Sensitive-Don't understand why siblings haven't been to Mothers gravesite/gravest....

[SammyeGail]

This started the day before Mothers Day, I remember my Dad had mentioned my sister that lives close to my hometown and her 26 yr old daughter were coming down to show him my nieces new baby.

My mother had 5 children, I am the youngest. 3 live in my hometown, guessing around 15,000 population. One sister lives less than 2 hours away, I live 4+ hours away, sometimes its over 5 depending on traffic on the 2 lane roads we have to take.

My mother passed away 11-08. I have some serious medical conditions resulting in severe chronic fatigue. I'm not proud of my lack of visiting my Dad, we went for a weekend last summer, spent most of Sat with him and one sister came by. My DH had recently reunited with his DS from his first marriage, lives in same area, DSD had driven down and we spent Sat. evening with him, first time seeing him in years. Sun AM we went back by my Dad's, spent some time and headed back home. That was July, in Sept my seizures started.

I did fight my fatigue to be there for Thanksgiving and Christmas, both in the evening.

Back to the subject at hand, the day before Mothers Day I began to wonder if my siblings were gathering together and doing something at my mothers grave-site since the one sister came to town. My mother always ask for outside hanging or potted flowers for Mothers Day, my Dad made a display outside her kitchen window. I wondered if my siblings had planned to go there and leave several live flowers.

I was hurt, if that was the plan, it was a big IF, because I didn't know. Yes I have chronic fatigue, but if they were planning something like that I would do everything in my power to be there, KWIM?

I called my oldest sister who is like a 2nd mom to me, my siblings and I aren't close (I speculate I somehow betrayed the family by not living closer, DH's career is very specific and I have no desire to move back), but my oldest sister lets me know how everyone is doing. Her cell is messed up, doen't carry much of a charge so I left a nice voice mail saying that if they all had planned to do something at Mom's gravesite, which I thought was wonderful, again, IF there was a plan, I would have loved to come. I don't know if there is a plan and they took my chronic fatigue into consideration and felt it was too much to ask me to come, but I wanted to let them know I would have done any and everything I could to be there. I just wanted them to know that. Told her I loved her, etc.

She calls back leaving me a voicemail and is completely LIVID!! Evidently mine did not come out right, I can understand that part. She was practically screaming that NONE of them were able to bring themselves to go to Mom's gravesite. One sister that lives less than 2 hours away took my Dad once and it drained her so much emotionally she had to call in sick to work the following Monday. SHE had not been, my sister that lives 5 minutes away and passes it everytime she leaves her subdivision can't go, bla, bla, bla. There was NO PLAN to go there on Mother's Day, NO ONE could bring themselves to go there. My sister had cancelled her plans to come down that weekend, my nieces's step-kids had baseball playoffs.

I was mortified, called back and left a sobbing voice mail of apology, I didn't mean to be offensive at all, I just didn't know IF they had a plan, I just sobbed and apologized alot. She hasn't spoken to me.

Ok, so now she is all pissed and upset. I guess I am some horrible monster. Well, I haven't talked to anyone but my Dad and no one has said anything to him, they won't. I was not harsh or accusing in my voicemail, I just wanted to stand up for myself, kiwm? Its MY mother too. Last summer that visit was filled with seeing people, Thanksgiving and Christmas were in the evening, dark, we chose to just drive down and then drive back. I could find my mothers gravesite in daylight, but not in a massive cemetery in the dark in freezing weather with fussing kids, kwim?

I didn't mean for this to get so long, but now I am upset that no one has gone by my mothers grave site but my Dad. Its within a few minutes drive of 3 of them, their children are all older, they can take some time alone and go. I know its hard, but after 18 months when is anyone ever going to go? I'm trying to understand it, but I don't. I am hoping someone can shed some light on this for me.

We plan to try to go down this weekend, depending on if I hear my niece is coming there too with her baby. I would like to see her, if its next weekend I'd wait and go then. I went in Hobby Lobby today fighting back tears picking out a bouquet to make and leave in the vase made for her gravestone. I plan to go there alone, if I break down and sob all over the ground thats ok, I know thats part of grieving for the loss of your mother.

