goodness gracious... update in post 33

[brgnmom]

while I'm very thankful and relieved that my NT ultrasound scan went well earlier this afternoon, I am not very happy with a particular person who I've written about, seeking advice recently... (I had a costco thread in the past week) She called me asking how my appointment went, and the moment I said it went alright thankfully, she used it as an opportunity to say how she has her 2nd trimester ultrasound scheduled for this particular date + time in June -- asking if I have any ideas on how she can get there, etc.

We are moving from MA to CA in a month and just reserved a place to move into on June 16th... which means that the movers need to pick up our things here in early June. I asked her whether she can possibly ask someone else to help with getting her to her appointment... or at least changing the time, since she has a month's notice to give her dr's office. How insensitive can someone be that she not realize how I have a month to get our belongings packed up and take care of a lot of other things before we move out-of-state? Her response was that her other friends can't help... none of them are moving out-of-state during that time, and I don't see why she can't ask her DH if she can use the car for that morning. My DH and I share our car, and I don't trust her enough to let her use the car.

saying "no" doesn't seem to matter to this person. I feel like she acts like she is entitled because she has apparently offered to help out with a potluck farewell party that my very close friend is kindly hosting. I'm getting an in-home moving consultation this Wednesday and have yet to set the dates for movers + the auto shipper, although I do know we need to have our things in CA around the middle of next month. I'm stressing... and I cannot believe that this lady expects me to accommodate her appointment, when I have enough on my plate.

Thank you for letting me vent... I really don't know what to do.

[happymom]

OMG, this woman is unbelievable! She doesn't stop does she? If i were you I would just tell her straight out- listen, you know that in the past I was always ready and willing to help you out as much as I could. Right now, things are extremely busy and stressful and I barely have enough time in the day to accomplish my own errands! I'm really sorry, but I'm just not available to take you to your appointment...I hope you can work something out.

I know how awful it feels to say no- I have a hard time with it personally. but its really not normal how often this woman asks you for help. talk about an unbalanced relationship! And it doesnt sound as though she doesnt have other options...she just seems to rely on you for some reason!!

She has got to grow up and start figuring out solutions that don't involve you all.the.time!

[♥ms.pacman♥]

wow. this woman sounds like a real piece of work. don't really have any advice, just :hug: for having to deal with her. i'd just tell her you have too many things on your plate and leave it at that. if she really needs a ride she can just ask someone else or ask her DH. i have a hard time saying no to people, but this is just too insane. it's clear that she's just trying to take advantage of you.

DH & I share a car, and i'd never dream about asking someone else to borrow their car or give me a ride somewhere, esp knowing that they've got their hands full with a cross-country move, etc.

btw, i lived in MA for awhile..there was always tons of public transportation (T, bus, commuter rail etc) or even Zipcar..don't know why she can't just use that?? i was in grad school for 5 years there without a car..would even manage to get from Cambridge to Wellesley on a regular basis via commuter rail. not a big deal. this lady does seem pretty self-centered and entitled if she's willing to put you out for all these things she could easily do herself.

[elizabethkott]

Wow. Aren't you glad you're moving away from her? :D
"No. I am unavailable to help you as I have many things on my plate during that time."
Repeat as needed.
If she doesn't get it, shout vagina into the phone and hang up.

[brgnmom]

thank you for being there -- I feel very grateful. my DS and DH are already asleep, and here I am up, thinking about this person. I think I seriously was there for her at her calling beforehand, and I really didn't have a serious wake-up call until I got pregnant and started having more to deal with (cross-country move, needing to find a place to lease asap). also I got into my first car accident on new year's eve, and I think it was at that point, when I slowly realized that this person was not really a genuine friend... a few weeks after my car accident, she asked if she could use my car (or at least have me drive) for her local move. I settled on helping her with lining all her kitchen cabinets in her new place and babysitting her DD. I didn't expect anything in return--only that I wanted to help in some way and not be overwhelmed by subsequent requests. This parent was born and raised in SE asia, and perhaps her cultural/family upbringing may affect how she expects others to take on her load... I'm just trying to rationalize her behavior.

