s/o - Do people frequently ask you for favors?

[JoyNChrist]

I was just reading brgnmom's thread about her friend asking her to go to Costco to pick up some items for her, and it got me thinking...

Are you the kind of person who seems to get asked for favors a lot? Or do friends/relatives rarely ask you to do stuff for them? And why do you think it is the way it is (your personality, they know you're too busy, you have no ability to say no, etc)?

As for me, I'm constantly getting asked for favors (usually either taking pictures of someone's kids, since I'm into photography, or editing/writing papers for friends/family who are in college, since I'm pretty good at that sort of thing). And other stuff like baby-sitting, running errands, etc. I don't know why that is because I don't tend to ask for a lot of favors in return (so it's not like a reciprocal thing). Maybe I'm just too nice? I do have a hard time saying no, but I'm trying to get better at it since I know my time will be at a premium once the babies get here.

[happymom]

Yes to some extent. We were married for 6 years before DD came along. Many of my friends/family had kids already, and I think just assumed that I had more time for things than they did- which was true to a large extent. However, I never really felt abused or taken advantage of. In most cases I was happy to be able to help.

[brgnmom]

I was just reading brgnmom's thread about her friend asking her to go to Costco to pick up some items for her, and it got me thinking...

Are you the kind of person who seems to get asked for favors a lot? Or do friends/relatives rarely ask you to do stuff for them? And why do you think it is the way it is (your personality, they know you're too busy, you have no ability to say no, etc)?

As for me, I'm constantly getting asked for favors (usually either taking pictures of someone's kids, since I'm into photography, or editing/writing papers for friends/family who are in college, since I'm pretty good at that sort of thing). And other stuff like baby-sitting, running errands, etc. I don't know why that is because I don't tend to ask for a lot of favors in return (so it's not like a reciprocal thing). Maybe I'm just too nice? I do have a hard time saying no, but I'm trying to get better at it since I know my time will be at a premium once the babies get here.

lol, I'm interested in hearing the responses to your thread. ;) I'm definitely someone who gets asked for favors quite often... actually just this week, I was asked to switch my parent helping days from two different moms. I only have one day left for the school year, so I couldn't really make the switches.

The funny thing is that I personally feel uncomfortable asking others for help. I can ask my DH and my sister, but aside from them, I am reluctant to ask anyone else for favors. I actually don't even have a mother's helper or babysitter, and we have no relatives nearby (well that will be changing soon, since fortunately our relatives all live in CA and we are moving there).

I have a difficult time saying no and according to my friends, I'm an easygoing person. I used to be type-A (I think) in terms of doing well in classes during college, but I think I really lightened up during grad school and after getting married.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Yes to some extent. We were married for 6 years before DD came along. Many of my friends/family had kids already, and I think just assumed that I had more time for things than they did- which was true to a large extent. However, I never really felt abused or taken advantage of. In most cases I was happy to be able to help.

this is somewhat true for me too..i had kids later than most, and i was always willing to help out since i knew i had more time to spare. i've never had friends overstep their bounds like i read about in some of these threads though. i think most of our friends are like me & DH..we would never dream of asking someone to do a big favor unless we knew it wouldn't be an inconvenience for them and/or it was some sort of emergency situation. definitely not just to save a few cents on groceries or anything like that. now that i have a kid myself i know how hard it is to have time to do my OWN grocery shopping, i can't imagine delegating this task to another mom (a friend no less).

my mom has some friends that ask her strange favors all the time, since she is the kind of person that is VERY friendly and she very easily feels sorry for people so she just agrees. she gets taken advantage of a lot unfortunately.

[Laurel]

Yes, I am constantly asked to watch other's peoples kids or help with school pick-up etc. I say yes because I am all about the "village" mentality and like to have people who owe me when I need help with my kids...however, I sometimes dread it because I don't enjoy other people's kids very much :bag

[ewpmsw]

When I was in my 20's, single and childless, people from work asked me to help out with things like moving, house- and pet-sitting quite often. The idea seemed to be, "Since you're not doing anything anyway...", which really wasn't the case - I was in school and working full time. After seeing that it was a very one-way street, I became unavailable. The final straw was when a coworker promised me $100 to housesit and mow her yard (I was a doormat, yes) and then never paid me. No mention of it after she returned from her trip. She had the nerve to ask me to housesit many times afterward, so I don't think the lack of payment was over something I'd done wrong.

More recently, we exchange favors with our friends, like pet-sitting and helping out with errands or kids from time to time. Some people are incredibly tit-for-tat, others jump in and offer and don't want any payback.

It's a lot easier to say no to things now that DC is here.

[SnuggleBuggles]

No, I must wear the same Beyotch perfume as others.