Its just that I am making a big point/effort to do this because its my mother, my Dad can hardly drive and it breaks my heart her vase is empty.

I just don't understand why no-one else has not gone by.....

[MoJo]

:grouphug:

The only thing I can say is that I've learned everyone handles death in very different ways. I know for a fact that I have family members who would respond as your siblings are with regards to not visiting the grave.

I sincerely hope you can get the miscommunications cleared up; it doesn't sound like you did anything to deserve having such a livid response. I think you just stepped on a very sore spot, not even realizing it was there.

[luza]

My guess is that your sister felt your were judging her for not having gone to the grave site or arranged a group visit. You don't mention how your father responded to the earlier visit, but if it really took an emotional toll on him she may also be reluctant to see that happen again.

I don't know your family dynamics, but I agree with a PP that everyone is different in how they respond to a parent's death, and we have to accept that. In my own large family, I've seen a wide range of reactions to my parents' deaths in 2009. I am also the child who lives farthest away and had the fewest opportunities to visit, so I know that my reaction to the loss of our parents is different from that of my siblings who lived with them or visited them every day, and thus have constant, daily reminders of what they are missing. They also had the difficult task of trying to keep my mother's spirits up after my father died as she struggled with her own terminal illness.

I think you should tell your siblings that you accept that you all are suffering in your own ways, but that for you personally it would be helpful to visit your mother's grave, and you if anyone wants to join you that would be great too. Then go do what makes you feel better.

[sidmand]

I never go and visit my mother's grave site. It's only a couple of towns over but to me, she's not there so I don't find anything that draws me to that particular place.

Going to her grave site would only make me remember how sad everyone was and how awful everyone felt and I have no desire to do that.

I keep her in my head and my heart and I would rather remember her as I want to remember her.

[jal]

I never go and visit my mother's grave site. It's only a couple of towns over but to me, she's not there so I don't find anything that draws me to that particular place.

Going to her grave site would only make me remember how sad everyone was and how awful everyone felt and I have no desire to do that.

I keep her in my head and my heart and I would rather remember her as I want to remember her.

Well said.

Besides my wife and children, there is no-one in this world I love and appreciate more than my mom. Yet in the 4 years since her death, I've been to her grave site once, even though its only a few miles away from my office. I think the reason, beside the painful reminder of our loss, is that there isn't anything there... that's not where my mom is.

[kijip]

Everyone handles death differently. I see why you would be upset and I am sorry that it is so far for you to go since it is something that is meaningful to you. But not everyone handles death the same way. My mother's urn is buried not far from my house. I have not yet been and really can't see myself going that often. I memorialize and remember my mom everyday and for me that does not include visiting the cemetery. I think you would save yourself stress by letting them grieve their way and vice versa. This poem has brought me some comfort in the painful 50 weeks since my mother's death.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

[JBaxter]

Everyone handles death differently. I see why you would be upset and I am sorry that it is so far for you to go since it is something that is meaningful to you. But not everyone handles death the same way. My mother's urn is buried not far from my house. I have not yet been and really can't see myself going that often. I memorialize and remember my mom everyday and for me that does not include visiting the cemetery. I think you would save yourself stress by letting them grieve their way and vice versa. This poem has brought me some comfort in the painful 50 weeks since my mother's death.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

Katie... Thank you..

[SammyeGail]

Thank you everyone for your perspectives, they have helped me see things sooo much better. I didn't realize I might/must have hit the one sensitive spot with the sister I left a voice mail with. I feel terrible.

I deleted all this because it was not of relevance, just how different everyone reacted up to her passing, I am just putting myself through more than I need to.

[daniele_ut]

I think that you should let your siblings mourn in their own ways, and that might not include wanting to visit the grave.

My father died 10 years ago, and I literally remember him every day. I've only been to his grave site (which is 2500 miles away) a handful of times since his death.

My daughter has been gone for 7 years and we generally only visit once a year on her birthday, even though the cemetery is across town from here. It doesn't mean I don't think of her every.single.day, though.

[MartiesMom2B]

Like others have said everyone mourns and remembers their parents differently. My husband's father passed away 11 years ago. The first time that he went since the unveiling was last year. It was very draining and emotional for him.

I hope that you and your sister will make up and find peace between the two of you. I hope that you can get a better relationship with your siblings too.

[SammyeGail]

Everyone handles death differently. I see why you would be upset and I am sorry that it is so far for you to go since it is something that is meaningful to you. But not everyone handles death the same way. My mother's urn is buried not far from my house. I have not yet been and really can't see myself going that often. I memorialize and remember my mom everyday and for me that does not include visiting the cemetery. I think you would save yourself stress by letting them grieve their way and vice versa. This poem has brought me some comfort in the painful 50 weeks since my mother's death.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

Katie, thank you so much for sharing that, I have had a really good cry. I do understand now.

And thank you for sharing so that other Mamas can see this and have comfort brought to them. I wish I could send you a million hugs. :grouphug:

[nov04]

The only thing I can say is that I've learned everyone handles death in very different ways. I know for a fact that I have family members who would respond as your siblings are with regards to not visiting the grave.

I sincerely hope you can get the miscommunications cleared up; it doesn't sound like you did anything to deserve having such a livid response. I think you just stepped on a very sore spot, not even realizing it was there.

ITA. I'll add that I haven't visited the site where my Dad's ashes have been interred nor am I completely sure they've been interred somewhere. He's been gone for over a year and I doubt I'll go for years to come.

Honouring him and his memory has nothing to do with a physical location. It's about thinking of him and his love for us daily, remembering how hard he worked to give us a great life. And thinking of how he'd do something when I'm not sure how to proceed on something.

I'm so sorry about your mom.

[g-mama]

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

This is the poem I chose to have printed on my mother's funeral/mass card - don't know what that card is called. I have it sitting up on my dresser and read it every day for the past 7 years since she died. It comforts me.

I have never been to my mom's grave site and I live one hour from it. Not since the day we buried her. I have no desire. I talk and pray to my mom every day and think of her all the time, but going there would do nothing for me. Well, maybe make me cry, remembering that sad day we stood out in the freezing rain while she was buried and I was holding back nausea and the desire to vomit because I was two months pregnant with my second ds and seriously sick 24/7.

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

Samantha, I was raised with Memorial Day having a very specific meaning-- taking plants to the graves of loved ones and thinking about them. I did this with my Grandma and have great memories from those days. Most people I know do not think along those lines these days. My DH's dad is buried not more than a 1/2 hour from here and he has never been to his gravesite. OTOH, I had a very dear friend die 2 years ago and I visit her grave on her birthday, brings me comfort.

[malphy]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.

This subject is very personal and real for me so I understand some of what you are feeling.

I do not believe the grave should have such a hold on the living. Our bodies are buried there but our souls are not there. I feel no need to be at the grave to feel close to my mother. I like to believe she is always close to me wherever I may be.

I do have family that feel I should go but they just do not share my point of view. Not to mention that my mother is buried in a part of NYC that is very dangerous. There are muggings and attacks at the cemetary all the time.

I know my mother would not want me togo there as long as there was danger involved. My siblings feel guilt but I do not. I talk to my ma whenever i feel the need and I know she is watching over me.

I have made my plans clear to anyone who will listen-I will either be cremated and spread some where or do a green burial where you are not embalmed and you are wrapped in a shroud and buried on conservation land. easy on environment and i will return my body to the earth to continue the cycle of life.

I do not want my loved ones to feel obligated to come visit an empty site, I want them to take a trip they know I would have loved and enjoy it and remember me that way.

Lif is too short to feel guilty over death.

I wish you peace during this difficult time.

[LD92599]

I don't think my sister has set foot into the cemetery where our father is buried along with both grandmothers; 3 grandfathers, etc. Apparently thats just not her thing. OTOH I'll drive by, drive thru it, sometimes get out, etc. DS knows that's where my dad is and he'll ask to take a picnic there once in awhile (there's no headstones, just plaques, so it's a huge open area essentially). My mom was always really on top of keeping the plaques neat and trimmed; decorating them for holidays etc but since she's been unable to get around/walk for the last 18 months, that's one thing i haven't taken over (nor has it been done for that matter).

