WWYD? Troubling problem (sorry, long story)

[MMMommy]

There has been a nagging situation that bothers me every once in a while. I think of it once in a while, then try to put it behind me.

In high school, I had a psychotic, violent and abusive boyfriend. He had a troubled childhood, and financially troubled parents who were alcoholic. When I went to college, we broke up, and he joined the Marines. He was obsessive, crazy, and thank god I broke free from him. But for some time after, he was in stalker mode, would send crazy letters, etc. He was self-destructive and talked of suicide plenty of times. Again, thankfully I am rid of him. I still fear him in the back of my mind.

So when we were dating, he had told me about how his mom was once engaged to a wealthy man. He gave her a valuable necklace. My ex's mom apparently cheated on this wealthy man with ex's dad. Ex's mom told my ex about this while drunk one night and gave my ex the necklace. She wanted my ex to have this necklace. She married my ex's dad and was bitter about the broken engagement to this wealthy man. Ex, in turn, gave me the necklace as a gift in high school. He told me to never tell his mom that he had given it to me. In high school, she had asked me if I ever knew anything about this necklace, whether her son gave it to me, etc. She obviously wanted it back. But since he had asked me to not tell her he gave it to me, I said I knew nothing about this necklace.

Flash forward to now. Every so often I think about this necklace and how I would want it to be back with his mom. I want absolutely nothing to do with my ex, his family, etc. I consider him dangerous and psychotic. I am afraid that if I somehow get this necklace back to his mom (or him), he will find me or harm me and my family. I have a Facebook friend (whose request I should have ignored) that is a mutual friend of my ex. In fact, I saw my ex on his list of friends and made sure to block my ex. This Facebook friend would probably be the only way for me to get the necklace back to ex's mom/family.

I am still scared of my ex, and I want absolutely nothing to do with him. Would you just let it be and let things lie? Or would you find some way to get this necklace back to his family? From what I know, my ex does live relatively close, which bothers me.

What would you do?

[JoyNChrist]

I would leave it alone. You don't want to open up any possible connection to this man or his family.

I would also "un-friend" the mutual connection on Facebook, just to be safe.

[Kymberley]

I would leave it alone. You don't want to open up any possible connection to this man or his family.

I would also "un-friend" the mutual connection on Facebook, just to be safe.

:yeahthat: I went through a very similiar situation, but thankfully (or not?), my ex is in prison, so no worries until he's out. Don't send it back. That's a whole can of worms you don't want opened. Toss it or pawn it if you want to be rid of it. A friend of my ex tried to friend me on facebook, and I kind of freaked out and put all of my security settings on to the max. No one can find me now, lol.

[MMMommy]

I feel guilty for having lied to his mom about the necklace and for never getting it back to her. But obviously getting it back to her would open a can of worms. I need to reconcile my own feelings of guilt, I suppose.

[B.A.F.]

Too risky. Just keep it or give it to Goodwill or something, anonymously.




There has been a nagging situation that bothers me every once in a while. I think of it once in a while, then try to put it behind me.

In high school, I had a psychotic, violent and abusive boyfriend. He had a troubled childhood, and financially troubled parents who were alcoholic. When I went to college, we broke up, and he joined the Marines. He was obsessive, crazy, and thank god I broke free from him. But for some time after, he was in stalker mode, would send crazy letters, etc. He was self-destructive and talked of suicide plenty of times. Again, thankfully I am rid of him. I still fear him in the back of my mind.

So when we were dating, he had told me about how his mom was once engaged to a wealthy man. He gave her a valuable necklace. My ex's mom apparently cheated on this wealthy man with ex's dad. Ex's mom told my ex about this while drunk one night and gave my ex the necklace. She wanted my ex to have this necklace. She married my ex's dad and was bitter about the broken engagement to this wealthy man. Ex, in turn, gave me the necklace as a gift in high school. He told me to never tell his mom that he had given it to me. In high school, she had asked me if I ever knew anything about this necklace, whether her son gave it to me, etc. She obviously wanted it back. But since he had asked me to not tell her he gave it to me, I said I knew nothing about this necklace.