There was a spell when one friend was asking for a lot of favors and I was happy to do it. She needed childcare while she and dh were in therapy for their marriage.

Beth

[crl]

No, not really. I sometimes "trade" helping out with kids. But I don't feel taken advantage of and it has always turned out to be roughly even in the long run. I don't have any trouble saying no though so maybe that's why.

Catherine

[arivecchi]

Not really. Not my neighbors (who I do not know well). Not my good friends (none of whom live nearby). Not my relatives (none of whom live nearby). Maybe that is why I was so shocked by the other thread. I would have no problem saying no though.

[codex57]

It's fairly quid pro quo from what I can tell. Those who ask for favors often get asked a similar amount of favors. If both parties have no problems with it, it works. Right now, we'll do the isolated favor for a bunch of different friends (like picking up something from Costco), but we have one set of friends where we ask the more "going out of your way" type stuff (like the DH helped us plant a bunch of trees, doing most of the work a few weeks ago and tomorrow morning, I'm driving them to the airport, and likely picking them up too).

[brgnmom]

I should add that the mommy friend who asked about the Costco favor has hosted playdates for our kids, since my place is in the gradual process of being packed up. I bring snacks for the kids since she offers her place for the kids to play and I help out with cleaning up the toys afterwards, since it seems fair.

She offered to recently help with babysitting my DS (while I do some light packing) which was sweet, but I haven't accepted her offer. Her house does have a staircase that isn't childproofed and I'd feel a little uneasy leaving my DS there, since he can get pretty energetic and likes to climb stairs.

[fivi2]

Nope. My sister and I trade out favors, but I think it is mostly even. (we live in the same town). We have helped out an elderly neighbor a bit lately, but I don't think of that as a favor.

Sometimes people will ask for a favor related to my former occupation (I was a lawyer). I always say no for several reasons. I sometimes feel a little bad about it, but not really.

[boolady]

I am sometimes asked to do favors for some very close friends (and my mom) who I don't mind doing anything for because I know they'd return the favor in a heartbeat. I don't even consider that doing a favor, though, I think it's just part of helping out the people you care about.

[pinkmomagain]

I normally don't get asked too many favors but I also don't ask for favors very much. It actually pains me to ask for favors. But recently, some mommy friends (from dd3's group) have asked me for some and I've happily obliged and then felt comfortable asking them. Mostly for carpooling or watching dd for an hour during a school meeting. I'm slow, but finally, after 11 years of being a SAHM I'm getting the whole "moms helping moms out" thing. Just shows how truly introverted I am, I guess.

[TwinFoxes]

I wear beyotch perfume, and use the bubble bath apparently. I rarely get asked for favors.

Honestly though, I think I have some pretty self-sufficient friends. I don't mind doing favors, but I honestly can't think of any that I've been asked to do lately (anything along the lines of will you go to Costco for me!) I'm more apt to do things on my own, like I sent a good friend a new copy of BBB when I found out she was pregnant.

[niccig]

It's fairly quid pro quo from what I can tell.

This is us. We do help out, and get help when we need it. I've had a couple of mother friends who were asking for me to help as I only had one DC, and I think they thought it was easier for me to have their eldest too. I didn't mind, but they were never helping me with DS when I needed it. And I think it was because they already had 2 kids and didn't want a 3rd. Once all our kids went to preschool, the favours stopped as we all had some time to schedule things without the kids.

I normally help out during the week. DH isn't a fan of babysitting other kids when he's home because he gets limited time with DS as it is, and wants father-son bonding time.

[kijip]

We help a lot and also get a lot of help. I don't think of it as dead even exchange so much as "you have to be a friend to have a friend". I'm a friend and a damn good one. People know I will go the extra mile in tangible and intangible ways. I am not anxiously waiting for returned favors after doing something for someone but I am ok asking people for help as needed and don't often feel used or put upon. I had 1 friend who was very very demanding and it was a give give give thing and I ended that friendship because it was emotionally draining. I didn't mind helping her, but when someone needs help for everything and is emotionally needy it can get a little toxic.

My Costco tale: When I am there, I call 1 friend and my brother and his partner and see if they need anything. They do the same for me. When my friends I do that for were out of work, I quietly dropped off the items and "forgot" to mention the total/get a repayment. While it's not our situation, I know that now that he is back to well paying work they would do the same if we were in dire straits. Those things I like from Costco more often than I like to go to Costco or the thing I forgot show up on my doorstep when they go. I like that. I am not dialing my phonebook from Costco but for my very closest friends, it makes sense. And it saves gas.

