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lablover
05-04-2010, 11:51 AM
I just found out I am pregnant (took a pregnancy test yesterday) and the word that sums up the way I feel is devastated. DH has always wanted 3 kids and I was pretty adamant at stopping at 2. I did get wistful at times but in no way did I want to go through pregnancy and babyhood again and I wasn’t keen on splitting myself 3 ways anyway. A vasectomy was in his future but he was dragging his feet on getting it done and I admit I didn’t push him more than the occasional “You really need to get it done….” We were careful, and although I knew our methods weren’t fullproof (obviously), the chances of getting pregnant were so slim and I figured if it happened it was meant to be and I would adapt. I was not prepared for the strong feelings I feel right now. I cried on the way to work, several times in the bathroom at work, and every time I talked to DH about it last night. It took 2 years to conceive DS and almost 1 year to conceive DD so I know what it feels like to struggle with that and I feel guilty that I am not feeling blessed with this one. Every thought is negative. I love my family the way it is now. DD and DS have such a wonderful relationship and I don’t want that to change. I love having the time for each child plus some extra time for me. I was looking forward to finally having a morning of freedom with no kids next Fall on my day off, and also being able to volunteer at DCs schools, since childcare wouldn’t be an issue. We just traveled in March and I loved how we had no baby gear and everything was sooo easy. The only reason I felt sad about not having a third was that the kids wouldn’t have another sibling to play with and grow with. But at this point they will be 7.25 and 4.25 when this baby is due and now I feel like they will always be at different stages anyway and it’s just going to be a hindrance, having to deal with schedules and naps interrupting everything and not being able to pick up and go. Then I add on the fears of our ages (at the due date I will be 39, DH almost 43) and all that comes with that. I also have only been taking a multivitamin and I didn’t even take that for at least one full week after I conceived. I also worry because I had a problem pregnancy with DD (unexplained bleeding throughout and hemorrhaging with a resulting D&C at 1 week postpartum.) and weird autoimmune based flares that happened postpartum both times. Although it resolved both times I worry that this time it won’t. Both babies were not easy – screamers/gas/etc. And the first two years of DD’s life were extremely trying, with tons of allergies and asthma, and we still have issues that we are trying to figure out with regard to that. I worry how I will get through this again and how I will handle it if this one has allergies and/or asthma. And finally I will most likely have to give up my p/t job that has been so great for me up until now. I feel absolutely horrible that I feel this way and so guilty that I don’t want this baby. I hardly ate yesterday but I am doing better today. I even said a prayer yesterday and said to give me a miscarriage and let someone else that is frantically trying to have a baby keep theirs instead. Irrational, I know. Is there anyone else out there that has been so upset when finding out they were pregnant? I keep telling myself it has to eventually work out. I was not prepared to be feeling so distraught. I didn’t realize how much I loved things just the way they are, just the 4 of us. I feel like such a horrible mother to be feeling this way.

arivecchi
05-04-2010, 11:56 AM
I am so sorry mama. :hug: I can relate to those feelings. I was scared out of my mind both times and now I cannot imagine life without my boys. However, I would be beyond freaked out if I got pregnant with another one too.

I don't have any useful advice but I just want to say I understand your feelings and that you are not abnormal for feeling them. Hugs. :grouphug:

elektra
05-04-2010, 12:11 PM
Big hugs. I would be completely freaked out if I got pregnant with a 3rd too, for many of the reasons you listed. I think it's probably a healthy thing to list all your fears/concerns out like this and be honest with yourself.
If it were me, I would probably start praying for the strength to get through it all, and for God to to let it work out how it is supposed to.
Good luck and more hugs.

Globetrotter
05-04-2010, 12:20 PM
:grouphug: I thought I was pregnant last year and had the exact same reaction, so you are not the only one to voice those fears - kudos to you for writing it out. LIke you, I am comfortable with life with two, ready to move on to another phase of life and was scared of adding another.

It was a false alarm for me, but I have friends who have been in similar situations and they have all adjusted just fine. You will slowly adjust to the idea and things will work out. In fact, one of my friends says her dd #3 was a breath of fresh air as she was dealing with irritable preteens!

