I need perspective

[MamaMolly]

Not really a b!tch, not really a potty training question, so I'm putting it here.

DD1 is having 'on purposes' (not accidents) and I'm at the end of my nice when it comes to it. I *know* that DD2 is only a month old and that has something to do with it, I *know* that living in a hotel has something to do with it, but d@mn!t I'm OVER being understanding. I feel like being nice about it is really only encouraging her.

Like today: I'm in the shower and she insists on staying in the bathroom with me, playing with a bucket of rocks from the playground. What ever. But she sits there for about 20 minutes, on the top of her potty/stepstool and plays. Then leaves the bathroom, gives her grandmother a look, and goes behind the sofa to pee! :banghead: I'm just so angry!!!

So I took away her glitter eyeshadow (pleeeeeease don't judge me for that, but yes, I'm bribing her with purple glitter eyeshadow. That is how low I've sunk :bag). I actually made her say goodbye to it. Then when we changed her clothes I told her she'd made a bad choice and I was NOT proud of her.

Am I too mean? Am I too lenient? Suggestions? HELP???

[sariana]

I am not the person to ask, as my son was a late trainer. But a couple of observations/comments:

I think the eyeshadow is cute, and it also is the perfect thing to use as an incentive. Only "big girls" get eye shadow, right?

Noticing her birth year, I calculate that she is at least 3, right? She should take care of her own clothes (as much as possible). Don't give her that attention, and make her clean up her own mess.

I have learned that it is important for me to say to my son, "You should be so proud of yourself for X, Y, or Z" rather than, "I'm so proud of you." You may want to turn that around. Instead of saying you are not proud of her, ask her if she is proud of herself. (She'll probably say yes for a while, but eventually the message should sink in.) I don't mean to shame her; just let her determine that she is not making a choice to be proud of.

Good luck. Potty training stinks (no pun intended--well, maybe a little).

[ThreeofUs]

I don't think you're doing so poorly. In fact, I think you're on the right track.

This is extremely frustrating. I do echo the pp, though: make her clean up her own messes, including washing rugs, etc., and clothing. It might actually be more work for you, but it really impresses upon the kids that (1) their bodies are their own responsibility and (2) they are responsible also for their bodily fluids, lol.

GL!

[daisymommy]

HUGS! I know how hard this can be, as we went through it with both Joshua AND Hannah after their sibling came along.

I think it happens ALOT with the birth of a new baby. And one thing that often back-fires is the whole "big girl" thing. Right now, they don't want to be a big girl! Cause guess who's getting all the attention? The baby, not the big girl. And of course it's a way to get attention, irregardless of whether it's positive or negative. And of course it's about control over themselves and their little world, in anyway that they can, when everything for them feels so out of control.

So, if it were me, I would put her in a pull-up, and just keep on trying to get her to go on the potty, but if she doesn't, don't make a huge big deal out of it or punish. It will only make it worse. When she feels like her world has stabilized she will go back to it. I promise. Both of my kids within a couple of months said "Mommy, you can throw away the diapers (meaning pull-ups) now. I'm going to go on the potty." And that was the end of that. But it was on their terms.

So hard to do to let go of our control as a parent sometimes...but also easier than the fighting (and wet couch ;)) as well.

[JustMe]

I really like the advice above.

I know this is hard (and I would suck at it myself), but I think the main thing is I would do my best not to show my anger or negative reaction. You can feel whatever you feel, and I would feel the same way, but I think a reaction is part of what she is looking for. Then I agree that I would just make her take care of her clothes herself.

You may want to narrate/verbalize/validate for her some of the hard things she is dealing with completely apart from this. Just quietly mention that it is hard for her now as she is getting used to a new baby, living in a different place..and that changes like that are hard for little girls.

I think I would also recommend an incentive (I think the purple eyeshadow would be fine as long as she is the one who chooses it) if she stays dry for 5 days in a row...and then another incentive of her choice, but not too incentive, if she stays dry for another 5 days...you can then increase the amount of days or may not need it at all.

[mamicka]

HUGS! I know how hard this can be, as we went through it with both Joshua AND Hannah after their sibling came along.

I think it happens ALOT with the birth of a new baby. And one thing that often back-fires is the whole "big girl" thing. Right now, they don't want to be a big girl! Cause guess who's getting all the attention? The baby, not the big girl. And of course it's a way to get attention, irregardless of whether it's positive or negative. And of course it's about control over themselves and their little world, in anyway that they can, when everything for them feels so out of control.

So, if it were me, I would put her in a pull-up, and just keep on trying to get her to go on the potty, but if she doesn't, don't make a huge big deal out of it or punish. It will only make it worse. When she feels like her world has stabilized she will go back to it. I promise. Both of my kids within a couple of months said "Mommy, you can throw away the diapers (meaning pull-ups) now. I'm going to go on the potty." And that was the end of that. But it was on their terms.

So hard to do to let go of our control as a parent sometimes...but also easier than the fighting (and wet couch ;)) as well.
:yeahthat:

We went through a bit of this with DS1 & I told him (not punitively, just matter-of-fact) that so many "accidents" meant that he wasn't quite ready to give up diapers yet. Once he saw that I meant it & he didn't want diapers anymore, the "accidents" stopped. You have to be OK with regressing in order for this to work, though.

[brittone2]

HUGS! I know how hard this can be, as we went through it with both Joshua AND Hannah after their sibling came along.

I think it happens ALOT with the birth of a new baby. And one thing that often back-fires is the whole "big girl" thing. Right now, they don't want to be a big girl! Cause guess who's getting all the attention? The baby, not the big girl. And of course it's a way to get attention, irregardless of whether it's positive or negative. And of course it's about control over themselves and their little world, in anyway that they can, when everything for them feels so out of control.

So, if it were me, I would put her in a pull-up, and just keep on trying to get her to go on the potty, but if she doesn't, don't make a huge big deal out of it or punish. It will only make it worse. When she feels like her world has stabilized she will go back to it. I promise. Both of my kids within a couple of months said "Mommy, you can throw away the diapers (meaning pull-ups) now. I'm going to go on the potty." And that was the end of that. But it was on their terms.

So hard to do to let go of our control as a parent sometimes...but also easier than the fighting (and wet couch ;)) as well.

:yeahthat: from me as well.

I know it is not fun changing dipes but I agree with the PPs that sometimes they don't want to be the "big" girl and it can backfire in some kids. Over on the GCM site they actually advocate indulging the older child a bit in "baby" things after the birth of a sibling because the "wanting to be the baby" is so common w/ older siblings. Swaddle after a bath and do baby talk, show them pics of them as a baby, etc. Indulging that a bit might actually end up getting you where you want to be sooner, if that makes sense. I'd stop emphasizing her being a "big" girl and let her be "babied" for a while. If she gets that current need met a bit, she might be willing to move on sooner.

I'm sure it sucks, but with a move and a new baby, I just think it is tough to expect a kid to PT...just too much emotional turmoil, IMO and she's not going to just articulate that she's feeling "stressed" kwim? She's going to show it through her actions.

We're about to move and I fully expect a regression on sleep, etc. with my 3.5 year old (especially in light of us having a relative newborn as well). If we don't get it, I'll be very pleasantly surprised.

eta: it is so hard w/ a newborn but I'd work on getting your older DD's emotional "cup" filled up fully right now and see where things go in a few weeks.

[Tondi G]

I think you handled it fine. I would put her back in pull ups and explain to her that when she is ready to be a big girl then you can try using the potty again, until then she will have to wear a diaper cause she is having accidents too often. Chances are she will decide she doesn't like wearing diapers again. You have too much going on... if you can let the potty training go for a bit and start back up when things are more settled it will be easier on everyone!

[HannaAddict]

HUGS! I know how hard this can be, as we went through it with both Joshua AND Hannah after their sibling came along.

I think it happens ALOT with the birth of a new baby. And one thing that often back-fires is the whole "big girl" thing. Right now, they don't want to be a big girl! Cause guess who's getting all the attention? The baby, not the big girl. And of course it's a way to get attention, irregardless of whether it's positive or negative. And of course it's about control over themselves and their little world, in anyway that they can, when everything for them feels so out of control.

So, if it were me, I would put her in a pull-up, and just keep on trying to get her to go on the potty, but if she doesn't, don't make a huge big deal out of it or punish. It will only make it worse. When she feels like her world has stabilized she will go back to it. I promise. Both of my kids within a couple of months said "Mommy, you can throw away the diapers (meaning pull-ups) now. I'm going to go on the potty." And that was the end of that. But it was on their terms.

So hard to do to let go of our control as a parent sometimes...but also easier than the fighting (and wet couch ;)) as well.

All of the above! :) It is hard and maddening, but she is not an adult and even if she is doing this, she doesn't really know why she is doing it - KWIM? Just back off, go to pull ups and you will come out of this sooner than getting into a battle. We are the totally mellow people about PTing though and seem to have had long term better results than those I know who do PT boot camps, sticker charts, candy, etc. It just seems like it will happen when it happens and some regression stuff is unavoidable. Our formerly PT'ed DD back slid too. It internally drove me nuts, but I just did pull-ups (her life was stressful, I was in and out of hospital while pregnant, etc.) and she decided one day that yes, she indeed was PT'ed again. Hang in there!

[MamaMolly]

Thanks, mamas! I appreciate the not judging me over the eyeshadow. And yes, it was her big idea sprung from a day of getting her face painted. She's hankered after purple glitter ever since, so I thought it might be just the ticket.

I can't really do the back-to-pullups. We never did pullups to start with, so I don't think it would be a good idea to go there. She wears a night time pullup, but has been mostly dry during the day since February. I don't mind the occasional accident, like if she's playing and too into her game. It is the intention of the act lately that has me loosing it. She either pees behind the sofa or is totally self sufficient in her toileting needs (other than wiping a poopy butt).

I think you guys are SPOT ON. DD1 needs more positive attention, she needs to be babied a bit. On the other hand, she needs to start being in charge of her own clothes. Ohhhhhh, being a mama is not easy. This ain't for wimps Ladies!!

[HannaAddict]

It is the intention of the act lately that has me loosing it. She either pees behind the sofa or is totally self sufficient in her toileting needs (other than wiping a poopy butt).

I think you guys are SPOT ON. DD1 needs more positive attention, she needs to be babied a bit. On the other hand, she needs to start being in charge of her own clothes. Ohhhhhh, being a mama is not easy. This ain't for wimps Ladies!!

It is hard! Just remember though it seems "intentional" - she is only three and change and their developmentally possible "intentions" are totally different than an older child or adult, even though it feels the same to us and is maddening as the parent. They are still really little and though not an accident like being engrossed in a game, it just isn't the same thing as an adult doing it. If you don't want to do pull-ups, can you get some sort of training pants that will provide more protection during this phase or go to regular diapers? I say this as someone who had a potty trained child for several months and said child regressed when I ended up being in the hospital on and off during the last half of this pregnancy. We had never done pull-ups before she was potty trained the first time, went straight to Hanna Andersson underpants and Good Nights at night (guess it is like a pull-up). But pull-ups saved my sanity and they were mostly dry while she went through her phase of not being reliably potty trained.