Please tell me how 'timeout' works in your house...

[jgenie]

DS1 is 26 months and really starting to test the boundaries. I'm trying to get ideas on what works and what doesn't because we need to start implementing something here.

- What age did you start timeouts?

- Do you have a special place where they take place or just wherever you direct them in the moment?

- Do you threaten (I don't like the sound of that but I can't think of the correct word) timeouts if they are doing something they shouldn't? Ex. No pulling on the drapes - continues to pull on drapes - do you want to go to timeout?

- Do you do first offense warning - second offense timeout? Ex. No pulling mommy's hair - timeout if it happens again?

- Do you use 'one minute for each year'?

- Are there actions that require an automatic timeout bypassing any warning? What are they?

- If you don't use timeout - what method do you use? Will you share how it works?

TIA

[Katigre]

We do not use time-out in the way you describe. The times we use it is when one of our kids is throwing a fit and won't calm down - then we put them someplace like the bed and they can come out once they're calm. I usually try to stay and help them get calm but if that doesn't work I leave and they calm down within a few minutes. I do a lot of proactive teaching on how to calm down as well but sometimes they just need to be removed from the situation to get some space.

Generally speaking, my 'method' at age 2 is a lot of GOYB parenting and find that extremely effective with both my children (who have very different personalities). I don't think that traditional time-out in the way you describe (threatened as a punishment for not doing what you say) is the best way to discipline or the most effective way to help a child internalize good behavior. I think it helps the parent feel like they're 'doing something' about defiance or disobedience, but there are better tactics to take that more effectively teach boundaries and how to behave well.

Here is a link to GOYB: http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=54

[bubbaray]

- What age did you start timeouts? Age 2. Happy Birthday, LOL.

- Do you have a special place where they take place or just wherever you direct them in the moment? Time outs are on the stairs from the kitchen/family room to our 2nd floor. Very central area. FLAGRANT "violations" of time out warrant a time out in the bedroom, but we dont' start that until around age 3.5

- Do you threaten (I don't like the sound of that but I can't think of the correct word) timeouts if they are doing something they shouldn't? Ex. No pulling on the drapes - continues to pull on drapes - do you want to go to timeout? Yes, we do. I also use 1, 2, 3.

- Do you do first offense warning - second offense timeout? Ex. No pulling mommy's hair - timeout if it happens again? Generally, I use 1, 2, 3.

- Do you use 'one minute for each year'? Yes

- Are there actions that require an automatic timeout bypassing any warning? What are they? Hurting the dog in any way (other than clearly accidental).

[JoyNChrist]

- What age did you start timeouts? around 2 years...might have been a few months before or after

- Do you have a special place where they take place or just wherever you direct them in the moment? In the beginning we used a playpen that was set up in our dining room. Now DS gets sent to his room.

- Do you threaten (I don't like the sound of that but I can't think of the correct word) timeouts if they are doing something they shouldn't? Ex. No pulling on the drapes - continues to pull on drapes - do you want to go to timeout? We use 1-2-3. If I get to 3, he gets a timeout.

- Do you do first offense warning - second offense timeout? Ex. No pulling mommy's hair - timeout if it happens again? If it's for something new I'll give a warning. If it's something he knows he's not supposed to do, I just use 1-2-3.

- Do you use 'one minute for each year'? Yes.

- Are there actions that require an automatic timeout bypassing any warning? What are they? Anything violent (kicking, hitting, biting) gets an automatic timeout. Anything super dangerous (playing with the stove knobs, unbuckling himself in the carseat, etc) gets a spanking (yes, we spank occasionally, but we reserve it for very serious stuff).

I've been amazed at how well 1-2-3 and timeouts work for us. I think the key is consistency. I very rarely get to 3 anymore, and I get compliments all the time on how well-behaved DS is. I think part of that is just luck, but I think a lot of it is also the clear rules and consequences.

[Katigre]

I think the key is consistency...but I think a lot of it is also the clear rules and consequences.
YES - this exactly. Repetition is key for them to learn. If the parent is consistent with the boundaries and follow-through, then the child will generally listen better too. Time-out/GOYB/spanking aren't the 'magic key' so much as just day-in-day-out consistency in meaning what you say, doing what you said you would do, and setting up parameters that are clearly communicated to your child and enforced all the time (along with being age-appropriate and sensitive to your child's particular personality and needs).

[TwinFoxes]

I'll be watching this thread, because the girls are really starting to test boundaries a lot. They've never really been hurt that much, so saying it will hurt means nothing to them. Like when they try to climb onto the dining room table - not a time out offense - which is counter height, they don't get that falling off would "hurt".

Right now we do time outs for two things, hitting, or pushing one another really hard. And, like Melissa, hurting the dogs Especially after we correct/redirect, and they grin and stare right at us as they repeat the behavior (poor doggies!) Our poodle's fluffy white tail and our boxer's floppy ears are attractive nuisances I'm afraid. Time out has been in their crib with all toys removed. But S couldn't care less. We went in after her last time out, and she was standing their smiling wide. I think we may change it to a tiny sliver of hallway leading to the bathroom. It will fit a little chair.

[wendibird22]

I think we started this around 30mos. We use a chair in our living room so we can see her and she can see us but is out of the main area of play/interaction. If we ask her to do something and she doesn't or says no or starts a tantrum, I'll tell her that mommy is going to count to 3 and if I get to 3 she has to go to time out. I then ask her, what happens when I get to 3? This helps me to know that she understands what I'm asking her and the consequences. I then start counting. In the beginning I usually made it to 3 and a short timeout followed. But now, she'll usually do what she's asked by the time I get to 2. For the timeout I don't always use a set time. We usually tell her when she's ready to do "xyz" or when she calms down then she can come out of timeout. Sometimes she calms down quick and is ready to do what I asked (like put a toy away) and so I don't want her to sit there longer than she needs to, but other times she's there 3 or 4 minutes because she needs that time to collect herself and decide she's ready to listen.

[doberbrat]

- What age did you start timeouts? at 2

- Do you have a special place where they take place or just wherever you direct them in the moment? in a corner - facing out (not facing the wall) . great thing about corners- there are Always corners no matter where you are.

- Do you threaten (I don't like the sound of that but I can't think of the correct word) timeouts if they are doing something they shouldn't? Ex. No pulling on the drapes - continues to pull on drapes - do you want to go to timeout? nope, I dont threaten, I promise. *LOL* we do count to 3 and give her a chance to comply but the expectation of behavior is put out there once. and I'm careful to never put something out there that I wont follow through on . If I say you're loosing TV for tomorrow, you are. no matter how painful for me. (I work from home alot) If I take your storytime away, its done, no matter how sad it makes me. thats really important.

- Do you do first offense warning - second offense timeout? Ex. No pulling mommy's hair - timeout if it happens again? in the beginning we did to be fair so she knew the expectations but no more. We'd say, if you do that again, you're going to the corner. Or, if I get to 3, you're going to the corner.

- Do you use 'one minute for each year'? ehh, not really. we wait till she's calm/quiet before she can come out

- Are there actions that require an automatic timeout bypassing any warning? What are they? now, most things dont get a warning. she's 4. she knows not to hit, throw things etc.

- If you don't use timeout - what method do you use? Will you share how it works?
we use the corner AND a different 'go to her bed'. the bed is a 'go pull yourself together, come back when you are ready to change your behavior, comply etc'.

so if she's whining about not liking dinner, or playing when shes' supposed to be doing something, its go to your bed till you're ready to do X. When she's ready, she can come back. On her bed, she can sit, lay down, play or read a book but she must be on her bed. temper tantrums get sent to the bed.


I agree that consistency is key. also consistency between you and your spouse. and we have a no double jeapordy - so if she gets sent to the corner, we dont ALSO take away TV (or vice versa).

