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View Full Version : WWYD: Correcting neighbor's kids



lalasmama
05-02-2010, 08:36 PM
We have recently started getting nice weather, so the neighbor kids are out more often. I usually refer to them as "the hoodlums" because they are out at all hours of the day and night, and their parents aren't directly supervising them. They are 7, 5, and 3. There's an occasional immature 8yo as well. My DD is 6yo.

I will openly admit that I'm pretty vigilant of what La is around. I monitor her TV/movie viewing, we don't allow certain toys, etc. That being said.... I'm not sure what I should/can/can't correct/mention to a child when they are in our yard playing.

Recent examples:

La takes her Littlest Pet Shop out to play on our front stoop area, and the 7 & 8 yo boy and 5 yo girl come to play with her. The boys start talking about bathroom things within 2 minutes. I know this is completely common for kids that age, however, we don't allow that talk at our house. I pop my head out the door and say "We don't talk about bathroom things here, thanks." The boys said "K". 2 minutes later, it started again. I popped my head out again, and said "If I hear anything more about bathrooms or going potty, you boys will not be allowed to play here with our toys." They nodded. I gave La her 5 minute warning for clean-up. They all played nicely for the next 5 minutes.

I got home yesterday to find my stoop, and the surrounding sidwalks, covered in water. Every few minutes, I would hear the (shared) outdoor water faucet go on and off. After hearing it twice, and seeing that the adults weren't out there, I popped my head out and asked 7yo if he was supposed to be playing with the water. He turned away from me, turned the water off, and walked away. A few minutes later, on it goes again. By this time, the neighbor's front "garden" (just dirt so far) is complete mud, and the shared yard is getting soggy too. I pop my head out, and point out that the neighbor may not want mud for a garden. "But I like to play in the water!" the 7yo says. I tell him he needs to turn it off. He does that "UGH" eye roll and sigh, but does shut it off. 5 minutes later, its on again, and dad drives into the parking lot. BUSTED! I let the dad know that we had been going rounds on this for over half an hour. Dad thanks me for telling him, and kid isn't outside for the rest of the day.... until 8am this morning, which is apparently okay time to play basketball. UGH!

I don't want to be "that neighbor" that b*tches about kids being kids, but I also want to enjoy where La and I live, and not have to monitor every interaction she has with these kids. And, the kids are the grandkids to the (very nice, very stern) landlord (who compliments me on La's behavior). We have 2 4-plexes facing each other, with 3 families with kids.

So, when do you say something to the neighbor kids, or their parents?

TwinFoxes
05-02-2010, 09:09 PM
I don't have much experience with this age. When you say bathroom talk, what is that?

The water thing would bug me, and I would have said knock it off or I'd tell his Grandma, not asked if he was supposed to be playing with the water, or said his neighbor might not want mud.

The basketball thing, is kids being kids. If you live in a communal housing situation, some kids are going to play at 8am.

lalasmama
05-02-2010, 09:14 PM
I'm not concerned about the basketball at 8am. Its better than him playing in their car and setting the alarm off :)

ETA: Bathroom talk--talking about pooping, peeing, making a mess on the toilet, being naked, private body parts, etc. In this specific case, it started as "Ha ha, I'm naked!" and continued to "I'm going to poop all over the [make believe] bathroom!"

hillview
05-02-2010, 09:20 PM
I think you handled it well and like I would. Sorry this is falling to you -- it isn't your responsibility. In retrospect, I am thinking the water thing is something someone else has to deal with. If this is your average Saturday you can't (and don't want to be) the person who manages the hood.

Good luck!
/hillary

TwinFoxes
05-02-2010, 09:24 PM
ETA: Bathroom talk--talking about pooping, peeing, making a mess on the toilet, being naked, private body parts, etc. In this specific case, it started as "Ha ha, I'm naked!" and continued to "I'm going to poop all over the [make believe] bathroom!"

Ick. I think telling them that's not acceptable and they wouldn't be welcome if they kept it up is totally fine.

I totally get not wanting to deal with kids who have different levels of appropriate behavior.

newg
05-02-2010, 09:54 PM
I think what you did is fine...........DH and I are already "teaching" the kids around us that when they play with DD and her toys it's "our house, our rules". She is two and the rest of the bunch are older than her and like you, I don't want her picking up mannerisms (sp?) and language that the older kids spit out......
Be firm with them and they'll figure out real quick they can't mess with you, or your kid.
As with the common stuff, I'd tell Grandma and let her handle it!!

Nooknookmom
05-02-2010, 10:32 PM
Call me what you like but they would not be playing at my house. I don't think there's a rule that just b/c you live by them, you automatically have to let them play w/ your kid. Espeicially since you censor the things that your DD is around, KWIM?

There were many instances that I did not let DD1 play with other neighbors kids, the one's that stand out remind me of your neighbors. My set of hooligans came from a house where the dad yelled at the kids so loudly *I* was scared, the daughter (5) would lock another neighbor girl in the closet and not let her out until she "undressed", yeah stuff I wanted my DD around!!!

I would have a rule (well detailed with the caretakers) that the kids were not supposed to be on my property without permission (esp. for liability issues!!!).

Ugh, sorry your having to parent for these poor kiddo's sounds like they need some help.

KBecks
05-02-2010, 11:54 PM
It sounded like you handled the potty talk effectively.

I think for the water, it would be good to let a parent know right away that it's affecting you so they can make it stop. I am assuming mom was home.

Basketball early AM happens.

I would not let my child play unsupervised with these kids, but playing outside together on your turf with you being observant sounds like a decent plan. On your schedule and terms, obviously. The idea of not having to monitor the kids is a nice thought, but it's not practical when the neighbor kids have different rules and standards, and when there's a track record of behaviors you are not comfortable with.

I am loose with my kids and I let them do a lot of things other people would not choose to do (as in, playing in puddles and getting dirty, etc.) but when things are affecting you then it's certainly good to be assertive about your boundaries and expectations.

Good luck!

maestramommy
05-03-2010, 07:12 AM
To me this is a tough call, because your neighbors and you share common space and live in pretty close quarters. Our lots are rather big, so the neighbors's kids don't come over unless we invite them. Once they're on our property I will correct if it's necessary. We recently started playing with 7yo twin girl and boy. They are very sweet, and love our kids, but the boy is very um, active, and doesn't listen very well:p Their parents are pretty strict, so I know they would not have a problem with me correcting them, and if they got out of hand they would want me to tell them about it.

I probably wouldn't say anything if they were on their own property, but it sounds like the lines between your space and theirs is a little vague.

I don't let my kids play outside unattended unless they are in the fenced portion of the backyard. But if I were chatting with the parent, and their kids took my kids to the other yard, or inside I wouldn't worry about if for just a few minutes. I did have a little scare the other day when we were all hanging out in the driveway and Dora invited one twin into our house and I had no idea where they went. I turned my back for a minute to sweep the drive and they were gone. The dad and I were searching all over before I had a hunch and checked inside the house. Turns out she was showing him our house:p I had a little talk with her later about letting me know if she wants to go in.

mamicka
05-03-2010, 08:14 AM
It sounded like you handled the potty talk effectively.

I think for the water, it would be good to let a parent know right away that it's affecting you so they can make it stop. I am assuming mom was home.

Basketball early AM happens.


:yeahthat:

belovedgandp
05-03-2010, 10:16 AM
I have the exact same neighbors, but they've been living here three years and have aged. I do let some things slide more than normal; as in, I do not correct behavior of the neighbor kids that I would correct in my own kid. If I see the 6YO slip a little, I don't call him on it, but I do expect him to behave within our normal expectations.

Now, I do not let them in the house or even the garage with outside play. There are a limited set of toys that are always available to the neighborhood kids. If they want anything more they must ask permission and depending on what we have going on that day I may or may not bring more out. They also must ask permission to go in the backyard. We're on a cul-de-sac and through the driveway and front yard is a free for all.

I am probably known as the mean mom on the cul-de-sac by our hoodlum house. Fortunately the other neighbors have adopted similar rules. All of them more strict than how we used to interact before the hoodlums moved in which is sad.

C99
05-03-2010, 12:03 PM
Yikes! It is a good thing that we are not your neighbors. My kids are 7, 5 and 3, and try as I might, I cannot get my 7-year-old not to engage in potty talk. It's the age. I can think of far worse behaviors for a 7-year-old boy to engage in than potty talk. It's also a stage; I remember going through it myself and I'm a functioning member of society who doesn't routinely talk about poopy pants. When you are 7, the ability to make fart noises with your armpit is a supreme talent and very funny!

If my kids are in our yard, I am not always "directly supervising" them either. They know not to run in the street or go with strangers; if I go into the house to use the restroom or make dinner or even am in the garage getting gardening tools, I trust that they are going to be fine. When *I* was my oldest son's age, there was a group of my classmates who walked 6 blocks to school every day UNsupervised. Letting my kid play in the front yard for 10 minutes is going to be fine. In essence, I trust my kids. I don't trust a lot of adults, but IMO, letting them play unfettered is not statistically likely to hurt them.

Our neighbor is almost 6 and a handful. She can get under my kids' skin in about 10 seconds. She is extremely manipulative. I do not like the way she treats my kids sometimes, but my approach to disciplining other people's children is really simple: if it's not hurtful or willfully destructive, I don't say anything.

My advice to you is that you cannot control other people's behavior, but you can control what happens in your daughter's inside environment. If you don't want her around these kids, don't let her play outside or outside unattended.