Help... I see this parent three times per week, and I introduced her to my yoga class, and so we see each other more often than just at drop-off and pick-up times for preschool.

[brgnmom]

wow. this woman sounds like a real piece of work. don't really have any advice, just :hug: for having to deal with her. i'd just tell her you have too many things on your plate and leave it at that. if she really needs a ride she can just ask someone else or ask her DH. i have a hard time saying no to people, but this is just too insane. it's clear that she's just trying to take advantage of you.

DH & I share a car, and i'd never dream about asking someone else to borrow their car or give me a ride somewhere, esp knowing that they've got their hands full with a cross-country move, etc.

btw, i lived in MA for awhile..there was always tons of public transportation (T, bus, commuter rail etc) or even Zipcar..don't know why she can't just use that?? i was in grad school for 5 years there without a car..would even manage to get from Cambridge to Wellesley on a regular basis via commuter rail. not a big deal. this lady does seem pretty self-centered and entitled if she's willing to put you out for all these things she could easily do herself.

she walks her daughter to preschool -- she lives that close to the school and the school/public library has a bus stop for the same line that goes to the hospital. she usually takes the bus to her appointments, but she scheduled her appointment next month for later in the morning. my DH takes the T to work every day, although I do drive him to some conferences that are not T-accessible.

I actually took the T with my DS for several mornings when my DH and I were car-less and our car was being repaired in January after my accident. it took awhile, but I still managed, even if it meant taking the subway and the bus during morning rush hour to preschool.

[vejemom]

[QUOTE=brgnmom;2714491]while I'm very thankful and relieved that my NT ultrasound scan went well earlier this afternoon, I am not very happy with a particular person who I've written about, seeking advice recently... (I had a costco thread in the past week) She called me asking how my appointment went, and the moment I said it went alright thankfully, she used it as an opportunity to say how she has her 2nd trimester ultrasound scheduled for this particular date + time in June -- asking if I have any ideas on how she can get there, etc. [\quote]

See, that was your out. You just don't take the bait. Instead of replying, "well, things will be crazy around then. Can you find someone else?" you say, "hmm, interesting. I don't know how you'll get there. How 'bout those Patriots, eh?"

I think you try to fill in the blanks too much with her. Just feign innocence, like you don't understand what she's asking for. Then she's forced to come out and ask you directly. At which point, remember that "no" is a complete sentence.

And darn straight she should help with the potluck. It's the least she could do. Sit back and enjoy guilt free.

[ThreeofUs]

You are *so* busy, I'd guess you just don't have time to stop and chat at all any more. ;)

Seriously, this person is taking advantage of you at an awful time. You are going to have to act as busy as you are with her.

GL and :hug:

[wellyes]

To hell with her. Wow. She didn't even call up to ask you for this favor - or even ask you at all - just said "hmmmm how could I get there?" so you'd be the one to 'suggest' it?
See, that was your out. You just don't take the bait. Instead of replying, "well, things will be crazy around then. Can you find someone else?" you say, "hmm, interesting. I don't know how you'll get there. How 'bout those Patriots, eh?"Or here is the cab company #, good luck to you, bye.



Help... I see this parent three times per week, and I introduced her to my yoga class, and so we see each other more often than just at drop-off and pick-up times for preschool. Cold shoulder time. Seriously. Be a bad guy (in her eyes). What's the worst that could happen? She won't like you? She already doesn't like you well enough to respect your time or feelings. She won't help with the potluck? Oh. Freakin'. Well. She'll gossip about you to your mutual friends? Don't trash her back, you probably don't have to anyway seeing what a lovely person she is. Just talk cheerfully about the changes coming to your life and enjoy the time you have left with the friends that you actually like. You deserve it!!

