How do you bring up tricky subjects/ ask favors of your parents?

[ourbabygirl]

There are some things I'd like to talk to my mom about/ request of her, but I'm not sure how to do it politely without putting her on the spot and making us both feel uncomfortable. These are the things I'd like to talk to her about; any advice on how I can bring it up eloquently?

1. Talking on her cell phone while driving. I know that she does it ALL.THE.TIME because she's so busy and in her car a lot. But I know that she could cause an accident, injuring or killing herself and others, including my daughter if she's riding in the car with her.

2. Making sure she has DD securely fastened in her car seat. She also occasionally baby-sits my nephews and niece, and my SILs are fine w/them riding FF, but I'd rather have DD RF for at least another 6 months or so (til she's at least 2). She's very loosey-goosey about the seat, making sure the harness is on tightly enough, etc.

3. Other little annoyances- when baby-sitting DD, DD gets *really* dirty- her clothes & socks are usually filthy when we pick her up. She claims that kids her age won't keep their bibs on, but seriously, I don't know how DD can get *that* dirty unless she has no supervision. Also, my mom often has expired foods in her fridge (long-expired yogurt, milk, juice, stale bread), and she doesn't seem to think it's a big deal, but I do NOT want her giving that stuff to DD. But I can't catch it unless I'm there to see it myself.

4. I *really* wish that she & my dad would recycle... I don't know why they don't or why their city doesn't make it mandatory. I can't take their recyclable stuff home with me to recycle it (it's an hour away & I don't go there that often), and I don't know how to impress upon them how important it is to recycle!

Anyhow, sorry for the ranting novel, but thanks for sticking w/me! I just don't know how to approach these topics w/o it seeming like I'm attacking her.

Thanks for your advice... :bowdown:

ETA: It sounds like my mom is old & senile; really she's not, she's only 61... it's just that she's super busy at all times (either working, in a meeting, or in the middle of _something_) and I just don't think she sees the value of stopping to slow down and just relax & forget about multi-tasking. I guess she doesn't see the importance of these things, but I consider these things major safety issues, and I worry about what else she might be letting 'slip' when watching DD. I really want to be able to trust her with my kids!

[hillview]

Ok so first I'd prioritize. 1&2 sound like maybe things to address first. Regarding #1 I'd feel comfortable having a rule in place (as long as I followed it) that no one can drive DC while on the phone. Regardibng #2 when you can set aside time to talk without stress, I'd go through how important it is (tight harness etc) and show her the videos on the youtube of rear facing vs FF.

Ok regarding #3 I might just let it go. I'd drop off food for DC or remind her to empty more often but really being dirty IMO in the grand scheme of things is not a big deal. With DH he can be more lax than I am and my therapist said I needed to let go :)

#4 is my parents and I think it is up to them. They are mature adults and it is their decision. When DD gets older she can nag them :)

HTH
/hillary

[MolieMuts]

From day 1 my mom has seen how picky I am about the car seat and always asks me to install it before I go. She doesn't drive the kids very often though. I am the same way with DH and he always has me double check the installation also.

She doesn't use the cell phone much, so that is not an issue.

My mom likes the kids to get dirty when she has them...I think to her that means they really played hard and had fun. She keeps extra clothes at her house for them to play in and I have learned to not put them in anything special when they visit.

My mom and dad have always recycled, so no comment there.

I think parents' big defense is that they raised kids of their own the very same way and we all turned out OK. I have always been very uptight about most things when it comes to my kids and I think that caused a bit of a backlash. I have loosened up since having DS2. Also, I can pretty much tell my mom anything and it won't offend her. I just bring it up as it comes along, not all at once.

[wellyes]

The only thing you really have the authority to issue judgement on is what happens when they have your DD. So I'd be super firm about proper car seat use and no cell phone while DD is in the car.

I think the key is to not be accusatory, just say "I noticed that DD's car seat wasn't very tight in the harness last time" and also bring up the cell phone use *while DD is in the car*. Be a nag, be a b*tch about it, she'll notice especially if you're usually not like that.

I am totally with you on cell phone use being terribly dangerous in all contexts. But you really do have the right to dictate terms about how she cares for your kid, so that is what I would focus on. Be sure to include, in that same conversation, a few words about how happy you are to have her in DD's life and how much that relationship means to you. I don't mean threaten to take it away if she doesn't comply, I mean temper your very serious and legitimate concerns with positive comments as well.

As for dirty..... I take it your concern isn't the cleanliness but that there is improper levels of supervision. Depending on the child's age that would make me extremely nervous and I'd probably no allow unattended visits until I was more comfortable.

If it's just about getting dirty and messy, well, that's no biggie, that means grandma's is FUN!

Expired dairy products lead to tummy aches, not a huge deal, so I'd probably just do a surreptitious fridge check when I dropped off the kid and if it looked ok, leave it.

Recycling - don't even go there - that is a lifestyle choice that you can't badger someone into.

Anyway that's my take since you asked :)

[ourbabygirl]

AWESOME!
Thanks, Everyone! Can you tell I hate confrontation? ;)
I really appreciate all the suggestions and will do my best to grow a backbone and bring this stuff up with her...;)

[niccig]

Your DD is a little young, but as she gets older you can teach her how tight the harness is to be. I did this before MIL had DS for a few days. She did comment that he knows his carseat rules - she knows I'm anal about it, so I'm sure she did the harness and DS told her it wasn't tight enough. He was about 3.5 yo.

I would deal with the things that affect DD's safety. Dont' bring them up all at once, as she'll feel ganged up on and go on the defensive. Be prepared for her to say "you turned out fine, it's not a big deal.". Practice an answer like, "Mum, I AM DD's parent, and I am asking you to make sure the harness is tight. It's for her safety. And I ask that you respect my parenting decisions.".