[brittone2]

We do not use time-out in the way you describe. The times we use it is when one of our kids is throwing a fit and won't calm down - then we put them someplace like the bed and they can come out once they're calm. I usually try to stay and help them get calm but if that doesn't work I leave and they calm down within a few minutes. I do a lot of proactive teaching on how to calm down as well but sometimes they just need to be removed from the situation to get some space.

Generally speaking, my 'method' at age 2 is a lot of GOYB parenting and find that extremely effective with both my children (who have very different personalities). I don't think that traditional time-out in the way you describe (threatened as a punishment for not doing what you say) is the best way to discipline or the most effective way to help a child internalize good behavior. I think it helps the parent feel like they're 'doing something' about defiance or disobedience, but there are better tactics to take that more effectively teach boundaries and how to behave well.

Here is a link to GOYB: http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=54
:yeahthat:

[Moneypenny]

We started younger than 2 years old, but we do it a little differently. Rather than a "time out", we call it "take a break" and we used it (still do, albeit very rarely), when DD was not able to follow a rule (i.e. she wanted to throw the toy airplane across the room). We would explain the rule (no throwing airplanes in the house) and if she did it again, we'd ask if she needed to take a break to help her stop throwing the airplane. If she said no and threw it again anyway, we'd just say, "You're having trouble with this so let's put the airplane away for now and take a break to calm down".

She has a choice of taking a break sitting by herself or sitting with DH or I. We don't have a time limit, but rather she tells us when she feels she's ready to try again. She then has a choice of trying the same thing again or moving on to something else.

We try to frame it to be more about helping her to behave appropriately than about punishing her for behaving incorrectly, if that makes sense. She was extremely sensitive when she was younger and any thought that she had upset us was devastating to her (and would just prolong the situation because then we had to comfort and reassure her for many many minutes), so putting a positive spin on it worked more effectively for her.

ETA: I wanted to add that as DD got older (by around 2.5 or 3, I think) she would actually ask to take a break when she could fell herself having trouble with something. I distinctly remember the time she was helping me bake cookies and tossed the flour on the floor a couple of times. I was in the midst of asking her what was going on, and in her little toddler voice she said, "Tell me it's time to take a break, mama. I can't stop my hands from doing this!"

[hillview]

- What age did you start timeouts?
2.5

- Do you have a special place where they take place or just wherever you direct them in the moment?
Naughty step for DS2; room or naughty step for DS1

- Do you threaten (I don't like the sound of that but I can't think of the correct word) timeouts if they are doing something they shouldn't? Ex. No pulling on the drapes - continues to pull on drapes - do you want to go to timeout?
I do for DS1 not for DS2.

- Do you do first offense warning - second offense timeout? Ex. No pulling mommy's hair - timeout if it happens again?
Time outs in our house are ONLY for when you hit or are getting WAY too carried away and cannot control your anger

- Do you use 'one minute for each year'?
No it is really just a quick break. DS1 goes up to his room on his own and has to close his door and can come down as soon as he is ready to apologize and make amends (give a toy or hug DS2). He is usually very good at this and sometimes stays upstairs for 5 seconds and sometimes 15 mins. DS2 sits on the naughty step and can get up when he is ready to apologize/make amends. He is 50/50 if he does it without someone making him sit down several times before he is ready to apologize.

- Are there actions that require an automatic timeout bypassing any warning? What are they?
Hitting (or biting, hair pulling each other etc).

We go days with no time out and then might have a day with 5 in a row.

HTH
/hillary

[JoyNChrist]

I distinctly remember the time she was helping me bake cookies and tossed the flour on the floor a couple of times. I was in the midst of asking her what was going on, and in her little toddler voice she said, "Tell me it's time to take a break, mama. I can't stop my hands from doing this!"

That is just precious.

[newg]

Don't mean to steal OP's thread, but I have my own related question.

How did you start "time-outs" or "take a break"........so that your DC realizes that sitting in a chair/corner/step is not a game, but a consequense for breaking a rule?

When DD is trying to hurt the dogs, throwing things/bitting.... I try to sit her in a chair until she calms down and is ready to do something else, but she thinks it's a game and she laughs and giggles, thinking we are playing. If I hold her in my lap, it's a wrestling match, and at 24 weeks preggo I am slowly loosing any lap I still have!!