[MontrealMum]

while I'm very thankful and relieved that my NT ultrasound scan went well earlier this afternoon, I am not very happy with a particular person who I've written about, seeking advice recently... (I had a costco thread in the past week) She called me asking how my appointment went, and the moment I said it went alright thankfully, she used it as an opportunity to say how she has her 2nd trimester ultrasound scheduled for this particular date + time in June -- asking if I have any ideas on how she can get there, etc.



I would have responded, "guess you'll be taking a taxi". It's too late for that now, but there's no reason in the world why you have to justify yourself to this woman. Whether you see her frequently or not. Just say no. Like pp have said, repeat as often as necessary. And ignore her when you see her. You're moving clear across the country. You'll make plenty of new friends there. You surely don't need to worry about keeping on the good side of this woman. Especially since she's not really a friend anyway.

Repeat after me:
1) You do not OWE anyone anything even if they do something for you (like a potluck). Beyond a polite "thank-you" that is :)
2) "No" is a perfectly acceptable answer. To any question. At any time. For any reason. DO NOT EXPLAIN YOURSELF. Just say NO.
3) There are people-users out there. This woman is one of them. They are not your friends. Truly.

Too many women worry about being liked. It's not that important. And if you're true to YOURSELF and put yourself first, plenty of people are going to like you anyways :) Otherwise, they're just going to trample you over.

[KpbS]

I agree w/ PP. Tell her you won't be able to take her--she can take public transportation even if that means leaving really early for the bus/subway combo or rescheduling her appt. for a more convenient time for HER. And when she brings it up again (which she likely will considering her paper towel history!) just say--"I'm sure you'll figure it out" leaving HER to to do the arranging on her own.

[elektra]

Is she your husband's boss's wife? If not, you need to kick this mooch to the curb, Woman!
Time for some tough love, mama!
:)

[niccig]

Do you know someone who doesn't get pushed around? If yes, channel that person when you tell her NO.

I don't like confrontation. So, I prepare myself beforehand by thinking how my mother would handle this situation. I run through a couple of possible scenarios and how I will respond to each one. Then I go into the situation and am firm in my responses. You can't be wishy washy. You have to say "No, I can not help you get to your appt. You need to find someone else." No more explanantion necessary.

[mommylamb]

Wow. Aren't you glad you're moving away from her? :D
"No. I am unavailable to help you as I have many things on my plate during that time."
Repeat as needed.
If she doesn't get it, shout vagina into the phone and hang up.

:yeahthat::hysterical:

Maybe you should drop her some rent-a-car literature. Sadly, it sounds like you just have to put your foot down with her because being subtle isn't working.

[brgnmom]

Is she your husband's boss's wife? If not, you need to kick this mooch to the curb, Woman!
Time for some tough love, mama!
:)

nope, ;) we met through a mutual mommy friend when our kids were around a year old... now they are in preschool.

She does however have a strong tendency to act bossy, even towards her DH who is four years younger and he is currently pursuing a medical degree. I'm nine years younger than her, and I think from her particular cultural upbringing in SE asia there's an expectation that you're supposed to follow your older friends/relatives requests. I could be wrong about that association, but I'm trying to rationalize her behavior and inability to accept "no" for an answer.

you're right...definitely some time for tough love.

[brgnmom]

I agree w/ PP. Tell her you won't be able to take her--she can take public transportation even if that means leaving really early for the bus/subway combo or rescheduling her appt. for a more convenient time for HER. And when she brings it up again (which she likely will considering her paper towel history!) just say--"I'm sure you'll figure it out" leaving HER to to do the arranging on her own.

I like encouraging her to continue to take the bus (she actually doesn't have to even take the subway) to her appt, or suggesting a taxi like wellyes and MontrealMum suggested. Or even just changing her appointment time, since she has about four weeks until then. Thank you for your suggestions. Ultimately, I'll leave her with that responsibility of making her own transportation arrangements. Hopefully, she can figure something out with her DH who is a reasonable guy.

[TwinFoxes]

d I think from her particular cultural upbringing in SE asia there's an expectation that you're supposed to follow your older friends/relatives requests. I could be wrong about that association, but I'm trying to rationalize her behavior and inability to accept "no" for an answer.


