newg]

Don't go.............she doesn't want to go with you because she doesn't want to fork out the cash for paper towels........so if you go and buy them on your dime, how is it any different for her to give you cash for the paper towels when you get home?? She probably wouldn't.......

You are pregnant, in your first trimester, just trying to get through the day and plan for a cross-country move......you don't have the time or the energy to go buy her $20 in paper towels.

[ohiomom]

She emailed me implying how she "couldn't even function until a week ago", so she understands if I can't make the trip for her.

She gave you an out -- TAKE IT!!! Or have DH do it.

Next she'll want you pre-buying Kirtland wipes and Huggies for her.

Really, she gave you an out. You don't even have to feel a bit of guilt.

[s7714]

Based on all the info. given, there's no way I'd go for her. Paper towels aren't that much cheaper there anyway!

[brgnmom]

She gave you an out -- TAKE IT!!! Or have DH do it.

Next she'll want you pre-buying Kirtland wipes and Huggies for her.

Really, she gave you an out. You don't even have to feel a bit of guilt.

you have a good point... I think she would actually ask me to get the Kirkland brand wipes and huggies for her before we move this June.

I just emailed her back and said that my family doesn't personally need anything else from Costco until after we move and suggested that she try Target with her DH over the weekend. I thanked her for remembering that I haven't yet entered my second trimester and I'm trying to take it easy b/c I still get morning sickness and I need to be well enough by next week to have our place ready for the at-home moving estimates/consultations. I feel better about my decision, since I'd rather not continue to enable or reinforce this person's behavior of relying on others primarily to get things done. She is capable but manipulative -- our kids didn't hang out at all during the spring break last week, but she invited us over last-minute the other day, when she asked about the Costco trip. I also learned how she managed to qualify for food stamps since she's pregnant with her second child and her DH is still a student and she's a SAHM. I support the concept of food stamps helping families with extremely low income, but I do feel uncomfortable with the idea of someone buying organic food at Whole Foods using food stamps from the government (I think there was a thread about this recently)... especially when she or her DH does not have a low-income background.

Sorry for my tangent towards the end. Thank you for being there.

[vejemom]

I upgraded us to an executive membership this year because we have five kids, and three of them have teenage appetites. So I might not be remembering correctly, but isn't a basic Costco membership like fifty bucks a year? If you had a $50K a year membership to Pebble Beach Golf Club, I could see them constantly hitting you up. But I'm not getting the angst over for what most is an inconsequential amount of money when spread out over a year. And they qualify for food stamps, yet have an American Express card? You have to pay off a certain portion of an American Express every month, unlike other cards. And the part about not wanting to borrow your Costco card and going themselves because she doesn't want to be accused of ID theft? Pure comedic gold. They sound like a low-rent version of Spencer and Heidi Pratt for the surrealness of it all.

She's doing this because she's a "special snowflake" and she's latched onto you because you're a kind person. i'm betting she doesn't want to ask her "last resort" person because they'll tell her where to go...

[brgnmom]

I upgraded us to an executive membership this year because we have five kids, and three of them have teenage appetites. So I might not be remembering correctly, but isn't a basic Costco membership like fifty bucks a year? If you had a $50K a year membership to Pebble Beach Golf Club, I could see them constantly hitting you up. But I'm not getting the angst over for what most is an inconsequential amount of money when spread out over a year. And they qualify for food stamps, yet have an American Express card? You have to pay off a certain portion of an American Express every month, unlike other cards. And the part about not wanting to borrow your Costco card and going themselves because she doesn't want to be accused of ID theft? Pure comedic gold. They sound like a low-rent version of Spencer and Heidi Pratt for the surrealness of it all.

She's doing this because she's a "special snowflake" and she's latched onto you because you're a kind person. i'm betting she doesn't want to ask her "last resort" person because they'll tell her where to go...

yes, I have a basic costco membership that is only $50 per year. I've let this person accompany me so frequently in the past year that the Coscto salesperson pulled me aside and asked me if I'd want to upgrade to the exec membership since we spent double what we usually spend. I didn't do the upgrade though. I don't even have an American express card, and this person told me she wanted to stop going to Costco in person b/c they wouldn't accept her card any longer... It would make more sense if she just got the membership herself, since it's only $50 for the entire year, and they now get ten times that amount in food stamps per month. I'm appalled b/c she worked in finances before becoming a SAHM and think that she's taking advantage of the system.