Thanks!

[JoyNChrist]

How did you start "time-outs" or "take a break"........so that your DC realizes that sitting in a chair/corner/step is not a game, but a consequense for breaking a rule?

That's why we started using the playpen.

I think the key to timeouts is removing your attention from the child (that's the actual "punishment"). You know...letting them know that they aren't going to get your attention if they don't act right. So with DS, trying to make him stay on a chair or holding him in my lap was still giving him attention, and it was a game. We set up the playpen in the dining room and I would put him in there and walk away (I could still see him, but he couldn't see me). He couldn't climb out (or never realized that he could, anyway), and he quickly understood that mommy wasn't going to give him attention or play with him if he continued to misbehave.

We did that until just recently, when I started sending him to his room if he was misbehaving. We don't really have a time limit for that...I just tell him to go to his room and he can come out when he's ready to mind. So far, it works pretty well.

[brittone2]

Don't mean to steal OP's thread, but I have my own related question.

How did you start "time-outs" or "take a break"........so that your DC realizes that sitting in a chair/corner/step is not a game, but a consequense for breaking a rule?

When DD is trying to hurt the dogs, throwing things/bitting.... I try to sit her in a chair until she calms down and is ready to do something else, but she thinks it's a game and she laughs and giggles, thinking we are playing. If I hold her in my lap, it's a wrestling match, and at 24 weeks preggo I am slowly loosing any lap I still have!!

Thanks!

She is still sooo little. She's not going to show much real remorse, and doesn't really have the capability to feel much empathy for others at this age. So yes, she's going to giggle and laugh. It is normal.

I personally am more into teaching what *to* do at that age. If they throw, you could put the toy away and substitute an appropriate toy to throw ("we throw balls. Here is one. we throw outside") vs. a time out for the child. Redirect and prevent whenever possible.

I believe that it is quite possible to teach, which is the real purpose of "discipline" anyway without necessarily having to inflict a *punishment*. You can do this without being permissive.

eta: with the dogs, separate them until she can handle it. AT calmer times, work with her on "gentle touches" with the dogs if they tolerate that. If the dogs are an issue, IMO they need to be separated from DC, no matter how much of a PITA it is.

[Wondermom]

- What age did you start timeouts? ~18-20 months, the point at which we felt DS1 should know better, or at least should start learning about okay and not okay behavior

- Do you have a special place where they take place or just wherever you direct them in the moment?Most of the time--a step stool we keep in the kitchen (to reach the tall cabinets), but is directly in front of an out-of-the-way second oven. It's a central part of the house; we use the oven timer, and quickly learned that it would count down and beep when time was up. But we'll do this anywhere necessary--like upstairs in his room or even at daycare.

- Do you threaten (I don't like the sound of that but I can't think of the correct word) timeouts if they are doing something they shouldn't? Ex. No pulling on the drapes - continues to pull on drapes - do you want to go to timeout? I always did (e.g. "Walk away from the (fill-in-the-blank). Do you want a time out?") until my DH (rightly) decided that threatening means nothing without follow-up. Now we don't threaten unless we intend to follow up, and he gets just 1 warning.

- Do you do first offense warning - second offense timeout? Ex. No pulling mommy's hair - timeout if it happens again? see above on warnings. We don't use time out for the worst/dangerous offenses (running in a parking lot, reaching for a hot pot)--things we think deserve NO warnings. For that, I guess we take more of the GOYB approach, which I'd never heard labeled that way before but we like. (Thanks PP!) We use time out for naughty behavior we want to correct, like hitting, throwing toys, disobyeing.

- Do you use 'one minute for each year'?Sort of. We started when DS was not yet 2, and used 1 min. He'll be 3 in Aug. but we still just set 1 min. on the timer, initially. If he tries to get out of his seat and continues to defy us, we'll add another minute on the clock for each escape attempt--within reason.