But you don't say no, you hint around, or worse, say yes and regret it.



Repeat after me:
1) You do not OWE anyone anything even if they do something for you (like a potluck). Beyond a polite "thank-you" that is :)
2) "No" is a perfectly acceptable answer. To any question. At any time. For any reason. DO NOT EXPLAIN YOURSELF. Just say NO.
3) There are people-users out there. This woman is one of them. They are not your friends. Truly.

Too many women worry about being liked. It's not that important. And if you're true to YOURSELF and put yourself first, plenty of people are going to like you anyways :) Otherwise, they're just going to trample you over.

Well said. There's nothing wrong with saying no. The actual word "no", not "maybe" or "I don't know" or "gee, well, hmm..." Just say, "no, sorry, can you believe how much pollen we've gotten?" Just make sure that little word "no" is in there somewhere.

[brgnmom]

But you don't say no, you hint around, or worse, say yes and regret it.



Well said. There's nothing wrong with saying no. The actual word "no", not "maybe" or "I don't know" or "gee, well, hmm..." Just say, "no, sorry, can you believe how much pollen we've gotten?" Just make sure that little word "no" is in there somewhere.

Good point, I'll have to emphasize the "no." I did follow-up with her last week about the Costco trip and told her I couldn't make the special trip just for her bounty towels and said that I was done shopping there until after we move.

[ThreeofUs]

Good point, I'll have to emphasize the "no." I did follow-up with her last week about the Costco trip and told her I couldn't make the special trip just for her bounty towels and said that I was done shopping there until after we move.

Good for you! And just wanted to say I'm sorry - you don't need this added stress!

[khm]

But you don't say no, you hint around, or worse, say yes and regret it.



Well said. There's nothing wrong with saying no. The actual word "no", not "maybe" or "I don't know" or "gee, well, hmm..." Just say, "no, sorry, can you believe how much pollen we've gotten?" Just make sure that little word "no" is in there somewhere.

I think this is key. You CANNOT change her behavior. She's consistent. You KNOW she's going to ask / expect.

So, you must change YOUR behavior / response. No. Say it with me, don't be vague.

You're moving miles and miles away, I'm not sure why you even care at this point. :)

Practice being assertive with your "no's" on her, just in case you run into someone like her in the future.

[billysmommy]

Well said. There's nothing wrong with saying no. The actual word "no", not "maybe" or "I don't know" or "gee, well, hmm..." Just say, "no, sorry, can you believe how much pollen we've gotten?" Just make sure that little word "no" is in there somewhere.

:yeahthat:

Just tell her "No, I'm sorry, I can't take you."

[TwinFoxes]

Good point, I'll have to emphasize the "no." I did follow-up with her last week about the Costco trip and told her I couldn't make the special trip just for her bounty towels and said that I was done shopping there until after we move.

That's great!

[arivecchi]

Do you need this person in your life? It seems like she is causing you so much stress. I would just stop taking her calls and avoid her, but I am mean that way. :icon_twisted:

[SnuggleBuggles]

Do you have caller id? Stop answering the phone. :)

Beth

[brgnmom]

Hi all,
thank you for all your wonderful advice and encouragement. I'm planning on talking with her tomorrow in person during drop-off/pick-up... hopefully all will go well.

[Corie]

I'm not sure why you even care at this point. :)




I really don't get it either.

Why would you want a friend like this?

[ewpmsw]

Glad that all is well with your baby. It's time your friend found the number for a taxi service.

[deborah_r]

I really don't get it either.

Why would you want a friend like this?

I think it's a people-pleaser thing. I can identify somewhat, but I seem to be getting better about it as I get older.

[mamicka]

Repeat after me:
1) You do not OWE anyone anything even if they do something for you (like a potluck). Beyond a polite "thank-you" that is :)
2) "No" is a perfectly acceptable answer. To any question. At any time. For any reason. DO NOT EXPLAIN YOURSELF. Just say NO.
3) There are people-users out there. This woman is one of them. They are not your friends. Truly.