[SammyeGail]

malphy, it is also my strong desire to be cremated. I don't want my kids trying to keep my ashes, go toss me in the ocean.

I don't consider the grave a hold on the living, but it is a memorial site. I did say I may sob going there, but it will be my first time. After I bought some nice flowers yesterday we drove thru a large cemetery so I could get an idea of the size of the vases, no help since they were all different sizes, but lots and lots of flowers there. As of the way I feel right now, I just want my Mom's vase to have some beautiful flowers in it. I completely understand your situation about the dangerous area, I do understand your viewpoint. I hope your siblings can too one day, but we are all so different. I honestly don't know when I will go back again.

LD92599,

This cemetery has my granny who passed when I was 4, on my Mom's side, her brother who was killed by a drunk driver before I was born but where I got my name. He said if he had another boy he was going to call him Sammy, My mother almost put Sammye on my birth certificate but my oldest sister talked her into Samantha thankfully! I went by Sammye until 2nd grade when my teacher insisted on calling me Samantha. My grandfather (Dad's) is there and 2 of my Dad's brothers. Before we moved away in 99 I tried to go and visit each gravesite, some I couldn't fine, my parents never took me, I didn't know where anyone was, a general idea. I made little arrangements, went back and left them, it was very, very emotional, but I am so glad I went, searched and visited their gravesites. I had not really known my grandparents nor my uncles, but it was a cleansing feeling to find their memorials and show my respects. I'm glad you visit your Dad's memorial, take it at your own pace doing the maintenance, decor, if I were in that situation I would be doing that more for my mother when she is taken to visit it, kwim? I just don't want you to feel guilt about it, I don't know how often your mom goes.

[KBecks]

It sounds like a wonderful plan for you to visit your mom's grave and leave some flowers there to remember her. It sounds like the family is not up to it, but you are, and this is important to you, so go for it! It's a caring thing to do and I hope it's a positive and meaningful experience. Hugs!

[dcmom2b3]

Everyone grieves and understands death differently.

With our minister's blessing I officiated at my father's graveside service 5 years ago. And I haven't been back more than a couple of times since, and then only to drive my mom, never my own idea.

For me, Daddy isn't there. But he's here. In me. In DD, too. He's in every perfect downshift that I've hit since then, in the peonies he helped me plant in my backyard; in DD's delight at visits to my childhood fishing hole; in every day that she puts on the little desert boots like the ones he bought me when I was her age. In every "heh, heh, heh" laugh that has ever burst from DD's lips.

He's the one over my shoulder telling me to be loving and patient but relentless with DD. To give her a puppy and a Hershey's kiss or two but ultimately to expect nothing but her best.

His memory gives me the courage to know that it's okay to be rough with people who don't deserve the gift of my gentleness, and that anybody's a$$ is subject to kicking if they even look at me, my mom, or DD crosswise.

For me, honoring him isn't about going to where he rests, but minding how I live.

[kellyd]

I'm very sorry you're hurt by the fact that no one has gone to your mothers grave. BUT, I will say that some people don't do cemetaries. My parents died almost 9 years ago and I will not step foot in that cemetary. I see my parents in things I do all the time and in my sons actions. I have no desire to visit that place. I hope that you will gain some measure of peace when you do make it there.

[SammyeGail]

I deeply appreciate everyone's reply, I know this is a sensitive post, I do thank each and every one of you for your time and apologize for any emotions it might have triggered for you. I just wanted to let that be known.

I do understand so much more now, I respect each and every ones point of view on this, again, thank you all so much for the help you've given me, this clarification.

I feel inside it has brought up some other things that are bothering me, so I am going to make a s/o post about that--the lack of contact I have with my siblings.

[lalasmama]

I just don't understand why no-one else has not gone by.....

I used to drive 90 minutes each way to the town where my mom is burried, every week. For 13 months, I drove by the cemetary. I only stopped every few months though. For me, it hurt too much to go.

Its been 3 years, 3 months, and 16 days since I lost my mom. This last Mother's Day was the first time I was ever able to go take flowers, sit down, and just "talk" with her. The last 2 MDs, I had quickly stopped, kissed the gravestone, said a little prayer, and left. A rambuncious child paired with a cranky-when-emotional me just didn't make a good situation. And, realistically, I just wasn't ready to face--really face--those letters. Knowing that the reason my mom's name is on that stone is because my worst nightmare really happened.

:hug: I could never figure out what was worse for me, emotionally--the thought that no one was going out to her grave, or that I couldn't do it myself.

[gatorsmom]

I haven't read the replies but wanted to send hugs. I've only been to my Mother's grave once since she died (the grave is nearly 3 hours away). I could make a special point to go see it, but the one time I went I started crying uncontrollably in front of my kids. That has never happened to me before and the kids were very upset about it.

Honestly, going there does not make me feel closer to my mom at all. I feel close to her in other ways and I honor her memory in other ways too. By talking about her to my kids, remembering funny stories about her with my dad and brother, and continuing her traditions, I feel that I"m honoring her in a way she would prefer. Knowing my mom, she would rather have me make her Christmas cookies than to spend my time and money on a plastic flower bouquet for her grave. She never liked plastic flowers anyway. :)

[SammyeGail]

I haven't read the replies but wanted to send hugs. I've only been to my Mother's grave once since she died (the grave is nearly 3 hours away). I could make a special point to go see it, but the one time I went I started crying uncontrollably in front of my kids. That has never happened to me before and the kids were very upset about it.

Honestly, going there does not make me feel closer to my mom at all. I feel close to her in other ways and I honor her memory in other ways too. By talking about her to my kids, remembering funny stories about her with my dad and brother, and continuing her traditions, I feel that I"m honoring her in a way she would prefer. Knowing my mom, she would rather have me make her Christmas cookies than to spend my time and money on a plastic flower bouquet for her grave. She never liked plastic flowers anyway. :)

I bought ones that were the most expensive (of course what I happen to pick out) at Hobby Lobby, they are very, very realistic looking. I think they will look Ok, I just hope I can make the arrangement look nice. You did help give me a smile at your comment, I completely know what you mean. I don't want anyone to feel guilty or defensive for not doing what I am attempting. This is for me personally. My Dad said he wanted to go with me, I had said sure. I now realize I need to first go alone, then we can all go back, maybe DH and take the boys for a little stroll and give my Dad some time.

Lisa, I am truly sorry it was so hard on you when you went and it upset your kids. I have broken down in front of Noah several times. (Jonas has mild autism, he doesn't even notice, lol) I tell him its because I miss my Mommy, I've tried to explain it to him on his level that she is in heaven, a beautiful wonderful place but I can't talk to her. He gives me lots of hugs and kisses, I give them back, I spend alot of time reassuring him that I am ok. I have pulled up pics on the internet that I thought were the best and shown him those pics of 'heaven'.

I don't have really any memories of my granny, she was sort of that ornery old lady type by the time I was born, my older siblings have great memories of her. I do have a vivid memory of sitting outside with my mother and she was sobbing. I asked her what was wrong, she said that her Mama had died. I was 4, I was upset my mother was crying so hard, I was confused. Looking back, its never been scarring to me, maybe special, a special moment shared, a good memory of my granny I do have, my mother really loved her. Later in my life my mother would tell wonderful stories of her father, but not of her mother. From what my mother had told me her mother did not show much love towards her, her brother was her favorite and her younger sister was 'delicate', 'precious', said to have a heart condition, which she never did. I guess my mom went thru life with alot of unresolved issues, but she was the one who took care of her mother until the end.

I guess I'm telling you that story because even if it upset your kids I am sure they will completely understand it when they are older. Lots of hugs to you :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Corie]

I never go and visit my mother's grave site. It's only a couple of towns over but to me, she's not there so I don't find anything that draws me to that particular place.

Going to her grave site would only make me remember how sad everyone was and how awful everyone felt and I have no desire to do that.

I keep her in my head and my heart and I would rather remember her as I want to remember her.


Debbie,
These are my exact thoughts as well. Now that we are living in Cincinnati, I could
go to my mom's grave site. But I still have not gone. Honestly, I have no desire
to ever go. I already have great conversations with her here at home.