- Are there actions that require an automatic timeout bypassing any warning? What are they? Since we've been working on certain behavior for more than a year, and he's about to be 3, we no longer tolorate hitting or biting. That's usually an immediate time out.

- If you don't use timeout - what method do you use? Will you share how it works? When we first started, time out was more "take a break," and it was often done with him being held in one of our laps. It's still a "take a break" when he's gotten himself worked up and in a tantrum state, with one of us holding him and telling him to take deep breaths, and "use your words."

Don't know if this is the case with all toddlers, but we found that the amount of time between using timeouts as the only discipline tool to using words and reasoning was very short--6-months, less than 1 year. They acquire language so fast that, these days, we find it easier to "signpost" what we want him to do and resort to timeouts only when he's being particularly defiant. By "signposting," I mean telling him several times before I want him to do something or go somewhere that x, y, z will happen next. "After 'Yardigans is over, it's potty time." I find if he knows what's coming next, he's more likely to do as asked, and less likely to pitch a fit about stopping an activity.

[jgenie]

Thanks for all the replies!!

We've been using GYOB parenting and playful parenting but DS1 tends to really push the limits when DS2 is on the changing table and I'm not able to stop to get to DS1. I like the idea of 'taking a break' but I can't always put DS2 down to comfort DS1 or hold him in my lap until he's ready to behave. We had two incidents this week that really scared me. On Monday DS1 was playing with a toy and threw it - I told him not to throw it again or I would take it away. We generally handle throwing this way but for some reason on Monday when I took it away he went ballistic. Kicking and screaming and trying to charge the baby gate to get down the stairs. I had to put him in his crib until he calmed down. I hated to use the crib because I don't want to create sleep problems but I needed a place that I could safely contain him so he wouldn't hurt himself. On Wednesday DS1 physically hit DS2 and I was right there when it happened. I again put him in his crib for a timeout so I could make sure DS2 was ok and so I could collect myself.

Thoughts? Tips? TIA

[brittone2]

We've been using GYOB parenting and playful parenting but DS1 tends to really push the limits when DS2 is on the changing table and I'm not able to stop to get to DS1. I like the idea of 'taking a break' but I can't always put DS2 down to comfort DS1 or hold him in my lap until he's ready to behave.

As much of a PITB as it is, IME, it is helpful to sometimes accept that the baby will have to be put down (which means, baby may cry, need to stop nursing, etc. for a bit) so that you can deal with the older. No one wants to do this, but IME, in the long run it really makes a difference. The older realizes that the rules still apply when mom is holding/dealing with the baby. If the limits are being pushed hard at those inopportune times when he thinks you won't respond,you demonstrating that you will be consistent (even when it is inconvenient) will probably make it less likely the limits will be pushed during those inconvenient times in the future.

IMO, the payback is worth the inconvenience.

That said, I personally would let some things slide, but on *bigger* issues, I would definitely put the baby down, etc and deal with the older as needed for a few weeks to demonstrate that you can and will intervene.

[newg]

That's why we started using the playpen.

I think the key to timeouts is removing your attention from the child (that's the actual "punishment"). You know...letting them know that they aren't going to get your attention if they don't act right. So with DS, trying to make him stay on a chair or holding him in my lap was still giving him attention, and it was a game. We set up the playpen in the dining room and I would put him in there and walk away (I could still see him, but he couldn't see me). He couldn't climb out (or never realized that he could, anyway), and he quickly understood that mommy wasn't going to give him attention or play with him if he continued to misbehave.

We did that until just recently, when I started sending him to his room if he was misbehaving. We don't really have a time limit for that...I just tell him to go to his room and he can come out when he's ready to mind. So far, it works pretty well.

I use the playpen in our room for DD to "hangout" in while I take a shower. I really like the idea of using it for timeouts, but I think it would get too confusing using it for both.
Right now I'm just redirecting her, but I'm starting to feel like I need to have something else for the big "no-no's" .

[JoyNChrist]

Yeah, that's true, that would probably be confusing. We never used the playpen for anything else, so it worked for us.