Excellent advice. Thank you.

OP - just don't take her calls. You don't need this. I'm sorry that you've got this stress.

[hollybloom24]

Geez, maybe you can swing her by Costco on the way home from driving her to her doctor's appointment...

(That's a joke.)

This "friend" is too much!

[bubbaray]

OK, look. She's not your friend. You're moving light years away. Tell her to go bother someone else and then block her number on your phone. Seriously. Who gives a rip when her appointment is? You are definitely too busy to take her REGARDLESS of when the appointment is. Period.

Sorry in advance for the cranky response, but people like her drive me mental.

[boolady]

OK, look. She's not your friend. You're moving light years away. Tell her to go bother someone else and then block her number on your phone. Seriously. Who gives a rip when her appointment is? You are definitely too busy to take her REGARDLESS of when the appointment is. Period.

Sorry in advance for the cranky response, but people like her drive me mental.

:yeahthat: She just sounds so opportunistic, and unless she's done lots of reciprocating that you just haven't described here, things in this "relationship" are wayyy unbalanced. She's a grown up. She managed to figure out how to get pregnant (twice, apparently), she can figure out how to get to her appointments. You said she has a DD...what did she do the first time around? How does she get herself and her DD from place to place when you're not available?

[brgnmom]

Hi all,

sorry it's taken me awhile to update you. The past couple days have been pretty hectic here -- I fortunately found and reserved a place to rent on the west coast, along with finalized the dates for when the moving company and auto shipper will pick up our belongings and car. Now I can focus on just decluttering and packing as far as the move is concerned.

on Wednesday, I was the parent helper for the morning, and so I wasn't able to actually talk to the person very much. The only conversation we exchanged was during pick-up time, when she came up to me while I was in the playground helping to look after the kids. She commented how she thought I was out there early from cleaning up the classroom (I'm not sure how she would know exactly what time I got out :loveeyes:), and then she was like, "wow, you are already wearing a maternity shirt?!" Even though she is a few weeks ahead of me (I am almost 13 wks along), she emphasized how it'll be at least a month and a half before she will even fit into maternity shirts.

Perhaps she realized how ridiculous it was that she wanted me to rearrange my schedule around hers, especially the week before moving cross-country, and she didn't follow-up with me. I didn't see her at all at my son's preschool today. our relationship definitely felt imbalanced and I think getting pregnant was a real wake-up call that I was giving way too much to that relationship than I realized. My OB actually revealed to me that my very first ultrasound showed some evidence of hemorraging, but thankfully it resolved and it wasn't part of the baby. I really should have taken it easy, and looking back, I wish I hadn't helped her w/ re-lining her kitchen cabinets, drawers and closets when I had no idea I was pregnant at the time.

Thank you again for your feedback and just being there. :) Happy Mother's Day weekend!! :D

[brgnmom]

:yeahthat: She just sounds so opportunistic, and unless she's done lots of reciprocating that you just haven't described here, things in this "relationship" are wayyy unbalanced. She's a grown up. She managed to figure out how to get pregnant (twice, apparently), she can figure out how to get to her appointments. You said she has a DD...what did she do the first time around? How does she get herself and her DD from place to place when you're not available?

It still amazes me that she is 40 years old. However, I guess that someone's age doesn't always reflect his/her maturity and level of responsibility. I'm not sure how she got to her appointments when she was pregnant with her DD. I know that she usually takes the bus to get to her recent appointments, since the hospital is a few miles away. And the preschool is less than a 5-minute walk from their place. In the past, I drove this person and her daughter, however, to places that are not easily accessible by public transportation.

[ehlana06]

Wow. Aren't you glad you're moving away from her? :D
"No. I am unavailable to help you as I have many things on my plate during that time."
Repeat as needed.
If she doesn't get it, shout vagina into the phone and hang up.

:hysterical: LMAO :yeahthat: