View Full Version : For those of you who were around 40 when TTC

05-20-2010, 02:22 PM
What was your experience like, especially if not your first child?

I was 38 when I became pregnant with DD. We got pregnant relatively quickly.

I would like to start TTC for #2 but DH would like to wait. He thinks everything will be as easy as when TTC #1, but I think that may be a bit optimistic, which he generally is by nature.

05-20-2010, 02:44 PM
I was a lot younger than you when TTC #2 but just thought I'd share. I was 28 when I conceived DC1 and, like you, had no issues. I started TTC #2 when I was 30 (just after DC1's 1st birthday). I experienced secondary infertility and it took me about 1.5 years to conceive. I was actually told my FSH was high and I had the eggs of a 40-year-old. I was able to conceive without any fertility treatments but I did change my diet and started yoga. Good luck. I don't think you should wait.

05-20-2010, 02:59 PM
I was 2 months from my 37th bday when Dora was born, who was conceived on our 4th try. We did not TTC Arwyn, she just came. Laurel was a "whatever happens will happen" baby, and I got preggo with her 3 months after we stopped using a condom.

I remember a few moms in my local group that had a lot of trouble conceiving #1, then some of them got preggo with #2 on the first try. One of them told me her OB said sometimes #2 comes a lot more easily, esp. if you try earlier, because your body remembers how "to do it."

This is all anecdotal of course. I'm sure statistically it's harder to get preggo as you get older.

05-20-2010, 03:01 PM
I was 38 when my first was born...tried right away for number 2 but secondary infertility issues. Number two finally came along when I was 42... for which I am extremely grateful to God!

I saw RE for one year when I was 40-41 yrs. old, diagnosis of unexplained infertility, nothing worked and the next step would be IVF

Changed my diet - low carb, whole milk, acupuncture, reduce stress and thankfully, got pregnant on our own.

Some people have no issues but that was not my experience. I was so sad and wishing for another for those 3 yrs until we got pregnant again.

Wish you all the best!!!

05-20-2010, 03:09 PM
Don't wait. It's not worth taking the chance.

05-20-2010, 03:14 PM
Don't wait. It's not worth taking the chance.

Nope dont wait

I got pregnant the first month I tried the first 5 pregnancies ( 2 m/c) then Jack was not conceived for 3 yrs. We had totally given up and was shocked when he happened

DONT chance it

I was 41 when I did get pregnant

05-20-2010, 03:17 PM
I wouldn't wait if you know that you both want another. It won't get any easier to conceive and you won't have any more energy later on ;)

05-20-2010, 03:18 PM
Not to be Debbie Downer, but fertility decreases rapidly after 40. I was 42 when I was TTC. Fortunately, I was living in a major city and had a great OB, so was at the RE 4 months after we were married, with all the testing already done. (FSH, HSG, semen analysis) I had very low FSH for my age (4.x), and DH had a very high semen count - net, everything looked great on paper. We did three IUI's, and I got pg with twins on the second. One was a normal 'vanishing twin'; the other stopped suddenly at 9.5 weeks, likely the result of an implantation clot (not age related). When the next IUI didn't work, the RE suggested moving to IVF right away, as not only was my fertility declining by the month, but the risk of birth defects was growing.

By the time I got pg with DD at 42.11, the risks of a significant birth defect were one in 13. A year earlier they were "only" one in 42. A big difference to me.

05-20-2010, 03:26 PM
ITA with PPs. If it's important to have another, don't wait. I wish I had something handy to recommend your husband read. Lots of people have a false sense of security because it seems like there are a lot of women in their 40s having kids, including celebrities. The thing you don't know is how many of them are using eggs from a 22 year old to do it. You could get your FSH and other numbers checked, just to see. Maybe they'll tell you you have fertility of a younger person. But even then I wouldn't wait. Fertility, as one doc explained to us, doesn't necessarily ebb away. It can "fall off a cliff."

05-20-2010, 03:35 PM
I'm another one saying don't wait. It took 6 months of not preventing, followed by 18 months of charting before DS was conceived (I was 39), so don't count on it being easier the second time.

05-20-2010, 03:52 PM
THANK YOU all for responses. I have talked to DH about this but he says he doesn't want to be rushed/pressured, so I am trying to explain the issues at hand without pressuring but not sure how. The last time we talked about it a few weeks ago he said he'd be up for discussing a timeline in a few months, but I am trying to explain at my age every month counts, especially when my cycle is beginning to get funky (which could also be due to DD weaning).

05-20-2010, 03:57 PM
Do you have any friends, relatives, or coworkers who've had kids later and had trouble conceiving? Maybe you and he could talk to them so he can get another viewpoint, especially if there's a guy he could talk to that has gone through it (and would be honest with him and say "Dude, do it now!") ;)

Good luck!

05-20-2010, 04:02 PM
Yeah, don't wait. I was 2 months shy of 35 when DD was born and I'll be 2 months shy of 41 when this baby is born. I was technically receiving fertility treatments to conceive DD but we conceived on our own with no medicine/intervention the cycle AFTER we stopped fertility tx. We putzed around not entirely sure we wanted a second but would welcome another starting in Jan 08ish. Gradually through the year starting low level fertility treatments. In Jan 09ish we were fed up with the RE we were working with and got a second opinion because we realized we really were interested in having a second. Turns out I had extensive uterine scarring that probably developed post my c-section due to a minor infection. All the fertility treatments the 1st RE threw at me wouldn't have helped and he didn't bother to think there could be some other issue. So, after surgery in Feb 09 and May 09 and 2 cycles of injectible meds and IUI, we had DS on the way.

05-20-2010, 04:08 PM
That's tough. I agree, don't wait, the risk of infertility and birth defects only increase the longer you do. Good luck talking it over with your husband.

Can you at least start charting so you know when you're ovulating, especially if your periods are irregular? That way you'll have a head start if/when you do start TTC.

This book is helpful:
Taking Charge of Your Fertility: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health

I'm still in my 30's, but I have a longer than 28-day cycle. We used this ovulation monitor and it worked in 1-2 cycles both times, so you may find it helpful too:

05-20-2010, 04:37 PM
He may not want to be rushed/pressured, but he has to understand that his desire to have extra time may cost you your (plural) chance to have another child. I'm sorry to be harsh, but it's true. Or it may cost you tens of thousands of dollars in fertility treatment.

Don't wait. Don't wait. Don't wait. I wish I could say that to everyone in their 30s who's waiting for just the right time. I started hemming and hawing about it when I was 32, started TTC right after I turned 33, gave birth to my first (and maybe only) at 36, after 3 IVFs and one loss. You just don't know if you're going to get lucky, and I wouldn't gamble with something this important.

05-20-2010, 04:43 PM
If it were me, I wouldn't wait.

05-20-2010, 05:06 PM
I wouldn't want to wait either. No sense in risking it. I have so many friends with fertility issues and they are having a tough go of it.

05-20-2010, 05:21 PM
I agree with the previous posts. I got pregnant right at with #1 but it took 20 months of charting & finally clomid & an IUI to conceive #2. Luckily, we were able cancel the appt with the RE to talk about IVF. Many of my friends have had lots of issues getting/staying pregnant with #2 or #3 after having previous easy pregnancies. I think it is b/c we all waited longer to have kids.

Maybe show him the average cost of different fertility treatments in your area? And mention how hard infertility drugs & etc. would be on your body! Those drugs are not fun.

It is much easier both physically & mentally to do it naturally - you should give your family the best chance at it, even if that means starting when he is not completely "comfortable" with the idea. He'll have months to get used to the idea once you are pregnant! :)

05-20-2010, 05:27 PM
I was married when I was 40 and pregnant on second try, then one miscarriage, then second child born 17 months after first. I was truly very lucky. People usually assume
we had some kind of assist. I also and really starting to hate it when I calc in head "When I am 65, Nick will be 20" and so on. Don't wait!

05-20-2010, 08:38 PM
Back to add that when DH and I were consulting with some doctors about fertility treatments (granted, I was only about 27 or so at the time, but I was still worried that my eggs were getting old and dying off!), they gave us some pamphlets and paperwork about the chances of getting pregnant with assistance like IUI or IVF... the numbers decrease *dramatically* as a woman's age goes up. I don't have exact statistics, but it's definitely a known fact that the older you are, the more difficulty you're likely to have getting pregnant, and once you hit 35 you're considered Advanced Maternal Age and need to do more testing of the baby (in utero) for genetic defects, etc. Anyhow, I'd think, for financial reasons, if nothing else, he should be encouraged to 'get going' if he doesn't want to go through all the emotional roller coasters. ;)

05-20-2010, 09:12 PM
I probably wouldn't wait. I got pregnant with my DS at 26, and I'll be 31 when DC2 will be born later this year in November. We waited to try for DC2 because initially, we planned to get pregnant later with our DS, but getting pregnant happened a lot sooner than expected the first time. We knew that we'd be moving long-distance soon, but still didn't try to prevent during the time we got pregnant with DC2 (primarily b/c of the age gap between DS and DC2, which will be 4 years).

Hopefully your DH will be on the same page as you soon. :)

05-21-2010, 02:00 AM
If you got preggo quickly at 38, you probably won't have problems with #2 if you ttc in your early 40s. That's just the odds. But I wouldn't wait, either, unless there are really pressing factors that you haven't posted.

IME, we got pg almost immediately both times, and that was at 37 (nearly 38) and 41.

05-21-2010, 07:59 AM
THANK YOU all for responses. I have talked to DH about this but he says he doesn't want to be rushed/pressured, so I am trying to explain the issues at hand without pressuring but not sure how. The last time we talked about it a few weeks ago he said he'd be up for discussing a timeline in a few months, but I am trying to explain at my age every month counts, especially when my cycle is beginning to get funky (which could also be due to DD weaning).

Would he be more open to hearing it (getting it, I mean!) if it came from a doctor? You might try to schedule an appointment with your OB 'just to get everything checked out' and see what s/he has to say. What with your cycle getting funky and all. ;)

I'm just speaking from experience, my DH has an easier time listening to an 'expert' than me. So sometimes I have to make that happen for him IYKWIM.

05-21-2010, 08:07 AM
Would he be more open to hearing it (getting it, I mean!) if it came from a doctor? You might try to schedule an appointment with your OB 'just to get everything checked out' and see what s/he has to say. What with your cycle getting funky and all. ;)

I'm just speaking from experience, my DH has an easier time listening to an 'expert' than me. So sometimes I have to make that happen for him IYKWIM.

I actually have an appointment today for a check up and to talk to doctor about a <28 day cycle. Asked last night if he'd like to go to doctor with me and he said he'll talk to the doctor when he's ready. I tried to explain again that I am not trying to pressure to have a kid right now, but if we don't have a plan right now we would need to start brainstorming alternatives like freezing eggs, discussing adoption, etc. His reply is you are fine, you're only 39. He says he does want another one, but just not ready yet.

05-21-2010, 11:48 AM
No BTDT but did want to share a family experience that has influenced me - - certainly this person has had worse luck than the statistical average for age but since she is close to us it is highly salient to me . . . and I don't think her situation is that uncommon.

SIL is 42 y/o and has been ttc for a year. She is actually able to get pregnant but has had three miscarriages/termination in fourteen months. This includes a harrowing termination at almost 6 months when they found out the baby had a fatal, incompatible with life birth defect due to genetic mutation. She had to make the decision whether to carry to term and risk her own fertility or terminate (I don't know all the details but high likelihood the baby would die in utero, she was of course only getting older, and there was some risk to her tubes? something else?).

She has since gotten pregnant and miscarried at under 8 weeks twice.

So, not only are there difficulties with ttc/fertility, the genetic material has a much higher likelihood of having mutations or issues. I believe some of the recent autism research is uncovering linkages between parent age - - I think particularly the dad- - and autism rates.

Have your dh read this thread.

ETA: Don't freeze eggs at your age unless they are willing to test for DS and other mutations prior to freezing and you can afford that. Or unless you are OK with parenting a child with DS/other genetic issues. SIL also did this and I was chatting with my (excellent) OB about it and her view is that the egg transfer to viable pregnancy rate is low to begin with and if you have harvested a bunch of - - no offense here - - older, lower quality eggs then it is a risky proposition.

05-21-2010, 12:26 PM
I skimmed the thread and read your subsequent posts too. As well as everyone else, I say don't wait, but I think you know where you stand on that.

For DH, do you have any friends with fertility issues? Real-life stories from people he knows does a lot more to convince my DH of these types of things. It is hard to combat the media stories of women having babies into 50s and even 60s. What would be so hard about the 40s, right? Make sure he hears lots of "hard to TTC #2" stories AND he knows much infertility really costs in $$$ (never mind your sanity and potential marriage issues), and that he sees a chart of decreasing fertility in women after 40. Men are very visual.

It's fine if you two agree to not start yet, BUT it's not fine if he refuses to even discuss it and understand the risk incurred by waiting.

05-21-2010, 01:02 PM
For DH, do you have any friends with fertility issues? Real-life stories from people he knows does a lot more to convince my DH of these types of things.


My husband wasn't interested in talking about TTC #2. . . until his older brother & wife found out their baby girl has Down Syndrome.

Then he suddenly said, "now or never."

I think guys don't always hear/share the same kinds of stories that we do, unless it's family.

FWIW, I'm 37 and he's 41.

05-21-2010, 03:18 PM
Also wanted to add -- paint a picture of your retirement age. Every year later that you have a baby now, it will directly impact retirement. Does he want to be 65 and paying college tuition? Or does he want to be 65 and traveling the world? Change the above age from 65 and scares/desires from tuition/travel to whatever works in your world. Just know -- it is FAR from an insignificant consideration.

05-22-2010, 02:01 PM
DH is about 4.5 years younger than me. We are financially secure at this point in time.