[mommylamb]

Honestly, for the people I'm close to, I have no problem doing favors, and in some instances, I wish they would ask me to help out more often. I know there are people that I've had to ask things of in the past, and it would make me feel less bad about doing so if I also knew that I was helping them out more on occasions.

[SpaceGal]

DH tells me that I'm too nice and that after a while some people take advantage of me.

One of my friends, recently has asked a lot and I've found that I'm beginning to be annoyed. She runs day care in her home and has often asked me to cover for her so she can attend school meetings with teachers and what not. Of course, I don't mind helping out, but mind you I have three kids and have to bring all three to go watch her day care kids which leaves me with anywhere from 5-10 kids. Then to top it off she always has to borrow my car so she can attend these meetings. In the meantime, she has a car sitting oh her driveway that she never uses and because they don't do anything with it...it's pretty much not functioning...of course it's a long story.

I guess I get annoyed because I don't ask her for favors as much as she does, and she has a lot of family available to her in the area...but I'm the one that lives around the corner. DH feels that at this point they are sorta too lazy to ask their own family and just ask me cuz it's easier. I dunno what to think but I am annoyed a bit just because a I don't like lending my car but have a hard time saying no. The few times she's asked to borrow my car it's like just as she's ready to leave and quickly asks if she can use my car because her car on the driveway isn't going to go. Then to top it off, I know if anything were to happen to her or the car they would be at no capacity to pay for any damages.

My other friends have never asked too much of me...so I think for the most part my other friends are courteous and only ask if it's appropriate. Ugh I hate being mean or what not...oh well...I'm easy I guess.

[TwinFoxes]

DH tells me that I'm too nice and that after a while some people take advantage of me.

One of my friends, recently has asked a lot and I've found that I'm beginning to be annoyed. She runs day care in her home and has often asked me to cover for her so she can attend school meetings with teachers and what not. Of course, I don't mind helping out, but mind you I have three kids and have to bring all three to go watch her day care kids which leaves me with anywhere from 5-10 kids.

This goes beyond doing a favor to setting yourself up to be legally liable for something. What if one of the kids gets hurt on your watch and the parents sue you? I'm all for favors, but you're putting your own fiscal well being into danger.

[elektra]

I really don't think many people ask me for favors! For sure noone has asked me to go to Costco on my own and buy them anything because they don't have a membership.
I have been thinking as to why this might be. Am I just a beyotch? Unapproachable? etc.?
I think part of it is that I don't ask for favors from many people. I also don't have a ton of in-person, adult interaction on a regular basis. My two best girlfriends are also very busy, don't have kids, and are just pretty self-sufficient overall. I also don't get to see them all that much in person anymore.
I do feel like I do nice things for people (mostly family as that is who I spend the most time with) and they do nice things for me too. It's just not asked for.
For instance, I bought my SIL a Radian for DN for her birthday (MIL did pitch in some too). I did have the ulterior motive of hopefully having DN RF longer I admit. I think that was pretty nice!
And then a week later, SIL left balloons at our house for DD's birthday.
So I do think I am a nice person and am willing to do nice things for people. But I also maybe seem frazzled, busy and not having tons of free time to loan out.
And again I am kind and thoughtful, just not overly "nice".

My dad does ask me for favors on occasion but they are so minor, and he helps me out so much that I don't mind at all. And even he would not ask me to go out of my way to do anything. He usually only asks for something if I offer first actually.

[MontrealMum]

When I was younger, in my teens and 20s, I used to get asked all sorts of odd favors, and treated pretty poorly if I even tried to say no. I thought I was being "nice" but it really ended up that often people seemed to interpret that as giving off a doormat vibe.

I've worked alot in my 30s about setting my own boundaries. Not that I'm a b*^%&, sure I'll help people out, but I'm not going to greatly inconvenience myself and my family to do so, and I'm not going to feel guilty for saying no. There are also people that I'm much more likely to go out of my way for, vs. people that are just plain users, and I don't have time for that. Mostly, though, I've distanced myself from user "friends" so that's not a problem anymore. You know, the type that just take and takes and takes? Not that I need tit for tat, but come on, if you're only my friend because of what I can do for you, you're not really my friend, KWIM? My wants and needs are just as important as someone elses - and I've had to learn that that's OK to say to myself.

The favors I get asked to do now are what I'd consider "appropriate" favors, and I have no problem with doing them. Very rarely do people cross that invisible line anymore of inappropriate. Guess I'm giving off strong woman vibes now!

Gosh, I do sound like a beyotch reading that...really, I'm not :D

[SpaceGal]

This goes beyond doing a favor to setting yourself up to be legally liable for something. What if one of the kids gets hurt on your watch and the parents sue you? I'm all for favors, but you're putting your own fiscal well being into danger.

