I just did something soooooo difficult....

[pinkmomagain]

but it was the right thing to do.

My dd2 is in 5th grade and at recess she hangs out with a little group of sweet kids 2 other girls and a boy. She always tells me about recess, well, probably cause I ask her all the time. She can be socially awkward and I always want to make sure things are OK in that department. From time to time she has told me how the boy has been bullied by others (not in her presence) and he has cried to my daughter's group of friends about it. This little group tries to rally around him and cheer him up. According to dd, they are successful, at least during the short period they see him during recess.

I've always commended my dd for being a good friend to him, but I've never contacted the school about it. Probably because I didn't feel it was my place (wasn't my kid and my kid did not even witness the actual bullying). But....when she told me about today's incident of him crying, she said that he said that he wanted to kill himself. UGH! She said they talked with him and cheered him up and then played for the rest of recess, but this sat on my shoulders heavy and hard. She told me at like 7pm. So the first thing I did was email the principal saying that I needed to talk to her about a bullying incident. I knew that wasn't enough....but I'm not very ballsy and was really not up to the task of what I knew was necessary....calling his mom. I called my sister for moral support and she pushed me out of my comfort zone to call. I looked up her number and made the tough call. I know her simply from a mommy & me group way back when...the person you would smile and say hello at at the grocery store, but not much else. I started with saying how much dd enjoys playing with her son and she didn't even know that they were friendly. Most of the conversation was about the bullying that dd has heard about but not witnessed. The mom knew about the bullying because much of it has been in the form of emails. I told her I wanted to make sure that she knew that he's been crying from time to time about it. That I've reached out to the principal to make sure she knows what's going on. The mom seemed appreciative. And then towards the end of the conversation, I squeezed in that I wanted her to know how deeply it seems to be impacting him because he mentioned today that he wanted to kill himself. At that point, I think it hit her hard...she seemed quick to get off the phone. I asked her to please not mention that it was I who called, as I didn't want it to impact dd's friendship with her son. She said she would keep it anonymous.

OK. So dd knows I emailed the principal. Do you think I should tell her that I called the mom? She came to me just before and hugged me and said she was worried about her friend. I'm hesitant to tell her because she is one to spill the beans really easily and I'm afraid if he confronted her she wouldn't be able to keep it in if she knew I called. And since she is already socially awkward, I don't want to rock the boat amongst her and her friends.
What do you think?

Thanks for reading this looooooooooooooong post. I'm just a bundle of nerves right now....

[Kymberley]

I don't have the answer to your question, but I want to say you're a great mama and I'm so glad you called the mother. :hug: to you and your DD.

[SkyrMommy]

First, you are an amazing mama for taking the time & reaching out to that mom. I'm sure even though the conversation was hard for the both of you - it will help that little boy.

I don't think that you should tell DD, ask yourself why? Why does she need to know? She knows that you are a safe person to come to with problems, she knows that you've contacted the principal for help... does more information make any difference at this point? And if anything it sounds like if she did know she might not be in a position to support her friend in the future.

:hug:

[LMPC]

My answer to your question as to whether or not to tell DD that you spoke to her friend's mom is.....yes. I think this is an important teaching moment. You made the decision as a parent and adult that someone needed to be kept safe from harm. That's what you were doing (IMHO) by calling the mom. You weren't "spilling the beans" at all. This was not a trivial matter. I think your DD will understand that point if it is made. By calling his mom, you are helping even more people support him and keep him safe.

But what a tough tough situation! You did a nice thing tonight -- I hope if my DD is ever so desperate as that little boy that she has friends with moms as strong as you! :hug:

[jacksmomtobe]

I think you totally did the right thing. You sent an important message to your daughter that this type of bullying behavior cannot be ignored. I think I would tell her that you called the Mom. I would explain to her that the situation has become very serious and that you wanted to make sure that her friend could get support at home. Hopefully his statement was a cry for help and now he will get that help from adults. I think in the end the friend will know that she told an adult because she wanted to help him and didn't know what to do. I'm glad that you and your daughter have the type of relationship that lets her be able to tell you that things like this are going on. It's so sad to think that things like this go on so young. :(

[sunshine873]

I can only imagine what a tough decision that was, but :applause: Good for you.

I'm sure it was tough for him mom to hear, but I sure would want to know if it were my DC saying those kinds of things. Better now, then when it's too late - God forbid.

I think you should tell your daughter that you called his mom. First of all, if she's concerned, then it might be comforting to know that his mom is aware of the troubles. Second, it's an example to her of how to be a good friend & a good citizen.

Just my 2 cents.

