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View Full Version : Communication: what is fair to ask of grandparents?



ewpmsw
05-05-2010, 09:41 AM
Before I discuss this with my parents and IL's this weekend, I wanted to get some perspective, because my expectations may be a little over-the-top. When my IL's or parents are keeping toddler DD, I want to be able to get in touch with them, especially now that I'm pg. I think that if someone is caring for my daughter, I should be able to get in touch with them while she's in their care.

My IL's do not want a cell phone, which I respect, but they also don't answer their phone/our phone, or tell me where they're taking DD before they go out. (MIL isn't big on sharing any details any time, esp. the ones she thinks I'll nix.) My parents have cell phones, but have never figured out the voice mail, so leaving a message is pointless. Plus, they never have their phones on. I want to ask them to be available in some way so that I can check on my daughter or call if there is a problem - Not to chit-chat, not to make them do things they didn't sign up for. Not to check up on them or take away from their time with DD. If someone is coming to care for my child and is running very late, making me late for an appointment I'll be charged for missing, I'd like to be able to get in touch with them, or have them let me know what's up so I can reorganize my plans and still give them time with DD.

MIL's attitude so far has been, "This is our time with our granddaughter and you don't need to interfere with it." They come to spend a day with DD and give me a day off, which is awesome, but I'm expected to be gone from the house all day and let them do whatever without having a say or knowing where my child is. I'm really uncomfortable with that.

What is fair to ask in this situation? Should I just leave it alone?

egoldber
05-05-2010, 09:44 AM
I think it's fair to ask them to check their voice mail. If they are not used to phones and easily distracted, I think that they may not want to keep them on while driving and that is probably a good idea. I wonder if they don't know how to set up the voice mail and are confused by it and that's the problem?

It's also fair to ask your ILs to answer the phone. That seems weird IMO.

infomama
05-05-2010, 09:45 AM
I would not be cool with anyone trying to shut me out from communicating with my dds at any time. Whether they are doing me a favor by taking them for an afternoon or whatever...I have made it clear that I will be checking in at least once. I expect the phone to be answered or to be called back within a short period of time. My kids, my rules.

sste
05-05-2010, 09:51 AM
Do you think it is that they don't want the expense/hassle of a cell phone or that they want to be left entirely to themselves for their time with DD?

If the former I think you could buy them a prepaid minutes cell phone pretty cheaply . . . but get a very easy to use one. My downfall with cell phones is I always get so frustrated with their endless complexity, menus, buttons that I quit them before I am competent.

If they want to be left alone maybe you could compromise with getting them the cell phone and telling them it is a safety measure for emergencies or car breakdown on their end and you will try to be pretty strict about only using the cell phone if you really need to let them know something about DD, a change in plans, etc. Or that you will limit it to a one-five minute check in. They probably want some assurance they won't be micromanaged and they will then be OK.

crl
05-05-2010, 10:17 AM
I would not be okay with someone telling me I couldn't be in my own house. I also would not be okay with any caregiver not clearing outings involving my child with me first. And I would not be okay with caregivers refusing to answer phones while they are caring for my child. Honestly any of those would mean the grandparents would not have my child alone again. So I don't think you are being unreasonable to want those things to change.

Catherine

JoyNChrist
05-05-2010, 10:25 AM
I would not be okay with someone telling me I couldn't be in my own house. I also would not be okay with any caregiver not clearing outings involving my child with me first. And I would not be okay with caregivers refusing to answer phones while they are caring for my child. Honestly any of those would mean the grandparents would not have my child alone again. So I don't think you are being unreasonable to want those things to change.

:yeahthat: This sounds like a control issue (especially with your IL's) and I would so not be okay with it.

JenChem
05-05-2010, 10:49 AM
When my IL's or parents are keeping toddler DD, I want to be able to get in touch with them, especially now that I'm pg. I think that if someone is caring for my daughter, I should be able to get in touch with them while she's in their care.

This is absolutely reasonable and you shouldn't be embarrassed to demand this.


My IL's do not want a cell phone, which I respect, but they also don't answer their phone/our phone, or tell me where they're taking DD before they go out. (MIL isn't big on sharing any details any time, esp. the ones she thinks I'll nix.)

This is a red-flag for me. They must answer their phone and it isn't unreasonable to want to know if they are going somewhere. What if they had an accident? How would you find them?


My parents have cell phones, but have never figured out the voice mail, so leaving a message is pointless. Plus, they never have their phones on.

Sit down with them and show them. My parents are the same way. Maybe you should teach them texting, that was easier for my parents to learn surprisingly. Ofc tell them no phones while driving.


MIL's attitude so far has been, "This is our time with our granddaughter and you don't need to interfere with it." They come to spend a day with DD and give me a day off, which is awesome, but I'm expected to be gone from the house all day and let them do whatever without having a say or knowing where my child is. I'm really uncomfortable with that.

What is fair to ask in this situation? Should I just leave it alone?

Also weird. Maybe I'm biased against in-laws but seriously this is just rude. I wouldn't even give them reasons why you need to contact them, that makes it a discussion. I'd tell them you expect to be able to contact them and even join them if you finish up early. That is a rule and it isn't up for discussion.

wellyes
05-05-2010, 11:01 AM
I can kind of understand where they're coming from.... they're saying trust us, basically.

But I wouldn't be OK with it. No way.

Just be sensitive when you talk to them about it not being an issue of you trusting them. I'd say "I insist on the ability to get in touch with any of my child's caretakers in the event of an emergency - with the child or with me & my pregnancy."

I personally do not expect my MIL to tell me what she's going to do with DD when she's watching her. But I have enough experience to trust her. Maybe they'll go to a petting zoo, or maybe they'll visit an elderly relative, or maybe they'll just hang out in the yard. I think it's fine to give her room to improvise / make last-minute decisions -- so long as I can get in touch whenever I want or need to. But of course that depends on your level of comfort with them as caregivers.

HIU8
05-05-2010, 11:03 AM
:yeahthat: If my IL's were like that neither DC would ever stay alone with them EVER.

SkyrMommy
05-05-2010, 11:07 AM
I would not be okay with someone telling me I couldn't be in my own house. I also would not be okay with any caregiver not clearing outings involving my child with me first. And I would not be okay with caregivers refusing to answer phones while they are caring for my child. Honestly any of those would mean the grandparents would not have my child alone again. So I don't think you are being unreasonable to want those things to change.

Catherine

:yeahthat: I don't think that you can expect to dictate the 'grandparent day' and it doesn't sound as though you are at all... I think for safety & peace of mind your expectations of quick updates and information is not out of line at all.
If this was my in-laws or parents they would not be having DD alone again.

hopeful_mama
05-05-2010, 12:00 PM
I agree that your in-laws' behaviour is inconsiderate and unreasonable and I'd be very uncomfortable with it. However, to me this sounds like something your DH should handle with them (or at least, the two of you as a team). Personally I'd first try getting on the same page with him, and see if he could handle it with his own parents.

dhano923
05-05-2010, 12:00 PM
What is your parent's attitude towards this? Are they also doing the same thing?

While I think they want you to trust them, I think your ILs are taking it a bit too far. Of course, if you are calling them every hour to see how DD is doing, then I can see why they are asking for some room. They did raise at least 1 child, and they must have done OK with him if you married him. LOL

I would approach it from the "if I'm running late I want to be able to let you know" instead of "I want to check in on DD". Can you offer to get them a cheap cell phone and pay for it?

I would also tell them that while you love that they take DD out and spend time with her, you really need to know where they are going in case an emergency happens. We live in earthquake country, so if my parents have the grandkid(s) and are going out, they let us know. Same thing if I have my nephew or my brother has my kids. Strong earthquakes knock out cell phone and landlines, so it's important to us to know where the kids will be in case something drastic happens.

BTW -- what is your DH's take on all this? If his parents are the "problem", so to speak, how does he feel about it? All this might be better coming from him instead of you. ILs might think you are picking on them and could affect your relationship.

elektra
05-05-2010, 12:19 PM
Another "not cool" here. I would need to be in touch. It's not asking too much.

mommylamb
05-05-2010, 01:11 PM
I agree that your in-laws' behaviour is inconsiderate and unreasonable and I'd be very uncomfortable with it. However, to me this sounds like something your DH should handle with them (or at least, the two of you as a team). Personally I'd first try getting on the same page with him, and see if he could handle it with his own parents.

:yeahthat: I think you've got to deal with your parents and your DH has to deal with his. It sounds like you've got the easier lot, as your parents at least have cell phones.

Wanting to be able to get in touch with them doesn't mean you don't trust them. What if you were in a car accident and weren't going to be home when you said you were. You need to be able to call and tell them that.

Piglet
05-05-2010, 02:14 PM
I'm kind of 'eh' on the whole thing. If this was 30 years ago, there is no way you would expect them to be on-call. Voice mail didn't exist and neither did cell phones and somehow we all communicated just fine. My MIL and FIL are like that - they don't have voice mail, caller ID, call waiting or cell phones. If you call and they are on the phone, the line is busy. If you call at supper time they sometimes don't get the phone and don't see why they have to be bothered. End of story. I can sort of appreciate the simplicity of it all. Just remember the days when you needed to carry change in your pockets for making calls at pay phones...

Dream
05-05-2010, 02:17 PM
I would not be okay with someone telling me I couldn't be in my own house. I also would not be okay with any caregiver not clearing outings involving my child with me first. And I would not be okay with caregivers refusing to answer phones while they are caring for my child. Honestly any of those would mean the grandparents would not have my child alone again. So I don't think you are being unreasonable to want those things to change.

Catherine

:yeahthat:

I want to know exactly where DD is or will be. If there plans changed I want to be informed about it.

HannaAddict
05-05-2010, 03:17 PM
:yeahthat: If my IL's were like that neither DC would ever stay alone with them EVER.

What she said! They do not have "their" time, Your child, your rules - even if they think it is ridiculous. Like others said, this is about control.

Ceepa
05-05-2010, 03:21 PM
More than once when we've left DC with ILs they have mentioned as we're heading out the door that they planned to go out with DC without mentioning destinations or other specifics. We expressed that was not OK with us.

And as pp said, any caregiver, family or otherwise, cannot elect to go "out of pocket" just because.

ewpmsw
05-05-2010, 03:24 PM
DH agrees with me but doesn't want to rock the boat with his mom. His brother bought their parents a prepaid cell for long car trips, etc. and they say it's broken and don't want to replace it. I do think it's a control issue for all of us, mostly involving myself, MIL and my Mom. I trust both sets of grandparents and wouldn't be checking in constantly - The issue is mainly that I'd like to keep the lines of communication open, just in case.

To clarify one thing: my IL's don't banish me from the house when they come (sorry if I made it sound like that). They start asking when I'm going to leave as soon as they arrive and encourage me to be gone. They're vague about their plans, which bugs me a little b/c I'd like to know where my child is. They have made it pretty clear they don't want us to sit and chat. Thanks for all the responses. :)