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citymama
05-04-2010, 08:07 PM
...I started to freak out.

I'm 39 weeks and some days. I've been having BH contractions for weeks. This is exactly when I *should* be going into labor. Earlier this afternoon, I felt a little "leaky" (now I think it was a false alarm). And instead of being excited or something else positive, I broke out into a cold sweat. For about 15 minutes, I was totally gripped by fear - heart racing, feeling icy cold, panicked. WTH????

With DD1, I was so waiting for, and totally psyched to be in, labor. But this time, every time I have an indication I could actually be going into labor, I start to get panicky and fearful. It could be because I had a trying labor with DD1 that ended up with a c-section - not-so-great memories causing me to worry. It could also be that this is a VBAC and there are some greater risks. Are baby and I going to be safe? And that I am a bad candidate for an epidural (major issues in the first birth which resulted in the c/s) and really want to do this birth sans meds - but can I?

There's also a part of me that is panicking about DD1 and whether she will be safe and OK while we are in the hospital. DD has never spent a night without one of us. My mom has arrived in time, and DD adores her, but she is not quite acclimatized and may not have the routine down (not to mention, she doesn't drive, so would be taking DD to school on public transit, the prospect of which freaks me out a bit).

Yikes. I can't panic. I can't be afraid. I want to be excited to birth my baby and bring her into this world. I'm doing so at a terrific hospital with a high rate of successful VBACs. I have a supportive DH and doula. And my mom raised me in the big city and can take care of DD for 24 hrs without us. Logically, my panic makes no sense.

I am writing this here because I don't want to express these fears and freak out DH or my mom (definitely not my mom - she is anxious enough as it is!). I was barely aware of the fears myself until the panic attack this afternoon. Did anyone else feel like this? How did you really calm yourself down and let your body do what it needed to go into labor? How can I get beyond fear to the exciting, wonderful part of this journey? I would love your advice and reassurance. Please know that I'll probably be thinking of those words in labor, and really appreciate your taking the time to respond. Thank you.

SnuggleBuggles
05-04-2010, 08:14 PM
You can totally do it. :) You can't not do it- once it starts it won't end till the baby comes out and you will make it work.

When it came time to push with ds2 I just didn't want to do it. I wanted to stop and go home. I really just didn't think I had it in me. But, I knew that if I just did what I had to do then it would be over and done! That doesn't help so much with the regular part of labor, sadly you can't work harder to get done sooner. ;)

But, I think you just need to remember that once you get through the birth you will have a new baby!!!! Yay!!!!

DD will be fine. Everything will work out. Hopefully g'ma will spoil her and they will have a good time together.

I wish you the very best of luck for safe, easy, happy birth. :)

BEth

vejemom
05-04-2010, 08:20 PM
I don't have any eloquent words, but know that This mama in VA will have you in her prayers tonight!

DD will be OK. My older daughter looked so sad and confused when she came to visit me in the hospital after my c-section. She was much younger than yours, only 18 months. I can still remember the way she said "mama?" when she saw me. But the time with her grandmas turned into w big, happy adventure. And she has come to love bossing her little sister around :applause:

Melaine
05-04-2010, 08:22 PM
This is totally just my random thoughts, but I imagine having your second could be much more stressful than having your first. Just because you really comprehend the meaning and magnitude of motherhood, and what giving birth is all about. I'm trying to say that the feelings you are expressing sound totally normal to me, but you will be absolutely fine. You can do it!

If you were worried about your mom having to get DD to school, I would just let her stay home with grandma if I were you! It would probably be less stressful all around.

Remember we will all be sitting here waiting to hear your story and can't wait for news of your safe delivery.

SnuggleBuggles
05-04-2010, 08:45 PM
Btw, maybe you just need to be pg a few more weeks then you can get to the "I don't care how it comes out, the baby just needs to come out!" stage. Both of my boys were past 41 weeks and I got to that point with both of them. :)

Beth

citymama
05-04-2010, 08:56 PM
Btw, maybe you just need to be pg a few more weeks then you can get to the "I don't care how it comes out, the baby just needs to come out!" stage. Both of my boys were past 41 weeks and I got to that point with both of them. :)

Beth

Heh, I think that's why I was so psyched with my first labor. DD1 was born just a few days shy of 42 weeks! I think mentally I've been prepared for waiting post-due date. Perhaps that's why going into labor at 39 weeks, while entirely possible, was not something I had quite wrapped my mind around. Bizarre, eh?

I appreciate all the positive thoughts and responses. I've been thinking some more and trying to tap deeper into the fear - I think part of what is going on is that I feel like I have this big test coming up - a once in a lifetime final exam - and that the only time I've ever done this before, I "failed" the test and had to be bailed out via c/s. (i know, totally ridiculous and unfair to me and other women who have had one or more c-sections!)

The fact is, this isn't a test. It might seem like one b/c in our modern bookish society, we think we have to prepare and train and cram for childbirth as we would for a test - take classes, get coached, practice breathing etc etc. But no matter how the birth progresses and how the delivery ends up, assuming everyone is healthy, you end up with the grandest prize on earth. I am not in some kind of competition here. It is true, I am intimidated by the women around me with amazing childbirth stories (including my cousin who just delivered her own second baby at home after 15 minutes of pushing) - but they are not "better" in this test than I am. I need to remind myself that billions of women of all shapes and sizes and backgrounds have been down this road before, and everyone has found their own path on this journey. I just need to trust my body, myself, and my support team. I can do it.

AnnieW625
05-04-2010, 09:06 PM
same thing happened to me last Wednesday so much so that when I had my appt. at 4 pm I was expecting my OB to tell me to head over the hospital next door pronto and I was a little dissapointed when he told me I was a little effaced, but no where near dialated. My water broke 7 hrs later and I had DD2 9 hrs. later; quite a surprise to say the least:)

WatchingThemGrow
05-04-2010, 10:11 PM
You CAN do it, and you will do it well! We'll be here :cheerleader1: and :D for you. P&PT are on the way for you!

I was more scared the 2nd time, b/c my first delivery was really hard. After it was over, I was like, "What in the world was I worried about? This was SO much easier the 2nd time around." You make it through the delivery - whatever it looks like - and you get an amazing little person at the end of it! Eventually you get your body back, and you feel SO much better all around! And THIS time, you already know what to expect with a newborn, how you and DH like to take care of the new LO, etc.

I'm excited for you! Go mama!

Indianamom2
05-04-2010, 10:33 PM
You will be fine. I never had the panicky feeling, though I was actually much more nervous the second time around.

I will say that you absolutely CAN do this without meds. I had DD#1 totally med free and it was not nearly as bad as I anticipated. Ds #2 was nearly med-free (18 of the 20 hours) but I had stalled and had been up all night, so I just gave in!

You will be just fine. Your DD#1 will absolutely be fine. As Snugglebuggles said, you can't not do it! You're almost there....:cheerleader1:

Oh, I just wanted to add, on the issue of your DD....I also had a 4 year old (almost 5) when Ds was born. She stayed with my mom, who she adores, but only sees once, maybe twice, a year. On a good night here at home, she is a major pain to put to bed...always has been. I was very concerned that it would be rough, but she amazed us all and slept beautifully and handled everything really well. The only thing that bothered her a little was when I actually left for the hospital (went in for an induction right around her bedtime) and when she saw the i.v. in my hand at the hospital. She wouldn't sit with me until the i.v. was totally out...then all was well again!

goldenpig
05-05-2010, 12:47 AM
Don't worry! You'll be fine and you can do it! :cheerleader1:

I was nervous before having DS too. I kept thinking, I don't want to do this, what if something goes wrong? I was so scared of a birth complication with the baby or myself. But everything went fine and the labor & delivery was much shorter and easier. Pushed for three contractions instead of three hours. Went home the next day. Felt back to myself a lot faster. The baby was easier and I already knew what to do. DD also had never spent a night apart from me so I was worried about her freaking out. Grandma took care of DD for two nights alone and DD was just fine. (We prepared DD beforehand by repeatedly telling her what to expect). She was so excited to meet her baby brother!

Good luck! Have a safe and smooth delivery. I'm sure your DD will be just as excited to meet her little sister!

California
05-05-2010, 01:31 AM
Going into a VBAC delivery isn't like the first time around, when you no doubt didn't plan on a c-section. I totally get the feeling of wanting a natural birth the second time and being afraid it won't happen-- again. I've had two VBACs and definitely felt that way, especially for my 2nd baby/1st VBAC. For me, a big help was creating a playlist of the most relaxing, uplifting songs I could find. Starting with "Ordinary Miracle" by Sarah McLachlan. I listened to it a lot and practiced a light meditation to it. That playlist settled me down so much for the very beginning of labor. Maybe seek out whatever makes you feel most peaceful, and start giving yourself some time to immerse yourself in what makes you feel best. Snuggle with your kid? Opening all the windows and breathing in fresh air? A fresh pot of tea? Whatever it is... work with it now, and when labor truly does start it'll be ready to go to help you get calm and focused.

Sending all positive labor vibes to you! You've accomplished something already in advocating for yourself by saying you're going for a VBAC.

elektra
05-05-2010, 02:26 AM
I am now convinced this freakout period is totally normal. I just looked back to my "freakout" post and it was 6 days before I delivered. I feel like I had legitimate things to be concerned about but I think the TOTAL freakout must just be nature's way of some kind of pre-birth prep or something!
And ever since it happened to me, I have noticed that others here have also had "freakout" posts, where you are scrambling to deal with something in regards to the doctor, delivery, etc.
I would say that you should feel free to freak out to your DH a bit. Maybe he can help calm you down. In looking back at my post, I now remember that my DH's "fix-it" mentality really helped me isolate what my real concerns were and figure out how to deal with them.
I was also concerned about my DD, as she had never spent the night away from us either. But it all worked out. :)
Good luck, you must be getting close. :)

JTsMom
05-05-2010, 06:25 AM
:grouphug: I too think what you're feeling is very normal, and that you probably are getting close. You are ready for this. I know you've worked hard and prepared. You know what you're doing. You have a fantastic plan in place. You've assembled a top-notch support team. DD is going to do wonderfully with Grandma- you picked Grandma for a reason, I'm sure. :)

We are all behind you, and you know how miraculous the BBB mojo is! I don't have to tell you that birth is unpredictable, and you never know how things are going to go, but you can honestly say you've done your best to prepare, and that's what counts, right? You've controlled for what you can, you've educated yourself, and you've prepared those around you. You are ready! You just have to convince yourself of that fact. :)

ThreeofUs
05-05-2010, 07:55 AM
:hug: It's totally understandable that you're feeling this way. But you are going to do very well - you're super prepared, you know what you're going to be doing, and you are a smart, involved mama.

Sending you P&PT for a wonderful experience.

:hug:

jgenie
05-05-2010, 08:30 AM
:hug: Sorry you're feeling anxious and worried about your delivery. The hardest part about delivering DS2 was worrying about when I would go into labor and who would take DS1. We have no family nearby and although people offered to take him - he had never really been with anyone else especially at bedtime. As it happened, my water broke after we put him to bed and DH was back home before he woke up the next morning. Having your mom there already is great. Now you can put your energy into birthing your baby. Your DD will be fine - Grandma will do things differently from Mama but DD will be safe and loved. You're ready for this!!! :hug:

ewpmsw
05-05-2010, 09:16 AM
Here's some feedback from an anxious type, FWIW: Just breathe. When you start feeling anxious and all those worries start rising up, try to relax and take some deep breaths. As pp's said, you can do this! You're going to do great. Just be gentle with yourself and try to deal with the worries one at a time so they're not overwhelming you. When a "what if?" comes up, try to think about it calmly, how you've already planned for it, or how you could deal with it, and that it's okay if everything doesn't go as planned. I know this is much easier said than done. Take good care of you and best wishes for a safe delivery. :hug:

teedeedee
05-05-2010, 10:39 AM
I still have a few months to go with DC#2 and I'm already nervous. I think with the first DC you don't know what to expect. It's easy to just be caught up in the excitement of meeting your first little one. With this baby, I know how demanding taking care of a newborn is- just the thought makes me tired. Then I look at DD- who will only be 26 months when baby comes and can't imagine how I am going to handle a newborn and a 2 year old!

Plus, I had such a hard first labor and ended up having an emergency c-section. I keep going back and forth on whether I want to have a VBAC or just another c-section. The idea of another long, hard labor that just ends in a c/s totally freaks me out.

I've also had crying spells where I feel like we are ruining DDs little life that she loves. (rational brain does tell me that eventually she'll love her sibling...but I'm pregnant- so I'm not much listening to rational brain...hehe)

So, absolutely. I'm terrified about having this baby. As the day grows nearer, I get more and more worried about it all. So big hugs! :hug: Hope you have an easy labor and a successful VBAC!

Tondi G
05-05-2010, 11:41 AM
Sounds like some Post Traumatic Stress. I think with all the factors it isn't odd to feel a bit panicked when the thought of labor/delivery coming on. You can do it mama! Hope you get the med free VBAC you are hoping for! Good Luck!

mamicka
05-05-2010, 11:57 AM
I remember being really afraid at certain points during labor when attempting my first VBAC. I think that is normal & could be some sort of post-traumatic stress. Hang in there, mama - you'll do great no matter what. :grouphug:

tny915
05-05-2010, 05:34 PM
:hug: You can do this, you totally can. Trust yourself, you've done all the research and preparation. You have a great doula and wonderful hospital. Everything is in place. You can totally do this. :hug:

FWIW, DD1 also had never spent a single night away from us, until the night DD2 was born. Like your DD, she was 4yo. My parents stayed over, and they definitely did not have the routine down, but DD1 was so excited at having them sleepover at our house that none of that mattered. The timing worked out that we could talk to each other over the phone to say our good nights. She did just fine without us, and your DD will too.

Sending lots of positive, calming vibes your way!

Drag0nflygirl
05-05-2010, 05:48 PM
I think it's really interesting that she hasn't responded today. Maybe she's putting that positive mojo to use in the birthing room.

citymama
05-05-2010, 05:58 PM
Just a quick check-in to say I think this might be for real today! Contrax are about 12 mins apart and 30 seconds or so, so maybe too early to say if it's the real thing. Let's see.

I feel blessed by your messages and the opportunity for a "dry run" yesterday - I feel raring to go today! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

elektra
05-05-2010, 06:04 PM
Just a quick check-in to say I think this might be for real today! Contrax are about 12 mins apart and 30 seconds or so, so maybe too early to say if it's the real thing. Let's see.

I feel blessed by your messages and the opportunity for a "dry run" yesterday - I feel raring to go today! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Good luck citymama!

WatchingThemGrow
05-05-2010, 06:11 PM
:cheerleader1::cheerleader1::cheerleader1: Go citymama! Push that girl out (well, when they tell you to!)

mamicka
05-05-2010, 06:20 PM
:thumbsup: You can do it!

JTsMom
05-05-2010, 06:50 PM
Go citymama go! :cheerleader1::cheerleader1::cheerleader1: I'm so excited for you! Update when you can- I'll be watching for you!

kellij
05-05-2010, 07:11 PM
I had a vba2c on St. Patrick's Day and it was awesome!!!! I almost want to have a 4th baby to experience it again, it was so amazing and empowering. Entirely different from before. I didn't think twice about the risks once I was in labor, I was so focused on being in labor, it didn't occur to me to be worried.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is give yourself permission for anything that you end up doing being okay. If you decide you're better off with a c/s, that's okay. If you need help with pain management, there are options other than epidurals, and it okay if you use them.

You're strong and your body was meant to do this.

I recommend reading Ina May Gaskin's book; it has story after story of positive birthing experiences.

Indianamom2
05-05-2010, 09:00 PM
Wohooo....Hope this is it for you and that you are having that baby as I type!

Best wishes for a safe and healthy and easy delivery!

:cheerleader1::bighand::yay:

elephantmeg
05-05-2010, 09:18 PM
thinking about you citymama! Good luck!!!!!!!!!!

LarsMal
05-05-2010, 09:22 PM
Just a quick check-in to say I think this might be for real today! Contrax are about 12 mins apart and 30 seconds or so, so maybe too early to say if it's the real thing. Let's see.

I feel blessed by your messages and the opportunity for a "dry run" yesterday - I feel raring to go today! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Good luck!!!! Can't wait for an update!!