[Indianamom2]

Oh wow...how incredibly sad and difficult. I think you absolutely did the right thing, both in talking to the principal and calling this little boy's mom. Who knows....you and your daughter might have changed/saved his life.

I'm torn, because I get the somewhat awkward daughter angle, even though my DD is younger. I think I would let her know that I let the principal know what was going on but maybe leave it at that. This is a tough call, but I really commend you for what you did.

[Green_Tea]

I speak from the perspective of someone who had a tremendously needy and emotionally fragile best friend from 6th through 12th grade. It's hard work being a friend to someone like that, though it can be wonderful as well. I think that your daughter (who sounds truly lovely) is already shouldering a tremendous emotional load. I think that telling her that you called the mom might add to that load in a way that is not helpful. I would not mention it for now. If it comes up again or she asks if you called, however, I would be upfront and honest.

You made the right call by contacting the mom. Nice work, mama :heartbeat:.

[KpbS]

Oh wow...how incredibly sad and difficult. I think you absolutely did the right thing, both in talking to the principal and calling this little boy's mom. Who knows....you and your daughter might have changed/saved his life.

I'm torn, because I get the somewhat awkward daughter angle, even though my DD is younger. I think I would let her know that I let the principal know what was going on but maybe leave it at that. This is a tough call, but I really commend you for what you did.

:yeahthat: I agree. You are awesome for making those difficult calls. If I were that mom, I could not begin to thank you enough, seriously. I wouldn't rule out telling your DD but I wouldn't tell her now. See if things settle down and hopefully they will improve. Big hugs :hug:

[marge234]

My answer to your question as to whether or not to tell DD that you spoke to her friend's mom is.....yes. I think this is an important teaching moment. You made the decision as a parent and adult that someone needed to be kept safe from harm. That's what you were doing (IMHO) by calling the mom. You weren't "spilling the beans" at all. This was not a trivial matter. I think your DD will understand that point if it is made. By calling his mom, you are helping even more people support him and keep him safe.

But what a tough tough situation! You did a nice thing tonight -- I hope if my DD is ever so desperate as that little boy that she has friends with moms as strong as you! :hug:


I think you totally did the right thing. You sent an important message to your daughter that this type of bullying behavior cannot be ignored. I think I would tell her that you called the Mom. I would explain to her that the situation has become very serious and that you wanted to make sure that her friend could get support at home. Hopefully his statement was a cry for help and now he will get that help from adults. I think in the end the friend will know that she told an adult because she wanted to help him and didn't know what to do. I'm glad that you and your daughter have the type of relationship that lets her be able to tell you that things like this are going on. It's so sad to think that things like this go on so young. :(

:yeahthat: If more people behaved as you did tonight the world would be a much better place. Good for you!

[TwinFoxes]

Good for you for making that call. Especially since it was outside your comfort zone :hug:

I don't have any worthwhile advice. I just wanted to give you a :thumbsup:

[TonFirst]

Wow. Kudos to you for stepping in. Did you tell the principal about the suicide mention? That is VERY alarming and any mention of suicide should always be taken absolutely seriously by parents, teachers, principals, whoever.

[bubbaray]

What a tough call, but I think you did the right thing. I might wait and see how it plays out with your DD over the next couple of days.

Good luck and keep us updated. P&PT for the family. How horrible. :grouphug:

[wencit]

Just want to give you some moral support and :hug:s. It must have been an awfully difficult decision for you, but the right thing to do. Bullying a terrible thing to happen and has been on the forefront of my mind recently because there are a couple cases right now in our area about teens who committed suicide as a result of them being bullied. Bullying is awful, it's degrading, demeaning, and demoralizing, and I'm glad you had the strength to step in to hopefully put an end to it.

Thank you for being a great example to your daughter. I hope she remembers this when she is older and realizes what a terrific, strong role model she has for a mother.

[fivi2]

I speak from the perspective of someone who had a tremendously needy and emotionally fragile best friend from 6th through 12th grade. It's hard work being a friend to someone like that, though it can be wonderful as well. I think that your daughter (who sounds truly lovely) is already shouldering a tremendous emotional load. I think that telling her that you called the mom might add to that load in a way that is not helpful. I would not mention it for now. If it comes up again or she asks if you called, however, I would be upfront and honest.

You made the right call by contacting the mom. Nice work, mama :heartbeat:.