Wife_and_mommy
05-04-2010, 12:28 PM
As much as I like the thought of adding a third, my reality would definitely be where you are. Be gentle with yourself while the news is so new. You won't always feel this way. :hug:

megv
05-04-2010, 12:32 PM
Big hugs!

I completely understand how you are feeling. I am due with DC#3 in July, and I was really really not ready to do this again. I always thought I would eventually have a 3rd, but was in no way prepared to do it NOW. I had many of your fears - zero time for myself, feeling split into too many pieces, and having to give up my job that I love.

Honestly, time has helped. I am still worried about all of the same things, but I know that it will all work out.

My new motto is just to do the best I can, and not obsess about being the perfect mother, because that is impossible.

Give yourself time to be angry and upset - it is okay to feel that way. It does not mean that you won't love this baby just as much as your older 2 DC.

TwinFoxes
05-04-2010, 12:36 PM
I don't think your feelings are out of the norm at all. Pregnancy is life changing (duh) and scary, especially if you've had difficulties before. Give yourself time to absorb this, and grieve a little about replacing your family of four with a family of five. I don't have any BTDT, but I think your feelings are completely understandable. :hug:

liz
05-04-2010, 03:27 PM
Hugs, mama :hug:

wellyes
05-04-2010, 03:42 PM
:grouphug:

Please don't feel like a bad person or a horrible mother. Give yourself time to deal with this. Sometimes with change, you do need to grieve what you'll be losing before you are able to cope with -- and maybe even celebrate, eventually -- what you'll be getting.

pinkmomagain
05-04-2010, 03:56 PM
Your feelings are what they are right now. Completely understandable, don't place judgement on yourself. It takes time to process unexpected changes like this.

Maybe my story will help a little. While originally I wanted 3 kids, after 2 -- I was done. My first was dx with a chronic condition (UC) and my 2nd had many developmental delays and issues requiring multiple therapies. I was done.

Due to dissatisfaction with the pill and the patch, carelessness, and miscalculations (and the stars aligning just so), I became pregnant at age 39 (dh 41)...age spread for new baby would be 6 yrs from my middle and 9 from my oldest. Not anything I would intentionally plan. Had given away all of my baby stuff. All of the hand-me-downs. It did take a while to get my head around it (although I can't say I was sad...more in shock). Throughout the pregnancy, my MIL kept saying to me "she's going to be your lucky baby."

Fast-forward, my youngest has been the light of our lives. Yup we started all over again, but with a new perspective. There was breathing room. The older ones more independent and helpful. It's been a good thing for my now middle one to become an older sister. So many positives. Keeps us younger too! (Yeah, I'm the oldest one at preschool, I think.)

Anyways, just wanted to offer my experience to help with perspective. ((HUGS))

DrSally
05-04-2010, 04:21 PM
Your feelings are what they are right now. Completely understandable, don't place judgement on yourself. It takes time to process unexpected changes like this.


:yeahthat::hug:

ThreeofUs
05-04-2010, 04:31 PM
:hug::hug: I know you're feeling bad right now, but give yourself a little time to process. (It was hard for me and both of my pregnancies were planned.)

marit
05-04-2010, 04:45 PM
Surprise babies are the best ones, you'll see.
:hug5:

almostmom
05-04-2010, 04:46 PM
Just want to send you hugs, and warm thoughts. You've gotten good advice here.

I haven't BTDT, but I think I would feel the same way if I got pregnant. , I do think that after I got over the initial shock, and definitely sadness, of losing any life ease that I can now claim, I know I would fall madly in love with the new baby. As hard as your kids were as babies and toddlers, you still adored them, right? That mama love can get you through a lot, and I believe it will.

I always felt with my pregnancies that 9 months is a long time to prepare yourself for what's to come. Mourn the loss of what you have - many of us understand that and don't think you are bad for that. At all. But find small spaces to let in the possibility of hope, that this child will bring new light to your life, new perspective, new knowledge of the world, as all children do. What might this child look like? When you have a moment of peace, maybe think about what fun it will be to see what features this child inherits from you and DH.

But for now, hold on. This dark place won't last forever. But you can't rush yourself out of it any faster than it wants to go.

craftysierra
05-04-2010, 05:29 PM
We always said we wanted 3-4 kids and still the beginning of my pregnancies after the 1st were full of oh my what did I do thoughts. Deep breths and give yourself a little time to be unhappy.

Hugs
Sierra

JoyNChrist
05-04-2010, 07:19 PM
I haven't BTDT exactly, but I understand the ambivalence you're feeling right now. We tried for a really long time to get and stay pregnant the second time around, and when we found out we were expecting this time we were so incredibly thrilled. And then we found out it was twins and I was...way less than thrilled. In fact, I was devastated. I had wanted another baby so badly but two babies? That wasn't part of my plan. I was just adjusting to the idea of finally going from one child to two, and here I'd be going from one to three. I'd have more kids than I'd have arms to hold them! And how was I going to deal with a potentially problematic pregnancy, and possibly sick or high needs babies, when I had my son to take care of? We'd have to get a bigger house...I'd have to buy a freaking minivan!

All of these things were going around and around in my head and I was a mess for weeks. My emotions were so conflicted - I'd wanted to be pregnant more than anything, but I felt like I couldn't even be excited about it anymore because it wasn't what I expected. And then I felt bad about THAT, because after all my sadness over infertility and pregnancy loss, who was I to complain about a healthy pregnancy?

But then I just finally came to a point where I could accept it. No, it wasn't the "ideal situation," but really, what situation is? We wanted another baby, and here we were getting two! Who was I to complain?

I know that your situation is different, but I guess what I'm saying is that I'm sure you'll get to the point where you can let go of the fear and just embrace what your life will be. It's not what you planned, but it's what will be, so you'll make the best of it and probably enjoy it more than you think.

Big huge hugs mama! Be kind to yourself and let yourself acknowledge how you feel...there's nothing wrong with it at all. :hug:

JTsMom
05-04-2010, 07:26 PM
No BTDT, but big hugs. :grouphug:

Hallie_D
05-04-2010, 08:50 PM
I could have written much of your post in December of 2008. I, too, was surprised with a third pregnancy after just getting used to the idea of having 2 kids (instead of the 3 I'd always wanted), feeling good about our schedule, etc. And my boys were 4.5 and 7.25 when DD was born. Seeing the positive pregnancy test was like being hit with a ton of bricks.

Now that DD is here, I cannot imagine life without her. She is such a joy. It was hard to go back to a baby's schedule, but I have not regretted one second of it. Watching the boys with DD is the most amazing experience. They adore her, and she adores them. They are so helpful, so patient, so sensitive to her needs. DS#1 is reading her a story as I type this! And she has DH totally wrapped around her finger.

Give yourself the time and space you need to absorb the news. Your feelings are perfectly normal, and they will change as the pregnancy progresses.

lablover
05-04-2010, 08:52 PM
Thank you all so much for your stories and support. It means a lot! We aren't telling anyone IRL for awhile so it is very helpful to let it all out here. I guess one positive thing is that even though we ordered DD's big girl furniture months ago it still hasn't arrived, which means I haven't sold the nursery furniture yet. If I had sold all that a month ago as planned that would have been too much! Celebrate the small things, right?

hillview
05-04-2010, 08:56 PM
Mama HUGS. I felt some of this with DS2. I think talking to a therapist or counselor might be helpful. I am also going to PM you.
/hillary

Twoboos
05-04-2010, 09:01 PM
I also felt this way when first pg w/ dd2. Even though we decided to try, I figured it would take months. And when it didn't, so I was completely freaked out!

Many hugs to you. It will all work out when the initial shock passes.

ohiomom
05-04-2010, 09:52 PM
Your feelings are what they are right now. Completely understandable, don't place judgement on yourself. It takes time to process unexpected changes like this.

More :yeahthat:

:hug: