I'm the world's most annoying mother

[SpaceGal]

I'm a SAHM with three kids two boys and a baby girl. DH works very hard...crazy schedule and isn't home a whole lot to help with stuff around the house and that's fine. I've come to be able to handle this just fine until recently...when my 5 yo has begun to voice his opinions about his horrible mother...which would be me.

So last week DS #1 tells DH that Mommy never plays with me. He also said that Mommy never gives me anything, cuz I really want a hamster house and she doesn't give me anything.

I was really annoyed with that, DH was like don't take it personally. Mind you DS #1 NEVER asks me to play with him, nor does he wait for me to do something (fun). He usually just plays by himself and waits to spend time with DH. It's always I'm waiting for Daddy to do this or that. You get the picture.

Then today he goes up to DH and says Daddy don't you get mad sometimes and DH asks him why and DS #1 says because Mommy always tells me what to do. Like seriously!!?!? DS #1 knows the routine for school days but he never does it...so of course I'm the broken record DS #1 eat your breakfast, change your clothes, brush your teeth, get your socks and put your shoes on. So I'm like what the heck am I supposed to do not say anything and let him never make the bus.

Then this afternoon, DH prints out a bunch of Toy Story activity pages from online, connect the dots, coloring, and some cut out stuff. He then gives them new scissors (very exciting for them, of course they have age appropriate scissors already and the new ones are pointed tips). So the boys are excited. So I told DS #1, he could do one page before taking his nap. So he did. He wakes up and works on the connect the dots and gets annoyed because he doesn't want to count the dots he wants me to do it. I told him he that it's good practice to count his numbers and do it himself. I start him off and let him do the rest, so eventually he stops working the activity pages.

In the meantime, I have to make dinner and DD's (whose 16 mo) is playing with my two boys so I don't really want them cutting because it could be potentially dangerous with her being curious and them with scissors. Plus DS #2 not good with scissors and will need a lot of help to use them. So of course this evening DS #1 tells DH, Mommy won't let me cut paper. Like serious!?!?!? WTF! I mean nothing I can do is right. I hate this. Like I'm totally the bad guy. I don't let them have fun, or do this or that and yada yada yada. I swear today is the first time I'm like ready to throw in the towel. Like seriously, I did think about having DS #1 give up his nap so we can have one on one time...but I need my break...my quiet time...not just for me but also to take care of day time tasks...calls or paper stuff and other household stuff that can't be done at night.

I'm just annoyed. Of course tomorrow, DH is out for three days to work meetings so I'm flying solo with the kids and seriously I don't want to do it. I feel really crappy and would like to just wallow in self pity and hate you know.

I could be the fun mom and just let the kids do whatever they asked to do with no regard to times or schedules and eating. I'm just really sick of the constant Mommy sucks! And to think he's only 5!!!!!! I'm sure I'm just counting the days till DS #2 and DD share his sentiment.

Like I wonder to myself maybe I should be like our cousin's wife and just be a helicopter parent and hover and indulge her only child's every desire. Unfortunately, I have three kids and have to divide my attention and I do have to feed and make sure they get their rest and what not.

Ugh I hate my life right now...not that I want to be loved but don't like being the villain all the time either. As we speak, DH is playing video games with them because he wanted to spend some time with them before he left tomorrow morning and I know I should throw a smile on and join them but I said screw it, I want to be sad and hide upstairs.

Oh well that's me and my vent...I'm alright...just another day right.

[ha98ed14]

:hug: FWIW, my DD loves DH WAY more than me. They have some sort of mutual admiration society going on. I am sure that if she could talk like a 5 y.o., she would have similar things to say about me. When I go to p/u from daycare, she often asks, "Where's Daddy? I want my Daddy."

Keep your chin up. There is no guarantee that DS2 or DD will feel the same way about you that DS1 does.

[maestramommy]

:hug5:

FWIW, I just finished reading "Your Five year old" and I'm pretty sure somewhere in there was a reference that at this age Mother suddenly stops being the center of their universe.

Like your Dh said. Don't take it personally. I know it sucks though, when you are doing your best, and they don't get it. Kids just don't get it, they don't care about your priorities, even when it's in their best interest.

[JustMe]

Don't feel bad. I will never forget this time last year when my then 6 yr old rolled her eyes, looked at me with a pitiful look and proclaimed "I have the worstest mom ever". All because I was sending her to daycamp. Of course, a few weeks later she loved it.

[Tondi G]

maybe your DH needs to step in and say to your son ... hey I know mommy has to say no to some things but why don't you tell me about the fun stuff that you did with mommy today and help him figure out something nice to say.

Hang in there... and yeah, try not to take it personally. I know it's hard when you are stuck being the bad guy day in and day out and your DH can just waltz in and be the hero and cool parent! HUGS

[lizzywednesday]

At that age, and this is now one of my mother's favorite stories to tell, I told my mother she could leave because I could take better care of the house, Daddy and baby Gerald than she could.

My mom laughs about it now, saying, "and, dopey me, I stayed" ... but I know it hurt her feelings on some level. Like me saying Dad was Buck Rogers & I was Tweakie ... but Mom was Dr. Yur. (Oh yes. Mom was not Wilma Dering.)

It happens.

You don't have control over what he says, but you do have control over how you react to it.

That said, I feel for you mama. Hang in there!!!

[sste]

Try the book Playful Parenting - - it offers some great ideas that could be applied to this situation.

We experienced this at a younger age with my DS going through some negative outbursts over being with daddy. My DH had GREAT success with making jokes, games, pretending to cry, sob, beg etc. when DS would tell him he didn't like him.

At your son's age it sounds like he is testing/chafing a bit against the rules but I still wonder if making it a game or drama or joke might defuse the situation a little and rob his words of their current power over the family . . .

[deborah_r]

:hug5:

FWIW, I just finished reading "Your Five year old" and I'm pretty sure somewhere in there was a reference that at this age Mother suddenly stops being the center of their universe.


Yeah, I'd say that's about when DS1 stopped asking why he wasn't going to be able to marry me! "But I want to marry YOU, Mommy!" I remember 5 being a pretty sulky age, FWIW. For mine and other kids I knew at that same time.

[Uno-Mom]

I'm kinda thinking DH could help out with this normal 5 year old stage by modeling a bit. Like, say that he won't listen to any more complaints about mommy, or, he'll listen only if DS also says something nice. Demonstrate parental solidarity. :) Yeah, it's normal, but also a teaching moment, perhaps.

Kids are smart experts at triangulating their conflicts/complaints between parents - I sure was!

Is it possible he's trying to show allegiance to daddy because he's insecure with how often DH is away?

[MamaMolly]

I dunno, I kind of feel like I'm doing something really *right* when DD hates me a little. Maybe I'm just twisted. I tell myself it is all good because I'm here to be her parent, not her friend. Sounds to me like you have been doing some good parenting, even if you don't win the 5 year old popularity contest. Hugs, Mama!!!!

[Indianamom2]

If it makes you feel any better, DD#1 (5.75 years going on 25) recently informed me that, "You are a mommy who doesn't deserve to have kids!" when I told her no to something she wanted.

Drama much?

And sort of like MamaMolly, I do sort of feel like I'm on the right track when she doesn't always like me because it means I'm being the parent...not just a friend.

The teen years should be fun, don't you think?:hysterical:

[ShanaMama]

I'm kinda thinking DH could help out with this normal 5 year old stage by modeling a bit. Like, say that he won't listen to any more complaints about mommy, or, he'll listen only if DS also says something nice. Demonstrate parental solidarity. :) Yeah, it's normal, but also a teaching moment, perhaps.

Kids are smart experts at triangulating their conflicts/complaints between parents - I sure was!

?

I agree that DH should get on your side, if he isn't already. Is DS just sharing his day or trying to wrangle permission/ priveledges from Daddy? Being the mom & primary parent kinda sets you up to be the bad guy. As a pp said DH can walz in for the fun times. So don't take take it personally.
I'm sure many will disagree but I'm pretty big on teaching kids to respect their parents. In our house it's not ok to talk to either parent incertan ways, but it happens more often to me. I don't make a huge issue over it, especially if the complaint is valid, but I do say gently that's not the way we talk to Mommy& I model the correct way. Then I address the concern. It's best if DH can do this, but he's not usually around.
My 5 yo is a real Mommy's girl but even she is starting to detach & develop her own preferences & opinions. It's hard for me but I try to emember that she is her own person & if she has a valid complaint I take it seriously and try to accomodate. Eating, brushing teeth, etc are not up for discussion but the way we do them is.
FWIW, I am in awe that your 5 yo naps!!!

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I dunno, I kind of feel like I'm doing something really *right* when DD hates me a little. Maybe I'm just twisted. I tell myself it is all good because I'm here to be her parent, not her friend. Sounds to me like you have been doing some good parenting, even if you don't win the 5 year old popularity contest. Hugs, Mama!!!!

:yeahthat:

reminds me of that Everybody loves Raymond episode where the daughter Ally gets mad at her dad (Raymond), i think for not buying her a $$ dress for a dance, and she stomps off screaming "I hate you!" And Debra smiles and says to Ray, "Congrats, you're a successful parent." :) has a ring of truth i think.

DS is still an infant and i get the strong feeling he will be "buddies" with DH and will generally prefer him to me. Maybe it's a gender thing, who knows.

[gatorsmom]

Try the book Playful Parenting - - it offers some great ideas that could be applied to this situation.



:yeahthat: I'm all lovey and and funny with the kids until they misbehave- then i get serious. They don't like that so they straighten up. I rarely have time to play with them during the day and I'm very strict with the rules (I would have taken away the pointy scissor before they laid their hands on them) but I kid and joke around with them all day long. Like today, I was trying to convince Cha cha (MY nearly 5yo) to wear a nice pair of shorts to music class instead of his favorite ratty ones. I kept pushing the nice shorts, "what about these, these are great, look at how nice they are!" and I put them on my head for emphasis. He was digging in his heels more and more until he saw them upsidedown on my head and started laughing. Situation diffused.

I agree when you are handling it all by yourself it gets tiresome and even the happiest moms get angry and annoyed. If i were you, I'd totally take the times when your DH IS home to have some time to yourself. That will help you relax and see things in a whole new light. Oh, and read that book. And tease and joke with your kids. They won't even notice that you aren't really playing with them. :hug:

[R2sweetboys]

I'm kinda thinking DH could help out with this normal 5 year old stage by modeling a bit. Like, say that he won't listen to any more complaints about mommy, or, he'll listen only if DS also says something nice. Demonstrate parental solidarity. :) Yeah, it's normal, but also a teaching moment, perhaps.

Kids are smart experts at triangulating their conflicts/complaints between parents - I sure was!

Is it possible he's trying to show allegiance to daddy because he's insecure with how often DH is away?
:yeahthat: Especially the bolded. How does your DH respond to your son when he says these things? He really does need to back you up so that your DS can see that Mommy and Daddy are a team and Daddy supports Mommy's decisions. Your DS sounds very bright and he is clearly trying his five year old best to manipulate both of you. :)

I would not intentionally drop his nap if it is still working for you. I remember how precious that time is! However, maybe you could schedule some one on one time with him every so often so that you can focus all of your attention on him. DH and I love it when we get the boys one on one-they are so different without the sibling dynamic! Hang in there Momma, your kids do love you dearly!

[SpaceGal]

I'm kinda thinking DH could help out with this normal 5 year old stage by modeling a bit. Like, say that he won't listen to any more complaints about mommy, or, he'll listen only if DS also says something nice. Demonstrate parental solidarity. :) Yeah, it's normal, but also a teaching moment, perhaps.

Kids are smart experts at triangulating their conflicts/complaints between parents - I sure was!

Is it possible he's trying to show allegiance to daddy because he's insecure with how often DH is away?

Wow, not that this never occurred to me but I finally witnessed this and was like WAIT A MINUTE!

DH came home from his business trip tonight and was super exhausted. I immediately noticed all the resistance that DS would throw at me. I was so annoyed but told myself to stay calm and not yell. Later on, after an hour of hinting and saying it's bath time we get the bath stuff done. I tell both boys it's bedtime and we have to get to bed. Oh man the attitude coming from my 5 yo was ridiculous. DH was so exhausted he was practically sleeping outside the bathroom watching me go rounds with DS. Everytime I say something DS would refute me and look at DH like see even dad thinks you're annoying (since DH remained silent). UGH!!

Anyways, I finally get the kids in bed and I tell DH he has to back me up more. Like fine I can be the bad guy, but don't make me look like the insane bad guy. I guess I have been more sensitive lately due to all this stuff that has happened recently...but man I'm soooo irritated that my DS is acting out this way.

Is it sad that I am hurt when I hear DS tell DH he loves him and doesn't say crap to me at all. Oh well...I know being strict nasty mommy doesn't win any contest of any sorts...so I'll have to tell myself that it's for their own good even though it feels crappy inside.

Thanks for all your advice and support, I just hope it subsides but I have a feeling it won't especially with DS entering Kindergarten soon. Life will truly suck.

[LadyPeter]

Thanks for all your advice and support, I just hope it subsides but I have a feeling it won't especially with DS entering Kindergarten soon. Life will truly suck.

Now this I doubt. When he enters kindergarten and someone else is telling him what to do all day, he may feel quite differently about Mommy. He may decide you weren't so bad after all! Kids are so volatile...one day you're going to be his favorite person again.

[Uno-Mom]

Wow, what a hard situation. Am I reading between the lines that DH is maybe a little reluctant to back you up?

I'm going back to out-of-home work FT next week and I'm thinking about what that must be like for the parent who has to be away so much. It must really stink and in that position, I admit I might fall into the trap of telling my child what they want to hear, even if it undermined my husband a little. KWIM? It would be out of insecurity on my part.

Maybe it would help your husband if you phrased it saying that you see how he's becoming central to his son's universe and because he's so powerful for DS right now ... he's in an even better position than you to influence his behavior for the better. Not exactly "buttering up" DH, but just talking up his role and reassuring him of his importance. If that makes sense?

Not that you feel like doing that at the moment. :) But it might be a way to help your husband be able to support you better.