ITA with the part I bolded. I think you did a great thing, and so did your daughter. But I also think this is too big to be on her. So I would just tell her that she did the right thing by telling a grown up and that you will talk to other grown ups about it. Of course she will still be concerned about her friend, but I would not involve her in the ins and outs of what the adults decide to do at this point. She did what she needed to do, now it is up to the adults. (my girls are younger, but I have nephews about that age).

eta: to be clear, I wouldn't lie to her about it, I would just try to tell her that you will discuss it with the appropriate adults.

[Globetrotter]

Wow, I commend you for doing the right thing.

I agree not to tell your dd the details, as long as she knows SHE did the right thing when she told you and that you are taking it seriously and doing something about it.

What a frightening situation :hug:

[cchavez]

Kudos to you for doing the RIGHT thing!

[noodle]

Wow. I am so impressed with you and so thankful that you called. Your post made me cry.
I have a 5th grade child who I am lucky enough told me when he was being teased at school, but I was a child who did not tell my parents when I was tormented in junior high. Had a friend's parent called my mom or the principal, I would have been eternally grateful.
As for your DD (bless her heart), you know her best, and if your gut says not to volunteer that information, then don't. Unless, of course, she asks, and then I think you have to be honest with her.
:hug:

[JustMe]

ITA with the part I bolded. I think you did a great thing, and so did your daughter. But I also think this is too big to be on her. So I would just tell her that she did the right thing by telling a grown up and that you will talk to other grown ups about it. Of course she will still be concerned about her friend, but I would not involve her in the ins and outs of what the adults decide to do at this point. She did what she needed to do, now it is up to the adults. (my girls are younger, but I have nephews about that age).

eta: to be clear, I wouldn't lie to her about it, I would just try to tell her that you will discuss it with the appropriate adults.


I agree with this, except I would lean towards telling her that you called his mom. I could almost go either way on that part, but feel it is important that she knows things are now in his mom's hands and that she is responsible for taking care of him. Although I think the most important thing is that she does not need to worry what she needs to do for the boy (which is accomplished either way), I think she needs to understand that you let the important adults who are responsible for helping with this situation know...and his mother is cretainly one of those...I think its important that she also does not worry that you need to do something or blame you if things don't go as they should.

[sariana]

:grouphug:

What a difficult thing to have to do. I agree with those who said you should go ahead and tell your daughter. She did the right thing, and so did you.

Years ago I was teaching 7th grade. I had a boy who could be described as socially awkward. A particular group of girls gave him grief. One day he made a comment under his breath that he wanted to kill himself. (I didn't actually hear him say it, but he said he did. That's a different story.)

The next day he was absent, and I couldn't reach his home by phone. So I contacted our school's security, and they went to the boy's home. Turns out his mom was sick, and he had stayed home to care for her. When he returned to school the next day, he THANKED me for caring enough to check on him. How many 7th-grade boys would do that? But it sure did validate my actions.

Keep it simple. Let your daughter know that you spoke to his mom and that she did the right thing by coming to you. Leave it at that.

You have a wonderful daughter, by the way, but I'm sure you already knew that.

[JoyNChrist]

I agree not to tell your dd the details, as long as she knows SHE did the right thing when she told you and that you are taking it seriously and doing something about it.

I would also leave out the details unless she questions you further (in which case, I would of course be honest). The important thing is that she knows that she did the right thing and that it's being handled by adults now and is not her responsibility.

Way to go mama! You should be very proud of yourself - I can't imagine being in the other mama's shoes, but I know that I would be so grateful that you were concerned for my child. :hug:

[MontrealMum]

Way to go mama...you did the right thing even if it was hard :bighand:

I honestly don't know about telling your daughter more. You know her best as others have said, and I might be inclined to wait and see for a few days. When I was the same age one of my classmates' parents got caught up in quite a big scandal (for our small town). My mom knew all about it, but chose not to tell me because she thought it would affect my relationship with the DD. Some know-it-all mean girl types put the story all over school after a while and made her pretty uncomfortable, but because I'd been sheltered I think I was able to be a better friend than if I'd known. I was just too young to understand the whole thing. Sorry, long tangent there :)

Like I said, listen to your DD, see how things are handled for the boy, and address her concerns as needed - because it could go both ways, she might feel odd around the boy or uncomfortable to tell you stuff if she "knows", but by not telling her that help is coming for her friend, she might be carrying a burden too. I'd watch her carefully to see if she's leaning one way or the other and make my decision :hug: But certainly use this as a teaching moment to let her know that she did the right thing by going to an adult.

[SammyeGail]

ITA with the part I bolded. I think you did a great thing, and so did your daughter. But I also think this is too big to be on her. So I would just tell her that she did the right thing by telling a grown up and that you will talk to other grown ups about it. Of course she will still be concerned about her friend, but I would not involve her in the ins and outs of what the adults decide to do at this point. She did what she needed to do, now it is up to the adults. (my girls are younger, but I have nephews about that age).

eta: to be clear, I wouldn't lie to her about it, I would just try to tell her that you will discuss it with the appropriate adults.

I agree with this. I would reassure her that as a grown-up when you hear things like that you are very, very concerned and contacted other grown-ups about it. You would never want to see her friend hurt himself, you did it because you care about him. As another PP said, you know your DD best, you know what to tell her, what the limit is. If her knowing that his mother knows he said it gives her alot of comfort, tell her you called. I truly hope your DD's friend and his mother have a great relationship and she is open to getting him the help he needs.

I highly commend you for what you did and my heart breaks for you. My heart breaks for that poor boys sweet soul. I thank you for what you did, I hope he has a great mom who will find him some counseling (even if he said it in extreme distress, he needs to learn how to deal with this bullying, self esteem, etc) or at least the school counselor can reach out to him. I had no self-esteem in 5th grade, (I was small, looked 2 years younger than everyone else, was an easy target) the counselor started helping me alot but then she got a promotion, can't really remember.

I will never forget the time these girls called and said they were coming over to beat me up. My Dad walked in the room and could see I was upset, he asked who was on the phone. I covered up the speaker and told him. He said to tell he said to come on over, he'll bake some cookies and we'll have tea party. It made me laugh and feel better. I confidently told them to come on over to 'beat me up', my Dad said he's going to make cookies and we'll have a tea party afterwards. They were thrown off a bit, still making threats, I would just say 'oh, ok, well, when are you going to come over and do it? Don't forget the tea party afterwards' LOL. They never showed and never bothered me again after that.

Thank you again for what you did, I know it was hard. You are a wonderful woman and mother.

As for your DD, I believe she is beyond outstanding, caring, loving, compassionate, a wonderful child you have there. I warms my heart to know there are children like your DD out there making this world a better place :grouphug:

[heatherlynn]

I see both sides to telling her and I can't decide which would be best. I think you'd probably be fine either way. I do just want to give you snaps for calling the mom. That took courage and integrity. :bowdown:

[egoldber]

First, kudos to you. If I was the mom of that boy, I would be grateful even if it is hard to hear. I can't tell you how often things have been brought to my attention by the parents of others kids because so often my own kid does not tell me things that happen at school.


ITA with the part I bolded. I think you did a great thing, and so did your daughter. But I also think this is too big to be on her. So I would just tell her that she did the right thing by telling a grown up and that you will talk to other grown ups about it. Of course she will still be concerned about her friend, but I would not involve her in the ins and outs of what the adults decide to do at this point. She did what she needed to do, now it is up to the adults. (my girls are younger, but I have nephews about that age).

I agree with this. I would perhaps mention who you have contacted (the mom and the principal) but I wouldn't go any farther than that. Especially because I think this is the DD with anxiety? As you know, many kids with anxiety feel like the weight of the world is on them and they are like mini-adults in their worries. I think taking that burden of responsibility from her is a good thing. :hug:

[pinkmomagain]

Thanks for all of your kind words and support. To update a little, early this am I put a call into the school and left a message that I needed to talk to the principal. She finally called me at about lunchtime and apologized for not calling sooner but her morning was very busy and she intimated that it was in regards to this issue. I can only assume that the boys mom contacted her straight away and made a huge deal about it (good!). I could tell that the principal did not want to talk about it nor get into any details at all -- which I understand, and quite honestly I feel no need to know the details either. I just explained that I was concerned, I was put in a difficult position last nite, and was calling to make sure that the adults in charge at school were aware of the severity of the situation and were addressing it accordingly. According to dd, there were several girls crying at school today and the rumor amongst the students were that they were called down to the office and severely reprimanded. DD said that the possibility of driving this child to consider suicide was talked about.

As for dd, I decided not to mention my conversation with the boy's mom, unless it becomes necessary....basically to save her from being nervous or having to navigate a socially tricky situation with her friends. She said that the boy was at school today but not at recess due to music instruction. So the real test will be tomorrow if she sees him at recess and he says anything.

Again, thanks for the kind words. I actually feel guilty for waiting the hour I did to get up my nerve and not calling sooner. DD is a real puzzle wrapped in an enigma...I have learned so much just by raising her, and she is very kind and caring. My oldest too has stood up to bullies on behalf of several different classmates. I feel like I've had very little to do with that and it comes from within them...but I like to think that I do have something to do with the good relationships I have with my girls enabling them to feel that they can to talk to me about almost anything.