Flash forward to now. Every so often I think about this necklace and how I would want it to be back with his mom. I want absolutely nothing to do with my ex, his family, etc. I consider him dangerous and psychotic. I am afraid that if I somehow get this necklace back to his mom (or him), he will find me or harm me and my family. I have a Facebook friend (whose request I should have ignored) that is a mutual friend of my ex. In fact, I saw my ex on his list of friends and made sure to block my ex. This Facebook friend would probably be the only way for me to get the necklace back to ex's mom/family.

I am still scared of my ex, and I want absolutely nothing to do with him. Would you just let it be and let things lie? Or would you find some way to get this necklace back to his family? From what I know, my ex does live relatively close, which bothers me.

What would you do?

[teedeedee]

I would leave it alone. You don't want to open up any possible connection to this man or his family.

I would also "un-friend" the mutual connection on Facebook, just to be safe.

Exactly what I was thinking. I would take absolutely no risks with my family. No mutual friends- nothing.

If you *really really* feel the need to return the necklace, mail it to a friend in a complete different part of the country- and have her mail it anonymously to ex's mom from that location. But, I'd probably just let it be. Because even the necklace being returned could set your ex off. You never know with unstable people.

[B.A.F.]

I feel guilty for having lied to his mom about the necklace and for never getting it back to her. But obviously getting it back to her would open a can of worms. I need to reconcile my own feelings of guilt, I suppose.

Who then gave it to you, so it was a gift to YOU. It is technically yours now, as much as it was ever hers (she didn't buy it or make it, etc.). So you lied, what's done is done. Better to feel badly about lying in the past then destroying your family's life in the future.

[TwinFoxes]

I would leave it alone. You don't want to open up any possible connection to this man or his family.

I would also "un-friend" the mutual connection on Facebook, just to be safe.

Exactly what I was going to post, including the unfriending part. I have a crazy ex, and pre-emptively blocked a mutual acquaintance that showed up on my friends' list. I want no connection.


Who then gave it to you, so it was a gift to YOU. It is technically yours now, as much as it was ever hers (she didn't buy it or make it, etc.). So you lied, what's done is done. Better to feel badly about lying in the past then destroying your family's life in the future.

This too. The punishment for lying as a teenager shouldn't be getting stalked as an adult.

ETA: Something tells me the necklace isn't worth all that much, I don't know why I think that. The whole story could be made up..."see how your dad ruined my life? I had a rich man who gave me this expensive necklace...boo hoo I'm a victim."

[american_mama]

I don't have experience with this kind of ex or his family, but I wondered if returning it to her via the police in her town might be an option.

If you care to, you could find out if it is valuable, sell it and then donate the money (anonymously if you wish) to an organization that deals with alcoholism treatment, or spouse/partner abuse programs, whatever. It would free you of the item and its memories, and turn it into something that might help people in a similar situation.

[PearlsMom]

If you care to, you could find out if it is valuable, sell it and then donate the money (anonymously if you wish) to an organization that deals with alcoholism treatment, or spouse/partner abuse programs, whatever. It would free you of the item and its memories, and turn it into something that might help people in a similar situation.

Wow, I think this would be a really poetic way to deal with the situation. The necklace is unquestionably yours, so there's no need to give it back, but if you just want to be done with it and all that it reminds you of, this would be a great way to do so.

[niccig]

If you care to, you could find out if it is valuable, sell it and then donate the money (anonymously if you wish) to an organization that deals with alcoholism treatment, or spouse/partner abuse programs, whatever. It would free you of the item and its memories, and turn it into something that might help people in a similar situation.

I like this idea. It's out of your possession, so it is no longer a reminder and it helps out others.

[Globetrotter]

If you care to, you could find out if it is valuable, sell it and then donate the money (anonymously if you wish) to an organization that deals with alcoholism treatment, or spouse/partner abuse programs, whatever. It would free you of the item and its memories, and turn it into something that might help people in a similar situation.

What a lovely idea. OP, whatever you do, do not get involved with the family again. It's not worth it!

[kransden]

I don't really believe that was his necklace to give you. I also had a crazy boyfriend, so I know you can't give it back to the mom without endangering yourself and your family. I think the mom would throw it in his face about lying when she got it. Then he would lose it, after all he knows where it came from! I also understand that you don't want to keep it, and I know why she wants it back.

This is my advice. I think the necklace would not bring her happiness, but bitterness. You would not be doing ANYONE any good by sending her the necklace. I would find someone to sell the necklace to and anonymously send her money via a cashier's check. Someone, including myself, would let you send the check to us and we would forward it on. Then it is gone out of your life and she got the money.

[ezcc]

I think I would take it to a jeweler and find out its worth. If it is worth thousands of dollars I think I would sell it and send the $ to the mom as suggested. If it is worth less than that I would sell it and donate the $ somewhere.

[MMMommy]

Someone, including myself, would let you send the check to us and we would forward it on. Then it is gone out of your life and she got the money.

This really touched me. I just wanted to thank you for your kind words.

And thank you posters for your advice and support. I really appreciate it.

[sste]

For things like this, we would ask our family attorney or even accountant to handle it ANONYMOUSLY for us - - that is without, mentioning our names. And to communicate to the mother on our behalf that we would like for her not to mention the return of the necklace to her son. While we wish everyone well, we are not comfortable with any further contact.

Sometimes that little layer of formality of a professional intermediary keeps things controlled.

[HannaAddict]

This is water under the bridge. Let it go. There is no way to return a necklace to this woman, police or otherwise, without her telling your ex. He knows he gave it to you and you will be back on his radar. Sending money may or may not cause her to wonder why the heck she is getting a check. Get rid of the necklace, if it is worth anything I likenthebidea of donating the proceeds. Odds are it isn't worth much, even "real" jewelry is seldom worth much when sold. Unfriend mutual friend and go forward. Your guilt is yours to deal with, but I wouldn't feel too badly since you were only a teenager and probably under some level of control by the abusive ex. Let it go.

[HannaAddict]

For things like this, we would ask our family attorney or even accountant to handle it ANONYMOUSLY for us - - that is without, mentioning our names. And to communicate to the mother on our behalf that we would like for her not to mention the return of the necklace to her son. While we wish everyone well, we are not comfortable with any further contact.

Sometimes that little layer of formality of a professional intermediary keeps things controlled.

Even the formality of a restraining order doesn't stop many stalkers. I can't imagine spending several hundred dollars for preparation of the letter, etc. based on these facts. I don't think there is a snowballs chance in he double hockey sticks that the mo
would not tell her son. The phrase no good deed goes unpunished comes to mind. I'm a lawyer but it really isn't a legal matter at this point.

[sste]

Hmmm . . . our family attorney/accountant has done things like this for us as a courtesy/part of their annual services to us or very cheaply. Maybe that is atypical?

I guess it depends on the degree to which you think this ex is presently dangerous. I tend to think if many years have gone by with no contact there may not be very different odds between: 1) the person contacts you because the necklace is returned; and 2) the person turns up or contacts you at some point wanting the necklace back!

[vludmilla]

I understand you feel guilty but the way you describe things, I would not return it simply because of the possible risks. I wouldn't want to remind this guy of you or anger him in any way. As far as you know, he's forgotten about it.

[kristenk]

Okay, to summarize to make sure that I followed:

XMom (best name I could come up with) gave necklace to her son aka your ex boyfriend.
Ex gave necklace to you.
You lied when XMom asked if you knew anything about the necklace.

You shouldn't have lied when XMom asked you about it, but what else could you do when abusive Ex told you not to tell? I think you need to cut your younger self a little bit of slack here.

There is no reason to keep the necklace in your possession. It does not give you good feelings or remind you of good times. It just reminds you of abusive ex and the lie you told to XMom.

Either sell the necklace and donate the money somewhere or find a local charity in your current town and donate the necklace itself. Personally, I'd donate the necklace and be done with it.

I really feel that *NOTHING* good will come of involving XMom in any way.

And I agree that you should unfriend the mutual facebook friend.

[ewpmsw]

I would leave it alone. You don't want to open up any possible connection to this man or his family.

I would also "un-friend" the mutual connection on Facebook, just to be safe.

:yeahthat: And I'd get rid of the necklace so that the matter was resolved and needed no further resolution.

[TwinFoxes]

This is my advice. I think the necklace would not bring her happiness, but bitterness. You would not be doing ANYONE any good by sending her the necklace. I would find someone to sell the necklace to and anonymously send her money via a cashier's check. Someone, including myself, would let you send the check to us and we would forward it on. Then it is gone out of your life and she got the money.

I like this solution.

ETA: or, if the necklace isn't very expensive, send her a check, but keep the necklace in case crazy ex comes looking for it.

Yikes, what a mess.