05-24-2010, 01:26 PM
I am not that age yet (and this is my last kid), but I will tell you what my OB told me when I went in for my routine check up when I was 35. I had two kids and wasn't sure about a third. I asked her how long I could wait, given my lack of troubles conceiving the first two, to decide about #3 without my age causing TTC problems and/or increased risk of birth defects and miscarriage. She told me that she would recommend that anyone 37 or older who was thinking about TTC should get going on it right away to minimize problems. I do have several friends who had no trouble conceiving the first child in their late 30s but who had a lot of trouble with #2. Not saying this will be the case for you, and I sure hope it isn't, but I wouldn't wait.

05-24-2010, 07:02 PM
I had my 1st baby when I was 29...

I remarried at age 40 and we started trying right away...It took us 4yrs of fertilty treatments and lots of money before we got our little boy..

Because we wanted another and I wasnt getting any younger we started trying again when our little boy was 6mos....we didnt get pregnant again until he was 2 1/2...

As many know fertility treatments are stressful, sometimes painful and expensive....AND the risk of downs and miscarriage is so much higher..

I would not put off trying but I get that men dont really get it...My DH wanted to wait a year before we started trying but I was like NO WAY but we ended up having to have treatments anyways.

It was all worth it though!

Mama to 3 boys...19, 4 & 19mos:heartbeat::heartbeat::heartbeat:

05-25-2010, 11:28 AM
It's not just about financial security. What do you want to be doing in 20 years? From the time you conceive, it's roughly 20 years before the kids would be out of the house and your daily obligations/responsibilities go drastically down. If you have hobbies you plan to pursue, or other plans for retirement, each year that you put off TTC, also means one year less of retirement that you get to enjoy.

05-25-2010, 02:29 PM
I had my first 3 children at 32, 34 and 37. I am now 44 and pregnant with my 4th. Due July 7. I had no issues getting pregnant with the first 3, but this one took a lot longer and has been a lot more stressful because of all the increased risks that come with what the experts call "advanced maternal age.". I don't feel all that differently physically this time, but I do have gestational diabetes, another age related issue. Whatever you decide, best of luck to you.

Mom to DS age 12, DD age 7 and DS2 whom we lost almost 2 years ago to brain cancer.

05-26-2010, 01:35 PM

I had my first at 37. Took 8 months to get pregnant, had 2 miscarriages, and then got the 3rd to stick. :-) So, about a year total to get a viable pregancy.

Am now 39. Went off the pill on April 15 thinking it would take a few months to get pregnant and we'd have a nice, late spring or early summer baby. Nope. Got a positive HPT on May 16. Surpise surprise!

I vote with the "go for it" club!

05-27-2010, 10:54 PM
Found out today AMH was 1.5 which is considered low fertility. UGH.

05-31-2010, 05:33 PM
Found out today AMH was 1.5 which is considered low fertility. UGH.

what is amh?

06-01-2010, 02:07 AM
OK, I'll be the dissenting voice and say I would wait, and I did wait.

Had my first at 37 after some difficulties conceiving, started infertility workup and got pregnant after the hysterosalpingogram. (happens sometimes) Did not want to try right away for various reasons, including spacing. Also wasn't even sure I wanted to go down the fertility treatment road. I had already decided I would not do IVF. Did clomid/IUI, got pregnant at 40, miscarried at 12 weeks. My doctors were pushing me to start right away with another cycle I told them I was going to wait at least 6mo, which I knew might mean no second kid. Got grief from the docs. Got pregnant on my own unexpectedly and gave birth at 41.

So the real question is, Why does your husband want to wait? Is it just he doesn't want to be rushed? Are there specific reasons? How do you feel about not having a second child? I was OK with. My opinion is having two kids close together is hard on an older body, and hard on a marriage. Other people may not feel that way. You husband may be willing to risk having only one child and not have them close together, you may not. But the two of you are parents, he's not just a sperm donor, so he has a right to contribute to the decision. Or maybe he just thinks you are being overly dramatic. That's a whole other problem that probably should be worked out before getting pregnant.

I realize I'm a odd duck about this. I wanted kids, but I had seen some very terrible outcomes in my career, so I knew what I was willing to do and not willing to do. After 30 fertility declines, after 40 it falls off a cliff.

06-01-2010, 09:44 AM
DH says he would like to wait because he wants more us time. DD was not a good sleeper so it hasn't been that long that we've been able to feel "normal". I think he doesn't understand decrease in fertility issues. Most of his friend's wives are 5-10 years younger than me.

I do think he as a little bit of "perfect child syndrom" (other than the sleeping issue.) People stop us when we are out to comment on DD, and DD has been ahead of the curve for most developmental milestones. DH's brother has some issues and at 36 does not work and still lives at home, which is a huge emotional strain for his parents. We had discussed the importance of having a sibling. He is 1 of 3 and I am 1 of 4. However, when I discuss that there is a greater chance of issues as I get older I think he has a fair that we could have a similar situation to his brother.