Yeah I know. I've even mentioned this too her but since two are her own kids and the other two are her niece and nephew she assures me that she's checked with her children's parents and what not and assures me they are ok with me covering for a few hours.

[bubbaray]

I too am almost never asked for favors. While I definitely come off as a b!tch to most people, I'm actually really nice to my good friends. I don't ask for favors hardly ever, plus I have an insanely stressful job and my good friends know that I'm pretty much always at the end of my rope.

But, I would be completely stumped if someone asked me to take them to Costco. That has never, ever happened to me. I would just find that really odd. And, if I had been asked while PG? I seriously would have bitten the person's head off -- I am high risk while PG and super sick the whole time. Definitely NOT the time to ask a favor of me. LOL.

[brgnmom]

I too am almost never asked for favors. While I definitely come off as a b!tch to most people, I'm actually really nice to my good friends. I don't ask for favors hardly ever, plus I have an insanely stressful job and my good friends know that I'm pretty much always at the end of my rope.

But, I would be completely stumped if someone asked me to take them to Costco. That has never, ever happened to me. I would just find that really odd. And, if I had been asked while PG? I seriously would have bitten the person's head off -- I am high risk while PG and super sick the whole time. Definitely NOT the time to ask a favor of me. LOL.

Hi Melissa,

lol, I'm glad that my feelings aren't too off from how you'd have reacted. I've been a lot more sick the second time around (PG) and think I'm high risk in terms of the stressors right now (moving cross-country this June and my DH hasn't helped out at all with moving preparations b/c he is preparing for a licensing exam in May). I feel better saying "no" to the Costco request now.

[jjjo1112]

I get asked to do favors on a regular basis. Usally they are not a big deal-like you're going food shopping, can you pick up xyz while you are there or picking up something at BJ's or Target. Sometimes it involves childcare but that is pretty rare-I think most people know that I have enough with my own kids. But for me it's the opposite-if I'm asking for a favor it's usually childcare-I am always picking up my own stuff. The favors I do are only for close friends/family-it would be someone I spoke with that day and they know where I am planning on going. Most of the time-I will drop one of my kid's off at their house and then go do the pick-up so it works out pretty well. They don't have to go out and I have one less kid for shopping :)

[sste]

Almost never with respect to friends - - in fact, I think never. It is kind of sad actually. It is just not part of the "culture" of my demographic. Where we live now almost all of our friends are comparatively affluent, two working parents, everyone is 110% overscheduled, and there is the underlying knowledge that the other couple can well afford to hire a babysitter, grocery delivery, visiting nurse, whatever it may be. I offer to do favors sometimes and people will always turn me down I think because they are petrified I will ask for a return favor and it is just beyond what they can manage to have that looming.

[arivecchi]

Almost never with respect to friends - - in fact, I think never. It is kind of sad actually. It is just not part of the "culture" of my demographic. I agree neighbor! It is just not something people do around here. Everyone is very self-sufficient and people just hire a sitter/nanny if they need help with child-care. In terms of shopping, we can have pretty much anything delivered to our homes, so that is not a reason to impose on anyone either.

[brittone2]

Not that often w/ friends. We reciprocate a LOT w/ my parents. If they are running to TJs, WFs, the co-op, Costco etc. they will often call and ask if I need anything. So nice. We do the same. It is such a help. But I really don't ask friends and my friends usually don't ask me.

[Corie]

Very rarely do I get asked for favors.

But I also very rarely ask for favors.


Now, my good friends know that I would do anything for them
and I don't consider it "doing them a favor" when they need something.
That's just what I/they do for your good friends.

[Dcclerk]

It totally depends for me. I don't think that anyone would ever consider asking me to take them to Costco. Although it may be because they know I go once a week, so they can just ask for it at that time. :P I've had plenty of people ask me to grab them something while I am at any random store, and I am happy to oblige. I have a couple of friends who I regularly call to grab one of my kids and they do the same. I also have a couple who ask to drop their kids off when they have an appointment or whatever. And I have a friend who borrows our car relatively often.

Still, as I think about it, almost all of the requests that I get are of the "while you are there" variety. I don't think that anyone would consider putting me out too much. They pretty much know that while I am happy to help, there aren't many who have as crazy a schedule as I do (4 kids and I work part time), so they wouldn't have me go out of my way. And, to be honest, I would probably just politely decline and think nothing of it... so they are right with their assumption!

I sometimes do wonder if I give off the Beyotch perfume. It isn't so much with respect to favors, but I have never experienced a mommy drive-by, and given that I do have 4 kids, it isn't because there wouldn't have been ample opportunity for someone to comment!